Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Supersized!

Seven till Midnight pick models for their sexy Lingerie shoot, they want plus sized models, too, though, and Nathan brings in some despite an unwilling Janice. Xian harps about her weight and at the next shoot, gets excluded from the casting, a high-end underwear butt-enhancement designer’s shoot. Nadia, Dominic and Christian get this one, and Nadia decides that she wants to earn some extra dough and take her top off for the shoot. Meanwhile, the plus sizers move in and Chandler starts a fight with Elana, one of the new plus-sizers.

And Janis goes off on a lot of stuff.

Wow, so I wrote this latest recap of the fabulous Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency recap up and erased it. Awesomeness! Even better on top of my lateness, right? I have a good excuse for that, though: I had my birthday this week. Wohoo!

Celebrating the ol’ 2-5 in style.

In Any case, this week Seven till Midnight comes to Casa J Dogg to find some models for what I can only figure is a costume clothier for porn stars.

Overtly sexy poly-blends, anyone?

Seven till midnight comes into the model crazyhouse, and the owner, May Leung, looks like a cross between Mr. Miyagi and Skeletor.

We’re here to cast sexy Plumber-ninja and sexy domestic violence-ninja. Which one do you like, Ralph?

Mr. Miyagi gives Janice a gift (Janice eats clients who don’t give her gifts) of a sexy policewoman outfit. Really? Don’t you think there are better suited costumes for someone…um…of Janice’s class and ilk? Like, how about sexy cryptkeeper? Sexy slim jim? How about you just wrap Janice up in a bedsheet and call her a botox burrito? Or, a Botoxito? And you thought I didn’t know Spanish! Shame on you!

The vice president of seven till midnight labels Janice as someone who “represents our clients.” Really? You design sexy costumes for Zombie armies with bipolar disorder? Interesting.

Bwaagh! We demand brains and moderately-priced sexy costume wear!

Mr. Miyagi informs Janice that she wants guys who look “soccer mom sexy.” I’m going to assume that means overweight, with high-waisted pants and a perchance for ugly, bobbed haircuts. Janice chances into her sexy cop costume behind her chair (oh, does the class ever end??)

Thank god for chairs.

Janice’s puddin’ faced son Nathan is aptly appalled by his mother’s failure to act like a regular human being, and he just puffs his chest in a corner. Nathan, it’s okay. Sit in your tire swing. Go to your happy place!

The guys come in and Mr. Miyagi gives Dominick, J.P., Payton and J.P. a go at looking like a soccer mom fantasy. Gross. Don’t these endeavors usually end in lawsuits? But this isn’t the real world, it’s Janice-opolooza. The girls come in and have to give a “come hither” look, by physically waggling their fingers at the casting people. Wow, we’re going really literal, huh? Well, if you really wanna go there, why don’t you just take off your tops and call it a night? Then I can at least get an early lunch. Yum, lunch.

J.P. in a move that stuns the reality tv universe, takes Janice aside and tells her that he doesn’t wanna do the shoot, that he feels uncomfortable. This makes him more likeable, but what comes next is laughable: he’s like “I’m kind of a gay role model now. ” WHAT? Since when? Since you’re on a reality show on lifetime and are trying to make money as a MODEL? Come on, you’re just doing what you DO. And, nobody cares who you are, I promise…there are enough gay role models in hollywood that I think you’ll slip under the radar, J.P. geez.

So the remaining guys who still consider themselves working models give cheesy lines in their slutty costumes. Mr. Miyagi and Co. like Xian and Traci and the two fatties have to do a little sexy roleplay with Dominic. of course, Xian pretends Dominic is a pork chop while Traci, the most unsexy human being alive, is appalled.

Boys? GROSS!

Of course, seven till midnight opts for Xian and Selena and then they wanna see some more fatties. I mean, by fatties, they mean bigger than Xian. They mean FATTIES.

Plus Sized?!!!! Sexy Costume Co, be prepared to be killed with my ocular laser beams.

Okay, I know this is horrible but I love love love how openly disgusted Janice is with fat women. It’s hilarious. I mean, I’d chose fat over freakish any day, but apparently Janice has gotten so used to looking in a mirror and seeing herself as awesome and normal that she finds someone fatter worlds more gross than her own face: a cluster of silicone and makeup.

But- Nathan to the rescue- he’s gonna rustle up some fatties for tomorrow’s shoot. And how will he do it? I dunno. Leave a BIG box, propped open with a stick and with a cake inside, and when a fatty comes huntin’ for cakes pull the stick out and trap the fatty! Just make sure Traci, Xian and Polina aren’t around to get their little fingers on those gooey sweet things.

Nathan brings three fatties to the seven till midnight casting: Amber, Ivory, and Ilana. Wow, sounds precious. And by precious, I don’t mean petite or bird-like.

Fatties in the hizzy!

Okay, the other girls are sorta cute, but Ivory Kalber, the blonde looking 40 year old, looks like Cindy McCain. She professes that she would love Janice as an agent and that she’s a size 14, the size that would make Janice a ton o’ money. Uh, okay. Are you including the cost of feed?

No, Monamonzano. I am not.

So Mr. Miyagi picks Ivory. Why? I dunno. Maybe they literally WANTED a soccer mom to represent their product. Who knows? What? I’m not a fortune teller or god. I’m just a genius who writes tvgasm recaps.

Janice is still not convinced that Ivory fits in with the theme of the agency. Namely, this theme is “thin-ness,” or perhaps “not eating.”

And I’m still not convinced that this company is legit. I mean, look at Selina. She looks like a porn star from the 70′s….

Just twirl your hair. Do you need cocaine? A tab cola?

The clients are pleased with Selina’s blandness, too! Does that sound legit?

In this picture, you’re going for…vacant. NICE!

Then Xian goes. Selina sings Xian’s praises about how she’s a good person, a good, experienced model and she can eat a whole bag of Kettle chips in one sitting, blah blah blah. Here’s a picture of Xian’s ass, just proving that she’s still a working model (porno model?) albeit a piglet:

Stunning in orange poly-blend

Dominic is “laying there,” unimpressed with the shoot as a whole. They suit him up as “Dr. Midnight,” and the Seven ’till midnight start ribbing on him for being lame. But he isn’t lame-! Remember when he beat the shit outta Kehoe? Yeah you do.

I’d rather be beatin’ the shit outta someone….

So, Janice comes barking up the photo shoot tree, and Ivory (oh, sweet, naive Ivory) thinks Janice is gonna think she looks fabulous. Of course, Janice basically says that she “sees this (gag) plus size girl and wanted to throw up my cottage cheese all over her fake leather shoes…bluugh.” That’s almost verbatim, and I’m not even joking. Everyone else loves Ivory, even though she sorta looked like a barge in all of her outfits.

Can I eat my cheese plate in costume? It helps me get into character…

Okay, I’m loving Janice trying not to gag at the sight of Ivory. She goes, “you look amazing according to the client” then she stares unhappily at Ivory’s belly, and then she throws up a little in her mouth. Not even joking.

Gross gross gross. No, not you. Um, I mean, you. God help us all.

Janice is “loosing sleep and clumps of weave” over the state of her agency, namely because of the impending threat of fatties, commercial divisions and, I dunno, my expertise at calling her out on her shit. Janice considers Xian the plus size of the house, and says so to her face, as if that’s supposed to make Xian feel loved, or at home, or something. I cannot. believe. Janice. Has. Kids. Wowzers. She goes on to chide Xian for eating pizzas and shit, too, because Janice is nervous Xian’s gonna look like Ivory.

Back at the house, Xian plays with her belly and leg fat in hopes of…seeming endearing?

Hey you guys! Like me! Look! Let my fat put you to sleep….

Crystal, J.P. and Xian discuss that when Janice was modeling, you didn’t have to be as skinny (right, Xian? Hmmm….) Crystal talks about how she lost a bunch of weight doing “healthy” things like living in a gym and writing down everything she ate. Nice. After the conversation, Xian leaves to pig out on foooood. It’s good to know that lessons are being learned and advice taken here at the model house!

After her chowfest, Xian goes upstairs to canoodle with Chandler Fetal alcohol, but their romance seems to be fading after Xian realizes that he’s not made of butterscotch puddin.’ Xian professes that she’ll make out with anyone- gay, straight, man, woman, gummi bear- because it’s the “easiest thing to do” to flirt in the house. Yeah, know what else is easy to do? Imagine yourself bathing in peanut butter. Doesn’t mean you should do it, Xian. No- not literally or figuratively…no- Danny especially, tries to get up in Xian, and he gets all date-rapey with his “she wanted more love, and I gave it to her.” With his big, dumb smile. Oy.

Chandler comes downstairs wearing a sock on his head and professing his love for piglet.

Sigh. She liked to pretend I was a snickers bar…

Danny don’t give a Sheeit about their relationship. At the end of the night, Payton and Danny both yell goodnight to the vixen Xian, goddest of heft and kisses.

The next morning, Andrew Christian comes back for a second foray into crazytown (really? JDMA gets repeat business? Wow.) So he sells underwear, eh? With butt-lifting technology? Tell me more. No, stop. I’m bored already. Saggy butts? Gross! Ivory, wanna demonstrate?

Andrew Christian was inspired by Danny Nunez’s date-rape perfect ass, apparently, on the last photo shoot. Yeah, Danny’s like the Ghandi of butts. He wants two guys and one girl to help show their butt-appreciation for the butt-tabulous product that is the wonderbuttbra for butts. So, who wil it be?

Dominic, Paul, Chandler and Christian get the pleasure of being finalists for underwear-butt lift-age, and I love Dominic talking inarticulately about his butt, feeling a little shy about it. Whatever, Dominic, own it.

I could make so many prison jokes right now….

As for the women, Erica, Nadia and CC pass the butt cutt but bitch-Nadia gets the gig from the three. Janice picks on Xian for being fat in front of the clients, and Xian feels weird about it. Nadia has to get frisky with the guys for the rest of the casting, and she feels weird about it probably because she’s an uptight bitch. Right?

I’m planning on biting that finger off.

The client chooses Dominic and Christian and the rest of the models go relax by the pool. Ah, another day’s work. It’s a tough life.

Fetal Alcohol starts spouting all this patriot “I’m from America” song and dance to Polina, Saying she has communist intentions. Really? The only intentions I think Polina has is to polish off the carrot cake in the fridge later in the night. Crystal sees that the talk is bothering Polina and calls Fetal alcohol another Kehoe. Wow! Chandler into Kehoe, eh? Should’ve seen it coming, not enough asshole in the house at present. Gotta fill that quota, right folks?

Sorin gets pissy about Fetal Kehoe’s jive-talkin’ Eastern Europe and Fetal Kehoe tells the cameras that if you’re “30 wearing a midriff for a living, that says a lot about you.” And you know what? He’s a dick, but he’s right. Sorin, a midriff.

What kind of 401 K does Midriffery offer?

Later in the night (post Polina cake-binge, I assume) J.P. keeps feeling the age gap between him and the other models. Yeah, he’s 32 and everyone’s 25 and under, but come on. You’re probably just as vapid as the rest…can’t you guys bond over universal self-obseesedness?

The next day at the Andrew Christian photo shoot (at a Tattoo parlor, classy!) Dominic and Christian get a little gay and put their asses in each others’ faces…for the camera. Yeah, right. You models love it!

Okay, you got me. I love it.

Janices comes a-callin’ later and she’s sick (why is she always so beat up when going to see how her models are working? Sick? One eye? Is she moonlighting as a pirate, or a crash test dummy?) Andrew takes Janice outside to ask if Nadia will take her top off and not be slutty, and Janice asks Nadia and Nadia says yes, even though it’s a little bitchy yes. But what do you expect? She oozes bitch. She eats pine needles and thistle milk for breakfast, and for lunch and dinner she has prickly pear. That’s BITCH. (tee hee)

And, surprise! Janice doesn’t know, but Nathan invites the fatty brigade into the house to live. They take over the back room and Paul’s bed (oops!) and Traci especially is threatened. Traci tattles on the fattys to Paul and all the male models go have a looksee, with Traci snickering in the corner.

See? I’ll take the room. This crazy white bitch stole my hat.

Then Elana misuses “vindicate” and Chandler gets on it. Wow, Chandler. You are the new village asshole, aren’t you? It pisses off Xian, too. Ohhh! Xian takes sides with Elana and he chalks it up to her being four years younger than him. Okay. Then Elana and Chandler keep sparring with who looks more like Dr. Phil. My answer? Who cares? One’s a fatty and one’s an asshole. Case closed, Watson!

Nathan cowers in the corner and sucks his thumb while we get a teaser of the REAL Chandler-on-Elana (Fetal on Fatty) confrontation, coming up next episode!