It’s a Wonderful Life – PSYCH!

George asks where Mary is but Clarence can’t tell him (can’t or won’t, bitch?). He grabs Clarence by the collar and begs to know where she is. “You’re not going to like it, George,” Clarence says. Oh no, she’s a hooker! “She’s an old maid! She never married! She’s just about to close up the library!”

Okay, so Mary is a career woman without a husband or kids to wear her down? I’m sorry, why is that bad? An old maid is worse than being a hooker? Oh Frank Capra, BLOW ME.

George tosses Clarence to the ground and runs to the Potterville Library to find Mary. Wow! I think the worse news is that Mary stopped plucking her eyebrows. No wonder she’s an old maid – unibrow!

You may want to pick a different LinkedIn photo.

George accosts her and keeps calling her name but she runs down the street away from him. He grabs her and says, “What happened to us?” She screams and wriggles away from him, running into a bar. He calls her his wife and she screams and passes out. Smooth.

Rely on a man? AAAAAHHHH!

People call the police and we hear sirens. The police show up and George punches one of them. The policeman shoots after George and the funny thing is, it looks like he shot out the “V” and “I” in the lighted “Potterville” sign.

Seriously…were they shooting real bullets at James Stewart?

George runs back to the bridge and begs Clarence to bring him back to his family. “I want to live again! I want to live again! Please let me live again!” he cries. What a wuss.

Goddammit, George, pull yourself together!

The policeman friend of his sees him on the bridge and calls after him. George still thinks he doesn’t exist and threatens to hit the cop again. But then he realizes the cop knows him. And his mouth is bleeding. IT’S ALIVE!

Goodnight, Bedford Falls! We love ya!

He runs back to his car and it’s there! He runs downtown and the sign reads, “Bedford Falls.” YAY! He runs through the whole town wishing it Merry Christmas like a drunkard. He wishes Potter a Merry Christmas and Potter’s like rot in jail you hoodlum! Does he celebrate Kwanzaa instead?

Eat my shit, Potter!

George runs into his house and the only people in the foyer are the bank examiner, a reporter, and a guy serving a warrant. I’m sorry, but who let these morons in? Are the kids safe? And would the bank examiner really be working on Christmas Eve in the first place?

Strange men in my house with a camera
and my unsupervised kids? JACKPOT!

George sees his kids at the top of the stairs and hugs them. Mary, who was out looking for George, comes back in the house. She looks at the strangers and runs right by them to hug George. See, now I’d be like GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE STRANGER DANGER!

Mary pulls George downstairs and into the living room while stranger dangers look on. Mary goes to the door and invites everyone in – they brought a basket full of money to help out – all donations from the townspeople. Don’t these people have families? Or lives? Everyone has donated to help George Bailey – even Violet who has decided to stay.

Oh, sure, but when I do laundry all I get is a basket full of lint!

All the people thank George for what he’s done for them, then a telegram is in from London – Sam Hee-Ha Wainwright has authorized $25,000 for George to have and use as he needs! So someone was able to get ahold of Sam, huh? Guess George didn’t try that hard.

The entire group begins to sing “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” or whatever that song is called. The bank examiner donates some money and the man there to serve the warrant tears it up because even though George stole the money, people donated enough for his bail and he’s good to go. I love movie law.

No, really, Princess Leia hair works on you.

Hey! It’s Harry! He shakes George’s hand and says he left in the middle of his celebration when he got Mary’s telegram. Damn, she’s been busy! Harry makes a toast. “To my big brother George, the richest man in town.” Everyone cheers and George looks stunned because he realizes he really is. Except for the fact that he has no money and the Building and Loan is down $8,000.

I got all the good stuff you didn’t! Sucker!

They all start singing “Auld Lang Syne” as George picks up a copy of Tom Sawyer that was left on the pile of money. Unless it’s a first edition, that ain’t going to help! Inside there’s an inscription: “Dear George – Remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings! Love, Clarence.” A bell on the tree rings and one of the Bailey kids says, “Teacher says when a bell rings an angel gets his wings.” George says, “That a boy, Clarence.” Singing and singing.

Clarence’s bell is ringing! Thatswhatshesaid!

When do they beat the shit out of Potter? That’s my favorite part! It always seems to get edited out when they show this on TV. Damn you, NBC.

Now that’s more like it!

Merry Christmas Gasmii! Oh, I said it.

This reminds me…I need to buy a lottery ticket.