I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here: The Janice Chronicles

I didn’t even turn to NBC until 8:10 ET becuase I figured they’d be showing clips from the last episode for the first 45 minutes or so. Imagine my surprise when I turned to the show and the action had already started. Damien and Myleene start off the show and Damien can’t even get his first word out. I thought that maybe the two of them were doin’ it but now I just think he’s a drunk and she’s an enabler. She’s always wearing some Stepford wife dress which is completely inappropriate for the jungle. And he’s always looking at her with misplaced aggression.

Damien: Why don’t you shut up and cook me a steak, woman?

Myleene: Ooh, someone’s a wee cranky.

I totally mispelled Myleene’s name the first time around. I assumed it was something normal like Marlene so I never checked the spelling. I live in the hood and all but I can’t keep up with these new-fangled names. What happened to good old-fashioned names like Betty Lou, Mary, Raheem?

Anyname, we catch up with the cast who are hanging from a bar. The last person left hanging will be immune to elimination. Janice doesn’t partcipate due to doctor’s orders.

“My doctor said it could stretch out my underarm tuck.”

Patti’s out first after 2 minutes or so and Daniel Baldwin goes next because he has back problems. John Salle’s feet are already in the muddy water because he’s so tall. If he had on some high heels he could just stand on his toes and win this! However, John packed lightly and he goes next. Stephen Baldwin follows and Torrie, Lou and Sanjaya are the last three hanging. Torrie falls next and Sanjaya lets go because he feels that Lou should get immunity.

After the challenge, Torrie tells Daniel that she’s fed up with the fact that Janice is fine all day but then she’s too sick to do the challenges. Daniel tells Torrie that when the food arrives, Janice is going to have a ton of energy. Since when does the world’s first supermodel get excited over food? I’m hoping that Daniel is wrong about this one. They’re hoping that she gets sent home but suspect that the next female to go will be Patti. The next morning, The cast is awakened by the howler monkeys’ howling and Daniel figures that it’s supposed to attract women because that’s how he got his wife.

Daniel “O Face” Baldwin

Sanjaya does what anyone else would do and howls back.

“I’ll do anything for a banana! Anything.”

Lou assigns Janice to wash the dishes and asks Sanjaya to be her assistant. He is not happy.

“Why do I have to play with Janice?”

Janice says that she hates doing dishes because she’s been famous since 1974. I’m guessing that that’s the last time she ever washed dishes because she still does it the old-fashioned way. She spits onto a plate, rubs it in and adds it to the pile of clean dishes. Seriously. That must be how big time celebrities like Janice and Popeye do it.

The “celebrity” replacing Speidi arrives and it’s Heidi’s sister, Holly. I think its hilarious that she’s a “celebrity” yet no one knew who she was. In all fairness, she didn’t know who any of them were either. She explains that she is qualified to be on this show because she’s Heidi’s older sister and the sister in law that Spencer hates. Good enough for me! They rerun this show on MTV over the weekends and earlier today I was wondering how they were going to keep that demographic without Speidi and I guess this is their lame ass attempt.

Janice immediately grabs onto Holly, the only person who doesn’t hate her yet, and the rest of the cast feels that Janice is using Holly. Lou takes Daniel to the side and says that Janice is a sycophant and leech. Damn Lou-all that hot body and big words.

Lou receives a scroll with the next mission on it. Two women and men will participate and they must have dexterity. Janice asks what that is and Lou explains that they have to be able to use their hands. Janice says she’s good with her hands so she’ll participate. They ask Holly if she’s good with her hands and she says yes.

“I’m actually pleasuring myself right now…”

“…with this finger.”

Lou and Daniel step up for the guy’s side. Both teams take turns talking crap and Janice yells at Daniel that when a supermodel puts on makeup, the whole world stops.

No, your plastic surgeon stops and prays that nothing falls off.

Damien and Myleen are back. Hooray. They explain that one team member will have to pull a star out of a hole in a tree trunk. Like the game Operation, the member pulling the star out of the hole can not touch the inside of the hole with the instruments. If the inside of the hole is touched, their team memeber will be shocked. The reward is hot dogs and chips. Janice sniffs the food and Lou says that he doesn’t want Janice germs on his food. Her only response is, “I only smelled it.” I’m glad that even she knows that’s the extent of anything she should do with any object that is or was ever living.

Holly goes through the trial first and gets four stars out of the hole. Lou goes next and gets four stars out as well. They have a tie breaker in which they each have to remove a star from the hole. Whoever does it the fastest is the winner. Holly wins! The women have finally won their own food but never fear; Janice will still find a way to be a selfish jerk.

I missed a couple of minutes of this because I was googling Lou’s marital status. He’s married but was arrested a few years ago on a domestic violence charge. I vaguely remember that and amazingly I’m stil not turned off. They take a commercial break and when they come back, Patti and John are talking about her “situation.” She explains that she and her husband were so modest that they didn’t move into the state house that had 35 rooms, butlers and chefs. She claims that people took this modesty as a slight. She goes onto explain that people who they thought were friends voted to impeach her husband. If I recall correctly, the evidence against her hubby is almost indisputable so maybe they were just doing the right thing.

John and Patti’s burgeoning romance is the only remotely exciting thing about this show now. John is hoping that they’ll have a future if her hubby gets sent up the creek.

In other words, can I show you my cock?

I don’t dislike Patti at all but are we to really believe that she and her husband did NOTHING wrong? And she’s wearing the little girl pigtails to boot. I think she’s going to keep getting a pass off of her sympathy votes. The women’s dinner is sent to them and they have hot dogs and chips. Holly is really excited but she just got there that day so she probably had better food on the airport. Janice ate seconds, thirds and fourths and Daniel is really pissed. It doesn’t help that Janice looks like a disgusting, greasy, phlegm spitting homeless woman.

Patti should’ve forfeited their victory dinner; she’s going to have to get used to rice and beans. That’s all they serve in lady jail.

Torrie says she’s not used to Janice being so selfish and she hasn’t noticed this before.

After commercial, it’s time for the obligatory sob story part of the show. John shares a story about how one of his friends was play fighting with another guy years ago and it turned into a real fight (which is why you shouldn’t play fight) and John’s friend got shot and killed. John wanted to go home and avenge his buddy’s death but his coach stopped him from going and John feels that it saved his life. Lou shares a story about how his friend Rob was a closeted homosexual who eventually died of AIDS and Rob was so ashamed of what he was. Lou wants everyone to live their life.

Sanjaya says that his grandfather died and now he’s the only man left in his family. Then he started crying and it all jumbled into a series of words that sounded like Jessie Spano’s rendition of “I’m so excited.”

I like Jessie’s version better but only because it included Zack Morris. The next morning Lou receives a scroll that advises that cast not to urinate in camp because it will attract rats and snakes. Janice asks Lou who peed in camp and he replied that he was sleeping so he doesn’t know. Of course, we all know the popular saying: The one who denied it, pissed in camp and is attracting rats. NBC has it’s own opinions of the culprit.

I’m still wondering how Lou knows that he was sleeping when it happened. Now I have two suspects. Lou says that she’s the first one to speak up so she’s guilty. Everyone else agrees and Daniel and Stephen put a rat replica (?) in Janice’s bag because they’re sick of her crap. Janice finds it and she’s not frightened, she’s happy to have a new dildo. She tells Holly that she’s gonna take a shit in his bag later. She’s already proven that she’ll piss and hock up phlegm just about anywhere so I’m not surprised.

Daniel tells Holly that Janice is using her to appeal to Holly’s demographic. Holly thinks she’s sweet and doesn’t care what anyone says. This must run in the family.

Time to pass the reins over to:

Lou has a one on one with Janice and tells her that she’s rubbing everyone the wrong way. Janice says she just won’t eat. Why is this 54 year old woman acting like a such a baby? The only problem here is that as annoying and gross as Janice is, she’s good for heightened drama. If she and Speidi weren’t on the show, what would we really talk about each week?

The next challenge for the castmates is to saw through the log in teams of two men and women. Once they saw through it, they will reach a math problem that must be solved. Torrie and Patti are on one team and Stephen and John are on the other. Let the sexism begin! The girls are sawing through the log faster than the guys. John can’t belive that the women are doing better than the guys. Torrie and Patti start working on the math problem and Torrie says that men are usually better at math. I guess she doesn’t remember the “Math class is tough” Barbie controversy from ’92. Then Patti takes the helm and Torrie shadily remarks that she expects Patti to be good with numbers. I’m starting to love Torrie.

The guys lose and John is pissed cuz Stephen kept messing him up; I’m on his side with this one. They agreed that John would be the captain before they even got to the callenge and stephen did not follow directions. The guys are sulking and Janice says that John is a poor sport. Patti talks to Janice about it and Janice says that she knows Patti has a crush on John but he’s a poor sport. FYI, Patti never denied having a crush.

Janice sings “Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell poor sportsmanship.” She also says that women are the strongest race. Are we a race? She’s still on her hunger strike and refuses to partake in dinner. John, in a gracious tone, tells Janice to come and eat. If I was there, I’d allow her to starve to death. Hopefully a slow death though so we could laugh at her maniacal deathbed confessions. John keeps trying to get Janice to come around and stop complaining but she won’t give in. She keeps bringing up these “conversations” that she heard about her. John gives up on trying to get through to her. The Baldwins get in on it and say that Janice claims to be sick but when coffee and hot dogs arrive she’s alwyas first in line. She says she’s never been treated like this by a group of people.

The girls get some granola bars and smoothies as part of their prize and the cameras show Janice stealing one and eating it in the jungle behind some trees. A few minutes later, Torrie and Patti get their picnic basket full of goodies. They also take a minute to audition for the next Sir Mix-A-Lot video.

When they return to camp, Janice asks if there is a power bar in the basket. She is the worst at being sneaky. Patti runs back to check if it fell out but we know it didn’t because WE SAW Janice eat it. She is turning my stomach at this point. Dare I say, I want Speidi back. Everyone wonders where it went and Janice plays dumb of course.

That night, Lou gets to talk to a family member back home since he’s the leader. He gets to pick two others and he chooses Daniel Baldwin who has a pregnant wife and someone else who I couldn’t hear because the jackass hosts talked over him. Ok, they just repeated it and its Patti. T.G.I.O (Thank God It’s Over). This episode both thurned my stomach (Janice) and entertained me (Janice). This is the best I could do between the bouts of laughter and nausea. What’d you think? And who do you think should win? I’m going with Sanjungle. Til next time…