I’m back! The demons at Best Buy have been defeated and my computer is fixed. We’re on Day 18 of the celebrities supposedly being in the jungle. I’ve missed Lou, Janice and Sanjaya. But I’ve missed the summer’s sexiest couple most of all.
Ebony and Ivory (Ivory comes with matching handcuffs).
The episode starts with a recap of the previous episode’s highlights. Shocking. The celebrities are stressed because they do not know where they stand in the voting. The hosts told them that Patti’s not in the bottom two and informed Janice that she’s not in the top two. Stephen Baldwin thought that Patti woud be in the bottom two and finds it unsettling that she’s still there. Patti is actually the smartest pseudo-celebrity there. She modeled herself after a beloved cultural icon in order to convince America that she’s non-threatening.
Punky Brewster, I always want you here with me-ee-ee. Uh-oh, Uh-oh.
The hosts announce that the celebrities will be playing individually instead of in male and female teams. Some of the cast members are happy.
Some aren’t so excited.
“Will I still get to see Lou shirtless?”
Lou immediately rips off his shirt to ease Sanjaya’s fears.
And gives us three snaps in a Z-formation.
The celebrities all get new green shirts to go with their new solo status. Hooray! Janice is even bitchier than usual because she’s mad that she’s not in the top two. She starts bossing Holly around and telling her to do the dishes. Holly decides to have a one on one with Janice and tells her that she hurt her feelings by being so bossy. Janice apologizes to Holly in person but during her interview she mocks Holly and indicates that she’s a big baby. I thought her apology was a turning point but after all of that Janice officially has no redeeming qualities.
Plus she looks like Tawny Kitaen’s younger sister and that’s not good-for Tawny.
John announces that the next challenge will involve mud wrestling. Torrie, a former pro wrestler, believes that she will win this and I hope she does because she deserves to win at least one challenge. She’s so confident that she takes time to dress up her comptition.
Nacho Libre II: Jungle Masala
Stephen Balwin was too busy taking a dump and missed out on picking out a wrestling costume. He fashioned his own out of spandex shorts and a cape and it instantly transforms him. Unfortunately he is transformed into an annoying person who adopts an obnoxious accent and is dressed hideously. Hmmmm, he’s starting to remind me of someone….
It turns out that the cast won’t have to wrestle; the challenge is to find 1 out of 3 stars in the muddy water while being molested by a crocodile. Whoever wins will get pizza. Th cast jumps into the water and Janice, of course, is the first one to quit. Sanjaya finds the first star, Patti gets the second and Lou finds the third.
Before the winners get to eat their pizza, the hosts do the first elimintaion. Sanjaya is up first and he’s safe. Next is Torrie, she’s safe. The next person called is Holly and she’s-going home. Janice exclaims that she thought she would be going home and makes a big production of how upset she is over Holly’s departure. This is the same woman who just mocked Holly after apologizing to her face to face. The hosts leave for a break and they will announce the next person going home once they return. Meanwhile, we are treated to a montage of each celebrities charity.
Please donate to the disabled veterans fund; they fought for my freedom to lounge and make sexy faces on TV.
Please let me win God so I can bring back the Hair Club for Men.
I’m raising money for my commissary. I don’t wanna be Bertha’s bitch.
My charity is SCN: Stop Constipation Now.
Charity? I thought this was the audition for Lost Boys III: The Other Corey’s Revenge
I’m playing for B.I.N.D.I: Big Indian Nipples Deserve Illumination
I’m helping someone else by being on this show? I’m the world’s phlegmiest supermodel, get me out of here!
And now it’s time for the hosts to make the sad/serious face.
“We’re so sad and serious. Please bring us back for season 3.”
After the break, we’re treated to a little segment of the celebrities name dropping. We start off with Janice, the world’s oldest supermodel. She used to hang out with the cast of SNL and she proceeds to name cast members from 1977-1994. Lou talks about his poker nights that included Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Luke Perry and David Schwimmer. He’s careful to point out that this all occurred before they became famous and I actually feel a little sad. By the end of the segment, the celebrities had name dropped over 40 people. Bto the hosts for a charming segue…
Myleen: Why didn’t you answer last night? I rung you on the telly all night.
Damien: Shut up you candy striping whore.
Lou, Patti and Sanjaya ate their pizza. The rest of the cast had veggies along with their rice & beans. Janice really wanted the broccolli and zucchini so she could take a dump. John won’t give it to Janice because it was in a bag for everyone and not separated for her. John and Janice continue to argue over veggies that they probably can’t even spell. John finally gives her some raw veggies which are probably better for constipation than cooking them. Janice says that she doesn’t want it raw. Take that off the list of things Janice “Methusela’ Dickinson has never said. Janice demands that John give her something to cook her veggies with and he promplty tells her to get it her damn self. I think Janice better take the loss on this one. Everyone likes raw veggies. Everyone.
“Ooh baby I like it raw.”
Janice says that she’s scared of John and says that everyone else is too so no one wil stand up to him. I guess it’s possible that the rest of the cast is scared of a 6’11 Black man but it’s quite possible that that is exactly what they like about him.
“You know my husband’s gonna be away for a long, long time.”
“I can give you some white meat to go along with your two veggies.”
“Do you know Obama? You think he could get me out of doing jail time?”
The hosts announce the next person going home and it is…not Stephen, its Janice. She’s gross but she was also entertaining. There’s no conflict left and that makes for a possibly boring final week. Good thing there’s only 3 episodes left.
As the episode comes to an end, the celebrities get to read letters from home. John got a loving messgae from his wife and she asked him to kiss himself for her. Patti had other ideas though.
“I’m gonna smack some John Salley ass tonight.”
Sanjaya got a message from his mom and he starts crying-again. Patti gets a letter from her daughters and hubby. Torrie’s boyfriend sends her a letter saying that she doesn’t need tanner or make up because she’s aleady hot. Blah, blah, tears, blah. The next episode will feature the lowest vote getters battling it out to stay on the show. The hosts interview the castoffs and Holly states that she and Sanjaya are just friends. Janice reiterates the fact that she was sick the entire time and it affected her performance. Holly thinks Sanjaya will win and Janice thinks Stephen’s got the win-hands down. We’ll find out soon enough. What did you think? Will the show be boring without Janice or are we over her unbelievably disgusting behavior?