Newsgasm: Sucks to My Assmar Edition

Industry

By m_ruv | Wednesday, January 4, 2006 | 9:53 am | 9 Comments

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  • Lindsay Lohan, after spending New Year’s hospitalized for a sudden “asthma attack,” has now hit newsstands with an EXPLOSIVE Vanity Fair interview in which she fesses up to drug use, bulimia, EXPLOSIVE diarrhea, communist sympathies, rickets, and other transgressions. Awww. Now if only her asshole film crews would stop harassing me to “get out of the way” while I’m walking ON MY OWN BLOCK maybe I wouldn’t dislike her so much. [People]
  • Fresh off his recent retirement from Nightline, Ted Koppel has joined the Discovery Channel. Splendid! Now we’ll be treated to such fare as Ted Koppel: Inside a Termite Mound and Ted Koppel: Me and My Chimpanzee Friends. Put a pith helmet on this guy and the possibilities are endless. [CNN]
  • And contrary to rumors circulating in the press, Donald Trump apparently harbors no monomaniacal delusions about becoming the next governor of New York. Trump asserted, “I have no interest in running for public office at this time. Instead, I hereby name myself grand vizier of Trumpistan, in which my duties shall consist primarily of sitting cross-legged on a yuge silk pillow, wearing genie pants and a bejeweled turban, receiving sumptuous offerings of frankincense and the finest cardamom. I’m yuge.” [E! online]

About

9 Comments

  1. 1
    Lizardqueen
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 10:25 am

    Is “asthma attack” secret code for “coke overdose”? Kinda how “exhaustion” means “breast implant surgery” and “food poisoning” equals “I’ve got a killer hangover”.

  2. 2
    jash
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 10:31 am

    maybe i’d like her more too if her EXPLOSIVE diarrhea due to recreational activities didnt cause such LONG WAITS on line at bungalow 8 for the bathroom.

    bottom line: shes an asshole

  3. 3
    stacyrocks
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 10:31 am

    Wow, that was fucking awesome… ‘Ted Koppel: Me and My Chimpanzee Friends’. I had some co-workers looking over the cubicle wall to see why I started laughing…out loud… all alone… aah, work sucks.

  4. 4
    Madeyoulaugh
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 11:04 am

    Of course TVGASM readers already knew this about Blowhan back in July. http://www.tvgasm.com/archives/miscellaneous_tv/000855.php

  5. 5
    Leah3t
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 11:31 am

    Let’s just hope that now that’s she on the mend from the eating disorder she doesn’t take a page from mary kate’s book and walk around in bag lady clothes.

  6. 6
    derder
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 1:06 pm

    Lizardqueen-
    Good one! And aint that the truth! These people are all f’in crazy. But then what does that say about all of us????

  7. 7
    Helenann
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 1:26 pm

    m_ruv… a reference to, “Lord of the Flies”????
    (here Piggy/ Blohan)
    YOU…ARE…BEAUTIFUL!!!! My day is complete–thank you!

  8. 8
    jash
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 2:05 pm

    even back in july there was nothing to know. her use was common knowledge in the public domain, so much so that if you wrote a paper on it, you wouldnt have to cite your sources.

    that article would be like writing an expose telling us “hey, mary kate allegedly has an eating disorder” or “hey, tom cruise might be gay”

  9. 9
    sweetblondie
    Posted January 5, 2006 at 1:50 pm

    mmmmmmm…cocaine…

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