Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Trust That I Know Everything. Love, Janice.

It’s finale time, folks!

So we left Ronen at the Parke & Ronen shoot yelling at our heroine…I mean heroin Janice Dickinson of the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. Janice hangs up on pedophile Ronen, saying “The Israeli Army is strong but they don’t know Janice Dickinson.” Right. I love people who want to take on national armies. People with such cultural and political relevance! Them’s fightin’ words!

Janice Dickinson: Taking on the Israelis in a sports bra.

Janice, overall, is completely disenchanted with her models (Insert AWESOME clip of Ebony…Ivory…I mean, Elana, shouting that “somebody ate my damn meatloaf!”) and feels they don’t really take their careers (ahem, yes) seriously. Cut to J.P., who relays his story of his time in the JDMA, most notably coming out of the closet so that he could do the cover of Instinct Magazine. Hah…I wish he’d just done the cover, and mailed a bunch of copies to his (probably) religious family members. “Hey Mom and Dad- I’m gay! Here are my well oiled abs! Don’t you think I look awesome in this neon speedo?”

If you’re gay, I’m Satan! Blaarrggh!

Janice and J.P. and the camera crew shared a special moment, the day of J.P. coming out. J.P. also talks about moving into the house, and feeling the age gap, seeing as he’s well, almost Janice Dickinson’s age. Well, not quite 5,000 years old. but close: 32. Wowzers! J.P. decides that, all in all, he needs a change, so he goes to talk to J Dogg about his future. Janice, in the only shot I’ve ever seen her eat, is slicing up pieces of European cucumber with her beef-jerky hands and is (not suprisingly) wearing another set of morbidly-celebrated lip dioramas around her chicken neck.

Hey! This isn’t heroin…

J.P. says he’s ready for a house and a dog and probably a fit gay roommate who will discreetly make love with him but won’t make a fuss and keep up appearances. Well, J.P….how about you take over the JDMA men’s division and uproot yourself to follow a thousand year old she-jerky to New York City? Oops. Spoiler alert.

Anyhow, J.P. wants to be an agent (with such a stellar, borderline psychotic mentor to follow, who wouldn’t?) and Janice invites him to the family, welcomes him to the “fold” as an agent, and says goodbye. That easy? Wait, I want to be an agent. And, a flamenco dancer. And, an astronaut!

OH- and now Janice plans on revealing her big brother surveillance unit. Awesome! But before she does, she wants to make some announcements. Namely, a strange parallel to Polina eating more carrot cake than the easter bunny (???) and about hook ups and broken dreams n’ shit.

Polina confused. Cake? Bunny? Polina make bunny face, hope make Janice happy.

Oh yeah, she also calls Xian a slut and talks about the Hokey Pokey with Chandler. The “hokey pokey?” Janice, you are. so. old. And, I thought she was okay with people hooking up, that she couldn’t control them. And, who left the toilet seat up? God, these models are such FUCK UPS!

Even Polina and Maurice get accused of hokey pokey-ing. Though they look guilty, you’d think the camera crew would pick right up on that one.

Look, I’m raising my eyebrow in defiance!

Janice tells Maurice that she knows better, and automatically thoughts go to espionage. Yes, Maurice. Janice has model-bot spies in the house planted just so she can witness your failed attempts to have lame dates with Polina! Or, maybe Martin isn’t really deaf and was hired to spy on your goings-on. Oh Maurice, you’re too smart for your own good.

So Janice shuffles the models up to that ugly mannequin that houses a button that activates the sliding door to the surveillence room. Then she chides the models just a bit more for not making their beds. Then, she thanks everyone and gets the roses ready for the elimination ceremony.

Oh, yeah, another finale secret: Janice has a penis.

Oh wait, before elimination- another thing: Tom Michael Krim’s having a fashion show! And not just any fashion show, a GREEN one. How PC of JDMA, BTW. Janice wants to keep the planet green and have her kids enjoyed it the way she did…? Wha, in chemical-ly makeup rooms and snorting coke off of Sylvester Stallone? Yipes.

Haute Trash, one of the GREEN fashion show designers, brings some clothes for a good ol’ fashioned fittin.’ Also, I find it increasingly morbid how many articles of jewelry and clothing of JD’s feature lips. Gross. Anyhow, some appropriately frumpy co-op people under the name “Haute Trash” come over to the house to show them some, ahem, uh, really…pretty clothes.

Um..you two seem fat. can I offer you any froot loops?

They show the models their wares, all made from recycled items…

This is, um, armor made from soda can tops. It still smells like Dr. Pepper!

How about some lighters taped together? I think it’s a belt, or like, a suspender or something. Chic!

Bag-dress.

And: The ugliest suit coat in the world!

I’m not a fashionista by any means, but I’m pretty sure they can…ahem…further refine the materials used in the making of the garments for um, a more pleasing aesthetic.

At the rehearsal, Janice’s pet leprachaun Lizzie Grubman pays the show a visit and rewards the models with wishes, golden eggs and four leaf clovers.

Go Notre Dame?

Janice criticizes everyone (especially Traci’s mall-walk) and in a bout of articulation she reflects that something’s wrong with Janice, and it’s putting all the models on edge.

CC Slutty isn’t in the green fashion show (maybe they have something against implants?) and sits beside Janice right in front of the runway.

Does the ugly clothing ever end?

Janice starts bitching about EVERYONE in the agency- including Traci, who is perhaps wearing THE most unflattering outfit on the planet.

Nothing some trash bags and duct tape can’t hide?

Of course, this can’t fly in the Casa Crazypants, so that night, Serin goes and shakes Traci’s bed and tells her to go into Janice’s crypt..ahem, I mean room. Janice fires Traci, and the worst part is that Traci looks like she’s an escaped special needs kid or someone’s drunk Aunt, with a weird stupid eye covering and a groggy, blank stare.

I was promised juice boxes.

Paul, in good boy fashion, asks Traci if she’s okay and promptly tells all the other models that Traci’s old news. Traci tries to talk to J Dog again, but fails. POOR TRACE FACE! Just put back on your sleep cap and think about your favorite things: cotton candy and the hair extension kiosque in the mall.

Next, Janice calls Ivory and Ilana into her crypt, tells them they’re unbelievable women, and fires their plussie butts. Ilana gets in a “skinny models off the runway” line and J Dog recoils in disgust. But what about the other brunette plussie? I think Janice just forgot her or something- all these fat people around, who can really remember names, right?

Chantal? Muriella? Garfield?

Still, Brunette plussie goes with them and everyone’s upset. Ilana can’t cool it, though, and begins weeping big, plussie tears. Man, just find another agent- one that isn’t made of botox beef jerky and doesn’t treat you like a rotting hunk of cheese. Hungry yet?

The remaining models sit worriedly in their bunks…Serin calls for lights out, but nobody knows what’s on the horizon and nobody feels secure in their positions.

The next morning, Janice coddles her hair dressers and bitches about her vision. She calls LA the “Starbucks of the Modeling world.” Really, that seems like something you might want to aspire to, Janice, so you wouldn’t need to whore yourself to TV stations for cash. But hey, high fashion boutique agency? Fine. You’ve got an award winning personality, really thin high fashion models, and…um…well, that’s it. Good luck in New York, J Dog. Bring a sweater.

Janice’s little hairdressers push her to be in NYC, and even agree to pick up their lives and move to New York, for the love of Janice Dickinson. Really? Geez, the economy really is bad, isn’t it?

Janice gathers the model-bots for a little chit-chat later in the day, and tells them about her plans to high-tail it to NYC. Wow!

Does that mean we’re free?

Janice tells them that Crystal is coming with her, along with her two hairdressers and J.P. as head of the men’s division. She tells them she loves them all but for the cameras she says they get what they deserve. What? Freedom? Janice tells Hazuki that she’s coming next, but I’m not even sure she knows what’s going on- I think that there are butterflies and cups of ice cream going through her head. She just seems perpetually startled, at modeling, at Janice…at pretty much everything.

Oh god oh god oh god oh god

As J.P.’s first official task as agent (and most likely not the last), he has to go talk to the models after Janice leaves and clean up the mess she’s made. And, he does a smashing job making everything way more vague. Yay!

Things are apeshit. Does that clear things up? Cool.

I call dibs on whatever’s left in the fridge.

And when Janice says she’s fucking going to New York soon, she means it. And I mean, after the next commercial break, with a puppy.

Please don’t touch the dog.

I wonder where Janice’s kid is. No, the one without the bad facial hair, who is eleven. Hopefully, in the custody of a better mother or father…although a burlap sack would be a better mother than Janice.

Bye, Crazyville.

And off she goes, but not before ONE REUNION SPECIAL!

And when I say reunion, I mean Janice in the model house being able to talk WAY to much about stuff we already have heard about in the finale. Oh well.

First on the docket, piglet and fetal alcohol, aka Xian and Chandler. No, they’re not still canoodling. Xian dumped him for an Arby’s cheesesteak sandwich (I kid you not!).

How can I compete with Mcnuggets?

Then Janice goes into how she’d love to see their babies, which would probably come out like Chunk from the Goonies. Next? Sorin and Crystal, Nothing, of course. big news.

Lips Lips Lips…they never go away (augh)

I do like how Janice makes light of fetal alcohol being a gossipy asshole, and how Paul Villancourt is outed as a lame Traci-crusher.

This is like, just like this one time at the Mall….

Then they synopsize Traci’s career at JDMA, and as a consolation, Janice says, “I see acting.” Yeah, I guess, if acting has a sale at a mall kiosk, with a free scrunchie givaway.

Sorin’s career with JDMA comes next on the shit hit list, where he’s a degraded model and then he’s a degraded bodyguard. Then Janice makes him turn around and shake his little buttcheeks. Geez, I hope he gets paid like 5,000 dollars a month. At least.

This is nothing. I used to give handjobs in Romania….

Crystal “Janice’s fave” Trueheart gets a little bio next, about her turning from this….

Trueheart circa 2004

to this….

Yipes.

What an accomplishment. Anyhow, the praises are sung for about 4 minutes, to the lackluster applause of the other models. J.P., too gets praised for being…I dunno….gay… (see beginning of finale synopsis) and also a model turned manager (see almost beginning of finale). Then she talks about going to New York (see almost end of finale).

So, now that everything’s summed up, what next? Well, hmm…how’s about we talk about the makeup people and how much work they do with their chisels and syringes to make Janice look not 300 years old? Okay, check. Models getting nekkid? Check.

JDMA cast-offs do it best.

Member me? I used to cut myself.

I love old people!

Okay, now we really have nowhere to go on the reunion. Oh yeah, Date-Rape Kehoe. Ummm…let’s make him seem sorta gay and take a lie detector test about it.

Gay Clubber Kehoe

Closeted frat boy Kehoe

Angry gay beachcomber Kehoe

Qasimoto group date night Kehoe

And finally, asshole flat iron Kehoe.

Really? I wonder if you can still be gay after date raping girls. Oh well, who knows? Anything happens at the JDMA, right? And, on TV. So Janice brings in Jerry Placencia, “Investigator of lie detector tests.” Wow, is this for real? Can I get a degree in that? Because I already have like 40 Ph.D’s and I’m awesome….

Do it slow, Jerry. We have a lot of reunion special to waste.

Kehoe is asked if he’s gay, and the answer is no. Shouldn’t Jerry say “likes men” or “homosexual,” this lie detector test seems fishy….

Just like everything else at JDMA! Thanks, folks, for watching with me!