Recap: I Love New York: O Tango, Tango! wherefore art thou Tango?

By Nite Writer P. Funk

The reality show vixen has taken reality to a whole new level in tonight’s episode, with what seems like the worst acting ever. Does acting in a reality show sound like an oxymoron?  How about this then- Miss New York and Tango, two of the trashiest characters on television, re-enact the classiest love scene from the greatest greek tragedy in history.  Sounds ironic, huh? Well add a little hilarity to that irony and you got yourself “I Love New York.”When tonight’s episode of “I Love New York” began, I went to change the channel because I thought I was actually watching Rocky. Between the theme song remix and the training montage, I was in disbelief that I was seeing the nerdy Boston go from average joe into a pro. With the help of 12 Pack (because 12 Pack is always around for ambiguously gay action), Mr. Boston reveals his inner hulk beneath the “Big Papi’s My Daddy” t-shirt. He is in the game and is serious about getting more smooches. It seems weird that 12 Pack is helping out someone he is competing against, but then again, it’s the same guy who bench presses and smokes cigarettes at the same time.  A class act, if you will.  

It was a good thing, and quite an ironic thing, that 12 Pack began training Boston on this very morning.  It just so happens to fall out on the same day as the Hoops Challenge.  And I don’t mean Hoopz, the original winner of Flavor of Love, whom I heard was doing porn (but don’t quote me on that).  This challenge is rather a competition in which all seven guys will play ball for a chance to win a date with New York.  I can’t wait to see Mr. Boston on the court.  Chance, on the other hand, prefers to not be on a team with Boston.  The beef between these two cats is all talk.  With only two episodes left, they better throw down. 

As always, there is a bit of twist to the challenge.  In this case, the boys will play one on one against WNBA’s Tamara Moore and try to show off their skills (emphasis on try). Chance is the first one out, as he tries to call a travel on her.  Yeah, I’m sure this WNBA all star is travelling while playing Chance.  12 Pack is the second out.  Real plays hard defense, but also goes down. Whiteboy is the next to go up against Tamara.  Ladies and gentlemen, Whiteboy proves that white boys can jump.  Move over Woody Harrelson.  Tango injures himself…again. Tamara belittles him by saying, “You got a cramp”? He proves his manliness by continuing to play, but all of that is quickly removed when he loses.  It looks as though white men really can jump when Rico is the second guy to score.  Boston had the best looking game, even though he lost. I guess his training session with 12 Pack payed off. How ironic? The final game between Rico and Whiteboy is a shut out, crowing Whiteboy the winner 3-0.  

Jealousy rears its ugly head back at the house when 12 Pack and Real make some sort of gay sounding plan for later. I’m telling you, it’s always ambiguously gay when 12 Pack is involved.  At first it sounded like the two of them were going to go on a date together.  I’m not so sure, but I do know that Tango is annoying as he is playing the sick card.  He tells New York that he is in so much pain that he has to go to the hospital. New York doesn’t really care so much, but makes it a point to tell the viewers how Tango cried.   

Date Night at Empress. The night proves to be as romantic as “The Notebook” when New York says, “You give me butterflies like the first day of school and shit like that.” If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.  She gives him a watch and, of course, I’m sure she really bought it. Don’t you love product placement! Whiteboy is extremely grateful for the watch. So grateful, in fact, that he gives her some sloppy kisses in return. New York is not down with his forte in bottom lip sucking.  Uh-oh. A kiss can tell a girl a lot, so what is it that Whiteboy is saying? The funniest part was when he continued to suck face, even after New York had pulled away.  And then to make matters worse for him, she wiped her face. 

We then see what Real and 12 Pack were planning before.  Real uses roses to present his love to New York, whereas 12 Pack looks to the crayon box to express his feelings. The dapper boys welcome New York, dressed in Tuxedos. Where do they get these tuxes from? And where did 12 Pack get his red bow tie from? Something tells me that these guys did not set all of this up because it’s not every day that reality show contestants have access to bunches of roses and even more candles.  New York gets a rub down that sets her off.  As mommy gets pleasured and basically blows a load, Tango returns with his arm in a sling. How much do we think he paid for that? 12 Pack also lets us in on his resume building skills and how winning this show will definitely be a highlight.   

Boston also strategizes with a midnight snack that includes the stereotypical fried chicken and mac ‘n cheese. One after the other, the guys try to outdo each other by bringing New York everything that could possibly satisfy her.  Rico comes up with a plate of oranges to satisfy her fruit side, whatever that may be. However, New York is unimpressed.  Something tells me that he will get eliminated.  

New York eventually comes down for Boston’s loving. She is really “feeling this nerd,” as well as some ranch dressing. When she describes it as a creamy, white substance, I believe she is talking about something else. Perhaps mayonnaise? We now interrupt this programming for some sort of bug killing game. I’m not exactly sure what went down, but New York has large, abnormal insects living in her palace. Ew! I wonder what else is living in that house.  

Lunch with Sister Patterson is interesting. New York’s mom forbids Boston to make any more midnight snacks because New York will get fat. New York shows off her mom by making sweet love to her spaghetti. Good for her, but please spare us from anymore food loving by New York. New York, Sister Patterson, and the seven guys aren’t the only ones at lunch, as there is also a bee that won’t leave Sister Patterson alone.  Things get heated at the table, so the bee decides to stop the drama.  Sister Patterson was trying to get one of them to fess up to falling in love with her daughter, when the bee or what New York refers to as “a yellow and black mother fucker” stings New York. Hilarious! They move inside the house and Tango requests some private time, but Whiteboy calls him out on it. In a rage, Tango throws off his shoulder brace and talks shit to Whiteboy. Sister Patterson threatens the boys that she would beat them all if they physically fought each other. I can definitely see her with a smoking shot gun  standing proudly above her prey.  

And now the most romantic scene ever in a VH1 reality show, starring Tango and New York in their debut of  Romeo and Juliet, with a trashy spin. With New York on the balcony and Tango below, he pours his heart out for her. The music adds that special ambience for them, but inside the boys compare Tango to a crazy Pootie.  I swear he was going to climb up the balcony, hurt arm and all. She tells him that she will see him at elimination round later. End scene. Bravo, bravo. 

At elimination Real gets the first chain, with Sister Patterson pulling for him..and his hair.  She loves that mane.  12 Pack is the second man chosen. It seems as though he is smitten with New York. With a nipple peeking out of New York’s turquoise satin dress that she got from the 1986 prom sale, she gives a chain to Whiteboy. Chance then gets picked because he has love for New York. Boston sweats it out at the end, doing his little upper lip curl and some nose picking, but comes out on top with the 5th chain.  New York does her best acting and pretends to cry, but thank god she’s only faking because who knows what that face would look like if that shit melted.  Tango gets the last chain.  Goodbye Rico. As far as Sister Patterson is concerned, their love is not enough for her daughter as she screams, “Show me what you got.”  

All in all the episode provided many laughs and lots of good times. From the court to the balcony, these guys have love for New York.  

My ranking has changed a bit, so here it goes. 

1. Real- He is definitely in the lead with Sister Patterson cheering him on. I just don’t understand how he is brothers with Chance, yet the two have not spoken once during this entire show. 

2. Whiteboy- He’s doing well, but his poor kissing skills may ruin his chances.  

3. Mr. Boston- I love him more and more each week. Is it me or does he really have a chance? Whether he wins or not, he will definitely be appearing on another VH1 show because he’s that good. And I will definitely be there to watch it. 

4. Chance- I just love it when he speaks.  

5. 12 Pack- I can’t decide if I want him to stay or go. It’s always a great scene when he is a prominent character, but he’s in it for his resume. I guess robot dancing isn’t enough in the special skills section. 

6. Tango- He needs to leave. He really sucks in a major way. I hope he gets injured again. (oops, did I say that out loud)