***More Christmas recap goodness from Dear Crabby! Merry X!!
We open It’s a Wonderful Life in Bedford Falls, New York, so already we’ve been lied to. We hear many voices in prayer asking God to help George Bailey, and I’m guessing he was naughty not nice. They really should be writing to Santa. One voice says, “He never thinks about himself, God, that’s why he’s in trouble.” This is exactly what Oprah and Dr. Phil say to harried mothers!
As could be expected with a Frank Capra movie, the prayers all float up into the heavens and a bunch of constellations start talking to each other like it’s The Twilight Zone. One voice says that they will need to send someone down to help a man named George Bailey. “Right, George Bailey,” another voice says. “Tonight’s his crucial night.” Is he losing his virginity?
The voices decide to send someone named Clarence who they admit has the I.Q. of a rabbit but the faith of a child. Either way, sounds like Clarence is taking the short bus to see George. When Clarence shows up as a dot next to the voices’ constellations, he asks if George is sick. “No, worse – he’s discouraged.” I’ve been sick and I’ve been discouraged and I think the former is worse, unless the discouragement is in the form of a dead-end job, then I’m too discouraged to think about it.
“At 10:40pm earth time, that man will be thinking about throwing away God’s greatest gift,” says one of the voices. He’s going to throw away dark chocolate? “Oh dear, his life!” Clarence says. Okay, let’s go with that.
Clarence asks if he accomplishes his mission, could he become a full-fledged angel by getting his wings? Way to think about yourself, Clarence! So typical of the clergy and related professions. And how the hell have you been flying around until now, jet pack? One voice asks what book Clarence is reading and it turns out to be The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. The voice tells him that if he helps George Bailey, he’ll get his wings. How did reading Tom Sawyer help that situation? Maybe I should put a copy on my desk at work. Next to my voodoo dolls of the exec team.
So they begin to tell Clarence George’s history. One of the voices asks Clarence to pay attention and Clarence says he can’t see anything. “Oh, I forgot, you haven’t gotten your wings yet,” the voice says. Uh, where were you 5 seconds ago when we talked about that? Stupid voices, pay attention!
The picture clears and we see a group of boys playing in the snow and sliding down a hill. Turns out it’s 1919 and George is just a boy of twelve. Pay attention, there may be a math quiz later. George slides down the hill on a shovel with the handle between his legs. I’m guessing Clarence will be saving George’s balls when he slams into something? I mean, you’re just asking for a rupture with that kind of activity.
Get ready for a pounding, testes!