What’s a good soap opera without lots of skin, badly choreographed fight scenes and a beloved cast member being killed off? The producers of I Wanna Be A Soap Star know that sex and violence sell, so this week we’re treated to a heaping helping of both. The contestants are once again paired off to perform scenes, and this week one of them won’t make it out alive. Find out who gets the boot after the jump.
“Ask me for a happy ending and I’ll claw your f#%*ing eyes out!”
Last week saw the brutal demise of our beloved, closeted Corey and cat-eyed temptress Patricia, after the two were paired up as scene partners to play siblings who pretend to be Russian spies. Patricia faltered with the accent and Corey couldn’t pull off straight. Also Corey’s choice in wardrobe distracted and confused the judges.
“Justin Timberlake eat my hard on. I mean I heart getting eaten out. I mean….DAMNIT! What’s wrong with me?!”
If it were possible, at this point I would play a montage showing highlights of Corey and Patricia’s run on the show while I play “Time of Your Life,” but since that’s not possible, let’s just accept that they’re dead and move on. The total number of remaining contestants is now down to 8 and this week everyone is sent to Hollywood Tan to get their tan on, with a spray gun. That evening Bo makes the mistake of going to bed without his shirt on and wakes up with his sheets stained brown and streaked with body makeup. Jimena tells him that he’ll get used to it since her sheets look that way every morning.
As usual, the intern comes in to wake up all of the potentials at the crack of 6 AM informing them they are due on set in 90 minutes. It amazes me when I see actors having to really wake up and work since I always picture actors being pampered and only doing things on their time. Every time I see that Crest commercial where Brooke Shields says her day begins at the crack of dawn and ends at the crack of dawn the next day, I think to myself, “What can she possibly be doing? Yea, it must be really hard recording Suddenly Susan nine years ago.” Regardless, the cast quickly gets ready and lines up on set to receive their instruction. Host Cameron Matheson gives them the details on their latest script, wherein two friends vie for the affection of the same lifeguard at the beach and ultimately come to blows, while wearing revealing swimwear. Oo la la.
Before rehearsals season two winner Alec Musser comes on to give the actors advice and words of wisdom. This brilliance comes down to Musser informing everyone that winning feels good, so do that. Genius, Alec! I see you won on not only your good looks, but your wit as well. Rehearsals begin and everyone is visibly shaken by the idea of performing in a bathing suit, except Yves who could wear Swiss cheese and cat littler and still look stunningly perfect. Jimena and Joyce are the most awkward, but Joyce brings her secret weapon: a long, flowing wig so that she can play the sexpot that’s required. Jimena chooses to rely solely on her acting ability and one of her many faces.
Uh, yea. It’s pretty. Gulp
First up are Bo and Travis, and I gotta say I sense a burgeoning bromance between these two. The female scene partner is pixie-soap-darling Rachel Melvin from Days of Our Lives, and neither of the guys seems to notice her. When the scene begins Bo pulls a Corey and drops a line, then just flounders and stares at Rachel’s character like a deer in her pointy headlights. Travis waits patiently for Bo to pick up his line and gives him a “dude, what the hell?” look. The two finally get back on track and complete the scene with a homoerotic beach wrestle that is now my wallpaper. Mary Beth Evans critiques the two, giving mad props to Bo for his flirty, goofy charm that ironically everyone hated the first week. Michael Bruno tells Bo that he brought cab fair for him this week; no doubt just enough to get Bo back to Bruno’s bungalow del amore, but based on his performance this week Bruno would be able to keep his money. Hogan Sheffer, AKA the Swedish Shef, says that this was Travis’s weakest performance so far, possibly because he got too caught up in the fight scene choreography instead of the acting. Shef tells Corey that he needs to focus on his flurdy and not worry so much about the bork.
Jimena and Ashlee are up next with fellow pixie-soap-darling Blake Barren, also from Days of Our Lives, playing the male object of their affection. Now I’m not suggesting anything, but I have to say it’s a crying shame that Corey and Blake didn’t get a chance to meet. I’m sure these two would have had a lot to talk about. Ashlee plays her part as a tough girl from the street, whereas Jimena plays the part as a crack addict that shows up after years to get back the baby she gave up for adoption vowing that she finally got clean. Of course I’m inferring her choice based on aesthetics only. After the scenes Mary tells Ashlee that she liked her choices, but found Jimena bland and boring. Michael disagrees saying that he saw a lot of layers in Jimena’s character, but he may have been distracted by her balls hanging out of her bikini. The Swedish Shef says it was fun to see his friend Blake Barren torn between two she-devils which is a lot like his real life. I can only assume Shef is referring to Blake’s mother and chubby hag fighting over who gets to take him to the flea market.
It’s all about lighting with this chick.
Joyce and Monica perform next. In the climactic fight scene Monica whips off Joyce’s wig, just like in that episode of The Surreal Life I wish existed. The judges all loved Joyce’s choice to wear the wig saying it made her look much softer and classically beautiful, and less dykey. Shef says he still feels a lot of reservation in Joyce when it comes to being flirtatious or sexy, but the rest of the acting was great. Mary says that Monica was adorable and playful in the scene but didn’t have any layers beyond her eyeliner.
Lastly, Yves and Justin perform. Yves looked gorgeous in his bathing suit and Justin is definitely growing on me. These two receive the greatest praise from the judges, especially Yves who had the less thankful role in the scene but made great choices and was really in the moment. Bruno tells Justin that he reminds him of Alex Musser from season two. He’s either telling Justin that he could potentially win or that he’s mentally impaired.
When Yves and Justin retire to the bedroom as the judges deliberate, they tell everyone that they received thumbs up across the board. Jimena could say the same thing, since she’s lying in a fetal position in her bunk bed and sucking her thumb. She’s hurt that they called her boring. Buck up Jimena. They could have called you a two face, or a crack whore, or made bitchy comments about the tons of make-up you wear, but only an insecure jack-ass would say those things.
The judges pour over photos during deliberation and deconstruct every contestant. They’re all torn at this point since everyone was really good in their scenes and now they have to nitpick little things to make their decision. How about the fact that Jimena looks like Golem from Lord of the Rings? The Swedish Shef says that Monica has a look that you just want to gobble up, but from the looks of the guy there’s not much that he wouldn’t gobble up, however there are more talented actors in the group. Joyce is a good actress but has trouble maintaining the great moments that she achieves. Justin has been strong up to this point, but was really weak in his scene and Jimena isn’t responding enough to her fellow actors.
As opposed to the first week where no one was called to the front of the line, this week the bottom 4 are all called up. Justin, Joyce, Monica and Jimena all quake and swallow nervously while they await their fate. I’m fairy certain and hopeful that Jimena is going to be killed off, but then a shocker comes out of left field when Cameron Matheson tells Joyce that she needs to pack her wig and say goodbye. Hugs all around as they wish Joyce luck and send her on her way. Joyce says in her final interview that when you don’t win you always learn something, so this isn’t failure. “Although this feels a hell of a lot like it.” Luckily Joyce is a professional and takes the rejection very well.
“Everyone gets a happy ending but me.”
Will Bo and Travis give in to their latent urges? Why did Michael Bruno call Bo a whore in next week’s previews? Will Jimena find a foundation that’s closer to her natural skin tone? Did Yves get my letter and boudoir photo in the mail? For the answer to these questions and many more, tune in next week. To pass the time until then, tell me what you thought.