I’m a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here!: All You Need is Love

How does it start? Dear Celebrities…

It’s the beginning of week 3 and another 72 hours have elapsed since we last saw our favorite Costa Rican captives. I consulted the official rules on NBC.com and since we have only made it past vote 2, we still have votes 3-5 remaining–which will leave us with 5 celebrities, and on to vote 6, which I’m assuming will be a straight up popularity contest for the winner.

But since NBC seems to be a fan of arbitrary rule changes, I won’t try to apply any more of my fancy college learnin’ to the situation.

What am I saying? We should just ask Janice, because she’s been on this friggin’ show before. She placed second in the UK version in 2007. Seriously. This weakens her transparent pleas for attention even further, don’t you think?

The hosts are on hand to recap week 2, which amounts to a bunch of nonsense you barely paid attention to the first time. Daniel Baldwin has been eliminated and Janice Dickenstein remains, even though she’s an unsanitary, objectionable, manipulative urinator. America has a love affair with crazies. I can’t explain it, but the Lohans are grateful.

We pick up at Daniel’s departure, Stephen is sad that his time with Daniel was cut short. It was nice for them to have some grown-man bonding time that was not completely darkened by Alec’s shadow. Since they’re in an isolated environment, they haven’t had the chance to see the Playboy article where Alec announces that Kim tried to destroy him, or that he was suicidal after the “rude little pig” voicemail leaked, or that he’s leaving 30 Rock and retiring from acting in 2012. Alec is probably one of the most famous profiles in Playboy and Daniel isn’t even the one of the most famous subscribers to Playboy. Yeah.

Janice made a show of clapping when Daniel was eliminated, because she didn’t like him… and she’s sore loser and a sore winner and has all other types of sores modern medicine hasn’t identified yet. Thanks Sly.

Back at camp, the celebrities are trying to prepare a family dinner. Everyone pitches in, except Janice. She provides constant narration, but no help. Janice is in confessional saying that she’s in paradise now that Daniel, who did make a point of harassing her, is gone.

As Janice continues to contribute nothing but barking orders and lounging fireside like the drag queen of the Nile, she mentions that she’s a great cook and she could cook dinner. Not will, could.

Stephen and Salley express their aversion to a Janice-prepared meal, with Dickenstein standing in the background like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. If Close sprang from a vat of Crisco instead of the bathtub.

Seriously, why is she the only one that looks like she’s emerged from a pod in The Matrix?

In the wake of Daniel’s departure John is considering leaving. John misses Daniel, he’s sick of the jungle and he’s disheartened to learn that he was at the bottom of the votes last week and was almost eliminated.

He doesn’t like that his fate is in the hands of America. He like to control his own fate. The man is a professional athlete, but I haven’t come across anything in my research that said he walked off the court because he didn’t like his fate in the hands of his teammates and his coach. Was he the first person is the history of the NBA to tell his coach, “I’m coming out of the game now, but not because you told me to, because *I* want to!” No. You play with the team and suffer along with the other 2nd stringers.

John hasn’t slept because he’s feeling unsettled about his place in camp. The strain on John’s psyche has even caused him to reconcile with Janice. They decide just to have fun.

In the only celebrity forum that James Lipton has no interest in, the celebrities conduct a campfire discussion of the benefits of fame.

LaBamba says how he was schooled by Helen Mirren very early in his career. She told Lil’ Lou that fame is not normal, to get your priorities straight. That’s how Dame Helen keeps her head on straight when at the Oscars and how LaBamba keeps his head on straight when at the Denny’s Grand Re-Opening.

Stephen pipes in to say that he considers himself a very grounded person, but when he wants something, fame doesn’t suck. He’s not opposed to throwing Alec’s name around to get into a good restaurant, or onto a reality show, or to the head of the line at Pat Robertson’s book signings.

Janice is torn. In her most mature comment all season, she says she’s grateful for fame because it’s allowed her to pay for her children’s education and afforded her the opportunity to throw cocaine in Charlie Sheen’s face, but the lack of privacy can be trying. The paparazzi follows her around and TMZ will go through her trash. I can understand how that’s frustrating, especially when Dickenstein proactively makes an effort to pee in front of several cameras in the center of a NBC set. What could be more embarrassing in her trash?

Patti’s public eye is different, in politics you develop enemies. And since the Justice Department isn’t a friend of Roddy’s, they’ve made enemies unlike those found in Hollywood. I can see that, but I think I’d rather have a government agent after me than Dickenstein.

She totally could have told the other celebrities that he ate the granola bar!

It’s time for another luxury trial, this time the winning participants will receive massages. Each team picks two representatives–the boys send LaBamba and Salley, the girls send Patti and Torrie. That massage must be orgasmic for people sleeping on egg crates and wicker for two weeks, but I’m shocked that these guys are so willing to strip down to nothing but a towel for a rub down in the middle of the jungle. I don’t care the temperature, I would rather wear a full suit of armor wherever I go, than have my back look like a test case for the first small pox vaccine.

The luxury trial is “Walk the Plank,” Torrie and Lou have to…um… is there a technical term for this? Twist this thing… with a big piece of bamboo, which in turn will shorten the plank supporting their opponent. Torrie has a better technique than LDP and Patti has smaller feet and a lower center of gravity than big, lanky, ski-footed John, so the boys lose.

LaBamba and Salley return to camp with the news of their defeat. And they tell Janice that Torrie did really well, “she’s a machine.” Janice counters with “she’s a beast.” In fact Torrie is very athletic she was Miss Galaxy 1998 and a Playboy Playmate, although I still think Janice is more intimidating.

A new task is given to the camp, if they complete a scavenger hunt in under 5 minutes, they’ll receive a treat. They’re able to finish it in no time, because everything in camp has somehow found its way into Dickenstein’s bag. Classy.

John Salley is still considering leaving the game, but the camp convinces him to stay. They value his presence–so if the people want him to stay, he’ll stay. Although Stephen thinks he’s already psyched himself out. And once he’s taken himself out of the game he really doesn’t stand a chance against these master strategists…

Sanjaya is trying to spice up the menu and is preparing some potato/turnip chips. He’s not moving fast enough for Janice’s liking so she starts up her sass and Sanjungle finally has a snarky moment and tell her that he’s trying to prepare the food properly. She’ll just have to wait. In the end, Janice is impressed with ‘Jaya of the Jungle’s culinary skills and deems him “the lord of the fry.” Janice, you’re lucky that he’s taken the title “Lord of the Fry” and not “Lord of the Flies” and hasn’t crushed your ass with a boulder. Back off him, beast.

Because the state of Georgia doesn’t have the range on their electronic monitoring system, NBC couldn’t book Bobby Brown for this show. Instead we get Janice staggering out of camp in a Bobby-esque manner. Turns out she’s constipated, which she’s very open about. She hasn’t taken a poop in seven days. If only there was someone around with experience digging doodie bubbles out of butts. Hmm…

She looks three and a half months pregnant, but fact it’s just week of being backed up. She tries guava and prunes to relieve her situation, but she’s still constipated. She’s in constant pain and is sharing her pain with her fellow celebrities with constant shit talk. Literally. Talk of shit.

Patti’s under the constant weight of legal trouble. She’s been able to concentrate on the good PR game, but when she saw her husband via Skype, it seemed to her like there may be something going on at home that she doesn’t know about. John tries to give some serenity, he always wears wooden beads, so we know he’s totally Zen.

America has voted to select the participants in the next food trial. Torrie is up for the girls in the “Tunnel of Terror,” and the men have Sanjaya.

Each celebrity has 3 minutes to go through the tunnel and pick up 20 stars, of course the stars are accompanied by snakes, iguanas, tarantulas, crayfish, and various other vermin that I didn’t want to dissect freshman year of high school.

Sanjaya descends into the terrifying tube first and crawls through like he’s straight out of Shawshank and straight into the bowels of Zihuatanejo.

The last leg of the tunnel is all muddy clay water housing more bacteria than Dickenstein’s washcloth.

Sanjaya comes through with 19 out of 20 stars, which the best ratio of stars he’ll ever earn on a reality television show, Star Search would never would be that generous.

Torrie enters the tunnel and needs a perfect 20 out of 20 stars to win. She’s a machine, yes Janice–a machine, and she comes out with 18 stars. Which is impressive, but it’s not enough to beat ‘Jaya of the Jungle.

Janice is sick, but this time the camp is convinced she’s not crying wolf, she’s really sick. Of course she’s sick, she’s has more toxic buildup than the NJ Turnpike.

She’s throwing up and finally an ambulance takes her to a nearby hospital. She may have to be observed overnight.

At 3am a snake arrives in camp. Onsite security moves in to remove the snake and passes by Patti… who is surprisingly is not accustomed to sleeping with snakes.

Patti looks to crawl into bed with Salley but he falls back asleep. Patti is only one to see the “ninjas” arrive in camp and remove the snake.

Dickenstein is gone all night, but she makes a triumphant return to camp the next morning. She’s bubbly and happy to be back.

Time for a new leader, Lou cannot serve a third consecutive term, even though he won a second term on a completely bogus process, like Dubya.

I predict that Lou will be back in office for a third non-consecutive term next week, cause he’s that cool with his Spanish, Scottish/Irish, Chinese, Filipino, Hawaiian, and Cherokee charms. I know you wanted to know, but forgot to Google it. So I looked it up for you.

In this week’s leadership challenge, the celebrities will try to guess which one of their fellow celebrities top the polls on NBC.com. They are basically playing The Newlywed Game with America, looooong after the honeymoon is over.

For example one question asks: Which celebrity does America think is the most famous?

Fuck if I know. I’d guess Stephen because people who watch this show voluntarily are probably people who have see him on Celebrity Apprentice, two seasons of Celebrity Mole, Celebrity Fear Factor or The Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge, and now have a distorted perception of his fame and proper use of recreational time.

But the NBC.com poll says that John is the most famous. So far all I know about the audience of this show is that they like to torture the dorky theater boy, they like keeping the crazy chick around and they think the jock is the star of the show. So, I can only conclude that the I’m a Celebrity audience consists entirely of Mike Dexter disciples.

Anyway, John’s popularity doesn’t fail him and he wins the challenge and becomes camp leader. And now all he wants is Janice to be quiet for an hour a day. First he’s camp leader, now he’s going to save the jungle from pollution. Take that Jordan.

Time for another fire side chat with the celebrities, and this time they discuss who they are closest to in camp.

Stephen is very close to LaBamba, they have history. Although I don’t see Stephen and Lou in any of the same movies on imdb, Stephen was in The Flyboys with some chick, who was in Hourglass with LDP-LDP was in Young Gunswith Keifer who was in Flatliners with Kevin Bacon.

John’s best friend is Patti, they’ve had a few heart to hearts and she’s talked him off the bridge–John is her BFF too. Since he’s so popular with the people on NBC.com, he’s sure to be a great character witness.

Torrie’s guardian angel is Stephen–cause they’re both Christian. Holly loves Sanjungle, Sanjungle loves Holly. Dickenstein loves everyone, but she has to take a poop. Ah, bonding.

…and like the celebrities feel about rice and beans, I can’t stomach much more of this. That’s all for this episode.