I Wanna Be A Soapstar: Drive Me to Drink

Remember coming home drunk only to find your parents both awake and watching Charlie Rose? That long, awkward, bee-line walk to the bedroom praying that your parents won’t stop you to ask how the party was. Inevitably they would and you would have to keep your eyes from swimming, while simultaneously holding back the vomit, willing your body not to sweat, and standing perfectly still while you rambled on about the wholesome fun you had. If you think that’s hard, try doing the exact opposite: be perfectly sober and attempt to believably act drunk as a skunk. That’s what our performers have to do this week, which is arguably the greatest challenge of any actor. (that and kissing Jodie Foster). Who channeled their inner skunk, and who just stunk? Find out, after the jump.

If Yves is killed off I will F&^%ing kill myself.

Contrary to previous shows, the actors find their sides upon returning from a hard work out at the gym, instead of first thing in the morning. Confusion ensues as everyone tries to determine if they are supposed to perform the scene tonight, or tomorrow. Ashlee is sure that there is no way they are supposed to perform today, but to play it safe, they all pull trusty highlighters from their scabbards and get to studying. It’s sheer madness as everyone is told to go on stage, only to be informed that they don’t have to perform until the following day. A wise robot once said, “expect the unexpected” and these actors just got their first taste.

We see our brave band of thespians studying their scene the next day and dissecting the character like Dr Giggles with a bone saw. Each reads more into the scene entitled “Drunk As a Skunk.” Quick sidenote: I always wondered where that phrase came from. Is it just because is rhymes? I’ve never actually seen a drunk skunk, all hunched over a bar, drinking a Bloody Mary. Nor have I seen a drunk skunk calling ex-girlfriends. “Hello mon petite cherie. I meeeeess you. I know you’re just a cat that crawled under a fence, but I steel think we can make it work, my pet.”

“You think you’re better than me, mon cherie?”

Anyway, each actor determines that the character, ambiguously named Taylor, is drinking to numb the pain from a recent break-up, but I question their detective skills as that is written into the script. Justin digs a little deeper and infers that Taylor normally doesn’t drink and is trying to prove that Taylor is fun. Taylor’s a wild-man/woman. Taylor’s a party boy/girl. Taylor will get wasted and hook up the football/cheerleading team/squad. That’s how Taylor rolls. Jimena is scared since she had nightmares all night about being killed off the show, plus it doesn’t help that she admits she doesn’t know what the word “skunk” means.

The guest acting coach this episode is none other than that daytime-staple, soap-hopping, feather-boa-loving, once-upon-a-Lifetime-talk-show-hostess, supreme queen of sudsy guilty television, Linda Dano. Dano has won an Emmy (whatever, it’s a daytime Emmy) for playing an alcoholic so she is there to lend them some valuable insight on portraying inebriated without making it cartoonish. While she’s there, she should go ahead and give them the number of her plastic surgeon to prevent them from someday looking Janet Jackson cartoonish, because Dano looks flawless! She was no spring chicken when I used to watch her on Another World (don’t judge me!) more than 20 years ago, and the woman actually looks younger than she did then. She’s either maintaining her youth thanks to the best plastic surgeon in Hollywood, or she’s bathing in the blood of the new ingénues on her show. Whatever it is, keep doing it, Linda. You work girl!

Too much plastic surgery makes you look constantly surprised. “Today’s Thursday? Yesterday was just Wednesday! Amazing!”

Linda calls the actors on the fact that they obviously think this is a good scene, but they all hate it. There are so many layers to the scene, the emotion of a breakup and feeling of abandonment, coupled with the fact that they have to portray this while acting drunk. Linda gives the best advice of any of the coaches this season by telling them that when a person is really drunk, they aren’t necessarily stumbling and falling down, but they are working hard to prove that they are not drunk, especially when they have a bus load of kids to drive in less than 2 hours. Not only is Dano a great acting coach and looks amazing, but she also has that “pointing with her glasses in her hand” thing that real teachers are so good at. She also tells the actors not to make rules for themselves and to infer the separate lines as funny or incredibly sad, when it may not be written that way. She leaves everyone with these words of wisdom: “Have a good time. It’s only acting.” I heart you, Linda Dano. I Heart you for the soap star you are and for the bitter old crone you will someday become. I may just be you for Halloween.

During rehearsals the most intriguing choice comes from Bo. He confides in acting coach Eric M. Stuart that he knows that he has to do something to stand out from the rest of the guys, since he isn’t as attractive as them. Due to his hump back and baby’s thumb growing from his forehead, Bo makes the choice to play his character as if he is sexually attracted to the bartender. The dude bartender. Um, yea! That’s how you get free drinks, Captain Fugly. Der!

“I do want a fifth martini but you’ve already given me lockjaw.”

After rehearsals we are treated to some pro-makeup tips by Chuck Hezekiah, a Maybeline New York make-up artist. He gives the actors tips on how to use fine Maybeline products to get their face camera ready and how to use Maybeline make-up to accentuate their character. He uses Maybeline Super Stay Silky, which is amazingly a, get this, foundation and primer in one! Next he uses a great new mascara called Define-A-Lash on Jimena. Ashlee is amazed at how full and lush Jimena’s eyes look after a quick application with the easy to use flexible brush, and can’t believe the affordable price for such an astounding product, available wherever fine cosmetics are sold. Yves………wait a minute! This is nothing but a commercial masquerading as acting tips!

You’ve bested me this time, Chuck Hezekiah. Enjoy your victory, for it shant happen again.

Jimena’s daily makeup routine

It’s finally time for the part we all tune in to see. Yves shirtless. However, not only did the producers screw me by slipping in a seven minute commercial for fine Maybeline products available at your local Rite-A….damnit!, But Yves was fully clothed this entire episode! I am this close to going back to just watching porn, Soapnet, I’m not even kidding this time.

Before the scenes Ashlee, in full on Ashlee mom mode, leads the group in a circle prayer, asking God to watch over them during their scenes and lead them to fame and fortune. I’ve always liked Ashlee as a person, while finding her acting sub-par, but I take umbrage with the person on any reality show that preys to God to help them win. Yea, I’m talking to you Amber from Big Brother!



After the group all get the Kumbay ya yas out, it’s finally time to perform and Ashlee is up first. This week, I personally liked her performance the least as she chose to slur, stumble and wear her hair straight. Bad acting I can live with but bad hair choices are death to me. I’m not sure if her hair is natural or extensions, but I prey to God that it’s natural. And yes, preying to God for hair is acceptable, incase you’re wondering. I do it everyday when I see my hair in the shower drain and exclaim to the heavens, “Why, God? Why?” Anyway, the judges see things differently than I as they rave about Ashlee’s performance. Hogan Sheffield tells her that she went big and courageous and did splendidly, yet is still slightly holding back. He says she needs to let it all out. The same advice was once given to a contestant on Flavor of Love and she took it the wrong way, so watch your verbiage, Shef. Mary Beth Evans gives one minor note, but overall says it was great and Michael Bruno tells Ashlee to keep it up. By that I can only assume he means the volume of her hair because you had those curls rockin’ last week, girl!

Beautiful ladies are waiting to talk to you. Call 1-900-Soap-Net

Bo goes for sexually confused quiet desperation as he hits upon the bartender played by the affable, if slightly speech impaired Josh Taylor from Days of Our Lives. Bo lurches around the stage with his sores oozing pus, wearing his tattered rags as the street children shriek in horror at sight of the monstrosity. Bruno tells Bo that despite his hideous visage, tonight was the best scene he had done so far choosing to opt for subtlety. The judges didn’t pick up on Bo’s choice to make his character sexually confused with a propensity for soft pallets, but Bruno still says that he is going to fight for Bo to stay another week since Mary is vomiting into buckets after looking at him. Poor Swedish Shef simply turned to stone. O Bo, you mutant.

Jimena, yet again, is the most talented in the scene this week, truly taking Linda Dano’s notes and playing the scene as if she is trying to act like she isn’t drunk. Not only did Jimena prove her mettle in the scene, but this is the first week she was able to keep that scary second face out of sight the entire episode. Thanks in no small part to the fine products from our friends at Maybel……stop it! Mary was captivated by Jimena’s performance and says that Jimena is the only one who was able to make the scene sexy. I don’t know if drunk girls are ever really sexy with the vomiting, crying and all the work you have to do holding their hair back, but whatever Mary. Mary also gives Jimena advice that she has done very well but she shouldn’t get cocky. Shef saw Jimena’s sense of humor for the first time in this scene, which he truly loved. At that point you can see the wheels turning in Jimena’s head as she wonders, “eh, what means ‘jumer?’” Backstage Jimena tells the others how she dealt with her nerves by digging her hands into her pockets and grabbing really hard. Didn’t Mary JUST tell you to not get cocky?

Justin also receives great notes from Shef and Mary for his touch of sadness and vulnerability. Bruno thought that Justin would do great on Days of Our Lives and he did great in the scene tonight. Bruno tells Justin that he is a good guy, but not boring. He is the kind of guy who is complicated but still does the right thing. You certainly have your finger on the pulse of Jersey, Bruno. Shef tells Justin that he has grown to like him, to really like the things he does. The way he wears his hat, the way he sips his tea, etcetera, etcetera. Shef gives the bad news that Justin wasn’t the best and certainly played it safe.

15 years later, and she’s still hawking the fact that Juicy Juice is still 100% pure fruit juice. Yet much surlier.

Yves wore a basic black sweater layered over a plain white collared button up. His hair had just the right amount of product so it looked like there was no product at all. His jeans were perfectly aged and he filled them out strumtrulescently. There was a scene of some kind too, but I choose to focus on the important things. General hotness and fashion sense.

“Why is ‘move in for the kiss’ written in crayon? And who the hell is Fozziebare?”

In my opinion the judges were way too easy on everyone this week as I found the majority of the scenes very sub par, with Jimena being the only standout. Since everyone somehow received rave reviews, it’s a toss up as to who will be going home this week. Yves mentions backstage that he knew he had to bring it this week, or he would be going home. Justin says that he still may go home, because no one’s safe. You shut your dirty, Jersey mouth, Justin!

At the final lineup, everyone is asked to take a step forward, before host Cameron Matheson tells Yves, Justin and Jimena to take a step back, leaving Ashlee and Bo on the firing line. It’s a dramatic showdown between fugs and extensions, until Cameron asks Bo to pack his singing stone gargoyles and leave the studio. Obviously Bruno fought for Bo until he chipped a nail.

In Bo’s exit interview, he is the most likable contestant to leave so far by completely putting the blame on his performance. He says that he learned more during his time on the show than in all his years of acting and wants to take that training forward into his career. As Bo walks out the door we are told that he was Matt Damon’s stand-in for the Bourne Ultimatum, where he undoubtedly used his extensive standing training from Soap Star.

Bo has a new job as a stunt double for Ellen Degeneres.

Unlike previous weeks, the show returns from commercial to show the remaining actors having cocktails on the fake bar set. The producers bring in a professional bartender and spoon player to liquor the group up in hopes of having people either fight, throw up or hook up, or all of the above. Unfortunately none of this happens, but they do take turns pretending to be each of the judges and critique each other. Their impersonations are spot on, if not dangerously critical, and it’s fun to watch. Everyone has a great time ripping on Jimena for her hoochy coochy accent and constant desire for a cigarette. Word to the wise boys and girls, this is what smoking can do to you.

When you smoke, you’re not only killing yourself, you’re killing your make-up artist too.

What did you think? Is Jimena going to cause the Days of Our Lives budget to take a hit by hiring an additional makeup and lighting crew? Will Yves shirt come off next week? Is Maybeline Super Stay Silky the greatest foundation at the best price in…..damnit! Find out the answer to these and many more questions on the next episode. Until then, tell me what you thought.