It’s called Love GAMES! Helloooo?

Alrighty, Gasm-tits, I am Tmurda, and am filling in for Cherie this week.  I have recapped season 2 of “You’re cut off!”, and am currently capping “Saddle Ranch”. BUT, I have some REALLLLY big shoes to fill! Cherie has mastered her craft of  translating all the trashiness to us readers. Now, I have been a BGC fan since season1, but all I have seen of THIS installment are clips of a scene here and there when channel surfing.  All I really know for sure  is that Tanesha is the host, so I’m ALL in, baby!   Ya ready?   Lets DO this!!!

Montage of what we’ve seen, montage of what we’re gonna see.  Last week, we were shown how thrilled the girls (Amber, Batshit, and Lea) are to be around each other.

Best Friends FA-EVA!!!

Lea let’s us know that for the first time in her life, she’s single (really?), so she’s looking for a dude with no baggage, s/a ex girlfriends…-er-WHAT?  Huh? 

Just sayin’

WOW.  Ok.  This week, Batshit throws her vag at anyone who will acknowledge her, and she also begins WW3 (according to herself).  Cue clips of yelling, a purple bandanna, and water bottles being thrown.

Morning at the LG house, and shots of guys working out.  Some dude I don’t recognize or care about says that there are 10 guys left, so the game is getting intense.  Then he says something about being the last man standing.  So, clearly he will going home this week.  Amber, some dude, and Lea (who is wearing her fucking shades in the GD indoors, which I HATE more than anything on the planet) are chatting in the kitchen, and Amber is up to something. She whispers to Lea-

Who’s we?  You got a mouse in your pocket?

Um, can someone explain the rules of the game to her, please?  What an idiot.  Just go along with it, Lea. Sheesh.  Nick,25,Sly One tells us that his strategy is to stay on neutral ground with all of the girls, and keep his mouth shut.  Ha!  Good luck, Playa.  Is he aware that “neutral ground” with these attention-whores is off the table?  Obviously not, and I’m glad.

Well, he better be sly, cause he aint much of a looker.

Amber interviews that she needs to start spreading herself around.

BEST. STRATEGY. EVAAAA.!

I’d like to tell her that that’s not a very lucrative way to go about finding Prince Charming, cause if it were, I would’nt be 28 and single.  Batshit says that her strategy is to get all guys who are not on “Team Batshit” on to “Team Batshit”.  That actually doesn’t sound like too bad of an approach.  We’ll see if she can pull it off.

Lea looks like shit (with her GD shades STILL on inside), and is cuddling up with Ryan, 25, Tatted Guy, and I’d like you (Gasmii) to weigh in on whether you think she’d be into this guy WHATSOEVER if he had zero tattoos-

The tattoo of the scab between his eyes is a little overkill, for me.

Me neither.  Suggestion to ugly guys-GET LOTS OF TATTOOS! Then you can maybe at least get laid.  Moving on.  Batshit is being sneaky (bored), walkin around the house, when she hears Ryan on the phone and accuses him of talking to his ex GF (I guess she’d heard from the other dudes that he still fucks his ex), and Ryan flips out.  He’s wearing skinny jeans, and acts super-guilty.  Batshit says she’ll save this top secret info for the right time.  God, she’s a lunatic.

This busy girl has dicks to suck, and puppies to kick.  She’ll ruin your life later.

Van packed with guys on the way to today’s challenge.  Pretty much as soon as the door slides closed, Ryan yells “So what’s up with you puttin me on blast to Natalie this morning, Jason!?!?”  Jason- “I didn’t PUT you on blast, dude!!!”  Cue Jason, 24, Troublemaker interviewing that he DID put Ryan on blast to Batshit.

“Guy code-shmy shmode! Pft!”

Alrighty.  All the other guys are throwing out comments saying how fucked up that is, and it’s against guy code, and blah blah blah.  Actually, you Dumbfucks, it’s brilliant.  Newsflash-you are on a show competing AGAINST EACH OTHER to win over a Top Notch Skank of your very own.  IT’S CALLED LOVE GAMES! If one of you offers info like that, why would someone NOT put you on blast.  Ok-no more of that phrase.  I hate when people say they were/are/have been put “on blast”.  That doesn’t even make sense at all.

Challenge time.  Haha-get this ya’ll.  It’s a DANCE CHALLENGE!  THAT means (if you watched BGC season 3, you already know) Amber is PISSED!  That bitch not only can’t dance, she literally has ZERO sense of rhythm, or how to move her body, and basically turns into Hellen Keller with tourette’s when music plays.  See her fuming?

“Man! When are we gonna get a challenge like being racist, ya know, something I’M good at!?”

Teams are picked, and I must say, Lea’s team looks more than excited to jump into this challenge!

“MAN! When are we gonna get a challenge like bargain shopping at Hot Topic, ya know, something IM good at!?”

Anyway, they must (each girl) choreograph a dance, teach it to the guys, then perform it in front of a special guest judge.  Oh, and they have 2 hrs.  Ok, I’m a dancer, but I would HATE this challenge too, cause I hate teaching non-dancers a routine.  I just do not understand why a person can’t dance.  “How do you not hear that beat?  Why can’t you put your arm there, and your leg here on THAT beat?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU FREAK!?”  That’s kind of how things end up coming out of my mouth.  They have to pick “fly gear” (aka plain colored t’s, and matching bandannas), Team Bat picks green, so one of her guys says that their team name will be “Cash Money”.  God, I hate this show.

Each team is in it’s own studio, and they all look as if they are having a great time working on their routine, and I must admit it’s kind of cute.  Each team has come up with a theme/premise/story to base their routine on.  It’s funny as hell, and even Amber is in good spirits.  But then Debbie Downer (Lea) interviews that she hates the challenge, it’s cheesy, and soooo Disney.  Listen Bitch- A) Disney is the SHIT, you cold-hearted goth freak. B) I bet when elimination time comes, and 3 of YOUR boys are on the chopping block, “cheesy” won’t seem like the worst thing in the world., and C) Do you think you’re “above” having good clean fun cause you have tattoos?  Thought so.

Ok.  A LITTLE cheesy, but whatevs.

Tanesha anounces that their guest judge is “Lil’ C”.  Never heard of/seen dude in my life.  Help me out, Gasmii

10 bucks says he has NO IDEA who these people are, or what show he’s on.

Whoever he is, i’m sure he knows more about dance than these clowns, so whatevs.  OH!  According to Taneisha, he is the “King of Crumpin’”.  Good cause crumping is like the opposite of graceful, so they might do better than we thought.  Dance off time.  Team Amber is up first, which happens to be Ambers worst nightmare, according to herself via interview.  She’s so dramatic, and whiney UGH!  BTW-their dance has an “Egyptian-puppet theme”, which  is alright IN THEORY, but Amber’s lack of rhythm just makes it the FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMG, you guys.  I swear, if you haven’t watched this episode, your ass better be in front of your T.V. an hour early next week to watch this shit.  Wow.  It ends with her sliding through a dude’s legs, aaaannnnnnnd POSE!

SUPA-STAAAH!

Team Lea.  They suck too.  Now it’s clear why Lea was whining so much about the challenge.  Cause she can’t dance either.  God, at least Amber is mature and self-aware enough to just admit she can’t dance. NVM.  The entire routine consists of Lea turning/looking around like she’s really confused, while literally rubbing herself up and down.  I think there was like 4 counts of actual choreography intended to end the routine, but Lea totally fucked it up, and looked totally embarrassed.  Haha.

Soo..their theme is “F-YOU DISNEY!” ?

Team Cash Money is last, and we automatically know they’ve got it in the bag.  Why?  Cause they are hype as hell, and Lil C says “Hey DJ! Crank it up EXTRA LOUD this time”.  Routine starts, it’s totally cute, there is actual choreography (Not super impressive, but it’s there), and they are totally together with their moves.  They then do a “soul train” line type thingy, and as they go up one by one, the rest yell “Go -!”  “Go-!” “Go-!” for whichever dude is in the spotlight displaying his unique and signature move.  Dude with the dreads shows his abs,  Ellen popps his booty and shit, and Guido dude does his fist pump.  Then, for the big finish, Ellen rips off his T-shirt to reveal a purple camisol, and he and Batshit re-enact a fight that (I guess) happened last week between Batshit and Amber.  It’s awesome, everyone likes it (besides Amber), and they inevitabbly win.  YAY!  Batshit is officially HBIC. BOO!

Back at the house.  BTW- It cracks me up how the THREE Hoes ride around in a strech limo, and the TEN huge beefed up guys ride in a van.  LOL.  Anyway,  Team Cash Money Batshit is on top of the world, as the other guys are moping around, and nervously conversing with each other about who Batshit might put up for elimination.  Jason, 29, Troublemaker tells us “Natalie is HBIC now, so I’m ‘Team Natalie’ now.  That’s just how the game works”.  Ok, ya’ll, this dude has risen above all other players by using common sense.  He’s a genius. I mean COMPARED, ya know?  Batshit isn’t stressin bout it yet,  and she wants to PART-TAY!.  She’s runnin her loud-ass mouth, wandering around, while yelling at others to do this or do that.  She really wants them to do shots.  During all this, she comes out of nowhere with the SAME EXACT question that has been nagging me this whole time. She interviews “How can we put any of these boys up for elimination when we haven’t seen their penis size yet?”  Dammit-Batshit made me giggle.  Ugh.

Penis size is actually super-importante to a bitch with a vag like Stargate. (see above image)

The sad part is that these guys are so pathetic, I bet they would willingly participate in a line-up with their cocks hanging out for her to examine and judge.  Anyway, Lea’s a cunt, so she all of a sudden acts all offended, saying that she doesn’t need to see anyone’s penis, like Batshit is SO disrespectful and inappropriate.  Lea is so GD fake, and I want stab her in the jugular.  Ryan doesn’t want this conversation to be heard by Lea’s Virgin ears any longer, so he conveniently whisks her away for some alone time.

Ruh Rooooooooh……….Batshit has joined their convo, so you and I know what that meeeeaans…there’s a TORPEDO in the WA-TA!!!  Sure enough, Batshit reveals Ryan’s big “still fucks his ex” baggage,  Lea flips out, storms off, Batshit is laughing (me too), and Ryan starts yelling “Thanks Natalie! That’s AWESOME.  That’s AWESOME.  Thanks a lot, Natalie.”  Teeheehee.  What a pussy.  If it was Jason, he would use his common sense and lay her ass out.  Aren’t dudes with a ton of tattos supposed to be bad-ass?  Anyway, Lea’s furious at the deception of his “good” moral fiber.  Jeez, Lea.  Chill out.  It’s not like he’s in a relationship with a married woman, as well as another guy for multiple years, with out either of them knowing about the other, or something.  Now THAT would be fucked up.  Pot, meet kettle.

Lea runs off to yell at all the other guys for no reason, and Ryan throws a water bottle across the room.  Whichever dude he’s talking to tells him he needs to find out who said it, and handle it.  Ryan acts like he agrees, but just stands there nodding.  Uh…am I missing something ?  Did the “Jason put me on blast” convo this morning in the van happen, or did I imagine it?  Oh, I get it.  Ryan’s a total pussy, and doesn’t have the balls to go find J and beat his skull in, like he should.  Or he could not fuck his ex when going on a dating show.  Or he could just show an ounce of intelligence by keeping such things to himself.  Many options.  Which one does he choose?  None of em.  He verbally attacks Batshit, and she could care less as she laughs her ass off.  THEN he’s literally SCREAMING all this shit about how all the guys have said they fuck their ex’s, other chicks, and some even the night before coming on the show.  Jason appears, and starts catching shit from all the guys about telling the girls shit about them.  Jason looks like “and?……..”   LMAO.  He’s just the only one who knows how to play the game, as he tells us via interview.  Clearly.  He’s just like “what?’ and welcomes them to brawl if they want to.  Like, yeah he told the girls the guys business, DUH, so if they’re pissed about it, he’s cool with dukin it out.  I LOVE THIS GUY! He’s a total bone-head, yet he outsmarted every other person.  One guy (don’t know his name don’t care) starts gettin in J’s face, and just when I realize i’m kinda gettin turned on by all this, production swoops in and diffuses the situation.  Sidenote-At the end of the day, anyone who thinks they are playing for actual love, or a real relationship is a moron.  So, ultimately, does it really make a diff who fucked who before they came, or even who still has something goin on with someone at home?  Like, take a fucking xanax, and getcha some dick, Lea.  It’s gonna be alright.

Bedtime.  Batshit climbs into Ellen’s bed wearing only a towel, and Ellen interviews that “It’s about to go down like Pop-cone”.  Gross.  It’s not clear if they’re actually hooking up, and I think I’d rather not know.  This is our only clue-

My entire early 20′s summed up in 1 statement

They get caught doing whatever they’re doing by the others and decide to go do a confessional.  Batshit leads them in a very moving prayer about her first “white-boy” experience, and something about him having a huge schlong.

I’m thinkin she should pray for a hairbrush next.  Just an idea.

AMEN!  Commercial.

Lea asks Amber if she’d like to join her in jumping in the pool with their clothes on “like some bad bitches”.  Maybe she meant “like attention-seeking, desperate, bored, bor-ING bitches”?

“Oh, my goodness gracious!  Oopsie! I’m sooooo embarrassed!”

Just sayin’

They are dumb, and I’d rather shave my choch with buffalo sauce and a pocket-knife than see any more of this scene, so FF.

Next morning.  Lea’s not mad anymore, so she and Ryan make up.  Yawn.

Time to choose today’s dates.  Amber walks to Robert’s room and asks him through the door if he wants to join her on the date today, he says yes, and she reminds him to wash his balls.  Classy.

Lea asks Benz, who i’ve never seen before, along on her date RIGHT IN FRONT OF RYAN!  He’s totally butt hurt, and lets us know via interview by stating that he’s “over it” (universal “im sooo NOT over it” declaration), and it’s hilarious.  Natalie asks out Jason (yay!), and they agree on some sort of alliance, which should definitly pan out just like all “alliances” on reality tv do. (Insert eyeroll here).  Jason scurries downstairs to tell the group, and Amber is pissed cause he’s supposed to be “Team Amber”.  Not today, Bitch.  He tells us that he’s totally two-faced but REMEMBER-he’s playing the game how it’s supposed to be played.  WORD.

All the daters arrive at some place that has go-karting.  I hate go-karts.  And riding in them.  And people who like go-karting.  And ESPECIALLY people who treat it like an actual competition/contest.  Enough about me, let’s get ack to the 27 people on this date (I forgot that each girl gets 2 additional dude’s to bring along for a reason I have yet to figure out).  The whole thing is corney, boring, and pointless.  Let’s head back to the house and see if we can catch Ryan sniffing Lea’s panties.

No such luck. He is sitting around the dining room table playing a drinking game with the others, and look who shows up!

I love her so much, that i’ll forgive the outfit.

LOVE.HER.  She came to have a pow-pow with Ryan to tell him what a vagina he is.  Well, not in those words.  She just asks him if he “popped off” last night, and he says yes.  He actually just acted like a major tool, but to-ma-o, to-mah-to.  She tells him he’s losing control of the game, and he needs to “fix it”.  She has zero suggestion of how to do so, and neither do I.  Last I saw, Lea wasn’t mad about the shit anymore, but I seriously can’t spend one more second on this brain-numbing storyline.

Back at dates.  Batshit tells us that since she’s HBIC, she gets VIP treatment, meaning she and her boys get champange, while the others get to drink beer.  Call me whittrash, but i’ll take the beer, thankyouverymuch.  Batshit is taking this time to do what Batshit does-Run her mouth, being boisturous and loud, talking a ton of shit about everyone just to fuck with them.  So, the others choose to ignore her and enjoy their own date, refusing to give her the attention she’s seeking.  GOTCHA!!!  They are all getting progressivly into rage-mode, and Lea finally jumps up and starts yelling “Slap me bitch!!!”  over and over, while walking toward Batshit’s table.  Bat and her dates (Jason and Ellen) find this hilarious, and Bat clearly got exactly what she wanted.  Amber’s date, Robert, yells “Keep talking shit over there on your date with Elton John, and Vin Diesel!”  Hahaha.  Ok, that was pretty funny.  Funny, but inaffective (see below image)

Mission. Accomplished.

Back at the house.  Hanging out poolside, Lea is still fuming.  She proceeds to continue RUNNING HER MOUTH to Batshit, telling her all she does is run her mouth.  Her hypocracy is just exhausting at this point.  Oh, and she says “I’m over it!” like 4x in a row.  It’s time for Bat to inform the 3 guys she’s chosen that they are up for elimination.  She finds Benz first, and explains to him why she chose him (basically cause Lea likes him), and he’s 100% silent through the entire scene, so  I totes love him.  Seriously, this is his reaction.

The NON-reaction, if you will

She meets with Ryan, and then Robert to break the news.  Ryan isn’t surprised, and Robert doesn’t care.  Benz decides he’ll handle the pretend-stress of the situation by getting drunk as hell (suh-weet!), and Ryan has opted to write a letter, or as he puts it “I’m gonna use my pen as my gun, and my words will be my ammunition”.  EEw. What planet is this guy from? He’s gotta go, people.  He turns my stomach.

Elimination.  Taneisha asks the three nominees if they’d like to say anything before their fate is chosen.  Robert says some lame shit about how he alreadt tells them how he feels about them, and if he has to explain anything to them at this point, then he should be eliminated.  Benz is hot, and intoxicated, so when it’s his turn, he gets all quiet and pensive, then he looks at Batshit and goes “What are you DOING?” Hahahahaha. He goes through a rant of sorts, subtly shedding light on Batshit’s behaviors, motives, antics, and how pathetic it all is.  He doesn’t really even say very much, but what he does say, and how he says it is intimidating, real, genius, and reeeally hot.  He makes her look super dumb, and evil, and it’s the only time I’ve ever seen anyone shut her the fuck up.  YAY!  Ugh.  Here we go with fucking Shakespeare and his undying love for Lea.  He pulls out his letter, stands up, and begins reading.

If he cries, this recap is immediatly over

He totally spills his guts, getting less and less attractive by the word.  He goes on for a while about how smart, fun, beautiful, sweet, etc Lea is, and I’m pissed that no one has pointed out to me that it’s opposite day today.  Damn you!  Opposite day is my fave day EVA! Everyone is bored and unmoved, including Lea.  Tanesha asks Amber, and Lea to make their decision.  I have no clue why, but they automatically agree to keep Robert safe, and off he goes.  Amber pretty much tells Lea she doesn’ give a shit since the two left are Lea’s guys, so it’s all up to her.  She tells Benz that they always have a connection when together, but he’s a risk (why, exactly?).  However, Ryan is a total whackjob, and Lea’s lost interest in him by this point (my assumption), so she gives him the boot by making it sound like she’s doing him a favor.  He takes it better than expected, cause GUESS WHAT!!??-

“I AM in love with my girlfriend *snifflefakesniffle*, so it IS time for me to go home and be with her *snifflefakesniffle*…”

I hope his plane home crashes.

Next week, fights, fights, and more fights.  All of which I assume will be broken up before we are blessed with any bloodshed.  Thanks for readin’!

Tmurdaxoxoxo

P.S. Cherie- I have reached a whole new respect for you.  This show is B.A.D. However you make this shit so funny is beyond me. Kisses.