I’m A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here! Granola Gate

Yes folks, it’s the show that never ends. Much like the cobwebs in Janice’s old dusty cooter, it just goes on and on. And one more “Celebrity” will be sent packing. Let’s see what the jungle nuts are up to tonight on I’m A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here!

As we start the show, bugs are biting, birds are chirping, and the cheese has done slid off the Baldwins crackers. LaBamba tells us that he’s hoping for a good day today. Yesterday was odd and trying. And they flashback to the granola bar abduction. You see, there should have been 4 bars, but somehow there are only 3.

So now not only does announcer guy repeat everything that has already happened, then Dumb and Dumber do it, NOW the jungle nuts are having flashbacks too. To sum up. Janice is a thieving ass whackjob. And everyone knows it. Especially the Bloated Baldwins.

On and on these two taunt Janice about being a thief and a pathological liar. She stays calm and just gives them the finger. Then Big Bloaty just keeps mumbling “Where’s the granola bar?” This is sending Baby Baldwin into fits of giggle mania until LaBamba steps in to try and stop it. Nope, Big Bloaty said it again. I’m starting to like him. That means he’s a goner. Cut to Lamien and Crappy mumbling nonsense and we segue into the jungle nuts being eaten alive by all the bugs.

Janice screams about the bugs making her crazy which is really redundant and then her face collapses and she is immediately injected with some shit they use on the space shuttle to get her face straightened back out. But everyone else is being bitten all to hell. And since I am a hypochondriac I am now itching and I feel bugs everywhere!

Sanjungleboy and LaBamba seem to be getting the worst of it. LaBamba’s legs look like my 13 year old nephews face right after he hit puberty.

TPTB finally give these folks some little stickers that are supposed to keep the bugs away. I saw them and just thought they were marking them in case the sharp shooters had to be called in for Janice. And guess what y’all? THIS IS FOR CHARITY!

Scroll time! LaBamba reads that they need to pick one person from each team who enjoys shopping. They pick Holly and Sanjungleboy. And then John and Big Bloaty get all serious with him like their lives depend on this shit.

On to the food challenge. Ding and Dong tell them that one team will eat a nice big bowl of air tonight and the other team will eat this!

This stupid challenge is called “Shop Til You Drop.” They will be 70 feet in the air, walking on a wire and pushing a shopping cart that yet again looks like it came from the set of Gilligan’s Island. They have 3 minutes each to grab the assorted food items that are hanging beside the walking death trap and place them in their buggies. Who ever has the most items in the 3 minutes wins. yay.

Sanjungleboy starts first. And they have them wearing hideous leotards for whatever reason. They show a close up and I get a little dizzy.

Lamien again repeats how to play the game and tells them that if they fall off then it’s game over. No shit. On and on Sanjungleboy travels until he gets to the end. It’s beer. They tell him he can do it and he reminds them he’s not allowed to even drink beer. Time runs out but Sanjungleboy gets nine items in his cart. Crappy tries to make small talk and says “You must really be proud of how you gotten out there because your balance, you, you seem to just be on top of it.” Yes bitch he was on top otherwise he would’ve fallen off. STOP LETTING HER SPEAK!

On to Homely Holly. Yes I called her homeley. She is. Heidious looks like a plastic faced Barbie but this one is homely. Maybe they have another sister somewhere who’s actually cute. Anyway, she starts off and maybe it’s just me but it seems like her items are farther out than Sanjungleboys were.

Ok first they give the boys a dull ass cardboard saw so the girls would win and now they rig this one so the boys will win. Hey NBC, could you at least be a little subtle about this shit? No? Ok. Homely Holly kicks all her items so they will swing back to her and she can grab them but she only manages to get 5. Boys win.

Later back at Camp Craphole, LaBamba decides they should all sit around and tell each other how they got their big breaks in their respective fields. Torrie went to a wrestling match and someone thought she looked the part and there ya go. Janice says “Ya can’t beat that.” LaBamba tells her ignorant ass “It’s not about beating Janice, it’s about sharing.” Then she needs clarification about what the hell they are supposed to be talking about. Big Bloaty yells “BIG BREAK!” And Janice starts a 40 year trip down Super Model Lane.

On and on she goes. I read Moby Dick twice while she was talking. Finally after much eye rolling, yawning and general looks of please God let this end, she says, “To make a long story short.” and Big Bloaty snorts. She keeps yapping about how she got $1200 a day when most girls were getting $400 and she was able to send things to her parents like a/c and tv’s. Then we see this.

Next up is Homely Holly and right away I can tell it’s going to be a wah wah wah moment. Her step brother was supposed to come back from Iraq and they were going to move in together but he passed away and she got all off track until her sister brought her to The Hills and saved her life. Then LaBamba takes a moment to tell us that he hopes the stories tonight speak to young people and show them that big breaks and dreams are possible, you just have to work for them. Uhhh, dude you had a career and now you are on a crap show. Nevermind, I forgot. IT’S FOR CHARITY!

Oh God more crying. Patti says it doesn’t apply to her. Excuse me? She’s never had a big break? She runs off into the forest to cry and LaBamba goes to see what’s wrong. She tells us they haven’t had a big break, they’ve had a huge catastrophe. Ok. Let me splain something. You people had tons of money and from what I’ve read your husband and his giant head got too big for his britches and fucked it all up. If you had no knowledge of what he was doing, then I am sorry. However, kiss my ass with all the wah wah wah I’ve never had a big break bullshit. I ain’t buying it.

Ok LaBamba stop with the consoling. Oh good grief. He gives her the whole “They’ll never take away who you are ” speech and I am about to puke. Finally he walks away but here comes Janice. She wants to give her big pep talk to but Peppermint Patti cuts her off and says she doesn’t want to talk about it. Janice gets offended and Peppermint Patti explains that she just doesn’t want to cry anymore. Finally they hug.

Lamien and Crappy show up to tells us blah blah blah and that love is in the air. Who? Oh sheesh. Looks like Holly and Sanjungleboy have a thang for each other. They play splashy splashy in the water, he braids her hair. Is it just me or do these two just not match? Sanjungleboy still looks like he thinks girls are icky and Homely Holly is just, well, homely.

Janice, ever the psycho romantic, tells Holly she can’t wait until she see’s Sanjungleboy and Homely Holly make out. Then she says this….

The resident perv wants the infra red cameras on Sanjungleboy and Homely Holly at all times.

Then they show a montage of Sanjunglholly shots and play lovey dovey music and then they cut to a bug eyed frog whacking it. Not even kidding.

Oh no. Time for more wah wah boo hoooooo!!!!!!!! LaBamba and the two people he chose are going to get to talk via skype with a loved one. Yay. First up is Peppermint Patti and her husband ginormo head. She’s all “Hey how are you?”

Up next is Big Bloaty’s wife with her baby bump. I hate her already. She’s eight months pregnant?

Last but not least is LaBamba’s bitch wife. I guess she’s pretty. If you like that type. And no I am not jealous. Not in the least little bit. The skank!

Everyone is all happiness and light after speaking to those they love. Until Dip & Stick shuffle the three feet over to spoil the night. They are there to announce who MAY OR MAY NOT BE GOING HOME!! Jibber jabber crap jibberish lame jokes and then they announce that Sanjungleboy & Torrie are safe. Peppermint Patti might be going home. Homely Holly and Steven are safe. And Janice is…safe! That means John and Big Bloaty might be going home. So to recap, Peppermint Patti, John, or Big Bloaty are up for elimination.

It’s time for one last dinner together. The boys are thrilled and shoving food down their throats left and right. Janice is about to explode and tells us it’s unfair. Ok. Big Bloaty tells us he has coined a term. “The thrill of victory, the agony of no eat.

Now they go around and tell each other’s favorite moments with each other. Boring boring boring. Homely Holly claims their relationships have become soooo deep. Give me a break. Once you people split you will never speak to each other again ever! Oh hell, Sanjungleboy had to go and get all sappy dammit!

Only dogs can understand the last part of what he says but the jist of it is, LaBamba has been a father figure for him and he loves him and LaBamba loves him back. Big Bloaty lightens the mood by saying if they come back for another season and Sanjungleboy’s picture is mixed in with LaBamba’s kids he’ll quit. Everyone laughs. Awwwww.

America your votes are in. And the Turd and his Punchbowl are about to tell the jungle nuts the sad news. Blither blather jibberish repeat blah blah blah. Patti is safe. Ok and for some reason Janice yells out “Say no to Prop 8!” Ok. Oh my lord the suspense is killing me! Who will it be?? Oh hell, I should have known. It’s Big Bloaty. Say goodbye y’all!

As everyone is hugging Big Bloaty goodbye, all Janice keeps doing is screaming “Say no to prop 8. Can you hear me Perez? Perez Hilton! Say no to Prop 8!” Over and over and over. OK, wasn’t Prop 8 already voted on. Is this a code she is using for her “gay nation?”

Hey gay people. I love ya to death but please, please stop that shit! Janice is gross people! She hocks loogies and pees in camp and then doesn’t even WIPE!!! Ok I’ve said my piece. It’s up to you America.

Until next week my lovies,
Smooches,
Cherie