Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Nightmare Island

This week on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Merlin Castell comes in with whip in hand, picking models for his couture show. Crystal is called “too commercial” and Gremlin has difficulty with the models’ walks and looks. Chandler calls Traci a slut and Janice has a little chit-chat with him, an the next day Crystal is picked, along with a bunch o’ others, for the Merlin show. Cindera Che comes to show the models how to be sexy and drama ensues when Crystal picks Chandler to dance on and Xian picks Danny. Later, the guys talk about who the prettiest model is, and Paul digs Traci while Chandler reveals he slept in the pool boat with Crystal. Ooo! Paul confesses to Traci his true feelings and she shuts him down (but not without a delightfully awkward kiss) and the Merlin show goes without a hitch.

How many plastic lips does one woman need?

Howdy folks. What’s shakin’? I want to apologize to you loyal readers for consistently misspelling Janice Dickinson’s name. Yeah, I’m an idiot. Wait, let me prove to you I’m awesome: does anyone have a bear? ‘Cause I’ll wrestle it.

This weeks episode starts with Paul Villancourt swoooooning over Mallrat Traci. You know Paul? He’s the insecure shorty who looks like a Ken doll. Yeah, we’ll see what Trace face says later. For now, let’s delve right into the next crazy publicity-stunt casting. And this week- it’s couture with a side of CRAZY. Well, mostly just crazy. With a side of leather whip and optional pepper spray (I carry it around with me at all times, just in case I need something peppered).

Merlin Castell, said couture designer enters the JDMA model stable looking for fresh young girls to kidnap and bring back to his lair. And by lair, I mean, under his gay, gay drawbridge. And by drawbridge I mean horse and carriage of the mind. Cripes, this guy is APESHIT.

Hi, I’m Merlin. My mom was a scottish setter and my Dad was zorro. I currently am in the lollipop guild.

For real, though, this guy is like 5’2 and looks like an extra from the feature film critters 3. Yeah, great film, right up there with Kubrick or Mizoguchi.

Coming to a model house near you.

Anyhoo, Merlin-Gremlin comes in and promptly makes Janice get him a martini. Okay, maybe I sorta like him, if he didn’t look like he was out of Grey Gardens.

See? couture headwraps make people crazy.

Gremlin wants a “Barbarella”-themed couture show, but as the girls parade their gawky selves around gremlin is less than impressed. He somehow wants these dough-brained models to walk like, I dunno, weird brokeback hooker horses. What gives? Gremlin, they’re pretty, skinny models on a T.V. show. It’s like asking the Hills girls to do, I dunno, a rap video. Sure, they were put on this earth to disgust and entertain the masses, but they’re really only around to be quiet, gossipy and uncreative. Gremin says the girls walk like “soccer players?” I don’t even know what that means. Maybe Gremlin ate to many magic beans or golden eggs or some shit. Honestly.

J Dick parades out her prize stallion, Crystal Trueheart, and Gremlin calls her “too commercial.” Really? because I think she looks like a Bratz doll, especially when her hair’s all foofy.

Is Crystal’s hair for hire? I think I need some dishes scoured.

Gremlin keeps touting this damned show, calling it “20 minutes of orgasm.” Really? What counts as an orgasm for a Gremlin? Wait, let me consult my Slimer Ecto-cooler. Ecto-cooler, what say you? What? I’m awesome. Okay, cool. Not an answer to my question, but I’ll take it. Slurp.

God, Gremlin and his bizarre, cirque-de-soliel style of fucktasm is going to haunt my dreams. Really, this JDMA is getting me to the core. But then Gremlin calls Xian and Traci overweight, so maybe I like him.

Fatty Patrol.

Gremlin and his crew of merry men are unimpressed by Janice’s models, but that doesn’t phase them from getting the publicity that they so feel they deserve.

Later that night, Big Brother Janice overhears Chandler badmouthing Mallrat, calling her “a slut in all the wrong ways.” Which is probably true, if whining and being fat and shopping are all parts of slut-dom. Janice has one of her little sit-downs with Chandler, which usually accomplishes nothing (Polina, anyone?) but still seems dramatic nonetheless. Then Janice spews more nonsense at Chandler-fetal-alcohol like “I’m a three headed ape if Traci is a virgin” and “you could be president.” Wha? President of what? Dickinsoncrazyville, U.S.A.? Oh, wait, that position is taken. Town fatty? That position is taken as well. Gremlin-in-residence? Also taken. How about villager-afflicted-with-fetal-alcohol-syndrome-lame-ass? There we go. Applications are due in my office by 9 past Michael Jackson.

I love how fetal alcohol is all holier than thou, too, saying that he calls people names because they’re boring and stupid. What about you, Chandler?

Having horrible facial hair does not make you smart.

Wearing bracelets from Spencer Gifts does not make you smart.

Carrying around a pad o’ scribblins’ does not make you smart.

Because Gremlin has nothing to do but count billy goats and guard rainbows all day, he comes back to the house that evening for a fitting. Gremlin calls her commercial again, and Crystal, wavering in her confidence in being odd-looking goes to slick her hair back in hopes to look…high fashion? Okay.

Not only did I come with my hair slicked back, but I’m wearing sea glass and an old, see-through tablecloth. Am I hired?

Finally, the Gremlin hires Crystal. Geez.

The Gremlin make me work for it… (weeps)

In the end, Gremlin books Pierce, CC Slutty, Braneka, Lisa, Toi, Nadia bitch-face, Erika, Crystal, Selina the bland, Mia and Hazuki. Geez, half of these names I don’t know. Where are all the other models hiding? In the rafters of the model house? In that big fake boat out back? In Janice’s wrinkles? Who knows. I think we can all be happy that Hazuki got booked…I’m really sick of seeing her disappointed little Japanese face all mopey-mopey all the time. Hey, Hazuki. Cheer up. Have some sushi or some candy that tastes like fish. It’s your lucky day!

Settle down, Gremlin. All the models are tamed and potty trained.

Anyhoo, who fucking brings a whip to casting? Besides me, because I have to keep all the washboard chested male models off of my goods. Yeah, I don’t think Gremlin has that problem, unless maybe he has some sort of centaur problem in his magic garden where he keeps princesses to eat and barter for golden eggs. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

And for our weekly round of extraneous merry-making, Janice calls in Cindera Che, a performance coach. Actually, I think it’s Jennifer Tilly researching for her next role as an asian hipster. Or, it’s Janice if she had never had any work done on her face or body.

I loved you in seed of Chucky!

Cindera Che was absolutely flabbergasted that the models showed up in “pajamas,” (aka not a ripped up T shirt?) and told them to loose most of their clothes, which was hiding their sensuality. Too bad for Xian, her shirt was also hiding a six pack of crispy cremes she planned on wolfing down at the nearest snack break. Yeah, models get snack breaks, right? I’m the expert. Also to note, I love that Cindera Che was wearing her own shirt. Too bad it looks like it was pawed by a tiger before getting to the model house. Rowrrr!

Meanwhile, Cindera seems to be less a performance coach and more like a stripper workout instructor at a 24 hour fitness. And the models aren’t models, but fat-assed housewives hoping someday that their husbands will actually enjoy sexual intercourse again.

Holy shit we’re awkward.

I wish Mallrat had a good still of looking like an idiot, because she really didn’t seem to get the concept of slithering around like a slut in her bra and underwear. It isn’t hard- you’re models. Do it. Do it. I like how Janice and everyone seems to think Traci is a slut, but I don’t believe it. I mean, there is absolutely NOTHING sexual about Traci whatsoever, so I’m not sure where everyone’s getting this shit from, maybe Tyramail? Wait, wrong show.

Then, Gremlin stops by AGAIN. I mean, doesn’t he have some sort of fashion design job or something? Or is Spencer Gifts closed for the Jewish Holidays? Hah. Did you like how I put another Spencer Gifts reference in there? Yeah, I’m awesome.

Munchkin conference.

Cindera/Jennifer Tilly gets the models in their hottest outfits so they can..feel hot? Honestly, these models need work . I agree with Gremlin. They’re tall and skinny and pretty, and their existence on this earth is to make the shit around them look good. Come ON. It’s not rocket science. I’m talking to you, Xian.

Oy.

The boy-models get back from partying at Hooters (oh, those lucky, lucky hooters girls) and find the girl-models in their sexy clothes, which basically look like their underwear from the beginning of the class, plus one fedora. Gross. People who wear fedoras should be shot into the 1920s and left for dead. Or, just shot.

Five boys get to sit and get a little lap dance from five of the girls. After hooters? How could this day get any better? Sorin has an idea.

Chivalry isn’t dead!

J.P., the resident gay (thanks, readers for clueing me in on last season, so I don’t have to waste all my closeted homo jokes on this guy), seems unamused by this flat-chest-athon. Sorin tries to grab Crystal (ahh, does the class ever end???) and Chandler looks absolutely PAINED by his lap dance care of Hazuki. Next, the girls get to pick the guys they want to awkwardly assault and Hazuki picks Gavin hot-ass (damn you, awkward Hazuki, for getting to touch my MAN!), Crystal picks Chandler to stir up the Chandler-Xian alliance and J.P. says is isn’t cool that Crystal picks Fetal Alcohol. Yeah, those gays are always callin’ it like it is, aren’t they?

Grr. I wish Chrystal was a pork tenderloin. Then she’d know who’s boss.

Polina chooses Maurice to dance up on (surprise surprise- gah, they’re going to have THE UGLIEST WOMANIZING, BUG-BABIES EVER). And Xian decides to pick Danny because she’s all pouty that Chrystal took fetal alcohol. And Fetal Alcohol feels the pain of piglet rejection. He does, and cuts out of the strip session.

Traci, meanwhile, just wants to die. She picks Paul to dance on, and of course, he’s thrilled. So now everybody’s awkwardly clomping around in big heels and gaudy boas, and the cameras can’t resists tons of gratuitous shots of Polina’s ass. Ugh.

Mission Ass-tastic.

Again, J.P. calls it like it is and outs Maurice’s boner for hot Alien creepazoids. Nice job, Sherlock. Remember that awkward dinner? Yeah. We all know.

Xian looks cute. Traci looks better.

Danny Nunez calls Chandler a douchebag, and seems generally happy Xian’s dancing on him. Hmmm..maybe he bathed in peanut butter this morning? Xian loves her some peanut butter. Danny, you’re a lucky man. Cindra has to call out the best of the stripper dance competition, and she chooses Maurice and Xian as most-capable-of-making-asses-of-themselves. Awesome. I agree! I agree, CinderJenniferTilly.

Later that night (as evidenced by the insert shot of a moon over the model house- I love reality TV!) the boys have a little more boys time. Yeah, I know, hooters was taxing, as was sitting and getting rubbed up on by models, but these boys need to unwind! They work too hard, I say! They all talk about the models they think are the hottest. Well, hottest girl models. ( Sorry, J.P., we need a little more hetero idiocy injected into this JDMA episode ) Paul confesses that he has a boner for Traci because she’s “cute, real sexy, real attractive in her own way.” Right. She’s bucking the standard of attractivity by being…tall and skinny and pretty. Real innovative, Paul. Still, Paul seems short and sweet, (Ha, puns, I’m awesome) and I sort of like him. He’s too short to be a cocky douchebag, like other models I know (couch Maurice, cough, Fetal Alcohol). Peyton “don’t like none of them.” He was also wearing cutoff overalls and smoking a corn cob pipe. I think. No, I’m right. I mean, I don’t have a still of it but I’m fucking correct. Chandler, still pissed about Xian getting all pigletty over Danny, says Crystal Trueheart is the hottest and Sorin gets all defensive, like the lame-ass that he is.

Tell ‘em, Sorin.

Then we find out Chandler and Crystal slept in that weird fake boat last night together. You know, that boat in the middle of the pool. Apparently, there’s a cabin in there where Traci and Xian store their snacks. It isn’t too big, but Chandler and Crystal wedged themselves in. Ugh, Fetal Alcohol is such an asshole, now. Lame. He starts explaining to Sorin that he didn’t actually sleep WITH Crystal, but next to her. Thanks, asshole. Do you think Crystal would actually sleep with you? I mean she’s probably get a tax deduction for helping the disabled, but besides that….

Dude, then Crystal comes into the kitchen and tells off Sorin for being a possessive dickwad. I do like her! Just stop touching Chandler, mmmkay? You might get some douchiness on you. Sorin goes to fetch Chandler, who doesn’t have pants on in his room (Crystal dreamin’?) and comes downstairs. Crystal keeps denying any feelings for Chandler and Sorin goes back to trying to sexually assault Crystal. Back to normal, people!

Xian and Fetal Alcohol have a little chit chat later in the evening, and Xian talks about “killing a bitch in his sleep.” Chandler, that is, for being all about the Crystal. Man, Xian. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Geez, then she gets angry and talks about “deleting deleting deleting” people? Xian, are you in the Asian piglet mafia or something? Come clean, and I’l give you my snickers. That’s a girl.

Ugh, so then they use the word “bitch” and “drama” a couple more times, and kiss. Gross. Ohh! But how about some more gross kisses? Let’s move downstairs to Paul and Mallrat, where Paul finally makes his mooooove! And it’s a lame one, folks. “Ever since I came into this house, I dunno, there’s just something about you, I just thought if I didn’t tell you it was going to drive me crazy, so…” Wow, I think we have another William Shakespeare, folks. Poor guy, he’s so delightfully sincere and clueless.

I um, uhh, I could father your mallrat babies?

And then they kiss. And then Traci’s a bitch because she decides she doesn’t want to date him. I mean, come on, don’t kiss a man and tell him you aren’t into him. Maybe that works in the food court, but here in crazyville, that’s just mean. And yeah, I know we’re all here to work, but come on, it’s the lamest excuse in the book, because everybody likes to work at GETTIN IT ON. I have a Ph.D. in it, for all you washboard-chested men out there who need a lovely lady to rub up on (especially you, Gavyn).

Sob…modeling comes first, anyway….

And on to the Merlin Castell fashion show rehearsal! The girls are all in white-face and oversized T shirts, reminding me of being an eighth grade mime. Ah, memories. CC slutty loves it, though because it’s all about back bending and moving her little hips all over the place. Too bad she looked like an extra in “The Ring.”

I’m going for the “trapped in a well” look.

Speaking of looking like an 8th grader….

Math is hard. Does anyone want a starburst?

Mia excels at the weird runway walk, and Selina is sick or something so she makes Gremlin angry. And you know what happens when Gremlin gets angry? That’s right, you can’t use the village drawbridge.

Just a little white-face girl talk.

As the show starts, Gremlin voices concern over the models. He also voices concern about the giant beanstalk in his back yard. What gives? Janice shows up WITH AN EYEPATCH, too, which is awesome. Really, really, ridiculously awesome, as if this fashion show couldn’t get any more freakish.

Help, I’m trapped in a Botox Midget Pirate Fantasy Island Nightmare

Selina does okay, despite being ill, and the whole shebang.

Don’t cough blood on the runway…don’t cough blood on the runway…

I think this still is actually from Eyes Wide Shut

ARGH! And don’t cough Ye blood on the Runway! Arggh!

Later, Gremlin gets drunk (off of Unicorn blood?) and spouts praise for the JDMA models. Geez, these fashion people, they’re so fickle. Like when I tried to pick up the cashier at Ross Dress 4 Less….he was like, I’m married. And I was like, no you aren’t. And he’s like, I’m not? And then security escorted me out.

Next week on JDMA: Snakes on model penis! Snakes on model penis! Fat models and, Oh, something about Nadia being a bitch and going topless.