I’m A Celebrity…: Rapture Me Out of Here!

Thank you for joining me for another episode of I’m a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here! I hope to make this easier for you than NBC made it for me. You’re going down for this one Silverman. You’re officially on my broadcast television shit list after David Caruso, the cast of “Gossip Girl” and whoever made the decision to cancel “My So-Called Life.”

As we join the rumble in the jungle, hosts XX and XY are on hand to pummel the viewing audience with recaps of last week’s episodes. It’s the twisty-turny tale of 9 celebrities plus ULTRA SPECIAL REALITY CELEBRITIES, Heidi and Spencer. And as if it really needs to be repeated, the Bratts have quit and returned more times than Michael Jordan, with 2% of the charisma and 0% of the fan demand.

In Costa Rica the Bratts have been left to atone for their devilish antics–if they can spend the entire night in the lost chamber, they have a chance to return to the game.

While Spencer and Heidi are banished to the lost chamber, the celebrities back at camp are left to decide whether or not they should allow the spoiled young’ns to return to the game. Leader LaBamba sums up the situation nicely, “I don’t think American wants them to win, but I think America does want them to suffer.” Yes, Lou. Exactly. Now if you could only focus your insights on to picking relevant acting roles, we’ll see what we can do about getting you out of the reality TV game and back to lip syncing some good mariachi.

Heidi and Spencer enter the shack that looks about as scary as the bathrooms at Girl Scout camp and try to settle themselves in for the night. They are examining the different species of bugs that inhabit the shack and are debating whether or not they’re poisonous.

To survive the night, Heidi and Spencer pray–like a lot, like Kirk Cameron a lot. We’re actually treated to some entertaining night-cam footage of Heidi and Spencer jumping at the sound of every creak.

Recently, I read that the crew took it upon themselves to mess with the Bratts by dragging an acorn across the ground with fishing line.

The camp decides that they will indeed allow the Bratts back, if they last the night in the lost chamber. And in fact, the Bratts do survive the night in the infested port-a-potty and hike back to camp.

Of course Janice is the only one really excited to see them and she lets Spencer know that she is the only one that wanted them back. In actuality it wasn’t just Janice and Jesus on their side, there was a vote and for some god awful reason the camp consented to their return.

Spencer wastes no time with hellos and jumps in to the tale of woe he and his bride suffered after they left camp. Upon leaving, they weren’t sure they had made the right decision, so “just like a fairytale,” they go down to the creek to pray on it. Heidi began reading the Bible and Spencer fell ill. He was sweating and vomiting. Spencer, that’s how I feel when I hear Heidi’s voice too!

**Side note: There are so many jokes to be made here. I’m overwhelmed. A few more options are included below and please feel welcome to contribute your own:

Heidi began reading the bible and Spencer fell ill…

-Spencer, that’s actually your gag reflex from people shoving religion down your throat.
-Was she reading the Bible or a transcript from the show?
-Was she reading the Bible or singing her latest single?
-It wasn’t the Bible reading, it was seeing your own reflection in the water.
-It wasn’t the Bible reading, it was a hangover from Janice’s fumes.
-It wasn’t the Bible reading, it’s the onset of the E. coli infection you contracted from having your head wedged so far up your own ass.

Oh damn, I should have used the “head up your own ass” one.**

The reformed Bratts settle back into camp and Heidi starts talking to Sanjaya about pop superstardom. It’s basically like listening to George Bush and Sarah Palin have a discussion about the Nobel Peace Prize. Fools.

Heidi can’t wait until Sanjaya and Janice and THE WHOLE WORLD hears her album. She sings a bit of her “rock song” for the campers. Do I even have to say it? It’s horrible.

Janice is not impressed, she tells Heidi she sounds like a drowning cat and then defends her comments by insisting they were just constructive criticism. That’s what she does, that’s how she shows love.

She goes on to say Heidi is “as pretty as Tinkerbell, but Tinkerbell can’t sing.” True, but Tinkerbell has a very specific skill set that I wouldn’t credit Heidi with either, and I wouldn’t depend on an audience to clap loud enough to save Heidi’s life. After she performs her first concert, I would imagine the response isn’t loud enough to activate the Clapper.

Spencer addresses Janice and calmly tells her that her comments were hurtful and everyone in camp is super impressed with Spencer’s use of restraint. Wow. I don’t know why monks spend so much time in quiet prayer and personal reflection, when Heidi and Spencer can master religious enlightenment in one night. Superstars!

Janice apologizes to Heidi… even though she’s totally right. I’ve seen more talented people escorted off the N train by the MTA. Heidi accepts her apology and Spencer congratulates himself for wearing his big-boy pants to camp today.

After the raucous return of the Bratts, we learn that Frances is unhappy. Her better half, Angela, was eliminated by popular vote in week one and Frances can’t adjust to being at camp alone. Everyone is sad to see her go, but they understand. Everyone loves her and everyone will miss her. Dickenstein loves her so much she manages to call her Francine a couple times before she departs.

That night, around the fire Heidi is conspicuously not-working and instead telling the camp about how the previous night was the worst night of their lifes. Lifes. She said lifes. Ugh, the SAT’s couldn’t have been a great 6 hours for you either.

Heidi says that she had a very humble upbringing, she couldn’t afford Ramen! She only wanted to be a missionary. Sanjungle listens politely, but admits in the confessional that he is starting to get fed up with haughty Heidi.

Heidi is starting to feel ill and in line with 6th century medical techniques, they pray that the demons leave her.

I’m not saying there is not a psychological/spiritual aspect to physical illness, but at some point, even the Pope just takes an aspirin.

The next day, Spencer is in a great mood, like a southern baptist tent revival great mood. He’s ranting abouting what a great new Chrisitan he is. He’s decided to start a spiritual fast. Spencer challenges himself to fight evil by taking the time to think before he speaks. That’s not fighting evil, that’s a functional super-ego. If we’re going to congratulate Spencer for this, I really think we need to start issuing medals of honor to everyone who has ever met Spencer Pratt and not punched him the neck.

Stephen says that Spencer has a “bit of a religious hemorrhoid today.” I think he meant hemorrhage, but I’m also assuming Stephen Baldwin has a bit of an intellectual handicap from spending time on set with Paulie Shore, so I’ll give him a pass.

Daniel doesn’t believe Spencer’s transformation is sincere. Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors, please spare me the shame of admitting that I agree with Daniel Baldwin. Amen.

The participants in the next food trial, “Flash Flood” were determined by America’s vote and America decided they want Sanjungle compete against… Janice. I don’t understand you America, you’re really attracted to the crazy chicks, aren’t you? You’re sick.

“Flash Flood” will put the contestants in chains and in a water tank and of course, some gross stuff will be dumped in there for good measure. Sanjungle is up first and the water rises quickly.

Frogs, snakes and baby crocodiles are released into the tank, but ‘Jaya of the Jungle is the ever adept wilderness boy and he barely flinches. Sanjaya completes the task in 3 minutes and 12 seconds.

The challenge is quite terrifying to look at, it’s like all the plagues of Egypt in one … rising water, swarms of frogs. If hail started to rain down in the Costa Rican jungle even I would sign up to be baptized by Stephen Baldwin.

Janice is up for the women’s team. As usual Janice is all talk and when she gets her turn in the tank she bails after the baby crocs are released. Ladies lose again and the men will be eating lobster tonight.

Back at camp Daniel taunts the malnourished supermodel about losing another trial. Dickenstein is not in the mood to take a joke, ever, and snaps back at Daniel. Janice has bronchitis and now she’s haunted by the memories of the “Flash Flood” food trial.

She calls Sanjaya to her bedside to comfort her. Sanjungle is really sweet to Janice and stays by her bed until she regains her composure. It’s just another benefit of being a wilderness and a pop superstar, the sound of his voice can soothe the most heinous beasts.

We learn that ‘Jaya of the Jungle has actually has limitless wilderness skills. He can make ink and weave rope, he actually fashioned a broom so he could sweep… the dirt. It’s really quite adorable.

The Bratts haven’t been the focus of attention in 25 seconds, so we learn that Heidi is sick and vomiting. Her campmates tell us that she hasn’t been eating or drinking enough water since she’s been at camp, so of course she sick. Her virile protector didn’t warn her that fasts lead to a weakened immune system and that you should keep your immune system strong when you’re in the middle of the jungle? Seriously, you don’t need Special Forces training to know this. So they’re gone. For now. Good riddance.

LaBamba’s reign as camp leader is over and a new leader will be selected by another visit to “Jungle Joe’s Buffet,” because this is really clever concept and it never gets old. That’s why Fear Factor is still on TV and Joe Rogan has an Emmy… oh, wait…

I’ll spare you all the details since it hasn’t even been a week since NBC last made them all eat gross stuff. The celebrities are split into two teams and they will compete in three rounds of play. On team one, only ‘Jaya of the Jungle completes the first round, but bails out of round 2. On team two, Daniel and Lou make it through the first round by consuming a fist full of leaf-cutter ants and are automatically in the finals.

Daniel and Lou face-off for the throne in the last round, where they are challenged to eat a stick insect and a cow tongue. LaBamba can’t eat the bug. Daniel does, but he doesn’t attempt to eat the cow tongue.

Daniel really wants to win control of the camp, mainly so it can reassign the chores and force Janice to participate. Daniel reasons that since he lasted longer than any other contestant and he should win. However the host are sticklers and since Daniel did not finish his portion, he does not win.

Since there is no winner, Daniel proposes that LaBamba remains leader. This completely made-up rule is cool with the judges so LaBamba reigns for another week. Daniel is in Lou’s ear as soon as they get back to camp, bitching about Dickenstein. Lou agrees that she doesn’t pull her own weight, and he assigns Janice to the wash dishes.

Around the fire the celebrities share the charities they have choose to compete for. I think this is a little late to cover, but we haven’t had a break in Speidi or Janice pity parties long enough to cover all this information.

Several of the celebrities are playing for children’s charities and Daniel plans to donate his winnings to his mother’s breast cancer foundation. Janice has set up a foundation that provides psychological counseling for all the women who have dated Charlie Sheen and she fighting hard for those poor girls.

The camp receives news that Heidi and Spencer will not be returning. I really am in pain that I have to type ‘Heidi and Spencer’ again. I’m done.

Time for the immunity challenge, this one is an individual challenge. NBC has totally given up on trying to be innovative and they’re just going to let them all hang from a lighting rig until all but one person drops into the water. Unfortunately we don’t have time to see how it ends… but I’m going to say with a loss of dignity for everyone but Sanjaya.

In the previews of the next episode we learn that another new cast member will join the camp. And it’s Heidi’s sister, Holly Montag. Apparently Daniel Baldwin will be the first to rip into the girl for riding the family coattails to stardom.

Well isn’t that the latrine pot calling the kettle black? Daniel, wouldn’t it be wiser to get Holly in on a sibling act? Maybe call and enlist Frank Stallone and try to pitch a show to NBC. You know they have nothing else…