This week in the JDMA, Chandler picks on plussie Alana and Marty has a little chat about acceptance with the plussies. Plus Size Model Magazine comes and casts Alana and Ivory for a shoot and though Janice doesn’t like the idea, she brings FROOT LOOPS TO THE CASTING. FROOT LOOPS. The shoot is sloppy and Janice’s publicist tries to smooth over Janice’s plus sized ineptitudes. HA! Later, Parke & Ronen cast some men for swimwear, and it’s creepy. Fetal gets jealous of Xian’s flirting (especially with Danny) and Janice goes to a Justin Monroe photo shoot that is supposed to be a weird, surreal side show. And, is. Ronen gets angry at Janice for not showing up to his shoot, and they bicker on the phone.
You best be handing over that snickers, cameraman.
When we left off here on SS Crazyville, aka the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, Alana was asking Chandler if he knew what a “can of ass whooping” meant. Geez, I hope she lets him know, first hand, and Chandler struggles to get out from under her one hundred fifty pound ham hock of a leg. Mmmm, Ham hocks.
Downstairs, the normal models are drinking, and the plus-sizes decide to join the par-tay. Chandler Fetal Alcohol sidles his drunk self over to Alana, AGAIN, to call her a “hooker.”
oh no you didn’t. I will EAT you.
Yeah, isn’t that funny? A Hooker. Nice, Chandler. For being the college graduate of the house you sure like to pull out all the insult stops. Hooker! Well played, chap. And, matching fetal alcohol in misguided disgust is Alana thinking that the comment is racist. Right. Come on, hookers come in all colors of the rainbow!
You can pick one in every flavor, including “babysweat” and “manmeat”
Then Fetal Alcohol suggest that perhaps, just perhaps, he has “something against women in general.” Hmm…I’m going to go as far as to say Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is a big. Fucking. BABY.
Still life with asswipe in hideous vest.
Alana feels like Fetal Alcohol Syndrome was trying to assert himself as king of the castle (no shit) and that the twos of them have a “language barrier. ” But, suprisingly, there are more differences between them: They are also in, what I like to call, “different weight classes.” AKA, watch your nuts Fetal Alcohol.
Because Alana calls dibs.
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome continues to be a total fucking dickwad when Alana asserts the language barrier point, and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome said that he “flunked ebonics 101 in college.” yeah, he also flunked “Consideration 101,” “the history of being modest (1900-the present) and “Making sure one’s mother doesn’t drink too much before your own birthing.”
Meanwhile, Turkey Jerky Janice is up to her usual spying and gagging at the sight of anyone over 110 pounds.
What to do first? Stab myself with this metal spoon or barf with the metal spoon? Decisions…
It’s sort of funny, though, because the show is edited so the plus sizers always look like they’re hovering around the fridge and looking for extra shelving for their dry goods. J Dogg voices distain not only for the plussies, but also for the lackluster performances of the other models in the realms of: loosing weight, walking and not being dickwads. Janice says she’s going to either kill herself or ask them all to go- I’m hoping for the former. Promises, promises….
The next morning, good ol’ Marty has a heart to heart with the plussies. He just says that they’re not the only ones who feel different, push through, I have discrimination, blah blah blah blah yawn. I mean, it’s sweet, but it’s no half-assed drunken insulting or two o clock Russian cake bingeing. Now all the plussies wanna do him, which is fun, though.
Martin will always think I’m beautiful…sigh….
You’d be even better wrapped in bacon! Really!
J.P. and Amber (brunette plussie) bond over their age and J.P. gives brunette plussie some wise words: he believes Janice will give them a chance, because she believes in giving people a chance. Yeah, I guess. Janice never misses out on a chance to torture people, both fat and fit alike. Brunette Plussie welcomes a challenge (and a twinkie) with open arms and is hungry for J Dogg’s acceptance.
Nathan, Janice’s spawn, ushers in representatives from Plus Size Magazine, a magazine for the Plus Size Model in All of Us. Well, not really. it’s for fatties who want their faces on billboards and t shirts and shit (provided the shit is big enough to fit a plussie).
Thanks for coming. Um, please don’t break the couch.
Mia Amber, the creative editor at large of Xtra large magazine, is looking for fresh new faces. Hey, here’s one:
I woke up wanting to rock the supervillian pirate botox slut eggplant look. Well?
I forget that clips get shown out of succession, and had so much fun mocking Janice at that weird back-break runway show. Janice, you can scratch your cornea for the sake of my recap any day! Really! In fact, go both eyes. you’ll look like a bug. Hot.
Janice meets with XL magazine and passes the job over to Nathan, because she’s so grossed out by people who are overweight. And that’s with only one functioning eye! She’s fucking rude to these people, though, and hey, if I wasn’t so publicity hungry maybe I’d tell J Dogg off and leave. XL magazine is desperate, though, and with desperation comes stints on reality tv.
Send in the plussies!
In a HILARIOUS turn of events, Janice comes back for the casting and brings FRUIT LOOPS for the XL Magazine Staff to Snack on. God, talk about an awesome moment in JDMA history. And, Nathan takes one, while the rest of the XL staff, I’m assuming, are a. not four years old, b. don’t eat anything not deep fried and c. are disgusted by Janice.
Hold up! Pirate Zombie with Fruit loops coming through.
Then J Dogg screams at Alana, “what’re you thinking?” (a model? This woman was destined to be a shrink) and Alana says how emotional she’s feeling. She attributes her success to Janice letting her be a plus size, and that Janice is like Martin Luther King in the Civil Rights movement. Oy. That is, if African Americans were fatties and MLK had a perchance for botoxy facial expressions and insanity.
You Plussies are so soft…so squishy…
Janice threatens to put Alana on a diet so she can be the next Naomi Cambell. Really? A family of five Naomi Campbells and her victimized assistants could live inside Alana. Am I being too harsh? Because I’m sort of on a fat joke roll. Jelly roll. BOO-YA!
Alana starts crying again and Janice tries to touch her and then moves away. XL magazine chooses Ivory and Alana for the shoot. Business as usual, and I sorta like brunette plussie (Amber) because she’s super gracious about being the ONLY ONE not picked. Alana confesses that this is her first plus sized shoot, besides those craigslist casual encounters photos. Check m4w, Houston, folks.
In another nauseatingly awkward turn, that evening Janice has a little pow-wow with the models, plussies and regulars. Alana asks Janice what makes her “standoffish” And Janice replies that nobody would be there (in the room) that she didn’t want there. Well, yeah, sort of. Minus about 400 pounds, right J dogg? And I’m right. then Janice calls Alana fat. And Alana gets all pissy. Come on, though- isn’t that what the plussies are fighting for? Acceptance as fat? And how many times can we disguise the label fat with “voluptuous?” I’m guessing 17, just in this episode.
At the Plus Size Model Magazine shoot, Ivory is plussed (hah, no pun intended) about the response her pictures will get. She’s hoping for a lot of fan mail. Really? is that what being a plus size is like? Like an incarcerated convict, only with more hairspray and control tops? And, how do I sign up?
Good thing my parents rec room was available for the shoot.
Alana looks utterly lost in her girdle and with the backround of…a storage unit?
Gimme a C?
Janice shows up at the shoot and starts the criticism train right a way (that’s my girl!). Janice calls the shoot “sloppy” and tells Alana to suck in her gut. The question is: which one?
During the shoot, Janice’s publicist/munchkin in residence Lizzie Grubman comes around to say her hellos and bury a pot of gold. Janice sits down with the Plus Size Magazine people and they ask her, bottom line, if she’ll support plussies and plussie culture. Then Janice (more like Confucious!) asks how she can support plus size models and still teach her daughter healthy habits. My answer, J Dogg? When your daughter wants to eat three buckets of cookie dough, give her one. If she wants to throw herself a pizza party, just let her have, I dunno. One pizza. And, geez, make her jump rope or something. Hopscotch? Is that what the young kiddies do nowadays? Sorry, leapfrog. My bad.
Meanwhile, during Janice’s ranting and telling everyone to loose some goddamned weight, Nathan slinks out of the woodword and meekly mumbles “mommy gived me commercial division. Big girls. I do it.”
Janice and LIzzie McMunchkin go back to the house, and bitch about it not being clean. Janice is disappointed with Xian for not wearing heels and being wide, Traci with wanting to be an actress and being wideloadish. Lizzie puffs a corncob pipe and talks about three wishes while Janice talks about how much better the model pickins’ are in New York city. She wants to help the L.A. crew- but can she? Well, let me ask you this: can a zombie help pork cutlets write a sonnet?
Later, Parke & Ronen, a pervy male swimsuit line straight out of…Israel, I think (or hell) comes to visit the mansion for casting. Ronen tells the boys to get naked, and then touches their penises in the guise of “suit fitting.”
Penis Penis Penis
Parke seems a little less like a molester of models, but man- does this seem like an unprofessional casting…
Del Taco never made me do this….
J.P. calls out that the stripping and ball touching was “somewhat unprofessional,” (thanks, Papa bear) and it’s even grosser because Ronan keeps eyeing everyone like their….well, a cock.
Gross gross gross.
Janice throws Christian in the pool so that Ronan can be even creepier with the models and their packages. Pervy picks MIchael (? didn’t make enough news to make t.v., apparently), Christian, Maurice and Payton, who is called by first a number (4) and then his penis (big, packin’). They buzz all the guys hair so they look more…militant? And even still, Ronan never misses a chance to non-ambiguously hit on the models.
Back in the house, Danny crushes on Piglet Xian. Xian talks about how her flirting hurts Chandler, that “his ego is so big he doesn’t wanna say, but she can tell.” Wow, that’s the kinda guy I wanna be with, one who doesn’t communicate because he thinks he’s too awesome to do so. Nice! But then Danny calls Xian a ho? Wow, totally. If you have a crush, woo them with kind words and labels. Nice, Danny.
And Payton, in true redneck form, goes “she goes through everyone in this whole house. Not me, though.” NIce! Oh yeah, he had overalls on with no shirt under, and he was smoking a corncob pipe, too. Love ya! Then Danny tries to confront Fetal Alcohol, asking if he had a “problem with me.” Geez, what, are we all four year olds who think we’re the bomb? (and yeah, I just said the bomb). But it’s weird, though, because it seems as though Danny is talking to Chandler from across the room. It it just a cheap parlor trick? Smoke and mirrors?
” Cross-room confrontation is the most effective.” -Colonel Sanders
Meanwhile, Payton is making moonshine and telling Xian that it’s her fault. Oh, and he’s eating a biscuit and wearing rubber boots. Totally. Yee-haw. And then everybody goes to bed, sexually frustrated and thinking about piglet. God, I want to be in on this Agency!
The next day at the Justin Monroe photo shoot, J Dogg gets pictures taken of her at the most appropriate place- a circus side show! It’s for his book, “Down the Rabbit Hole,” and Janice is going to be- surprise surprise- a wicked witch character. Dominique, Gavin the hottie and Kehoe(???) are extras on the shoot, but Janice asks Kehoe to leave and replaces him with our man Danny Nunez-XIan-lover. Kehoe, of course, gets his camera moment to profess his innocence and the fact that he’s changed.
I’m a newer, douchier man. With a sweat rag.
Justin Monroe wanted Janice because she embodies both “good and evil” hmmm…good? I think you’re mistaken, Mr. Monroe- goodness has to do with acts of love and kindness, selfless acts like giving to the homeless and feedling the hungry, or at least having a sense of deep introspection. Janice hasn’t had that since…welll….
Anyhow, besides Janice, the motley crew included Dominique (the firecrotch) as the Beautician…
Hottie Gavyn as the gay tin man…
I give him so much pleasure…
And Danny will be playing Satan, aka…um, another beautician.
Wait- Can I check my cell to see if Xian sent me a text? No? That’s cool.
Janice gets all pumped about the surrealistic element of high fashion, which we can see by her lips, which are surrealistically being affected by an outbreak of diamond herpes.
It’s…a condition. Look Away! Blllahgh!
The shoot runs long into the night, and Janice gets her crotch all in a bunch over her harness shots.
Can that midget get my front-butt wedgie?
Geez- everyone is in awe of Janice Dickinson’s modeling skills. Yawn. Wait-
Mmm…Gavyn in Chaps.
The next day at the Park & Ronen shoot, treasure trails are being shaved and spandex donned. Ronen wants to emphasize the elements of “style, chicness and beauty” of the clothes and men . Very original! What? You want to start privately coaching the models? Will your parole officer really allow that, Ronen? Yeah, I figured not. In other news, the models look manlier than ever!
And by manly, I mean GAY.
Ronen gets all bent out of shape between hitting on the models because Janice is a no-show. Maurice, ever the philosopher, decides that the shot looked like the village people, “but instead of being construction workers, we were sailors.” Hey, the village people had a sailor, and I bet he’s sad to hear you say that, Maurice.
Saddie’s giving me fuck-eyes.
Ronen is getting angrier and angrier that J Dogg doesn’t stop by. He thinks it’s unprofessional, but is it? Come on, get your shots and get out, right? He calls to bitch to Janice and she hangs up on him! So ends another beautyous day in Crazyville.
What’s up next week? FINALE and REUNION! DOUBLE WHAMMY! WOHOO!!!!