Ever wonder where all the terrible movies come from? How about all the horrendous sitcoms or insipid dramas? They come from dumb people. And how do dumb people get in the Hollywood system? They start by writing a letter. Someone passed along one of these letters to me, and even though it doesn’t quite have anything to do with television (aside from providing an insight into the sort of people that try to break into the industry), it was so ridiculous and awful, I just had to share it.
After the jump, please enjoy the employment cover letter from Hollywood hell.
UPDATE: B-side is doing the Hollywood Glitterati thing, and since I never go to a bar more than a 15 minute drive from the TVgasm offices, he asked me to post this disclaimer that came with this message:
Los Angeles is best known as the city of Angels; where hopes and dreams are made reel. Dually it has the reputation to be the most competitive, superficial, and aristocratic cities of its kind. I have to admit up front, I don’t have any cousins, uncles, or any other long lost family members for that matter to induct me into the industry; but what I do have is heart.
In order for you to fully understand who I am; you must read this resume in its entirety. I know it may seem long and rumor has it, that Hollywood execs don’t even read a cover letter in the first place. I am extremely proud and grateful to truly embellish my passions in physical form. I could only ask that you honor the same respect to my original piece of art in writing.
I am young, talented, and have an eye for greatness, hence why I am approaching you. I have to come to see that the world’s cosmic intelligence needs help. Whether it is through pessimistic perceptions, barren behavior patterns, or melancholic mindsets, society is greatly suffering in a variety of forms. My grandest gift is creative vision and storytelling. I am here to evolve and enlighten our world by means of entertainment. I would like to ask for an opportunity in doing so. Thank you and enjoy.
up In America, I’ve always thought Big
and had Great Expectations for What Dreams May Come.
I wasn’t like Ordinary People.
I played with The Dreamers.
Often with my Head in the Clouds
I knew that Somewhere in Time
my Magic would Rain Mankind with The Gift
of Happy Endings. Don’t get me wrong, I was also
The Good Girl who sought out Higher Learning and The
Graduate of NYU; With Honors
I might add. But after having well over Thirteen
years of School Ties, I was Ready to Rumble,
let Footloose, and Face Off my Proof of Life.
felt Forever Young in my Prime
to be living as a Single White Female in the Lovely and Amazing
Silver City of Manhattan. I started applying to
Vanity Fair and all The Incredibles
in the fashion world. I was Clueless as to which Sliding
Doors would open my Training Day
as a Working Girl first.
But I figured I’d let the Laws of Attraction do their thing.
Bring it On for I was ready to Walk the Line to become a
Woman on Top.
I opened The Door in the Floor
because to my surprise all this Good Will Hunting
for Career Opportunities was having Failure to Launch.
I was Dazed and Confused as to how My Life without Me
made such an abrupt U-Turn into Rush Hour Traffic.
Having The Bachelor degree was supposed to be The Sure Thing.
I was always The Shining Rock Star Driven
to be the Best in Show; now I felt like a Ghost Trapped
in some Mysterious Skin.
Did I have a Bad Education or was I just a Girl, Interrupted
by the whole Adaptation process to the real world? Is this
As Good as it Gets? Oh, God The Others
weren’t kidding when they said Reality Bites!
the soil became Rocky,
I tried to Be Cool; thinking this would will all Blow
over; and continued Keeping the Faith. Except it didn’t
and I was now The Constant Gardner
of Broken Flowers. The Domino
effect of Falling Down made it Mission Impossible
to Bounce back from my Brokedown Palace.
As The Hours by passed ever so slowly, My Life
became a bit Clockwork Orange. I was working as a Cocktail
waitress Seven shifts a week, using each Paycheck to pay
Rent. I was walking Sideways
about my days. While most of my nights were spent Home Alone,
in a Cocoon trying to figure out why I was so Lost in Translation.
I had Enough. I could no longer keep up with the Hustle and
Flow of a Sin City; nor could I Die Another Day with
all this Intolerable Cruelty. Something’s Gotta Give.
My Basic Instinct was telling me that by staying in NY,
I was only Flirting with Disaster. I never had Cruel
Intentions. So why did I feel as if I was being Cast Away
from The Island? Was I Psycho or just One Flew
Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?
Circle of Friends would Say Anything
to convince me otherwise. But, most of the time I felt like the Elephant
in a Panic Room listening to them have 13 Conversations about
One Thing; themselves in an Office Space. I wasn’t
about to be The Interpreter
of their Disclosure for Anger
Management. I was also Out of Sight to Finding Neverland.
Anyways, Look Who’s Talking. I just was always the
Believer that you should Love Actually That Thing You Do.
Some would ask, What’s Love Got to Do with It?
I guess I’d rather be Down With Love
than Swept Away by some Monster’s Inc. doing Monkey
Business Just Cause it paid well.
So I did The Next Best Thing
or what was A Lot like Love to me. I saw Woody Allen’s
new film, Match Point. I was Moonstruck
by the movie’s theme. From Dusk till Dawn
my words had The Butterfly Effect
in the Notebook I ever so Cherish.
As I was writing some Poetic Justice
I realized that I was being Unfaithful
and living some True Lies of my own. I could no longer
appreciate all these Dirty Pretty Things.
I was heavily relying on the Safety of Objects
for my Happiness as did most Gangs of New
York. And after all nothing is For Keeps.
Sirens, and White Noise were Screaming at me.
I figured it was A Time to Kill the Mask I’d been wearing
to my Bourne Identity.
Usually I needed Up Close and Personal Proof
to partake in such Risky Business,
but ironically I was the One with Eyes Wide Shut to
all the Signs the Forces of Nature were giving me.
Hello Serendipity. It was a Miracle
my Crash turned into an Intersection. This was
The Great Escape to bring me Closer
to Wonderland. I knew it would be A Very Long Engagement
From Here to Eternity, but I wasn’t Far From Heaven.
Pocus I was ready to Focus
my newly Untamed Heart.
I let go of Fear and began to Splash the Sea Inside.
No Sense and Sensibility could explain my Fatal Attraction
to films. I had a Crazy/Beautiful
idea that I should be In Good Company
of those who Made them. Even if it meant moving All
the Way to Kalifornia. I had been In and Out of the
idea Millions of times before. The Producers
out there were said to be in A League of Their Own. What’s
the Worst that Could Happen? It’s a Wonderful Life
and after all it was the City of Angels. The Day after Tomorrow
I gave my 2 Weeks Notice, and I was soon to be Gone With the
Wind to create my own West Side Story.
Birds flying across a Rising Sun in the Vanilla
Sky overlooking the Beach;
I was starting to see through a Secret Window. Yes! The Sixth
Sense of mine allowed me to Go Back to the Future
to enliven What Lies Beneath.
have a Golden Eye that films Paradise Beyond the Sea.
I have a soul of a Hero Die Hard
to Stand and Deliver creative vision. I have
A Beautiful Mind just Waiting to Exhale Some Kind
of Wonderful film Phenomenon. With all the Awakenings
of my Braveheart, now is my time to Pay it Forward
to the world. Will I let that fact that Me and You and Everyone
We Know wants to be a part of the film industry be In Harms Way?
Not a Chance. I’m part of a new Fight Club
now, one that involves Playing by Heart.
I know this may be over 1000 words, but 208 of them are movies.