We’re one episode away from finding out who will be crowned the King or Queen of the Jungle and boy am I relieved. I ended up enjoying the show in a weird way and I’ve become attached to Patti’s pigtails, Torrie’s nerdy glasses and Lou’s bare chest.
I’m not so attached to the third Mario Brother.
Since Janice, Spencer & Heidi are gone, the cast has started the episode off by recounting their most memorable moments. I knew that this show was going to be all conflict free and lovey dovey once the antagonists left. Patti’s favorite oment was floating down the river and talking to her children via Skype.
“How much money do I get everytime I say Skype?”
Sanjaya was excited when Holly came back to camp because we all know how much he likes girls. The rest of them shared some sappy crap about how much they have loved their experience and then…it’s the next morning. Lou announces that a toothpaste company has sent packages of a product that I will not name because I’m not getting paid. They are flavored toothbrushes that do not require water or rinsing which is perfect for the SECOND TO LAST DAY of filming. Does the cast even have teeth left at this point?
Stepfordian Myleene and Closeted Damien take up a little more of this hour long waste of primetime programming to tell us that all of the rejects will be back tomorrow night. As usual, Myleene just seems happy to be on TV and Damien looks like he’s ready to kill her.
“I could choke you with one hand.”
The celebrities have a food trial and the prize is…
A replica of John’s wang and a side of funky spunk?
“Yep, that’s mine.”
Ok, it’s really a big salad with a side of bread. I prefer my initial guess. The challenge that the cast has to complete is to slide along a rope which is suspended about a million feet in the air and grab flags along the way. The to celebrities with the quickest times will win the food. Each cast member is paired up except for Patti who’ll have to race against the clock. If the celebrity drops a flag they receive a 15 second penalty. John and Torrie go at the same time and he helps her along. He still wins though. Sanjaya and Lou face off and we learn a couple of things.
Sanjaya likes to be on top…
…and Lou is a flag biter.
Sanjaya wins that round. Patti went by herself but has to race against the clock. She dropped a flag and then another and then has to pull herself across the rope while dangling from it. She made it to the end but lost-badly. Sanjaya and Jon win the challenge with times of 1:58 and 2:10 respectively.
That night, the cast hands out awards to each other. Lou is named the entertainer, Patti is now a celebrity, Sanjaya is the eternal/infernal singer and Torrie is the not just a pretty face winner. Janice was given the most loogies/pain in the ass/liar/do you know who I (think I) am award.
Spencer was given the best spence-out award. Lou accepts on his behalf and gives a pretty accurate depiction of Spencer accepting his award. It includes gratuitous use of the word dawg and grandiose statements about him being in possession of a bilion dollar award. Pretty accurate and yes, Lou is still hot.
A Spence-out never looked so good.
Damien shows up a little later and announces that Lou and Torri are going to the final three. The next person leaving is Sanjaya. Awwwww. I’m a little sad because he is such a sweet kid. And now I’m over it. He does an interview with Myleene, says that he’s grown up because of this and he and Holly are just friends.
Would YOU wanna hook up with this future soccer mom?
And any guy who poses like this when he first meets you:
…wants to borrow your lip gloss, not have sex. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful beard. All of the celebritis share kind words to bid Sanjaya farewell and he starts crying again. Damien announces the next celebrity to go home and it’s Patti. She’s happy that she got to escape her problems for a while and is currently seeking political asylum in Costa Rica.
That’s all for now folks. Tomorrow night, the winner will be anounced and it’s the return of Janice & Speidi. This episode was a little lackluster but I’m hoping the rejects bring the crazy tomorrow. Until next season…buh-bye.