I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!: The Bitchy and Scratchy Show

It’s only day 2 of our 23 day journey and Speidi has already quit a total of three times. However, that’s the same number of times that they got engaged, got married and had a threesome with Perez Hilton so they’ll probably be back soon. The group has been divided into women vs. men teams and I hate when shows do this. The men almost alwyas beat the women and it sets the whole Equal Rights movement back like 50 years. Of course, so does this…

The episode begins with the ‘celebrities’ in the trauma tank in which roaches, spiders and snakes will crawl on them until the celebrity quits. Frangela quits first and is promptly followed by Janice who starts shouting at no one in particular, “No, no!! Do you know who I am?” Bitch, do you know what show you’re on? This isn’t “I’m a Celebrity, Let Me Relax!” The point of this show is to do wild and crazy things-wild and crazy things that were announced before you lowered yourself into the TRAUMA TANK. In Janice’s defense, she is a model. Maybe she thought the trauma tank was the new summer must have.

Patented boob buckle will keep Heidi from stealing your implants.

I wouldn’t have lasted more than 4 seconds in that tank but I could’ve sworn Ms. Dickinson proclaimed her victory over the animal kingdom like three decades ago.

The rest of the cast gives up one by one until there are only four left. Stephen Baldwin, Lou Diamond Phillips, Sanjaya and Torrie Wilson. I’m pretty sure Sanjaya didn’t mind the snake crawling up his crotch. It’s a nifty way to get around the “no sex” clause in their contracts.

Lou gives up after water starts being pumped into the trauma tank. This concerns me a little. It doesn’t seem like a good idea to drown the cast-well unless Heidi and Spencer are involved and then it’s the best idea EVER! Torrie is the last standing female and a couple of snakes decide to make her face their home. That, and the waterboarding, cause her to quit. It is down to Sanjaya and Stephen Baldwin and the tension is mounting. Actually, another snake is mounting Sanjaya but it’s all the same at this point. Stephen has enough of the torture and gives up so Sanjaya wins. After the win, the contestants go back to camp and discover that there is a bed for Sanjaya since he won. Sanjaya is incredibly excited about this. As Sanjaya celebrates with a cute little victory dance, Lou brings a scroll over to the group and reveals that the bed is actually for the leader-Lou. Sanjaya totally changes his tune and says that he’s there to win, not sleep on a bed and Lou might get eaten by bugs who like beds. Yeah, I think they’re called bed bugs sweetie. You could’ve saved yourself two extra words.

After commercial, Damien and Marleen (the hosts) start talking about how America will be able to vote and Marleen had such a hard time when she did the show in Britain…blah, blah, blah. Let’s get back to the action please. The Angela in Frangela is having a hard time coping with jungle living. She wakes up before everyone else, is scared out of her mind and has to poop. She does what anyone in that situation would do.

Angela explains that she’s lived in Detroit, Chicago and L.A. and I’m not really sure what that has to do with anything but apparently she’s in the midst of a breakdown so she’s just throwing out random words and phrases. They’re gonna rip her a new one on the “Best Week Ever” if she doesn’t cut this out. The next morning, Angela tells Frances that she loves to hear her snore at night because it sounds like home. Angela is serious as hell but Frances proceeds to laugh at her better half. I wish I could tell her what a bad idea that is. You don’t laugh at crazy jungle people; they might kill you in your sleep.

Later on, Stephen has a talk with Spencer about faith. The only excuse that Heidi has been able to offer up for Spencer’s existence is that he’s a new Christian so Stephen explains that Spencer should be baptized in order to cement his faith. Heidi agrees to this and says that she wants to be like Mother Theresa by feeding the hungry, helping the poor, living in sin with her boyfriend for two years, backstabbing her friends, making a mockery of marriage and carrying around $20,000 purses in the midst of a recession.

Spencer is impressed by the mini sermon Stephen delivered and says that he will be like that in two years. Spencer adds that he is very fascinated by Christianity because everything that he and Heidi pray for comes true. Por ejemplo, Spencer prayed that he’d go on a double date with Miley Cyrus and it came true! I’m just a little disturbed at the fact that he was praying to do anything with a 16 year old girl.

Meanwhile, Lou has another scroll to read for the day’s challenge. The groups have to pick a woman and man to go into the jungle for a competition. Spencer bullies the cast into allowing he and Heidi to do the challenge. Spencer says that even though he’s her wife, he’s going to beat her. As if that weren’t disturbing enough, Heidi interviews that he’d throw her off a cliff to win.

I mean, really. I’ve never seen a couple so comfortable with domestic abuse. The challenge today is a food trial. Speidi will have to go into a building that’s infested with vermin and try to find 20 stars in the dark. Sounds like a night at the Viper Room. Spencer is able to retrieve 2 stars out of 20. Heidi goes in and I’m fully expecting her to kick ass. I mean if she can manage to find Spencer’s penis, she can certainly find a couple of other small, pointy objects in the dark. Heidi basically stands around and prays that God helps her like he did with Daniel in the lion’s den. Except, Daniel wasn’t whoring himself out on a reality television show and he didn’t look like a horse. I have a picture Bible so I know this for a fact. Heidi only manages to retrieve one star and the guys team wins. Spencer and Heidi return to camp and tell everyone else what they went through. Spencer announces that the guys are having fish for dinner since he won.

This has become the Heidi and Spencer show in case you haven’t noticed. Spencer tells the group that the challenge was so torturous that now he isn’t scared of anything. He syas that now he will open doors and ask “Who’s there?” Ummmm, I learned that when I was six. He also said that people could put a gun in his face and he wouldn’t be scared.

Janice gets annoyed with Spencer’s bragging and tells him to shut up and take a shower because there’s more to come. He says that there won’t be more because he’s leaving; the challenge was torturous. Huh? He just said he’s Super Spencer, impervious to closed doors and guns. Then we get to the root of all of this and says that he’s too rich and too famous to do this. Spencer apologizes to his charity and says that he’ll go donate blood. Upon hearing this, the Red Cross issued an immediate response.

If I needed a life saving procedure and the only blood they could give me belonged to Spencer, I would kill myself to guarantee that no part of him touched me-ever. Then again, his blood would make me invincible against bullets and closed doors. I may have to rethink my opinion. Before leaving the jungle, Spencer wants to be baptized by Stephen. Janice disagrees with this because Stephen is not an ordained minister. Janice is also really pissed because she doesn’t want to be on a show with holy rollers. She probably wouldn’t mind being on the show with hot rollers, high rollers, marijuana rollers or roller coasters but definitely not holy rollers.

Janice relents though and shows up to the ceremony. I can’t help but be a little touched by this baptism but since it involves Spencer it feels like an uncomfortable mocking of a sacred ritual (which by the way can be performed by anyone as long as it’s for the right reasons). Spencer and Heidi announce that they are about to leave as if they expect people to argue them down. Keep in mind that just a few hours ago, Spencer was confident enough to talk to doors and take a glock to the face but now he’s just taking up time on this show as he has all episode. I haven’t even gotten a chance to address Sanjaya and his random poses with suggestive objects.

Anymelon, most of the group doesn’t care that Speidi is leaving again. Sanjaya thinks that they’ll probably come back again. Spencer says that he and Heidi are super celebrities and they belong in L.A. with paparazzi. He also says that someone would have to put a gun in his face to make him stay. Here we go with this gun again. He really wants a gun in his face! Is “gun” code word for ‘wang’? He keeps throwing around this gun fantasy but it doesn’t make sense. Not even gangsters WANT a gun in their face. I think Spencer is yearning for something else. Let’s replace Spencer’s use of the word “gun” with wang, shall we?

“Did someone call me?”

Speidi affirms that they don’t have to eat bugs and do silly things like have fake weddings and spread sex tape rumors to become “more famous”. I’m thinking that Speidi just keeps leaving to have sex since it’s against the rules. It seems like they leave and come back every ten minutes with Heidi’s head hanging in shame. No one from the camp argues with Speidi to stay and they leave. Again.

Sanjaya goes into snarky bitch mode once they’re gone and says that he’s more mature than Speidi because he has had to work all his life; they’ve been handed everything. On the car ride home, Spencer takes off and says that he doesn’t volunteer, he gets paid. I know he’s a complete jerk but he does make me laugh sometimes. Damien and Marleen meet up with the celebrities to announce that America will be voting on who is going home. Janice thinks it’ll be her and the guys, who have immunity, get to pick a woman to also have immunity. The guys pick Patti and Janice thinks that they made a good choice. The cast just kinda lingers around awkwardly while waiting for the cameras to zoom out and a couple of them seem a little too eager to have the cameras leave. I have a feeling that after the cameras are off, the celebrities walk off the Costa Rican set that’s been built at Universal Studios, and go up to their suites at the HoJo right behind the painted “jungle” wall. That still counts as “roughing” it in the celebrity world; it’s not like they’re at the Ritz Carlton.

So what did you think? As much as I hate Speidi, they do bring drama to the show. And is it wrong that I still have a crush on Lou Diamond Phillips from the LaBamba days?

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