Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency: Good Hair, Better People

“The only way this agency is going to work, the only way these models are going to get to the next level is if I live, eat, sleep, breath with them under the same roof.” Thus begins crazymorning at the crazyville mansion in crazytown, US Crazy. Of which Janice Dickenson is the mayor. I sorta wish the world worked like this. In order for an enterprise to be successful, we had to “get to to the next level” through really, really close contact. Hell, I’m trying it now. Who wants to go down to Gold’s Gym with my friend Mr. Crowbar and pick out some fancy hardbodies to “get to the next level” with? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

So here’s who we have in the house so far, in terms of old Model-age: Maurice (manly manly), Kehoe (date rapist) and Crystal (blonde? Boring? Doe-eyes? Meh. I’ll think of a goodie soon, I’m sure.

Puddin’ Face? Skeletor?

And how does Janice begin the morning? With some early-morning bitchin,’ of course! The models need to work out, the models need to eat a healthy breakfast, blah blah blah. Know what I eat for breakfast? A piping hot bowl of awesome (with Activia). It’s a big day for the Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency (the agency, not the show) because the Kentucky Denim Jeans shoot is happening today! Wohoo! Get out your confederate flags and your washboard abs, models!

Know what’s even better, prolly, than seeing Janice Dickenson’s beef-jerky face in the morning? Seeing Brian “Date Rape” Kehoe bathing in your pool.

Crystal, where did he touch you?!?

Oh, wait, Kehoe isn’t masturbating poolside to the thought of Frat Party sexual aggression, he’s working out and cleaning himself in the same place. Know what other creature does that? A Pig. Believe me, I know . I have a couple. It’s a little dirty at Casa awesome, but we always have bacon for breakfast. Huzzah!

Kehoe, getting back to his laps.

Chandler “fetal alcohol syndrome” Maness is super excited about the Kentucky Denim photo shoot. Why is this guy always excited? Is it his wideset eyes? His chronic memory loss? The thought of the long term effects of the prenatal binge drinking of his mother? Any way, he’s always “really” excited about…pretty much everything. Even oatmeal. Fetal alcohol wants to write a song about oatmeal! Man, give this man an etch-a-sketch, or a paperweight to play with. Something.

Chandler’s boner moment.

Of course, Martin, a pick of Kentucky Jeans, is super exited. Why? 1. He booked Kentucky Denim. 2. He will never hear Janice Dickenson or any of the models’ voices. 3. See number 2. Jerry Ferris, Martin’s interpreter, is sorta cute, too. I’d double date ‘em.

There’s a lot to interpret in the back seat of my car.

Of course, Martin feels alienated sometimes by…his deafness. Or maybe that he’s in a house with models and lots of cameras and camera crews and that he’s gorgeous. Maybe? Believe me, Martin, nothing these people say is worth hearing. I PROMISE. But back to the models that inspire less compassion…namely, everyone else: while Xian is busy doing housework, Kehoe is busy tryin’ to get busy. With Xian. I love how Kehoe “feels like having a girlfriend.” I doubt Xian feels the same way, unless “girlfriend” means “Turkey dinner with all the fixins’.” Selina, the most boring looking model in the world, is walking around in her bra. Seriously, she looks like a cross between the head of my student council cabinet in high school and a bowl of oatmeal. Come on, Selina. Date Rape’s in HEAT. Do you really want to take the chance? At least she calls Kehoe a douchebag to his face.

XIan seems to agree.

And, of course, he way Kehoe talks to the cameras in the testimonial sections of the show affirms his douchebagginess: he undulates his neck like he’s all sassy and talks about how all the girls make out with him. Nice, Kehoe. Keep up the Klass, will ya? Soon you’ll be soliciting sixteen year olds by the overpass and saying shit like “I was a model once” and, “if you don’t get into this van you won’t be gettin’ no STDS this morning…I mean, lollipops. I mean, werthers originals” You know, cause he’ll be old pretty soon. And, you know, old people like butterscotch candies. Soon Kehoe’s obnoxious advances towards Xian and Selina get old, so Kehoe decides to torment Martin. Another reason you were blessed with deafness, Martin. Really, it seems much more of a gift than a detriment, don’t you think?

As Janice cleans the house (yeah right), she happens upon the lady-models having a little girl talk. Of course, Janice decides to park her beef-jerky ass on a bunk bed and braid some hair! yay! Let the backhanded bitching thinly veiled as girl talk begin! Crystal has a non-model boyfriend and Janice tells Hazuki to stop piercing herself. I mean, unless it’s botox, then you can (as evidenced by Janice) use your head as a fucking pin cushion. But ear peircings? Out of the question. Hazuki is informed that she’s going to be the new Crystal. Wha? Last time I checked, Hazuki was Japanese and Crystal was…from Jersey? That’s all I can deduce from all that damned frosted makeup she wears. And, her jumpsuits. Oh, but the bitching doesn’t end there. Janice’s biggest concern with the models is…germs. What, not STDS? Janice, self-proclaimed germaphobe, is concerned with the models cleanliness and won’t let anyone forget that… well, they’re disgusting. And, that J dogg (Janice “Tales from the Crypt” Dickenson) has no boundaries. And yeah, I just called her J dogg.

Let’s saran wrap Janice and call it a day.

“Cleanliness is holiness,” Janice says, as her and that weird-ass security guard with a cutoff shirt disenfect the model house. If that’s true, does holiness equal cleanliness? Cause then Hazuki is super-clean, too. Get it? Cause she has earrings and shit. HAHAHAHA. Yeah, I’m awesome.

But the girl talk doesn’t end as Janice feverishly makes Ikea bunk beds. Janice and Crystal talk about Kehoe’s “peenie” when he was scrubbing down in the pool that morning. Eww, I think even talking about Kehoe’s peens gives people STDS. I know these things because I’m a doctor. In the end, Janice gets fed up making beds and cleaning because she’s stressing her zombie-eque fake nails. And you know, you can’t do shit with fake nails. Except yell. And, look like jerky.

But, much like the mind of a goldfish, Janice’s voice over flits from one subject to another, one activity to the next. Next on the ridicule-block is Traci, the mallrat who seems to be able to put sentences together. Janice is surprised so many companies seem to be interested in Traci’s fat ass. Dude, I’d love to see an eating contest between Xian and Traci. I bet Xian would win out of the sheer love of the binge. In disappointment, Traci would do some serious retail therapy at the nearest Forever 21. Get this girl a peasant shirt in pink, will ya? STAT.

So Traci and J Dogg have a “little chat.” Traci isn’t amused by Janice’s antics, which is why I actually like her. Janice plainly makes fun of her weight, and, upon being asked to live in the model house, Traci is anything but thrilled.

Are you sure, uh, that there’s a bunk big enough for me? (gulp)

The Kentucky Denim Photo Shoot, held at the *glamourous* Santa Anita Racetrack, gets the models chompin’ at the bit (get it?) to horse around (I’m awesome) in front of the cameras. Liat Tala, owner of Kentucky Inbred Jeans, sort of looks like Morticia Adams crossed with the Pillsbury dough boy. Can’t this show draw bigger clientelle? Or do they just get lost in Janice’s wrinkles before they get a chance to be on TV? The photographer makes Kehoe and Dominic wrestle (or, wrastle,as I like to say it) amid sprinklers and hoses, and nobody’s more pleased than I to see two men a’wrastlin’ on a bright SoCal day. Even better, though, is that Dominic beats the SHIT outta Kehoe. I think Dominic is my new favorite model. Even better, Dominic, would you like to run for president? We’ll have your abs on bumper stickers, cross the country. Stick with me, kid. Stick with me.

More Premium buttcrack by Kehoe.

Martin, of course, gets nervous about the whole deaf thing before the shoot. God, he looks so incredibly uncomfortable on a tractor. It’s ridiculous. It’s like he’s never seen a piece of machinery in his life, and is holding in a dump. Still, Kentucky Inbred Jeans seems to dig him.

Don’t have a caption for this. Still thinking of Kehoe’s beatdown.

Janice leaves her coffin to make an appearance at the shoot, and is pleased by Martin’s constipated-looking photographs. Geez, Martin’s teeth are so white. Just sayin.’ Everybody seems to..enjoy Janice and the models? Is this for real?

Back at the house, Xian is made the head chef (ha) and makes a meal for the models and Janice. There’s a lot wrong with this picture, though. 1st off, are any of the models actually going to want to eat anything? I mean, don’t they eat like, lean pockets or cottage cheese or something for dinner? Second of all, even if the models actually do want to eat, I think that there is no guarantee Xian won’t eat the smorgasbord herself. I mean, she’s a hungry, growing fatty. Right? Chandler still seems to have a boner for Xian, even as she struggles to work really hard contraptions like..ovens and microwaves.

Outside the kitchen, Janice invites Dr. Dorfman, a dentist, to come do some work on the ol’ models. Dr. Bill….ew. Please don’t touch the models. You seem…greasy n’ gross. Still he manages to put his paws all over Polina, alien-face. Watch out Dr. Dorfman, I think her spittle’s made of like, turpentine or some other sort of highly acidic alien juice. I only know this because I made out with an alien, once, and it was like I got mouth-sunburned. Still, we dated for like, a year. Go figure.

I SAID, OPEN UP FOR THE NICE MAN!

Polina makes up some story about being a kid in Russia and banging her little jaw on a swing. I mean, I’m not saying she’s lying, I’m just saying replace Russia with saturn and swing with spacecraft. That’s all I’m saying….

Xian’s meal goes over well, even with J dogg, who only eats once a year, and even then, I think she only eats like, botox burgers. Even creepy ol Dr. Dorfman likes Xian’s food! He’s like the guy down the block with that nice police-monitoring ring around his ankle. Yay!

Oh, but there are more surprises in store…apparently, it is totally cool and hygenic to cut one’s hair inside a big house with lots of people. And who’s it gonna be? Hazuki, of course. Why? because she’s sorta boring, or at least isn’t getting fat or dating Janice’s son. Come on, hair cuttery makes for great TV, just watch Top Model, a real show about real budding models. So, it goes, and Hazuki gets a nice, soccer-mom bob.

Gotcher Hair, bitch!

Apparently, it’s also a big moment for Crystal, because she, too got her hair cut once. Wow. this show is jam-packed with well-deserved tears and auspicious occasions. I love how emotional people get about hair. It seems so…justified. In every way.

Precious Moments.

The drama doesn’t end there, folks! Forget Hazuki, she’s too grateful and placid. Back to Kehoe. Right? Always back to Kehoe. All the girls in the house hate him. Traci and Kehoe argue over sharing a bed, which makes me dislike Traci, now. Come on, sometimes you’re cool, and sometimes…you want to sleep in the same bed as Kehoe? what’s up? Do you have a raging case of scabies that need to be shared? Or maybe you have some sort of contagious rash that (cross your fingers) you want to give to Kehoe. Still, I don’t get it. And, watch your drink.

Chandler, of course, is pissed at Kehoe because he wants to go to bed early. Is there ANYTHING interesting about Chandler, besides having fetal alcohol syndrome? Janice is pissed at Kehoe’s behavior, too, but she’s sure as hell not going to let him out of the house. I mean, he’s obviously great T.V. And, all of his T shirts somehow say her name on them.

Dr. Dentist Creepy invites the models back to his “doctors office” to do “dental work.” Sorin, cutoff shirt bodyguard, awkwardly flirts with Crystal while she’s getting her teeth whitening. Man, that’s hot. Call Sorin Mr. Smooth. How come all of these models are such horrible flirts? I mean, even bugs do mating dances. These models…

Polina’s teeth are fixed by the Dentist, and the models lounge around the pool. Janice, of course, lets them “Kick out the Jams” (her words, not mine) at the pool (also known as Kehoe’s bathtub). All the models are there, even CC porn star, looking pornier than ever. Maurice, the introspective one, muses on the shortcomings of being trapped in a big house hosted by crazy zombie Janice. It “almost makes you a little crazy.” So insightful, Maurice. Do you have a Ph.D? Because I do, in modelology. And I deem Dominic delicious (remember? He beat up Kehoe!).

Eeww…and now maybe I do believe that Polina is human. She, like so many Russians who come to America, like “older men” who are “more serious.” Come to think of it, I did see her in my Russian mail-order bride catalogue. Yeah, I order brides. What? Some of us collect stamps, or bottle caps. I collect busty internationals who giggle a lot . What? Sue me; I have a passion.

All the while, Chandler is exercising, eating right, blah blah blah. CC wonders to Traci why Kehoe is annoying, and (like clockwork), Kehoe dumps a bucket of water on the two of them. Traci is shocked. Water! A bucket of! He’s a lot like hitler, or satan. Or, you know, somebody with a lot of STDS. Whatever.

It’s cool, though, because Martin makes fun of Kehoe. Listen to this: the deaf guy can still hear Kehoe! That’s a funny joke, but is your interpreter single? I wanna do him.

Oh yeah, then all the models have a party. Why do all the females like Maurice? Crystal walks by with a lemon tea and Kehoe tells her do do some cocaine. Why is everyone so sensitive? Isn’t blow like, on a model’s food pyramid? I have it on cheesecake all the time. Janice overhears and kicks Kehoe out of the house, which is none too soon because Kehoe starts sporting a gross baby-mustache.

Tickles like STDS