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I’m gonna start this one off with a warning. If you are easily frightened, sickened or traumatized. DO NOT GO ANY FURTHER. Now let’s get right to it y’all. Here’s the 2 hour premiere of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!
We start off with these two telling us that they are coming to us live from the bowels of Costa Rica! Ok he said deep inside the jungle. Same diff. Damien I recognize but I have no clue who Myleene Klass is. I just know I don’t like her shoes. At all.
They tell us that 11 celebrities are about to start the adventure of a lifetime. Oh you mean they are going to go stand in line at Bubba’s House of Pig Feet on free snout night? No? Maybe that’s just a southern thing. Anyway Crappyshoes tells us that the 11
suckers celebrities have been braving the elements already for the last 48 hours. Damien tells us that the only thing that is certain is that we, the viewing audience get to control their lives. We decide who stays, who goes and who will be crowned King or Queen of the jungle. And they tell us do not forget that this show is live Monday thru Thursday at 8pm. Yippie! Let’s meet everyone.
Oh yeah and it’s all for charity. So yay for charity. Can we get to the show now please? Sorry, Cherie is out of ice cream and is a little cranky. OK FINALLY!
Oh good grief. Dramatic scenes of planes and helicopters and jungle footage and CRAP. Up first is Team Red!
Team Red is already my favorite because the first person they show is none other than the adorable Janice Dickinson herself!
She informs us that she coined the term Supermodel because she was the very first one. She also tells us she hates these types of experiences and she hates insects. That means we are guaranteed some serious Janice tantrum action!
Next up is the part I warned you about. What you are about to see may traumatize you for life. You’ve been warned.
His goal he mutters thru that face of herp fuzz, is to show that he is an even bigger “super villain” than people think. I don’t think you are a super villain, I think you are a creepy douche. Oh and he says this “I’d rather live in a jungle full of monkeys than go back to America a loser.” I hope he packed a lot of shit.
Next up is none other than Super Douche’s “wife”. I shall call her Heidious.
She tells us she knows nothing and isn’t worried because she has her husband to take care of her. Good luck with that dingbat. She also says she’s looking forward to getting a tan and having a kinda spa vacation without the spa. Oh like how you have a husband without a man. Gotcha.
Next up is Team Yellow! First up is a person I have never seen before.
She says she too is scared of insects but she likes to be strong so there.
Up next is a Baldwin brother. Am I the only one who thinks that maybe there are, like, too many of these fuckers running around?
I’m trying to reserve judgment but he’s using words like Gnarly and whacked and it makes me want to smack him.
Next up is 2 people who use one name. No it’s not Brangelina. They are too busy populating the earth for a two bit show like this. No this is none other than Frances and Angela, also known as Frangela. I like these two but this name will irritate me so from now on they are Frick and Frack. Or whatever I feel like typing at any given moment. That kinda goes for this entire recap by the way.
They tell us that the others are going to have to raise the bar to meet their physical capabilities. I’m seriously gonna love these two. And I would like to have a chicken wing eatin’ contest with them also. It’s a hobby. Don’t be judging.
He’s says he’s looking forward to it but knows there will be some terrifying moments. I’m counting on it.
Next up is the kid from The Jungle Book. Oh wait, my bad, it’s Sanjaya!
He says everyone thinks of him as wholesome but he has a freak flag and he intends to fly it. I say he has Frick and Frack fighting over his sweet ass before it’s over.
Now I’m getting pissed. Instead of showing these damn teams in order they’ve jumped back to the red team.
He tells us he is terrified of spiders and now he gets to face his fears. And then last and for reasons I can’t figure out, this woman is on the show.
Ok so being married to someone who is accused of being an alleged criminal makes you a celebrity? Was Ted Bundy’s wife unavailable? Oh wait, he’s dead. Nevermind. Seriously though, what qualifies this woman as a celebrity? My husband got a speeding ticket last week, can I be on the show?
Anyway, the Red Team is making their way through the jungle when suddenly Heidious spots a giant river! No! In the middle of a jungle! Dumbass.
So John Sally decides he’s going to plan out how he gets across this river. You know, like people with sense do. Unfortunately he slips and falls on his ass causing me to giggle. He then decides to hell with it and he crawls across. Suddenly Heidious notices that Patty is gone. And we hear Janice screaming “Patty, get up!” Janice is screaming all kinds of shit. And Patty is just floating down the rapids. And I giggle some more.
Luckily for Patty the rapids run straight into a lagoon and she’s able to just stand up and walk to shore. Heidious wades out about three inches, reaches out her hand and says “I got ya Patty.” My hero. Everyone agrees it was scary and traumatizing and Patty just hopes that that’s as exciting as it gets on this trip.
After the break we have Damien and Crappyshoes telling us lame ass jokes and reminding us of what just happened. Gee, thanks. I had forgotten already. Now lets go see how the Yellow Team is doing!
As they make their way through the jungle, it becomes very noticeable that Steven thinks he’s the boss. He tells them how to walk. He tells LaBamba to not help Frick or Frack and let them figure it out for themselves. And he says “If she falls down, we will pick her up.” Notice he didn’t say “I” will. He said “we”. That’s all I’m saying.
Guess what happens? Frances/Frack busts ass.
Steven tries to put it politely by saying this would be hard for anyone much less a lard ass. He’s worried she might not be cut out for this. Ha! I’d sit on that rock and cry until someone helicoptered my ass out and they better have a bag of Taco Bell with them. Steven gives more instructions on how not to fall and and keeps asking if she’s ok and blah blah blah. LaBamba jumps on the cheerleading bandwagon too. And then we see this.
Oh jeeze, back to the Red Team. Super Douche is telling us he doesn’t know how he’s going to endure the sleeping environment with these “strangers.” Janice meanwhile is flying through the jungle because she talked John Sally into carrying her bag for her. And she probably has a crack pipe hidden in her butt. John wants to know what he’s gonna get for carrying her bags. She tells him ‘rice and beans bro.”
Suddenly Janice sees a big black monkey and John says “Whatchu trying to say?” LOL. She’s saying there’s an actual monkey up in the tree. And I swear I am not making this up, Heidious says “Is he a real monkey?”
Super Douche yells at the monkey and says a bunch of other lame shit. Like “I just want to go back to the Hills.” Be my guest. Then he tells us he wants to get to camp because it’s just one more step in his quest for victory. He knows everyone expects him to quit on the first day and he’s not gonna.
Finally they arrive at camp and Captain Douche starts bitching and Janice seems happy. Told ya she had some crack in that ass. Heidious looks traumatized. She says “I feel like everything I love just got taken away from me. And not in a fun way.” Is there some way we can stop her from speaking please? After more whining, Captain Douche and Heidious wander off into the woods to bitch some more. They don’t know how long they can last out there. Then they lay in a hammock together and pray. Seriously.
I’m pretty sure they don’t have anacondas in Costa Rica but a girl can dream ok? Cut to the two useless hosts again. Oh now I know where CrappyShoes came from. She was on the British version. Still don’t care. And here’s a close up of her ugly ass shoes.
Finally the Yellow Team make it to camp with the Red Team. Introductions all around. John announces he will cook because he’s a vegetarian and he doesn’t want anyone putting no swine in his food. He says he’s pretty anal about it. This perks Janice up.
They all decide they have got to keep that fire going no matter what. Then Janice tells Steven that he’s on top of the stock pile of things so if he feels her rummaging around…and he finishes her sentence with “you’re looking for a stiff piece of wood?” Bad little Baldwin boy!
Heidious bitches some more about wah wah wah. Someone discovers a rule book. As LaBamba reads that two celebs must empty the poo pot every day Captain Douche and Heidious head out to the woods. Again. And Heidious says this.
Heidious tells us that she feels like she could do this forever if she just had some S’mores and maybe a change of clothes. But this she says is something you would torture Al Quaida with. No watching The Hills is something you would torture terrorists with but I think Obama outlawed that as cruel and inhumane treatment.
So after more wah wahing these two go to the confessional and tell them they quit. Then they go back to camp and announce that shit. And these idiots try and talk them into staying! SHUT UP!!! And then LaBamba has to go and make a valid damn point. Not that it made a difference.
And these assholes say yes but that’s why they picked the 2 biggest charities in the world so it wouldn’t really matter if they get no money. Hate is not a strong enough word for these two. And off they go again. Where the hell is a smoke monster when you need one?
As the producer tries to talk him into staying Super Douche tells him that he’s just too rich and famous to be sitting with these people and cleaning up their shit in the jungle. He says this cast is “devaluing” their fame right now. He thought there was going to be actual stars on the show. Not this riff raff. I’m not sure I can keep typing. I may need to punch something. Hard.
Back at camp John asks if anyone ever watched The Hills. This is the only time I’ve seen Sanjungleboy not smiling.
The group converses back and forth about why they left and blah blah blah. Mostly the consensus is, no one gives a shit. And just when I feel happiness. Just a touch of hope. It happens.
LaBamba tells us that if this whole thing was a stunt he doesn’t think it’s going to keep them on the show. I don’t think they do anything that isn’t a stunt. For some reason Heidious says “Let’s all give a round of applause.” and my two favorites do this.
Everyone settles down to go to sleep. Except for Sanjungleboy. He’s gonna tend the fire. And Captain Douche and Heidious are also awake and mesmerized by the fire. So much so that all three start doing some stupid fire dance. I think they found Janice’s stash.
Finally the two wads decide to crawl into their hammock and go to sleep. And this happens. And yes I rewound about 70 times.
The next morning everyone is up. Working the camp. Washing dishes. Gathering firewood. Making plans for the day and what they are going to do and eat. Except these two.
John takes a picture of them and Frick and Frack imitate them.
Steven tells us that everything seemed fine. And then they noticed Mr. & Mrs. Wad had disappeared again. And we see Heidious running across the bridge and Captain Douche in subtitles yelling at someone.
Everyone around camp figures its another one of their stunts and that maybe this time they have actually escaped for good. Frick or Frack says for them to check their shit for food. And seriously the rest of the camp decides these assholes are gone for good so they start dividing up their stuff. They take Heidious’ hair products and pull the label off. Torrie starts playing around with it and joking. No harm in that right?
WRONG! These two are like a turd that just won’t flush. When they tell them that they took their hammock Super Douche announces that he’s going to cook Sanjungleboy alive. They explain that since they thought the heavens had blessed them and they were gone forever that they took the hair product and took the label off. And Super Douche loses his shit.
A huge argument ensues with Frack saying he hit her and he says he didn’t. Then he gets in her face with the hair product bottle and screams how could you do this. Over and over. It’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. Janice agrees with Super Douche that he didn’t hit her but he did hit what she was holding. Same thing in my book. I’d kick him in his tiny little nuts and claim I had a leg seizure. Fucker.
Super Douche keeps repeating “How dare you disrespect my wife’s possessions like that?” And then we see Heidious seriously weeping over the fact that someone removed the label from her dry shampoo.
On and on and on it goes. You hit me. You are a liar. Blah blah blah. John tries to pull Super Douche away but he keeps coming back. Sweet Lord please let this end. At one point I think he even starts barking causing Steven to laugh his ass off and say he’d heard of jungle fever but this was ridiculous.
A very slobbery crying whiny Heidious tells us that her husband is a “very new Christian” so he’s having to work hard on his temper and stuff. Super Douche is still tripping and starts grabbing other peoples things and finally someone convinces him to take a breath. And this is how he calms himself.
Nevermind, it ain’t over. After Frick and Frack tell us that those two are like spoiled children, we see Super Douche with that damned dry shampoo again making fun of Torrie. He says the only thing she can sell is steroids. She denies taking them and he says she can’t be that buff without them. She says she works out and asks if he does and he says no he’s too busy making money. Someone please, kill him now.
By the way, it’s still day one.
Oh look Damien and CrappyShoes have invaded the camp. They came to inform them that the teams will now be boys against girls. No more red and yellow. They will be battling each other for everything. Food, luxuries and immunity from the public vote.
Frick and Frack tell us this shit ain’t fair because the boys have John, who is a pro athlete, LaBamba who is a brick, Sanjaya because he’s got mad jungle skills, like Mowgli or something, and then they have Spencer, who can’t do anything unless it involves yelling.
Meanwhile Torrie is off swimming and Super Douche still can’t get over the extreme disrespect shown to his wife so he takes Torrie’s bag and goes and hides it. Everyone warned him not to do it. But he did it. In the words of Steven,”Homeboy’s whack.” When Torrie comes back and finds it missing she tells us that she thinks he is threatened by her because she can win this game and she can definitely knock his ass out.
The teams regroup and Super Douche apologizes to everyone for his behavior and hugs all around. And they believe him. Silly,silly people.
Cut to Super Douche saying that he’s always planning his next move and everyone thinks he feels so bad but the reality is, he’s just faking them out. And he still hates all of those people. Right back at ya possum face.
Next he starts telling everyone how he is a black belt in jujitsu, he kick boxes and boxes every day and he fears no man. Steven laughs. He blathers on about being a villain and that’s his brand and I just don’t care anymore can we get to a challenge please?
Oh he also announces that he’s already the King of America, he might as well be the King of the Costa Rican jungle.
Finally they get a note saying to fill their canteens and when called get to the bridge. This will be a food challenge.
Ok so the two groups will be competing 2 at a time to win food for themselves as well as their group. The group that wins will get a chicken dinner. The group who loses gets the same old rice and beans. Since there are six girls and only five boys, Janice will sit this challenge out.
Up first is John for the boys against Heidious for the girls. And they have to eat a rats tail.
John Sally wins! Up next is Angela against Sajungleboy. They will be drinking a cow’s intestine milkshake. I am so gonna barf before this over.
Sanjungleboy wins and when the girls complain that he spilled some on the table he SUCKED IT UP! Boys 2-Girls 0
Next up is Frances and Spencer. I hate this show.
Frances wins! Yay. Please God make this end. Girls 1-Boys-2 Cherie-DISGUSTED.
Up next-Patty and LaBamba. Eating a tarantula.
LaBamba starts to barf. I start to barf. But LaBamba wins! Girls-1 Boys 3 Cherie Gonna pass out
Next up is-Torrie against Steven. And they will be eating tripe, also known as cow intestine. I can’t watch. Steven said every time he bit into it, it squirted like a little fart of disgustingness. That’s it, I’m gonna die. Torrie wins!
Heidious and John are up again and they will be eating scorpions. 3 each. Chomp chomp gross gross icky nasty gag! John wins. Girls-2 Boys-4 Cherie hatin’ life
Next up we have Angela and Sanjungleboy. And an Iguana’s tail. Almost as soon as the lid is lifted Sanjungleboy threw that shit down his throat and swallowed it whole! Boys win!
Back at camp everyone seems to bond and no one fights. Boring. Then LaBamba says he was kinda hoping he would have had to eat bull testicles. He could handle that. Okie dokie. Then Damien and CrappyShoes come on the screen and show this and since it’s for charity so will I.
Back from commercial Super Douche decides to ask Patty why her giant headed husband is facing jail time. I don’t get into politics. I don’t know if he’s guilty or not. I don’t really care. But Patty goes into a long boring story about how all she and her husband have ever done is help children and her husband was impeached and now is also facing legal charges and it’s a bad situation all around.
Everyone tells her how brave she is and they pray and then thank the Lord a basket drops from above with the food. Everyone is all happy and the guys are suckers enough to share even though they weren’t supposed to. And then Heidious says one of the dumbest things yet. She said “What if we were on the show with someone who was like really mean and awful.” And Spencer says the most truthful thing he’s ever said . He says “Like me?”
Then Super Douche threw some food in the fire and Janice had a shit fit. She made him dig it out because she said it would attract rats. Rats who apparently wear flame retardant suits.
Another note. They have to pick a leader for each team. LaBamba gets picked for the boys and Janice for the girls. Really? LOL and the next trial is between Janice and LaBamba to decide who becomes the one and only leader of the entire group for the next week. Also who ever wins this trial will still get to eat whether their team wins or not in the food challenge. They must each sit with their arms raised and chained to what’s called a bucket of jungle slime.
About 20 seconds in Janice makes a deal with LaBamba to give her points if she throws the comp. He agrees and she dumps slime all over herself.
With this win LaBamba gets to eat no matter what and he also gets to assign chores for the week. Sanjungleboy offers to rub his feet every morning. That’s not even a joke. And it even creeps out Baby Baldwin. Frick and Frack volunteer for dish duty. Steven volunteers to collect wood and empty the latrine. Torrie is to take care of boiling water. And guess what these two are gonna do?
Finally we come to the first actually immunity trial. At the end of this week America will send one of these idiots home. Tonight they have to compete not only for themselves, but for their team members as well. If Pink wins, no one from Pink can be sent home. Same thing for Blue. Got it? I don’t care anymore.
First Damien drags them in Probst style to ask them inane questions. Steven it seems has just been bitten by a bullet ant. They call it that because it feels like you’ve been shot when it bites you. I got bit by a bunch of fire ants over the weekend and wanted a morphine drip. All they gave me was an alcohol swab. And when I say “they” I mean the imaginary people I pretend take care of me. I have issues.
More stupid questions and then they finally get to it. They will be strapped to a board head first, lowered into a tank, and then some friends will join them. Creepy crawly friends. If you want out you pull your release handle and you will be immediately let up.
For some reason that totally escapes me, Super Douche and Heidious are sitting this one out. And Heidious is dry shampooing her hair. The rest are strapped in and ready to go.
First out is Frick and Frack. Then Janice. Then John.
And this is how they leave us for tonight. As far as I can tell the ones left still in it are, Torrie, Steven, Sanjungleboy, LaBamba and Patty. If my math is off blame my brain. It quit working hours ago.
That’s it for me until Thursday’s show lovies. Tuesday’s show will be covered by the lovely l Boogie!