If this is being a Hilton, I want to be a Motel 6

I feel a bit weird writing this recap knowing that 99% of TVgasm’s readers spent their Tuesday night watching one of the best Big Brother episodes ever. And that remaining 1%? If you were watching the Hilton show you scare me, quite frankly, because I’m not sure that you are mentally stable. At least I, as the resident rookie writer ’round these parts, have an excuse. Alas, while B-Side gets to describe the wondrous meltdowns of Eric, Maggie, and Ivette, I must report upon the ho-hum return of a completely forgettable cast of eliminated Hiltonites. Imagine the emotional rollercoaster of my Tuesday night – going from Big Brother to “I Want to be a Hilton.” But I’m a pro and I endured…for YOU, dear readers.

Enough of my whining. This week’s show simply had to be better than last week’s debacle. Right? Right??!!One little ongoing drama I missed last week due to the presidential preemption was the budding romance between JW and Jules. Yup, the Mississippi farmboy and the Long Island yenta have fallen for each other’s reality-whoring ways – gee, sounds like a Hallmark Channel made-for-TV movie, doesn’t it? Except for the fact that JW doesn’t really seem to give a crap about Jules. At breakfast, the remaining 7 (Jules, JW, Jackaay, Niki, Brenden, Jaret, and Vanessa) learned that they would be having lunch at New York’s famous Palm Restaurant. Upon leaving their hotel suite, they were accosted by starving New York actors with flashbulbs. Actually, they were supposed to be paparazzi and they were supposed to really freak out the Hiltonites. However, it looked like a “Saved by the Bell” soft-focus sequence with Lisa Turtle daydreaming about being a movie star someday. Yes, it was that poorly produced. The funniest part was that I think these 7 dolts (ok, Brenden and Vanessa seem kind of intelligent) were under the impression that those photographers were real and that they were just trying to get some good shots of these future reality TV superstars.

The gang arrived to greet a very bored-looking Kathy Hilton at the restaurant. Seriously, it was evident that she’s totally had enough of this show and these people, and she obviously just wanted to get back to snorting caviar from hairless virgin boy’s asses in Geneva or whatever it is the super rich do for fun these days. I thought to myself that she should just cut the final 7 in half at the end of this show to speed up the process. Nah, I couldn’t be that fortunate… Kathy had her now-expected useless mystery lunch guests in tow – Celebrity photog Dave Allocca and scribe Jeffrey Slonim, “a great entertainment writer with top magazines all over the world.” You know, those “top magazines” Google can’t find doing a simple search on his name. Maybe he’s covering that hot Bhutan gossip beat… “Dateline Thimphu, Lhengye Shungtsog was spotted taking Jigme Singye’s yak for a drunken stroll through town. My spies noted that Shungtsog was bragging about his relationship with Indiana Jones…”

Jules, makeup is your friend.

The purpose of the photographer’s and gossip guy’s presence was to teach the young hopefuls how to best avoid the many media pitfalls that come with being a famously rich socialite. (*Cough*Paris Hilton*cough*) They mentioned what not to do in public (*Cough*Paris Hilton*cough*) and warned, “Do you want to be photographed hammered leaving a club (*Cough*Paris Hilton*cough*)?” Geeze guys, you’re guests of Kathy Hilton! If you wanted to address Paris, you should have contacted her directly and not put her mother through the ringer like that! Thus far, the contestants (and/or the editors) have avoided the obvious questions about Paris. After some piss-poor attempt at humorous fake tabloid headlines involving the gang, loudmouth Jules finally broke the taboo. “Kathy, how do you handle all the stuff with Paris?”

OoooOOOoooOOOoh! Wow, despite the fact I can’t stand her, Jules just became my favorite to go all the way! (Sorry about that picture of you a minute ago.) Yes, Kathy, what about your infamously drunken slut of a daughter who has appeared in a widely distributed sex video? How do you reconcile that fact with having a reality show in which you purport to be the doyenne of civility and grace? How can you stand there, week after week, supposedly teaching these youngsters how to handle themselves in the public eye with proper etiquette and style when your eldest daughter is whoring it up at every party from here to Bangkok while your second daughter has already been through a quickie marriage to some douchebag? Hmmmmmmmm? Do tell.

Kathy swallowed hard and explained that “Paris is a strong woman with a great positive attitude but sometimes she cries like a baby.” OK, but that’s not what I asked. What about the sex tape? “You know what,” said Kathy, “Don’t be so damn judgmental. Life goes on.” Huh? Man, I’ll be sure to remember that response when my illicit sex tape is leaked (Richard Simmons, you devil, you). Reminds me of my favorite moments on American Idol type shows after the JUDGES JUDGE a person to suck and the person says, without a trace of irony, “Whateva. Who are they to judge?” Love that. (You can really tell the show sucks when I go off on so many tangents.) After Kathy (sort of) faced the music, JW was moved to note how “inspirational” she is. Ah yes, JW…I am also inspired to be born rich, marry rich, and have rich slutty daughters. She truly is an inspiration to us all! Amen.

As lunch was wrapping up, Kathy revealed that her charges would get to go to a red carpet event that evening after meeting with a Public Relations coach to get some pointers. Since I’m the only one who actually watched this show, believe me when I tell you that they all have some grand delusion that they will soon be rich and famous. They all nervously talked about how they would handle the press and paparazzi. If by “press” they meant “sg-dub of TVgasm” and by “paparazzi” they meant “B-Side with his camera phone at LAX,” then rest assured kids, you’ll be fine. Jules even went so far as to ponder the effects her new-found stardom would have on her frequent clubbing forays into NYC. The PR lady did a great job of maintaining her poise and suppressing her laughter. Hey Jules, if you’re in need of a bodyguard, give me a call. I’m a skinny white boy, sure, but something tells me I could handle all those crazy obsessed fans of yours. You nut.

A limo drove the crew to the “red carpet event” where they all excitedly entered the “meet and greet” to learn… It was THEY who were going to be holding a “press conference!” Not only that, but the surprise secret guest behind the curtain was none other than… Donny Deutsch! Wow, I’ve never seen him on an NBC reality show with a rich person’s name attached before! Apparently, Jackaay is a huge fan of the Deutschster, as she sat and stared at him with a creepy perma-smile the likes of which I haven’t seen since I last visited Madame Tussaud’s. There was actually a bigger surprise from behind the curtain: the return of the previously booted cast members! There was the quarterback Jabe and his trusted offensive guard, Latricia. The others were all back including British bitch Yvette, cocky plumber Johnny, and Insane Ann. Jackaay was up first and I was hoping to finally get to the bottom of why she has that extra ‘a’ in her name. It’s been driving me crazy since week one. But no, Yvette asked instead, “It’s no secret that you don’t like me. Is it because I’m beautiful or are you just jealous of me?”

Now, that question was horrible in so many different ways (aside from just being mean and pointless) I don’t even know where to begin. First, it wasn’t even written/thought of by Yvette. You could tell each castaway had questions written for them by the producers of the show. Second, the question presents a false dichotomy which just drives me mad. Not only that, the two options the question presented were actually the same option to begin with. Also, Yvette is decidedly NOT “beautiful.” Sigh. Must… Stop… Thinking… Too much. Another funny thing about this “press conference” was the two dozen or so fake cameramen and writers present in the background. I couldn’t be sure, but I think I’ve seen every one of those “writers” walking by in various Law and Order episodes before. I could swear that the “writer” who kept yawning in the background even had a line on L&O – SVU last week. Each finalist answered his or her questions (Niki was horrible, JW was a total politician, Jaret was super serious about his all-important etiquette training, and Brenden reiterated that a bunch of the others were indeed “stupid”). The worst part? Ann didn’t break out in an uplifting song. I would have loved to see Donny Deutsch tell her to shut the hell up.

After this nonsense, all seven joined Kathy at The Residence to determine who would be sent home. Kathy still looked extremely bored and tired of her own show and announced, out of nowhere, that 3 people would be sent home that evening. YES!! My dream came true! For the first time since I can remember, a reality show elicited verbal excitement from me. Best. News. Ever. There really is no point in breaking down the proceedings, as they were all relatively civil and unexciting. JW and Jackaay both said that Niki was the worst at the press conference and Brenden revealed his new “I coulda been on ‘thirtysomething’” outfit. He was rocking the faux-intellectual glasses, the green button down shirt, and the assistant professor beard that told Kathy, “I care. I really, really care. About my Saab.” Kathy took it all in and retreated to her drawing room to prepare “the list.” That being the list of the names of the four who would get to stay. Unfortunately for Brenden, Darling Niki and Yenta Jules, Kathy left their names off and they were sent into the netherworld of reality has-beens.

That’s right; the Final Four consists of Jackaay, JW, Vanessa, and Jaret. If those names don’t evoke visions of high society life, I don’t know what would do it for you. So…anyone else even see this episode?