I’m A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here! Jungle Phlegm

It’s me again y’all. And it’s elimination day. I have a feeling I’m gonna be pissed off very soon so let’s just jump right into I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!

This show just kills me. As someone mentioned in the comments section, they spend more time telling you what just happened, what might happen, what’s coming up and what may or may not happen than they show actual new footage. Ok I’ll play. Gives my warped mind more time to make shit up. Like how I know for a FACT that just 30 seconds before this shot, Crappyshoes dress was pulled up over her head.

Ok so announcer dude is gonna catch us up on the shit that happened in the long long ago. You know, last night. Basically the girls suck. Boys win everything. Then the boys are given the option to save one of the girls from America’s vote of death and they choose Patti. Uh…..why? Janice and John had a fight over shampoo. And yes I understand that Janice can be a little, well, bitchy, but come on. Dude has NO HAIR!

Another bloated Baldwin waddled into the forest and Super Douche and Heidious want back in. Can we start the show now? Damien and Crappyshoes appear to basically tell lame jokes and remind us that the voting has closed and blah blah blah. Then Lamien says, “anyone remember Heidi and Spencer?” Well they want back in. Yeah we know. The announcer dude told us that 5 seconds ago. Sheesh.

They show Mr. & Mrs. Wad begging and praying to Jesus to be let back in. Crappyshoes tells them it shall be left to their jungle mates. Said jungle nuts then argue back and forth. Some say yes some say no. Then Big Bloated Baldwin says that if he had been shot down by his peers every time he made a mistake he wouldn’t be sitting here now.

Bloaty further says they could give them boundries and rules. Hahahaha! DUDE! You can’t follow rules and you want to make someone else do it? As LaBamba points out, Super Douche has made it clear he wants to be the villain and he doesn’t want to send the message that what they did was ok. And he said a lot of other stuff that probably made sense but suddenly I can’t concentrate too well.

Me also thinks that if the husband reads this me arse is in trouble. Oh well I’ll just point out that I know where his stash of porn is and he’ll shut it. Ok he doesn’t have have a stash of porn. (yes he does) I just made that up. (I so did not)

Back to the show. Janice tries to apply the Bible to the situation, which is kinda like putting a band aid on a severed leg. Someone else points out that these idiots have been gone 2 days and that means they ate, did unspeakable acts that I refuse to imagine, and if they come back they will be taking up space from someone who actually deserves to be there. And someone might be sent home who shouldn’t be.

Lamien and Crappyshoes are back to tell us that the camp is all a twitter about the new dude. You remember, Big Bloaty. And they imply that he’s good looking. Before we get to the jungle nuts loving Daniel, I must ask a question. Why do people think these Baldwin dudes are so good looking? Ok YEARS ago Alec was fine. Have you seen him lately? He has the Baldwin Bloat and then some. Steven looks like a cartoon character and Daniel, well, look at him. Not sexy. And I know there’s another one out there but I’m pretty sure they ate him years ago. Rant over for now.

Anywhoodles, the other jungle people just love Big Bloaty. He’s willing to work like a dog and he’s polite and helpful. Janice thinks he’s the best thing since crack.

Then they re-show Baby Bloated’s reaction to Big Bloaty arriving and we see this little scene of the two of them playing. Adorable.

Oh my dear sweet Jesus, something has just happened. Something so foul. So disgusting. So unbelievably WRONG! No, not Mr. & Mrs. Wad coming back. It’s Janice. OMG! I can’t look. I can’t listen and that’s going to make recapping terribly hard for me. People, she is making these horrifying, gut wrenching, old man noises and then SPITTING WADS OF SNOT ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Everyone is as disgusted as I am. Well maybe not because no one has thrown her unbelievably gross ass in the river yet but these two have a theory. Frick and Frack think Super Douche put a Spencer Pod in her and a rude 20 something year old is going to burst from her chest. They also think it could be stuff from her Studio 54 days. She spits everywhere and people are walking barefoot and I am two steps from death if these noises don’t stop.

The phlegm montage goes on and on. Has a recapper ever quit in the middle of an episode? I am about to pull a Mr. & Mrs. Wad over here. I’m too civilized for this shit.

Oh God it won’t stop. Nasty bitch. Ok you are sick. We get it. Now go behind a tree and muffle that shit. Torrie tries to be polite about it and Janice screeches “We are camping Torrie. Did you noticed? They bleepity bleep bleep outside and they spew loogies.” Ok I was a Girl Scout (shut up) and I have also been camping when I reached adulthood. I must have blocked out the part where you contaminate the rain forest with some horrifying germiness that scientists have yet to discover an antibiotic for.

Frick and Frack explain that the people who “habitate” this area would make Janice go away. And then they offer that when you are sick at home you don’t just spit shit off the side of your bed. Ha! I bet Janice does.

One more shot and the please let it be over. Oh by the way, she says she has bronchitis. Don’t people cough when they have bronchitis? She hasn’t coughed once. She just spews. I think it’s just silicone leaking from the thousands of pints they have injected over the last 100 years.

Finally Lamien and Crappyshoes appear to say some bullshit and remind us we can rewatch this nightmare on blah blah blah. Crappyshoes claims “I’ll be watching!” No you won’t. Shut the hell up and go away.

Scroll time! They have to select 2 people from each team for today’s food trial. LaBamba is reading this so again I’m having issues concentrating but he says something about “on your knees” and “brains and brawn”.

So Torrie and Patti agree immediately to do it saving Janice the whole “I am so sick hack hack cat strangling I am so sick” noisy spewfest . The guys choose John and Big Bloaty. LaBamba falls a couple notches in my book when he explains that the scroll said brains and brawn and both guys have that covered. John maybe, but Big Bloaty ain’t brawny and he damn sure don’t look too brainy. And yes I just said ain’t when accusing someone else of being less than bright. I like the word. Sue me.

Janice decides that Patti is very competitive. And that it’s the only way to make it in life. And she says “Right Frangelica?”

Baby Baldwin says they are great at competitive napping. Shut up and put your shirt on. Its against the law to be that puffy and white and shirtless. The girls take off for the challenge with Frick and Frack yelling encouragement. This is the one. They are going to win. I’m positive. Just you wait and see.

Lamien and Crappyshoes say a bunch of nonsense and crap and then they reveal what food they will be playing for. A delightful, delicious, wonderous hearty meal!

Are you kidding me? How freakin low budget is this show? I wouldn’t get off my cot for some damn mushrooms and tomatoes! This is what the WINNER gets? What does the looser eat? Sanjungleboy? Where the hell is he anyway? Oh yeah they eat rice and beans.

After John has an orgasm over the fungus feast, Lamien tells them this challenge is called “On Your Knees”. One person from each team will race through the “swamp” to the other side, grab a piece of puzzle cube, drag it back under an ever lowering grid that looks like it came straight from Gilligan’s Island, place the soggy mess on a mat and tap their partner and then they do the same. After they have all this shit to that side, they put the puzzle together. First one to solve it wins.

John has a plan. It’s to win. End of plan. He goes to shake Torrie’s hand and she acts like she’s going to but does the fifth grade rub your hand on the side of your head thing instead. What’s that called? Oh yeah, dorky. Big Bloaty starts mumbling about her being cold blooded and then finally they’re off. To a commercial. Then Lamien and Crappyshoes come back to remind us that this is for CHARITY!

It’s dirty and nasty and if you’ve ever had sandy mud in your bits and pieces you know it has to be highly uncomfortable. The grid gets lower and the spongy puzzle pieces are soaking up the water and I am laughing my ass off. The girls are trying hard but soon fall behind.

Yep. The boys win again. And John is so humble about it. He says “Yeah! Are ya hungry? You should stay that way!” Normally this would irritate me but I’m feeling evil tonight so instead I giggle like a 13 year old boy. Then Big Bloaty says “This is the thrill of victory, the agony of no eat.” Now I’m irritated again.

Back at camp they tell their sad tale. Torrie tells us she’s feeling kinda defeated right now. Yeah. That’s what happens win you constantly lose. Then Big Bloaty starts talking about how the girls were neck and neck with them right until the end. Frick or Frack claps her hands and says “That’s great” like you would for a 2 year old who took a poop on the big boy potty. John chimes in and talks about Torrie and Patti being the best competitors out there.

John tells us that Frick and Frack or Janice have got to go. Leave my Frick and Frack alone dammit. Send Janice and her toxic sludge factory lungs packing. Lamien and Crappyshoes come back to announce how shocked they were the girls didn’t win. And to tell us some crap about how America gets to pick who goes head to head in the next food challenge. This is probably unnecessary information for you readers but there you have it. Go to NBC.com to vote. Or don’t. I don’t care.

Back at camp people notice they are missing things. Frick says her hair pick from her kit is missing. Actually the whole kit is. And she tells us there is talk of a jungle thief. She spends lots of time trying to locate her missing kit and asking others about it as well. No one has seen it. She is frantically looking for it to no avail.

She finally decides to look in Janice’s bag and there it is. Janice all the while never said a word. Frick is highly pissed and Baby Baldwin, shirtless and whiter than rice, says sternly, “She’ll just take whatever!” All the while Janice is losing way too much silicone and will be nothing more than bones and a skin suit soon.

Torrie’s missing a pair of undies, hair ties and a towel. Frick wants to play frisk Janice and she wonders if maybe Janice just accidentally did it or she’s a kleptomaniac. I think you know my vote. Oh hell. As the sun goes down John finds his pillow missing. Gee I wonder where it could be? John looks down and sees Janice with her big greasy head laying on 3 mattresses and HIS pillow.

Frack tells us that Janice is starting to basically drive people insane. Then Patti sits beside John to tell him a long boring story about her husband working with a hideous woman who he decided he would just look at as a crazy old aunt. And her point is, that’s Janice.

Lamien and now Crappyboots come back. Again. To tell us that someone is leaving and yet no one wants to.

Janice tells us that if she is the first person voted out she will be really deeply deeply depressed. Much like her face. Which looks depressed no matter what she’s doing.

Torrie will be sad and Frack says that losing one of these women is sad to her. So basically, anyone who goes will be….sad. Cut to a montage of all four saying things like “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” and “I’ve learned so much about myself.” Holy crap ladies, get a grip. You’re on a set in a jungle with a film crew. You weren’t stranded on a desert island for years where you had to save drowning children from great white sharks. Take it down a notch.

Janice blathers on about how she would’ve liked to have done more challenges. Who was stopping you? Satan? Oh good grief now they are talking about how the experience has bonded them all for life and they show hugging and love and happiness and HORSESHIT. Botttom line. No one wants to go home. I think we’ve covered that about three times now so can we please send some damn body home now?

Lamien and Crappyfootwear stumble through the bushes to fuck with the jungle nuts. How are you feeling? Fine and you? OY! Lamien asks LaBamba who he would miss the most and he lies like a son of a bitch and says he’d miss them all.

Holy shit there’s Sanjungleboy! He’s still alive! I don’t think he’s spoken this entire episode has he? He says he’s ben in the jungle all his life so this nothing. OK.

Lamien asks Baby Baldwin how it’s been having Big Bloaty along. Baby Baldwin starts speaking in tongues. No on further review I think he was saying his kids names. Can’t be sure. Either way Big Bloaty called it “whack”. It’s been fun. What ever.

Crappyfootwear tells us AGAIN one of them will be leaving and blah blah blah. And then Lamien names each one of them and announces one of them will be going home. WTF? Who scripted this shit? Who ever it is I suggest they visit a short term memory loss clinic pronto. Sheesh, finally Crappyfootwear announces that Janice….is SAFE!

Janice is shocked. And then she thanks Nathan, Savy and the gay nation. Ya know I don’t know a lot about the gay nation, but I’m pretty sure that they find phlegm just as disgusting as I do. To be blunt, I just can’t root for a phlegmy klepto.

Lamien then tells Torrie she might be going home this week.

Torrie lets out a scream. Frack is safe. That means Torrie or Frick will be leaving. Then Crappyfootwear repeats that shit and says they’ll find out who later. Janice does her crack dance of happiness while chanting “Bye Nathan. Bye Savy. ” over and over.

Lamien and Crappyshoes walk three feet away to enlighten us as to what just happened. Am I in that fucking Groundhog Day movie? They go to commercial come back and repeat the whole Super Douche and Heidious want back in shit. Yeah we know. And they show more footage of the other jungle nuts trying to decide whether they will or will not allow them back. Big Bloaty says this. “There’s a lot of trepidation right now in camp, due to Heidi and Spencer. The ramifications for having this young man and this young woman back on the show could be quite devastating.”

He then laughs at the thought of them staying the night in the “House of Torture.” Frack says Super Douche will go running out of that house like a crying bitch. I love her. Baby Baldwin says he thinks he will be a changed man and Janice tells him to shut it because the “Angela’s” don’t want them here. Big Bloaty says “I’m just going to walk him down by the river and splain some things to him.” Hold up big boy, this ain’t Deliverance. Cut to “The House of Torture” where Heidious is frantically praying to Jesus to get them through this.

They have one last feast as a group. You know the fungus and tomatoes. And baby Baldwin starts singing and I wish he’d stop. John tells us that Mr. & Mrs. Wad have made them really unite. Poor little Sanjungleboy is sad and says they have become a family. Uh huh. The producers are putting happy pills in their drinking water or Janice spit in the fire and the drug remnants are causing second hand tripping.

On and on John rambles about who is who in the group until he gets to Baby Baldwin who he calls “the white hip hop kid.” Man hip hop must have changed. Drastically. Overnight. Everybody’s all wah wah wah I’ll miss everyone love hugs forever and ever. FINALLY, Lamien and Crappy walk into the camp and Janice shouts “I got bitten by a bullet ant today!” Guess what? The ant giggled, then promptly died.

Lamien sighs and says “This is big. America has voted, and the decision, boy this is tough, Torrie or Angela will be the first celebrity to leave the jungle.” OMFG! Ya don’t say? Who the hell saw that one coming? And as Crappy repeats what Lamien just said Big Bloaty is holding up a picture.

They finally run out of ways to repeat themselves and announce Angela is going home. BOO AMERICA! What the hell is Frick going to do without Frack? That’s just rude.

These two useless idiots remind us that Angela has been voted out. Then they remind us of what they reminded us of earlier about voting for who you want to go head to head with each other. And we have to wait until Monday to find out if Super Douche and Heidious are allowed back in. Medusa will be taking you through Monday’s two hour event.

Until next time, has anyone noticed that Patti pulls her ear like Carol Burnett every time she sees a camera and is constantly swatting at her limp ass hair? Discuss.

Love and smooches,
Cherie