I’m a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here!: Return of the Speidi

And since all business men seek to establish themselves as erratic, egotistical, vindictive, flaky and shortsighted, you’re doing great.

C. Heidi you have been the minor annoyance compared to your husband, but I do have to say one thing to you–dry shampoo? It’s powder in a can Heidi, not a force field. Lay off. I don’t know how the Costa Rican jungle will survive rampant deforestation and you.

Phew. Okay, on to episode three.

Our hosts Damien and My…leene? Myla? Mya? My God I don’t care. I’m just going to call them “hosts.” They’re virtually indistinguishable from every other MTV personality one spring break past their peak. NBC, if you want me to tune into another season, please consider Ben Vereen as Mayor Ben of Zoobilee Zoo to host this show. The timeline, casting and Spencer’s facial hair are all totally absurd, why should the hosting choice be anything less?

The hosts remind us that Sanjaya won the immunity challenge, thereby saving the men’s team from elimination. In turn, the men are able to save Patti. Up for elimination are Frangela (both halves), Torrie and Janice Dickinstein. The hosts also remind us that a new cast mate will arrive as one is eliminated tomorrow. Now it’s time to rejoin the celebrities in the jungle as they are wake to start a new day…

It is a serene morning in the jungle. Angela mentions that waking up without the presence of the brat Pratts is like “a rainbow in your heart.” And I would venture, a song for your soul, a Midol for your blindingly intense ass cramp.

Janice is one of the first ones up, because you’re never be able to grab much quality sleep after your plastic surgeon has sewn your eyelids to your hairline, and she’s getting ready for the day. Her slight figure can’t muster much more than the weight of her crack pipe, so she is unable to control the water bucket and spills water into John Salley’s boots.

John Salley, the gentle giant of the tribe, is not thrilled to find the party foul in his shoe. Group leader LaBamba tries to mediate an apology, but Janice only manages, “if I did I’m sorry.” Ugh, grow up Janice, if someone did this to you, you’d throw a supermodel superfit and pee in their canteen in their sleep.

Tensions are still high when Salley asks to borrow Janice’s shampoo. Janice basically tells the bald man not to use it all. At this point Salleyboy has had enough of Janice’s selfishness and he snaps and calls Janice a litany of names. I had to watch it a couple more times to put together what he said, but it is tantamount to “Janice, I find you unpleasant.”

Dickinstein will not be spoken to that way. Y’know, the way she speaks to other people? She’d “rather work with the homeless or for charity then be spoken to in that tone.” Isn’t that what you’re doing here? Basically homeless in the jungle, working for charity? See this is why you are all Z-List celebrities; you are incapable of staying on task and in character.

After a pow-wow with Stephen Baldwin and LaBamba, Salley decides to apologize. He approaches Janice, sincerely apologizes, but Janice ignores his pleas and Salley ends up crying to the camera.

We’re back from break and we’re treated to a reminder of how Spencer and Heidi Bratt left the Jungle. And, lucky us, we get a teaser of their return. Honestly, these two are exhausting. It’s like babysitting a couple of 3rd graders who read at a kindergarten level. Y’know? Like having to play hide and go seek with the two brats. You obviously see through their ruse but have to play along, because the game will never end until they think they’ve won. Spencer you were there all along? Oh really, well you fooled us. Got us good that time. What a great game! Time for a snack, fruit snacks for you, Grey Goose for me.

It’s time for another food trial. So far the men are undefeated. Every single game is a “touch something gross” game. So as far as I’m concerned the women really have no excuse for their losing streak. Janice Dickinstein dated Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone, Patti has to have daily interaction with her husband’s toupee… shouldn’t they be spearheading some victories for the women? C’mon ladies.

This time it’s a Rocky Horror food trial. Once again Janice is sick and not participating, but if this trial has anything to do with looking like a sweet transvestite, I don’t know how Janice isn’t leading the charge.

The celebrities arrive at a rock wall with cubbies containing gross stuff. In each tank is a star, which the celebrities have to retrieve. However the stars are guarded by creepy-crawly things and may be secured to the tank, so they must figure out how to retrieve their star first.

Salley takes on Frances in the first round and sticks his hand into a tank containing tarantulas to retrieve the star and earns the first point for his team.

Next up is Torrie vs. Lou. They both stick their hands into the cubbies containing rats– apparently flesh eating rats.

Jungle sludge and flesh eating rats? I am now convinced that the six-fingered man, Count Tyrone Rugen from the Princess Bride must be designing these stunts. Maybe the Albino is the consultant on hand during these challenges. The Lightning Sand challenge followed by the Pit of Despair must be scheduled for next week.

Torrie doesn’t make another attempt to retrieve her star after getting bitten on her first attempt. LaBamba sticks it out and braves several rat bites to earn the point.

I like LaBamba, but I really feel bad that he’s taking this game so seriously. I think don’t think it’s wise to risk your health in any way while in the Costa Rican Jungle. You can easily get an open wound infected by any creature or Baldwin lurking about.

Patti earns the first point for the girls and then Stephen Baldwin beats Angela by pulling a star out of cow dung and earthworms first. I credit years of studying how Alec evades the Massapequa Christmas that teaches Stephen how to separate a star from a shit heap so deftly.

Salley secures the men’s victory by retrieving his star from a tank of toads before Frances. Boys win.

The men remind us that the female celebrities are stuck with beans for dinner. Do they really need to remind us that celebrities of this caliber will be eating beans for dinner? I assume a large portion of the former-celebrity population is doing anyway. Where’s Richard Grieco these days? I don’t know, I’m guess he’s somewhere eating beans from a can. Am I wrong?

Janice is back at camp where she has changed into a hospital gown from the Dr. Livingstone collection.

The world’s first supermodel I presume?

Once again Sally apologizes to Janice and because she’s really classy and elegant, she rolls her eyes and refuses to look at him. The rest of the camp is really proud that Salley faced his fear of spiders and supermodels.

LaBamba returns to camp and resumes monologuing about how the campers are like a family when Stephen touches a hot pan. Burn! Then discovers Bullet Ants in camp. Burn! Stephen has not recovered from his wounds when brother Daniel emerges from the shadows. Double Burn!

However, upon laying eyes on the new castmate, Janice is in love. She comments that, “they always have a hot back-up.” So they literally must have run through a list of potential back-ups 10 feet long before they settled for Daniel. Christ, they must have been turned down by both Bacons, four Arquettes and Billy Baldwin plus Wilson Phillips before offering the spot to Dan.

So now we have Stephen and Daniel Baldwin and Lou Diamond Phillips around the fire. Is this a legit camp site or 1992 straight to video release? If someone can retrieve Emilio Estevez from Charlie Sheen’s couch, we can pull together Young Guns 3: The Legend of Keifer’s Gold.

After the break it’s… ugh, these two fools again. Heidi and Spencer are back. The Devil got to them and they took the experience for granted. Spencer says he loves his fellow celebrity campers and he’s here for good this time. Waaa waaa waaa. I don’t know what’s more transparent, Spencer’s evil plots or his beard.

So… They the gauntlet gets thrown down. The Bratts will be allowed back if they spend the night in the lost chamber and if their fellow celebrities agree.

Fortunately, that’s all we have time for.

How will the producer bribe the cast mates to let the brat Bratts back into camp? Money, food, a date with Daniel Baldwin?