Well peeps we’re almost there. It’s almost over. Let’s get right into rehashing everything we’ve already seen and then I’ll tell you if anything new actually occurred on I’m A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here!
Did you wash yo nasty ass hands?
L. Boogie was having some technical difficulties so we will just skip Tuesday’s episode. Ok so to catch up, John is the new leader and he has a serious case of OCD. Janice wants Sanjungleboy to be gay and apparently so do a lot of his friends. LaBamba won immunity from this weeks vote and John, as leader was given the option to save one other person and he chose…himself! That means, LaBamba and John are exempt from America’s vote of death.
I guess you’ve been flashing John your be-freckled littled ta-ta’s for nothing.
John wants to win and that’s that. It’s the law of the jungle y’all. Actually I don’t know what laws are in the jungle I just know John ain’t fucking around and he wants this shit bad. Ass and Wipe show up to give us all the numbers we need to vote to keep our favorite jungle nut in the game so zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Just go to NBC.
Back at camp John still ain’t fucking around. He is really enjoying being the boss. And he’s enjoying his new BFF Peppermint Patti as well. The as yet unjaded by the horrors of life little turds are kinda late to get their lazy asses up for the day but the hardest fossil to rouse is always Janice. John tries the soft and flirty approach.
There ain’t nada sexy about a loogie hocking greasy headed klepto.
However this is what Janice heard. “GET YOUR LAZY FUCKING ASS OUTTA BED YOU OLD WRINKLED UP HAS BEEN CREEPY FACED PSYCHO!” I mean yeah, I yelled that shit but I’m pretty sure she couldn’t hear me. She tells Baby Bloaty that she was rudely awakened by John with no warmth. Well, next time maybe he should take a piss on your head you demented she wolf! Baby Bloaty tried to explain that that is not what happened but Janice is in Janice land where reason and sense go to die.
Janice then drags Baby Bloaty over to tell him a long boring ass dream she had about a woman trying to give her a crew cut and she had to jump into the river to be saved. This my friends, is PROOF! Proof I say that Jesus is in the jungle and he has his sights set on Janice.
I think it’s more likely you were having an LSD flashback and tring to get away from the giant bowling balls because we all know they can’t swim.
But no, Baby Bloaty says that God works in mysterious ways. And that he’s coming for Janice. By way of a bloated Baldwin Boy and a nasty looking river. This shit just keeps getting deeper and deeper.
So deep I’m gonna need taller boots.
On and on it goes with Janice saying she doesn’t like who she is. I don’t like who she is either but I ain’t snotting all over the place about it. Baby Bloaty tells her with Gods help he changed and so can she. He tells her she already knows all this from her 12 step programs she’s worked.
Oh come on, don’t be so rough on yourself, you are just as sober as Paula Abdul is.
Baby Bloaty thinks he sees progress in Janice and tells John that she’s growing on him. John replies “Yeah, like a fungus.” Ha! A fungus with herpes.
Uh Oh we have another homesick person. This time it’s Torrie. Sanjungleboy tries to cheer her up by saying there’s only 8 more days left but to her it might as well be a year. She boo hoo’s and wah wah’s and poor Sanjungleboy keeps trying but nothing is working. I think she needs some Midol.
I miss my full length mirrors!
Torrie misses being naked and taking showers and blah blah blah. Next time go to a spa you whiny nitwit. Peppermint Patti hugs her because she’s just glad to see that pretty girls cry too.
Oh yippie! They’ve been given art supplies. If you call dried monkey shit and some weird paper art supplies. Any hoodle, they are supposed to draw pictures of themselves in their favorite situation since they’ve been in the jungle. Janice makes a comment about Holly’s picture being good enough to use as a wedding invite for her and Sanjungleboy. Sanjungleboy has an immediate reaction.
I do believe he just made a fresh poo slick in his underoos!
Janice is just happy to have a legitimate excuse to play with her own turds and really gets into her “etch a sketch” as she calls it. They all look like smeared monkey shit to me but then I ain’t no artist!
And this is me when I dated Stallone, or was it, Bruce Willis? Oh I remember it was Abraham Lincoln!
Blah blah blah my picture is better than yours. Oh please, Hobo’s wouldn’t sleep on that crap. Then Baby Baldwin ran out of monkey poo or he is in serious denial.
Uhhh where’s the 50 pound belly Mr. Christian man?
Johns is of him in the river with beams of light coming out of his brain. Sanjaya’s was a self portrait of being in the water, ALL ALONE, did you hear that Homely Holly? Of course Holly’s fav is of her and Sanjaya in the river during a rainstorm.
Run lil Sanjungleboy, RUN!
Peppermint Patti tells us that once she was sitting on a log with John and he told her a story. He said the truth is like a candle in the the darkness and that once you light that candle, you can never put out that light. Oh please, I could pee on it and would go out!
Finally it’s time for another food trial. While John reads the scroll we see Janice doing this.
Well that’s one way to keep the bugs off your face.
They must pick 2 people from each team blah blah blah. Janice immediately announces she’s going. When Torrie tries to be sympathetic and ask if she’s sure she is up to it Janice goes into full menopausal meltdown and screeches “I”m DOING IT! Okie dokie. Torrie can’t take the insane blitherings of this idiot and walks off. The boys choose John and Baby Bloated.
Wow, that looks…delicious?
Douche and the Nozzel explain that the winner will get to order take out . Then they splain how the game works. 2 people will be harnessed together so that they are spider like and then together they have to climb around the man made spider web and collect their flags. The first one to poke one of Janice’s eyes out wins…..ok, that last part was made up. But you get the idea.
Janice and Peppermint Patti go first. Looks like it’s going ok as Patti gets her first flag but then Janice had to comment “I wish my bowels would move.” causing me to vomit my Snickers Bar. What’s next Janice, gonna show us your hemorrhoids? All in all they managed to get 10 flags.
Janice? Is that a penis in my back?
Boys turn. Right away you can see they have a plan. To win. Some of their moves look a little awkward but they end up with all ten flags.
I think that’s illegal in most southern states.
Ding and Bat gather round to tell the jungle nuts who’s time was the fastest. Yep. Boys win again. John goes to shake Janice’s decrepit old claw but at first she ignores him.
Hey old bitch, shake my hand!
Back to camp they go with the news of yet another boy win. Lots of gloating, lots of wah wah wahing. And then I see this atrocity.
Homely Holly is pissed because they CLEARLY asked Janice if she was up for the challenge and she snapped their heads off like she’d found a wire hanger and exclaimed she was fine! Then when she lost she listed every ailment she’s ever had since her umbilical chord fell off. In 1765.
If I kill Janice in Costa Rica does it count in the states?
Uh oh. Looks like there might be a little jungle love going on. Peppermint Patti and John are getting a little close. As it’s raining, Peppermint Patti throws out the idea of what would happen if they just snuggled up together. My guess is that they would fuck and Ginormo Head back home wouldn’t feel so guilty for banging the nanny.
Somebody’s getting some stinky pinky….
Everyone has noticed and gossiped about it. Then Peppermint Patti tells John she thinks Janice has a crush on him! Oh man this is just like high school. Then Peppermint Patti starts gossiping about how Janice didn’t even know who the father of her daughter was. Well well well, it seems Miss Peppermint Patti ain’t all rainbows and butterflies. Me thinks there is a side to her that’s just as crooked as her ginormo headed husband.
Oh people notice girls like you Peppermint, they just usually say gross and ick and that poor homely thing. Oh well at least you married well….
Baby Bloaty is on to Peppermint. He’s not as dumb as he looks. Oh and now she’s turned her venom on LaBamba. She said “Lou, Mr. Intensity. I fell like he’s acting a lot.” Right back at ya bitch.
John then gives Peppermint a big long speech about girls like Torrie dying for attention and for Peppermint not to do that. It’s not attractive. Then they show a picture of Janice and he says this…
Oh please you’d fuck in a heartbeat and you know it.
Food basket has arrived. There’s only one problem. Sanjungleboy wants to make a garlic oil pasta for the girls. The camp leader, Captain Sphincter Clinch ain’t having that shit. He’s the cook. No one else. And in between pouting he mumbles shit about too many chefs in the kitchen. Oh blah blah blah. LET GO OF THE GARLIC CAPTAIN SPHINCTER CLINCH. It will be theraputic. Plus it will stop annoying the living shit out of me.
Finally Captain Ass Clamp tells Sanjungleboy to get him a plate and fork so he, the master chef of all can taste it. He doesn’t like it.
Then use it to whack off and get out of that foul ass mood you are in.
Hey John SHUT UP! It’s an oil based sauce. GET THE FUCK OVER IT YOU BALD HEADED FREAK!
Finally Ass and Wipe tell us that they are about to tell us how the polls are going and to remind us that LaBamba and John are safe from elimination. Then we see this and for a second I thought someone had thrown holy water on Janice.
Phew, its just a fire. I thought Janice’s old bones were gone for sure.
Flashbacks, jibberish, crap, blah blah blah. Yeah yeah yeah 2 people will leave Thursday. We know. Can Stink and Stank make their appearance now? OH there they are!
John gets called out on saving himself…again, he says he came to win so suck it. Stank decides to announce some of the numbers and she says the voting is extremly close. She even had to take off BOTH shoes to count all the calls.
Stink says last week the bottom 5 were seperated by lesss than 3 percent of the vote. oooohhhhhhhhhh!!!! And also that this week the bottom 2 are seperated by less than 1% of the vote. OMG OMG OMG I can’t stand it! Stank informs Janice that she is NOT in the top 2. Janice is confused by this.
Not the top two? I’ve blown everyone is this jungle wtf?
Peppermint Patti on the other hand, is NOT in the BOTTOM two. Ok America. Why? She’s a demon in disguise people! Just you wait and see! Fart and Smear inform us that voting is still going on and the two jungle nuts with the fewest votes will be leaving the jungle FOREVER! Well I just don’t know how on earth I will be able to sleep now.
Well lovies, until next time,
Love and big old smooches,