Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Spreading Drama and Disease

Another week of Janis Dickinson, another mystery as to how Kehoe exists….

This shoot features Timberlands and old Newspapers.

Now, he’s looking more like a hobo than he is a date rapist frat boy, probably because his hair’s a little longer, or something. Kehoe’s a genius, too…as evidenced by him popping in on the TinTe private shoot that seems to be shot in some sort of ramshackle, non-descript stucco nightmare.

Don’t worry, we only rent the basement units to serial rapists.

Janice, in a desperate attempt to get Hazuki out of the house and away from the TV (you’d be suprised how many channels show anime cartoons), takes Hazuki to the TinTe shoot to be photographed for free. Now, I’m not a model (unless you count my Ph.D in modelology as me being a model, but I don’t, because I’m modest like that) but does this seem um…sad and unkosher to anyone? Poor Hazuki. She’s got a nice new haircut and nobody to pay her to take her picture. And she always looks like she’s holding her head and body at a really buglike, awkward angle. Boo! Don’t worry, Hazuki, I hear they’re coming out with new bangles you can put on your cell phone! Did you hear me, bangles?

Kehoe tries to get a chance to talk to Janice, but she doesn’t let him get a word in edgewise. I mean, come on..did he really think he’d get a chance to say something amidst the barking, infantile sentence-stringing that are Janice’s voice and thoughts? Then, awkwardly, she spills like a 1/4 cup of bottled water on Kehoe’s shirt.

Take your hobo stink to another made for T.V. modeling agency!

So I guess Kehoe’s out for good. Heheheh, yeah right. Whatever the ratings call for I’m sure the JDMA will answer, I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if they drop the models in a foreign land and make them try to get back to the model house with only a 20 dollar bill and a button in their pocket. We essentially have all the skankiness of a typical elimination reality show in the JDMA….cohabitation, eliminations, hook-ups (read on, my friends!), prizes and punishments. It’s as far away from real life and a real career, but instead of a suave reality T.V. host to usher us through the drama, we have a 100 year old woman with her own tv monitoring device.

GAH!

Kehoe starts to apologize to Crystal, but Janice kicks him out of the motel 6/TinTe photo shoot again. The TinTe photo shoot is going well, but suddenly awkward Hazuki starts shooting with Nadia, Crystal and Piglet (I mean, Xian). Pillow fight, girls. But all Hazuki aside, who will be the face of TinTe????? GOD, WHOOO!!????

I would like to be the face of TinTe or maybe at Cal State Long Beach’s production of “Cabaret.”

In the end, which glamour girl gets it?

The fat one is Xian. I dunno- just pick one.

It turns out to be Xian, who looks dashing in her leather mini-girdle. Believe me, folks, she needs it.

Xian hits all of the target markets- fatties, piglet-faces and coldstone creameries.

But all isn’t well. Now, I haven’t really given much thought to the models who don’t seem weird, dumb or stupid, but it’s time that I do. Let’s talk about Nadia, the girl who almost didn’t get picked for the TinTe shoot but is now pissed that she didn’t get to be named “the face of TinTe.”



Nadia is, on all accounts, a bitch.

So, first she’s pissed the didn’t get the “best in show” award, but then she blames it on the poor makeup artist, whom she said “didn’t apply the makup in a good way.” Um, I’m pretty sure they know what they’re doing Nadia. Remember: makeup artists are called ARTISTS. They don’t call models model-artists. And you are certainly not an artist, unless teeth-whitening is an art (it isn’t).

Eeew. Get your Artist Hands off of me.

More and more, I like Crystal, because she’s actually gracious and is happy for Xian. I mean, I’m happy for Xian, too, because she’s a natural beauty, with a face to die for. She’s going to go far, right? Right?

I call this picture: “MMBBFGGFGHHHMMPH”, or, “champion piglet.”

Another perfunctory event occurs in the house after the TinTe shoot: Janice brings her she-spawn, Savannah, into the model house to ask the models trivia questions about history. I see a LOT of problems with this:

1. Why isn’t Janice’s kid living with her? Oh wait, we’re taking about Janice Dickinson. Okay, next.

2. Why does an 8th grader need history help from models? It’s like a blind person leading a less blind person. Or, like asking models to help with ANYTHING aside from looking pretty or weird. It just doesn’t. Make. Sense.

3. She looks like a gayer version of her brother, Nathan. And not at all like Janice, although that isn’t necessarily a problem. At all.

Hey, I’m Savannah. This is old man river, my Mom. She was born in 389 B.C.E., so how old would that make her? Oh wait, that’s more math than history. My bad.

The models, of course, are clueless.

Wow, that history notebook sure is shiiinny. How do you concentrate in class?

This has got to be just an open mockery of the Models’ intellect. Traci asserts that she doesn’t believe in “history facts or politics.” Really? I liked you once, Traci…now you do seem like more of a drowned mallrat than ever. You always looked so concerned, and i think I mistook that for….I dunno…thoughts….?



Chandler, on the other hand, is getting all of the questions, even the hard ones!

“That’s the first Amendment. Oh, and I made a poopy.”

“Gee, I sure wish Janice’s daughter’s head was a ham sandwich.”

I love seeing the models out of their element. Maurice tries to defend his dumbness by saying that he’s more of a “math and scientologist” than a history guy. Ohhh, GOT IT. Awesome, Maurice. And Polina seems to be the dumbest of all, not knowing who Stalin is, with her being Russian and all.

Oh god oh god oh god please don’t pick me….

Actually, it makes sense that she wouldn’t know it, because that reinforces my theory that she’s a FUCKING SPACE ALIEN. YEAH, from OUTER SPACE. You heard me. THE COSMOS. Still, she’s sooo stupid. Even Chandler-fetal-alcohol-syndrome is making fun of her. And so went JDMA Trivia, and then it was probably time for little Savannah to, I dunno, do some botox JR before bed. Remember: you’re never too young for plumping.

For christmas I want to not look like my mom. Ever.

Later that evening, we finally get to see a little flirty-flirty going on between fetal alcohol syndrome Chandler and Piglet XIan. And oh yes, it’s awkward.

Next we’ll make uncooked macaroni necklaces and I’ll eat them! Will you be my boyfriend?

Xian thinks Fetal Alcohol is “intelligent” and “offbeat.” And yeah, also had “too much alcohol in the womb (that’s a direct quote).” Traci, ever the more abrasive in my eyes, finds a note from Xian to Chandler hamfistedly congratulating him on knowing basic world history. She slips it under Janice’s door and goes to bed…

Traci: Mallrat Ninja.

The next morning Janice finds the note before buttcrack-of-dawn yoga.

If Xian dates Chandler, I will rip Xian’s lips off, make a necklace out of them and make her wear it.

The models, all groggy and fetus-looking, do their best at contorting their bodies. It seems like more and more models are slowly sneaking into the house, or like, are lounging around at odd hours. Anyhow, this is sort of funny:

It’s like, funny, but also an analogy for JDMA. Okay, that’s less World History and more English Lit. My bad.

Oh, and here’s for more douchebaggery to replace Kehoe: The Ed Hardy Representatives Steve Barston and Nathan Romano come to the house to pick them up some grade A model-meat for their line of walking-anus wear. I mean, loungewear. Whatever. They immediately want Peyton for the face of their asshole product line. Of course, I nominate Kehoe but whatever, you can’t always get what you want in life. Janice suggests shooting the photographs on the deck of U.S.S. Crazy (the model house). GREAT IDEA. And they agree. How serendipitous.



Paul Vandervourt, another indescript white boring model-guy, talks to Janice about his being a short-ass…the shortest model in the house at 5’10. He seems totally lame, and Janice answers him with a totally lame answer: you just have to fight and work and all that shit. Janice says that she had to “kick down major doors” when she was modeling (because being a beautiful brunette is SOOO Tough) and to keep up the good work.

Here’s a Trivia question: who is this woman? Here’s a hint: she doesn’t actually play basketball. I think she might even be older than basketball…

Oh, and the canoodleing between piglet and Chandler don’t stop! Janice checks in on their awkward straddling and mumbles spells to herself…

Another hint: it isn’t the gay on the right.

Janice confronts Xian the next day, and says I want you to make good choices, blah blah blah. Of course, Xian bitches about the difficulties of being beautiful and Janice agrees. Ugh. Nothing I hate more than beautiful people bitching about beautiful people. And Xian? Really? She’s like an extra on the twilight zone episode where everyone’s a pig-person.

Xian Inspires fear and calorie consumption.

Next, Peyton suits up in his douchebag-gear and gets some pics taken of him. But what? Peyton isn’t the only model chosen to be one of the faces of douchebaggery- no! Paul “Munchkin” Vandersomethingorother, Traci and Gavyn get picked to ride the anus-train. Gavyn could be my douchebag any day…dayyyummn. He’s like a mixture between Paul Rudd and that doctor from Northern Exposure, minus a few years and a sharp wit. MMMMMM.

Gavyn, my adonis in douche-wear.

So then Traci had to get all up on Peyton, which the show makes seem like a big deal. Okay, I’m sure models have to get all on each others’ junk and shit, like all the time. But, of course, spreading drama and disease are some of the mainstays of JDMA (the fake agency and the show). Ah well.

Peyton calls his homely girlfriend to tell her that…he’s working? Around boobies? Peyton, you’re a goddamned model- that’s what you SHOULD be doing. That’s what you’re GOOD FOR. Later, Traci and Paul Vanderlame-owitz make out, causing more token attention to something that seems like an industry commonplace.

Makeout Dongfest.

Speaking of making out- wishing to, hoping to… did I mention Gavyn was onset? Oh yeah. Ehhhh. Back in the house, Maurice tries to get in Polina Alien-face’s pants by cooking her dinner. Come on, you’re going to have to get more creative than that! These alien types are VERY crafty. They can smell fear and carrot cake, for chrissakes. OKay, Polina ALWAYS looks like a prostitute. And how come she’s always in the sluttiest white dress? Is that, like, pared down alien spacewear so she can live in earth’s cruel atmosphere? I’m a scientist, but this is just speculation. And during dinner, I find it strange that they have to eat off of paper plates. What, there are no real plates and cutlery in the house? True, the models might hurt themselves, but come on. Maurice makes chicken Teriyaki and, suprise suprise, Polina HATES chicken Teriyaki, further supporting that she is not from this earth. Of course, I wouldn’t eat anything Maurice gave me, yeesh, but come on. It’s chicken and sugary-saucy goodness. What’s not to like?

Serin awkwardly snaps a picture of Maurice and Polina after Polina gives Maurice a final (albeit demure) shoot-down.

Ahhh…makin’ awkward Memories.

And who can forget Mr. Marty hearing impaired, who is acting as the house spy by observing everything. Boring, Martin- we already have cameras and 24 hour surveillance for that, duh. But then- Kehoe tries to come back yet AGAIN! And, he looks showered…or maybe just greasy? Janice still doesn’t want to see his date-rape face, though.

Serin forgoes his fake-ish bodyguard duties to give Crystal a massage (ugh, Crystal, really? He wears a cut-off tank top as his WORK OUTFIT. Really?) And janice gets really pissed and grabs Serin and pushes him. And, that’s it.

So? What will become of my litte date rapist kehoe? I’m beginning to miss him. And next week…stripclasses? Who will get an erection and who try to to hold onto their last vestiges of heterosexuality?? WHO???