I’m a Celebrity: Sanjungle Love

It’s the beginning of the final week, week 4. The hosts provide a recap, but much like I am, they are really just polishing a turd. Let’s just move forward, shall we?

Last week Janice and Holly were eliminated, in a shocking *gasp* double elimination. Sanjaya is now heartbroken, he was GBFF with Holly, forming the wimpiest celebrity couple name yet, Sanjolly.

I love that Sanjaya has a GF. I will be delighted to see a union of the Montags and the Malakars. Imagine Mr. and Mrs. Montag try to Christmas shopping for the offspring of Spencer and the offspring of Sanjaya?

Mrs. Montag: If we get Sanjaya Jr. the jewel encrusted Dior sunglasses and Armani blazer he asked for, what should we get Spencer Jr.?
Mr. Montang: Probably the same exact thing.

Well, maybe that isn’t so difficult. But thanks for coming along for the ride.

Janice is eliminated over Patti that also makes Sanjaya sad.

He’ll be only one to miss her. John is happy that his platonic, please god, romance with Patti will go on and Janice will be gone. The jungle will be quiet, there will be extra helpings at dinner and they can stop trying to boil the creak to kill the super model super germs.

Stephen is starting to succumb to homesickness. Surprisingly enough, he doesn’t claim possession by the Devil, he just misses his family. However the hosts mention that a cast reunion will take place later in the week. So obviously, they will not be flying the blonde Baldwin back to Rocklin County just yet. In the truth, does he miss his family, or does he miss room service? According to more recent reports he really left because there were larvae growing under his skin.

Stephen says that he doesn’t have the same zeal to win. He’s been here longer than he’d thought he’d be. He’s ready to go. Stephen would like his fans to respect his departure. No worries, just call Pat Robertson, he’ll explain the whole thing on CBN, but make sure the check clears.

Lou got bit in the EYE during the night. It’s swollen and scary and Lou and John say he looks like some prize fighter I’ve never heard of, but based on entertainment news coverage of many boxers, I’d say he looks more like Mrs. Boxer on a regular basis.

Patti got bit on the ass. The bugs get any square inch of uncovered skin. Even skin that’s green with (Torrie and possibly Janice) envy. Not toxic.

John says the bugs found the finest ass in camp. I think that’s officially harassment in the workplace and I would like John fired. In one sentence John went from being the gentle giant of the camp to the creepy co-worker that holds eye contact for way too long and is inexplicably always returning from the bathroom.

During the storm the cast is stuck in the confessional. While sequestered and warding off boredom, they decide to make up a story. It’s basically about a banshee they are all acquainted with… they end the story by having “non-Janice” kidnapped and taken into custody of a rabid jungle creature doing God’s work or something like that.

John reads a newly delivered scroll, in line with their rule system based entirely the convenience of the producers, and he announces that an eliminated contestant will return to camp. The cast mates question if this means that all the eliminated contestants will be eligible to return? Even Daniel? Even Angela? Even The Bratts and their demon possessors?

The I’m a Celebrity cast mates don’t know what happens once they cross the bridge. Is it like the wardrobe in The Narnia Chronicles? Could they leave the jungle now, never to return to the same time? One week in the jungle could mean 1300 years past in the rest of the world. But this bunch probably will be just as relevant in 3309, as they are now. Meaning, not.

In fact, Janice is back, I think Cher’s going to lose her “comeback” title, because reality television has shown us that Janice Dickenstein can surely survive a nuclear holocaust with the cockroaches. Especially the ones she’s dated.

Janice comes back and tells them that she wants to be a team player, she asks them to help her help herself. They’ve become her family. She wants to prove that they’ve gotten through to her. Everyone felt that that was the “real Janice.” Personally, I think the speaker in Wendy’s drive thru lane is more endearing, but they seem to buy it.

Holly runs back in and Sanjungle runs to greet her. Holly says the camp can decide between her and Janice to return to the jungle. She was devastated when she was eliminated. She doesn’t want to be at a hotel, she wants to be in camp. This is also what Spencer convinces her of whenever they travel.

The camp has some time to mull over their two options. Will people love to learn Holly and will she be the big winner? The only thing Holly is in danger of winning is some Sanjungle love. Poor Holly is barely recognizable to the production staff, nevermind America. Hell, I’m sure her parents refer to her as “non-Heidi.”

Janice is by the river crying, she wants back in. She swears there will be a transformation if she’s allowed back to camp.

Unanimously Holly wins the vote and returns to camp. Janice is proud of who she is, even if no one wants her around and America wants her to spend time in a tank with crocs, she is who she is, but she knows she doesn’t have any BFFs there.

Holly’s super excited to be back. I think Holly would be super excited over a slinky. She seems like that new girl in the office that gets really excited over pink highlighters and free pizza Friday. Little does she know that her salary is paid only in pink highlighters and free pizza.

Holly brings out the best in Sanjaya, as opposed to Country week on American Idol. That did not bring out the best in Sanjaya. *shudder* Holly says that this time she’s not leaving with any regrets. Sanjolly falls are back in their hammocked love nest immediately. Finally Sanjaya says that he wouldn’t stop it if something were to happen.

Sanjolly even has a young love, Fast Times at Ridgemont High inspired moment in the creek, after they dare each other to go into the water. Naturally Holly cannot turn down a request from this man…

Time for another food trial, and since the teams have been eliminated, every trial is an individual trial, and this time the winner gets a cheeseburger.

All they have to do to earn a treat you can get yourself with 99 and a super value menu is let gross stuff crawl on your face. Let’s hope this is at least an In-N-Out burger.

I won’t go down the list of the grossness, it all creatures we’ve seen before on this show. Or have had the boys in our 3rd grade class hold near our faces just to see us scream.

When its John’s turn he complains that he has a cramp in his butt. Weird, me too! But only since this show has premiered. It seems to be the most persistent Monday-Thursday around 8pm.

In the first round of pairings Holly wins over Patti, Sanjaya beats John and his butt cramp, and LaBamba bests Torrie.

Finals are Holly vs. Sanjungle vs. LaBamba. And its tarantulas, the go-to grossness. Perfect for reality shows, thwarting burglars and causing me to ball up into fetal position.

Lou pushes through and with two tarantulas on his face, he wins.

Honestly, that better be an In-N-Out 4×4 animal style with a side of Apple stocks and a milk shake made of gold.

During the next segment the cast mates weigh themselves to see if they have lost any weight during their time in the jungle. In fact all of them have lost a considerable amount of weight, except for Torrie who has managed to gain 7 pounds.

As a luxury item, John Salley brought a camera. All the cast mates gather around and gaze into the camera that has documented their stay in the jungle. They are all nostalgic for the earlier days in the jungle–it has been a long journey since the first day… for all those involved, trust me. The cast mates feel they’ve learned a lot, however I’m convinced I’m dumber than ever for having to watch 2-hour episodes of this show. When my boss fires me for being unable to work a stapler I want a job in development at NBC, please and thank you.

It’s Father’s Day in the jungle, LaBamba is away from his children on Father’s Day for the first time in 11 years. That’s the benefit of working on straight to video releases and Sci-Fi mini-series they usually have a smaller production budget than an episode of How I Met Your Mother and don’t usually require much filming in Prague.

John Salley also misses his girls. Torrie announces that the daddies will be able to Skype their family back home. NBC would have scheduled these celebrities to be in the jungle over Christmas if they could have gotten Hallmark to sponsor it.

LaBamba gives a nice speech to wife #3 and baby #4. It sounds a bit rehearsed, but if we are supposed to believe that Patti Blagojevich is a celebrity, I’ll believe that LaBamba is a talented orator who came up with this little gem on the spot. He wants his girls to know, “they are the best thing he’s ever done and best thing he’ll ever be is their daddy.” It’s nice. I’m so touched that I won’t even direct you back to the Carny poster. Almost.

The celebrities then have another plea for donations to the misleadingly titled “I’m a Celebrity, Charity fund.”

Time for an elimination at the Last Chance Saloon. Last week’s lowest vote-getters will be competing for their place in camp. It will be Holly vs. John Salley.

Sanjaya wants Holly to win and return, he says it will be more fun to fight Holly to the end.

Holly and John go 5 rounds drinking:
Blended grasshopper and crickets, Holly wins
Blended tarantula, Salley wins
Dung beetle daiquiri, Salley wins
Dead scorpion sunrise, Holly wins

In the fifth round, John secures his victory by drinking the Chili coolata.

Back at camp the war widows, Sanjaya and Patti, wait to see who will return. Patti takes a swipe at Holly and says, “John was here from the beginning.” Yep, she’s in politics alright.

Sanjaya is sad to lose Holly again, but it’s not an ending for them. Mercifully, just for us.