Note From the Editor: Due to some medical problems, Bailey Q had to sit out for the last couple of episodes of I Love New York. Taking her place is our lovely and talented ANTM recapper, Pachita! Thanks, Pach, and feel better Bailey! Enjoy!
Ho. Ly. Crap. Does that parrot look rabid to you?
This week on I Love New York 2: All the whipped cream in the world couldn’t save Punk, Buddha shows his true colors, and New York is delightfully stupid.
Sadly, the revered Bailey Quarters was unable to finish up the last two episodes so I stepped in. I wasn’t sure how this show would fare with me, because I’m kind of a picky bitch. But the opening credits pretty much laid it out for me. Any show that starts off with some crazy saying “New York is in the mother fucking house” is okay by me.
At the boys’ house, Tailor Made is putting a night mask on and tells us that it’s about time Entertainer is gone. Then he buffs his nails and tells us that he’s got this competition in the bag. It’s not until he starts coiffing his pubic hair that I wonder, why is this man spending more time primping than I do?
Y’alls is just jealous.
Punk comes in and tries not to act excited over Tailor Made being so fresh and so clean, and the two talk about being in the top 3. Tailor Made thinks that Buddha is only there for his own personal gain. Because, you know, once two celebrities get together they just catapult each others fame. Question 1: What ‘personal gain’ would Buddha even attain from this show? Question 2: Can New York really be considered a celebrity? Question 3: How would this show make Buddha a celebrity? Oops, there I go again, splitting hairs.
The boys finish packing up and New York meets them for the big trip to Miami. As they leave the airport Buddha takes the lead, dragging New York behind him by her hand as she smiles daftly. Tailor Made and Punk are behind them looking dejected. I’m not a body language expert, but I do read a lot of People and UsWeekly, and something tells me Buddha is a total wifebeater.
Find out just how hard our body language experts think he’s holding her on page 6!
Buddha tells us he’s got home court advantage because he’s from Miami. Considering the men don’t get to choose where they go or what they do, one can only assume he thinks home court advantage means the sex will be better. Although, I don’t know, Miami can get pretty humid…
At the hotel, New York is escorted to her room by the host, leaving the boys with a female hostess named Train. So many things come to mind, but I’ll just take the high road and say that I’m sure Buddha is immediately smitten. This is confirmed a second later when he licks his lips and says “What’s up Miss Vietnamese?” Way to get a girls attention! Tailor Made and Punk whisper to each other about OMG, Buddha’s like, so totally flirting with the hostess and I wonder if they do anything but scheme in the background.
When they get into their suite there are touristy gifts waiting for each of the boys, complete with a brightly colored tee-shirts that say South Beach across the chest. You know the kind, the ones wallpapering the windows of dollar stores that no one living
within a 100 mile radius of the shirted city would be caught dead in. How glam!
That night the boys join New York for dinner. As they are seated they all charge the table and fight over who’s going to sit next to New York, practically knocking her over in the process. New York gets to pull out all the ‘things a girl should do when boys are fighting over her’ stops and squeals with delight as they vie for a seat next to her. Man, I wish I was New York. Only if I were, my top three would be straight, non-abusive men. And attractive.
So, listen, I know we’re supposed to love New York and all but… do you want to maybe go somewhere and talk?
The waitress comes over to pop their cork and something else pops for Buddha. “Damn girl, you got a hell of a tan” he tells her, and Punk berates him for liking Asian women so much. Umm, racist! I kid, but he does let it slip to New York that Buddha’s been mackin’ on other girls all day long. Our gal is appalled that Buddha would disrespect her like that. Oh New York, you silly crazy lady, get used to it.
Buddha tells us that whenever New York is yelling and bitching at him, he doesn’t just duck and cover, he fights back. Such a gentleman, that Buddha is. He begins to ‘fight back’ by play-biting New York and climbing on top of her while the other two continue their clever tactic of sitting back and doing nothing. No, really, they totally meant for dinner to go down like this.
When they are finished, New York asks Buddha to escort her back to her room. Punk thinks it should have been him, because he was honest with her. Plus, he was really looking forward to them braiding each others hair and telling secrets all night. Oh Punk, don’t you know anything? Honest boys are SO boring. I like my men dishonest and abusive.
The wallflowers are still lamenting the fact that Buddha got to escort New York home when they get a note from her saying that she didn’t want them to spend the night alone and brought them some company. Cue the dramatic music and feast your eyes on: Sister Patterson! She sits down with the boys and they give her a rundown of the night’s events. She is really upset that Buddha is still in the running and tells them she wants him taken care of. Now. Wait, is Sister Patterson a man? And did (s)he just green light a hit on Buddha?
My money’s on Yeti.
In the limo on their way back to the hotel, New York smokes and ignores Buddha while he tries to make out with her. He tells us he’s trying to have a physical night with New York and she’s being a bitch. Umm, how about I’m trying to have a romantic night with New York and she’s upset with me so it’s not really working out the way I planned? It sounds a little less I’m-gonna-beat-you-bloody-when-those-cameras-go-off to me.
When they get back to the hotel room, New York tells Buddha she was so sure about the two of them. They fight back and forth, he goes to leave, she asks him to stay. They continue to fight, she tells him to show himself out, then stands on the stairs and whispers she doesn’t mean it. He tells us that New York loves drama and he doesn’t really care when she yells at him. She gets off on drama, and at least this way one of them is getting off tonight. Oh the game, it never gets old. Unfortunately for New York, Buddha practically invented this game. Don’t worry though; our gal wears enough makeup to cover black eyes normally, so she won’t have to spend that much extra time getting ready in the morning.
Worse than going head-to-head with Cujo
The back and forth quickly takes a turn for the hilarious when NY tells him “you think you can lie to me just because you’ve got brown eyes and great skin and a good facial structure?” You tell him! She’s looking for love this time, padre, not just a hot body and fear.
Buddha keeps her in check and tells her he’s already got height and fame, he doesn’t need to be using her for it. I’m not sure what fame he’s talking about, considering IMDB informs me he’s been in a resounding one show on Comedy Central entitled Comedy Central Thanksgiving Wiikend. Well, New York brought her A-game tonight and tells him “you know what? I hope I Love New York 2 looks real good on your resume for you.” OH SNAP!
Oh, yes, I’m sure I do look familiar. You may recognize me from such hits as I Love New York 2. That’s right, bask in the glory…
They (finally) call it a night and Buddha heads back to the guys’ room. He decides to torture the others a little bit by letting their imaginations run wild. He pulls off his shirt, strolls in topless, and tells Tailor Made and Punk that tonight, he and New York got physical. He doesn’t ask aloud, but I’m pretty sure Punk was just itching to know what it was like to be with a girl. Tailor Made just puts his head into his pillow and screams anytime Buddha tells them anything. I know TM, its pretty icky, but that’s what you have to look forward to if you win!
The next morning the boys get ready and head down to the lobby, where they meet with New York. Buddha goes right up to her and puts his hands around her neck (no, seriously, he does) and tells her he wants to get her scent back on his hands. How is this man still in the running?!
So, the trip the producers have set up for them is a day at Jungle Island. As soon as they get there New York is nervous because jungles have parrots in them, she knows because she saw Jungle Book, and she’s scared of parrots. Why is she scared of parrots, you ask? Because they don’t speak English diction, of course! I shared a good hearty laugh with my spiked coffee at this one. Even the dogs cocked their heads (oh, and just for the record, they don’t speak English diction either, but we’ve manage to get by).
Don’t look at me… bitch is crazy.
New York tells us that she decided today the boys would get some solo-time so she could get to know them better. Tailor Made is up first and they head over to a quiet spot to chat. They are getting nowhere fast when a Jungle Islander comes in and tells them they are bringing an animal in but they have to sit very still when they do. New York is all kinds of freaked out and it doesn’t help that the employee tells her they are going to walk a 6’5″ bird through the room that is a direct descendant of the velociraptor. OOH!
New York, in her second fantastic quote of the evening, tells us that she didn’t know they made birds that size. Who’s “they”, sweetie? Who are the evil people churning out big, scary birds that don’t speak English diction? I’m sure Buddha will take care of them for you.
So they bring this bird in, and New York starts cursing under her breath at the employee who is sitting with them. He tells her not to move and she says “I’m not moving you bastard.” It’s hilarious. This just in; I love New York.
Anyway, the walk the bird through, and just when you though Tailor Made’s solo time wasn’t going so well, it urinates on the floor in front of them. It’s really, horribly, unsexifying. It isn’t even a steady stream, it’s a gushing.
After that lovely display, Punk is up for solo time with New York. They hit up another exhibit where the Jungle Islanders bring in another animal for New York to flip out over. This time, it’s a Burmese Python. Those things are huge! We used to have a ball python named Butters, but she was a total C-U-Next-Tuesday. New York is scared and Punk tells us this is his time to show New York that he can protect her. Good thinking! New York doesn’t like this at all and gives us a little anatomy lesson; “It had a head, a tail, and it was plus sized.” Thanks, NY! That was more informative than my entire pre-med degree. Now, does that come with an accompanying diagram?
Okay, so I can see the head, now where is this ‘tail’ you speak of?
The one thing both men managed to accomplish while on their solo dates with New York was planting in her head the fact that Buddha is not good for her. So when they all get back together, Buddha is walking in front solo and New York is between Tailor Made and Punk, linking arms with both. “I’m glad I only have 2 arms,” she says. This woman is CHOCK FULL of hilarious wisdom!
And that puts an end to Jungle Island. It’s too bad, I was really looking forward to enhancing my knowledge of the animal kingdom through New York’s eyes.
When the gang gets back to the hotel, New York asks Punk to join her for lunch and Tailor Made to join her for dinner. Buddha is assed out, not that he cares, he’ll probably use the alone time to learn about Miss Vietnamese’s culture.
Punk gets ready and meets New York in a cabana of sorts. They have a nice time, and New York tells us that Punk has no problems, but there isn’t any passion or lust. No passion, eh? Well just watch what punk can do with whipped cream! When the waiter brings dessert Punk asks if he can keep the bottle and proceeds to lay a cherry on his shoulder and cover it with whipped cream, telling New York she has to find it. I can’t imagine it will be hard for her. I mean, after observing her use of English diction, its obvious the girls got a big mouth. She goes to town on one of the less erogenous zones of the body (seriously, why not the stomach? Or smack on a man-boob?) and they both giggle like school girls. When they’re done, Punk heads home, sure that they made a real connection and that she’s unaware of his true sexual orientation.
Tailor Made gets all done up for his dinner with New York and even brings her a gift. New York is flattered because she can be bought and tells us that there’s something special about Tailor Made. He tells her he’s been thinking about their life together and they start making out because he really doesn’t have anything to follow up with and doesn’t want New York to notice that he’s sweating profusely.
I told you guys it was humid down there!
The make-out party looks awfully forced and results in him picking New York up and bringing her inside before throwing her on the bed. There is something really unnatural about these two getting it on and LUCKILY they are interrupted by a hostess who tells New York her mother is downstairs waiting for her. New York tells us she’s really disappointed because Sister Patterson ruined her sex. Tailor Made was really disappointed, too. So disappointed, in fact, that he went and vomited a few times before burning his clothes and crying in fetal position under a scalding hot shower. Oh well, ’til next time Tailor Made.
New York and Tailor Made get downstairs to find Sister Patterson sitting with Punk and Buddha. The boys are fighting over who has a worse career or something equally lame and Sister Patterson is suprised to hear that Buddha is an actor. New York recalls Buddha telling her he was a life-coach in the beginning. Ladies, acting is synonymous with lying, didn’t you know? Kind of like you and your “mother”.
Sister Patterson announces her departure and tells New York she knows who has to leave. Then she tells us, “Buddha, believe this, you will never be my son-in-law. Because New York is not really my daughter. In fact, I don’t even have a daughter, because I’m actually a drag-queen…” or something to that effect.
When New York is left alone with the guys she links arms with Punk and Tailor and thanks them for being honest with her and showing her how much they care. She talks to them about Buddha, with him sitting right there, and it is hilarious. Buddha is pissed because if he gets kicked off he won’t have an angle to pitch his new sitcom “Buddha Beats Bitches”. He tells us if she’s made her choice, fine, he doesn’t need this, and walks out. Dun dun DUNNNNNN!
She starts whining about how no one disrespects her like that and Punk and Tailor Made tell her to relax and stay where she is because Buddha wants her to follow him, he’s doing it on purpose. That may be the only truthful thing you’ve said this episode, boys, congrats!
Back at the house, New York and Sister Patterson are sitting on a couch gazing at two chains. Its coming down to the line, and this is going to be a really tough decision. Even tougher than getting into some of those shirts, I’m sure.
Time to find out who goes home! The boys are standing in a line, anxiously awaiting New York’s decision. She comes strutting out in one of her typically fantastic outfits and WOAH, can we talk about what’s happening under Punk’s shirt?
Give that boy some Benadryl or something because that can NOT be right.
New York starts off by telling the boys this is one of her most difficult decisions yet. Its hard for her because her heart is pulling her one way, and her mind is pulling her another way. No, no honey, that’s not your heart pulling you, its Buddha. Literally. She tells us the first chain is for someone she’s been down with since day one. For this man, her heart is in agreementh (that’s right, agreementh, looks like someone else needs to work on her English diction) with her mind. Tailor Made, do you love New York? He’s psyched (or is he?) and tells us in his monotone voice that he is so in love with New York. You know, I just don’t believe it.
The second chain is not as easy and she tells Punk and Buddha that she wrote out a list of everything she thought about them. I’m so sure this “list” actually has letters formed properly and coherent thoughts written. She looks at it and, upon realizing its actually illegible, tells them she didn’t pay any attention to the lists, because she needs to follow her heart. Punk, you’re going home, she’s just not that into you pal.
Punk tries to talk New York into sending Buddha home, but begging is not the best way to win a womans heart. Sister Patterson looks like she may need to change her depends and tells Tailor Made from her chair that he needs to take care of this. He promises he will and I laugh at how little damage he could inflict against Buddha. After Punk leaves, New York toasts the final two and tells them to pack their bags because they’re going to Jamaica!
And that’s the game, gang! What did you all think? Will Tailor Made deliver and get rid of Buddha? Does Buddha’s show have any chance at being picked up for a full season? And most importantly, will New York find “love”?
Til’ next time Gasmii, watch out for parrots.