Yes folks it’s finally here. The day we’ve all been waiting for. Who will be named King or Queen of the Jungle? Let’s wade through the 58 minutes of commercials and rehashing and find out who wins I’m A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here!
Wanna spank my monkey?
We start off as usual with Funk and Wanker telling us about all the bullshit we already know. And after about 500 words basically they tell us that A. It’s raining. B. They are in the jungle. C. Who the fuck cares?
What I want to know is, why the hell does this woman insist on showing her crooked clunky bow legged ass knot kneed legs?
I’ve seen better legs on a donkey.
Bottom line, thanks to you America, we are down to LaBamba, John, and Torrie. You people sent my Sanjungleboy home. Right now America you may picture my chubby naked ass pointing in your general direction. And that’s all I will say about that. Oh yeah and imagine a fart noise at the same time. Bad America! Boo!
However being the fickle bitch that I am I still have LaBamba too root for. Oh crap here we go. Lets take a look back shall we? Aww we see scenes of mountains and foliage and nature and all that shit that can kill you in a heartbeat. Unless of course you are Bear Grylls, then you can just drink your own urine and eat bark while on camera and then have a nice tasty dinner at HoJo’s. Sick bastard.
Let’s see the “Celebrities” do THAT!
Ok more blah blah blah from the announcer douche. 24 days ago they were PLUNGED! PLUNGED I say into the jungle. And the drama was instantaneous. Much like my boredom with this shit is right now. We get, or rather I get to relive Heidious’ greasy slobbery meltdown over some one removing the labels from her dry shampoo. Super Douche and his bazillion “Spence outs.” They came back. They left, hopefully they fell off a cliff. There were fights, crying, laughing. We found out Janice is a thieving lying bulimic crackhead who loves to shove as much shit in her mouth as possible.
You should see her eat pasta.
The trials the tribulations. Yes for the love of jungle juice we know. We saw already. Men v/s women. Men rule. Women suck. Wah wah wah. Then one by one America used their vote of death until we are now down to these three.
Pensive and thoughtful.
Empty headed and big boobied.
Doesn’t eat meat so automatically I don’t trust him.
Oh dear sweet jesus now they want to go BACK and show us how they made it to the finals. WE ALREADY KNOW! Sorry folks, I’m skipping that shit. America killed my Sanjungleboy and then LaBamba sort of made out with him and then they sent Peppermint Patti back to her criminal ass hubby. Good riddance. Bite me.
Hey BITCH! Get OFF MY BOYFRIEND!
When they realize they’re down to three, John cries for Peppermint Patti, Torrie does a dorky boobie dance and LaBamba gives a speech about being the strongest and proud of the three of them and even though it’s self serving and a little over the top seeing as how they are on a
set in a safe-ish area of the jungle, I still love him so there!
Oh hell they’re baaaaaaaack! After the commercial break the whole cast of well, out casts, has been reassembled. Along with Hemm and Roid to explain everything to us so we won’t get confused. For some reason Frick and Frack couldn’t make the trip. Probably because they have sense!
I’m not wearing any bloomers!
The rest however are healthy and happy and Super Douche and Heidious are demon free. They flashback to the many ignorant ass Super Douche moments. His excuse, “You just don’t know how you are going to react in a jungle with amazing celebrities.” Excuse me? I thought they de-valued your fame asshole? Lamien calls him on it and Super Douche blames Satan or constipation or whatever and kisses everyone’s ass. They ask Baby Bloaty what he thinks about all that and he mumbles a bunch of horse shit but what he really means…
Jesus hates them both and I’m pretty sure they’re going to hell.
Next Kiss and Ass focus on Janice. They flashback to her “bumps in the road”. But first they tell her how gorgeous she is. The one shot I don’t see is when Janice pisses all over her own feet, doesn’t even wipe, and then crawls back into bed. I bet that cot smelled like a dead skunk in the morning.
I’m the worlds first Supermodel, I can piss where I want. As a matter of fact I’m pissing right now.
Then Freak and Geek ask Big Bloaty what he thought of the whole Janice thing. He says “I’m thinking JFK.”
Uhhh does that mean you want to fuck Marilyn Monroe or have Janice assassinated?
Lamien pretends he understands and finally they head back to the final 3. And the Jungle Spa. For the final food trial, they will be playing for their favorite food. There are 6 stations and they will visit 2 each. One by one they will enter whatever disgusting contraption that some sick bastard at NBC came up with and retrieve 2 stars from each place. First is the Scare Wash and it’s for Torrie.
Hey I’ve been to that salon!
Torrie manages to fight through the awful bugs and crap and gets her 2 stars. Up next is John and he has to endure a Frightening Facial. I endured one of those in high school. When a dude tells you to close your eyes because he has a big surprise….run.
Anyhoodle, John has to stick his face in a box of whats called “vomit fruit.” Strangely enough that’s exactly what I did on that dudes fruit after the “big surprise.”
Clue-If it has the word “vomit” in it, I ain’t doing it.
John gets both his stars. LaBamba is up next with a “Menacing Manicure.” He has to stick his hands in a couple of boxes. One with frogs, one with spiders. He does both and gets his stars.
Basically every guy I ever dated right in that box.
Time for round three. Torrie has to get into a hot tub with the smallest crocs I’ve ever seen. She does it with no problem and then does something that turns the guys on and I totally do not get it.
How can that possible be considered hot. Men, y’all are some sick bastards.
Then John has to sit in a clear box with a bunch of snakes and get his two stars. Simple. Ok. Spiders scare him but snakes are ok?
Oh look, my ex husband. You bastard.
LaBamba now has to go through a “Spray Tan.” He says he’ll be tanning like Paris Hilton and be just as dizzy.” LOL. He gets sprayed with goo and then has worms dumped on him but he gets his stars.
Uhh LaBamba, I think it’s time we see other people.
Afterwards he runs towards the 2 useless hosts to give them a hug but doesn’t follow through. I would’ve slimed the hell out of both of them.
That would have been AWESOME!
More useless chatter. This is the most amazing experience since the McRibb. There were good days and bad but they never gave up. Yay. They’ve all learned things. Like supermodels are some of the nastiest, germiest, most vile creatures alive. Sometimes skinny little boys who look gay may not be. Oh yeah and everyone poops. Everyone loves everyone. They will be BFF’s forever and ever and ever. Blah blah blah. I appreciate you, you make me a better man, you complete me, nobody puts Baby in a corner…what? Anyway they have mad love for each other so lets see who the hell wins now ok?
It’s so sad what’s happened to Jon & Kate’s
Back from yet another break. Now The Final three are sitting on a log and the out casts are off to the side and they are making small talk. Very very very small talk. How do you guys feel? What’s it like on the outside? Does that Janice smell ever go away?
No. It does not.
One by one they are asked stupid questions . Big Bloaty talks about wanting to catch a fish. They as Homely Holly & Heidious if the would’ve liked to have been in there together like the Bloated ones. What I want to know is what the hell kind of make up does Holly use?
That is some magical ass make up.
They ask Peppermint Patti what the real world is like.
Who cares? I just found out Costa Rica has no extradition treaty with the U.S.!
More filler. Sanjungleboy won 9 out of the 12 trials. Then they show a montage of men against woman and how badly the women sucked. Out of 13 trials the men won 10 of them. Oh goody now we get to see the “gourmet food” the final three got to eat last night.
Well now that’s just a sad little ensemble.
Torrie got a veggie pizza…yuck. John got a tofu burger..that’s just un American. And LaBamba got a real freakin meal with fried chicken and mashed potatoes!
That’s right, I’m eating something that used to have a FACE! Deal with it veggie boy!
They go around the table and yap about how important winning is to each of them. LaBamba says it’s for his kids. Torrie said its to show big tittied woman all over the place that they can still be strong, even with the back pain and scars from wearing the wrong bra for years. John wants to win because, well just because.
More flashbacking of the three from each outcast. Peppermint Patti wants some of that jungle dong so she doesn’t care whether John wins or not, she’s gonna hit that thang. Holly agrees. So does Big Bloaty. I think Big Bloaty would like a little LaBamba tail himself. Get in line and don’t be stingy. Now Big Bloaty thinks maybe Torrie could win. Hey Big Bloaty pick a hole already! Now he picks John. And Holly changes over to Papa Lou. Some others said other shit but I don’t care anymore. Let’s get to who gets sent home. Oh Jesus kill me now. Super Douche & Heidious have just announced that they think Super Douche will win.
Ren & Stimpy FINALLY decide they are going to lets us know which of the Three Stooges didn’t make the cut. But first they have to stall, stall and say a bunch of sappy shit. Blah blah blah 24 grueling days blah blah horrendous ordeals blah blah you all are winners blah blah except you John Salley. America has just given you the wet smeary fart of death vote.
That’s what ya get for eating tofu!
Awww sadness all around. Boo hoo. You are still a winner, just not here lol. Of course we then have to take a trip down John’s jungle journey. Type that really fast when you are drunk. Ahh, the good times, the bad times, that time he tapped Peppermint Patti behind Vomit Fruit Tree. Memories.
stalling tactic commercial break and we get to see who wins. No? More testimonials from the cast about each other. Love, hugs, connected forever and ever and ever. I’ll never forget you. I’ll love you and your honesty and strength and humor and PUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This show has made me evil. Oh no! Maybe the demons that were after Heidious and Super Douche have gotten me! Or maybe I’m just a bitch.
Binge and Purge are actually saying that it all ends now. Which we all know means more stalling and filler. It’s down to Torrie and LaBamba. Who will win? The sexy, strong, virile man who will be my next husband or Big Tata’d Torrie?
Ok America, you have a chance to redeem yourself. And by America I mean the 12 shut in’s who actually bothered to vote.
Puss and Boots tells us yet again all the shit we’ve heard a thousand times. But seriously, they are about to announce who is King or Queen of The Jungle.
Have you guys seen the movie Titanic? Go watch it and maybe when you get back they will announce the winner.
And the winner is………LaBamba! Janice is so excited that she hit the demerol drip button way too hard and had a seizure right on the bench!
And there you have it Gasmi devotees. LaBamba is indeed King of the Jungle!
Insert your own “I’d like to swing from his vine” joke, I’m in enough trouble!
Thanks to all you readers who stuck it out with this “special” show lol. And an absolutely huge ass loving hug and thanks to Medusa and L. Boogie for joining me in recapping this
Love and smooches to all,