The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency:

Sorry this posting is so late, guys. I was busy wrestling buffalo with my bare hands. Why, you asked? Well, the government hired me ’cause I’m awesome. But moving on….we have so much to talk about this week! Models, tardiness, cross-dressing- the blows never stop in Janice’s house of wackness (not to be confused with the movie, which I hear is about, I dunno, graffiti n’ shit).

Oh yeah, it’s not just about Graffiti. Also, about making out with Ben Kingsley.

Janice Dickenson modeling agency begins with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (Chandler, for you folks who chose not to make fun of/objectify the genetic freaks we call models) all proud n’ shit that he can be in the house and be all innondated with modeling and janice. What a brownnoser- Janice only likes him because he’s almost as freakish looking as she is. She explains to a gaggle of models that they should leave a lot of time in the morning for getting to their destination. This is really good, model-specific advice. Thanks, Janice! She explains that all of the models are “rough around the edges” and that’s why they’re living in the house. Really, Janice? They aren’t super professional? Maybe it’s because they’re low IQ and have to live with a screaming, bloated-lipped banshee of a woman that scares them every five minutes with her pointless, loud ranting.

Please don’t scare the models.

So, Modeling 101 begins, announced by aformentioned banshee. We get a fun-filled montage of Hazuki trying to hump a pole, and then being instructed by Janice on how to do so. Wow, she’s so multi-talented, you know. It’s almost mind-boggling. Janice Dickenson, what else can you do? Can you rivet? How about make awesome pancake batter? No? Well, I can. Wanna know why? Cause I’m awesome.

Janice rants on about Hazuki’s crusty makeup and pushup bra (hey, I’m not complaining) but goes on to say that Hazuki has that “it” factor, that she was “hungry” for success. Jesus, Janice. They’re all hungry. All of the models are hungry. Not just in your agency, but throughout history. It’s just a fact. C’mon.

Janice’s lips could feed a family of five.

Janice has to “strip Hazuki to the core and start over to rebuild.” Hazuki’s core? Come on, really? If Hazuki were my model, I’d throw her in a catholic schoolgirl outfit , pigtails and big shoes and make her giggle. That’s the moneymaker! Yeah, I should be a model manager; I’m very ethnically forward.

Next on the chopping block was fatty pigletface, or Xian or whatever. Janice wanted her to cut the salt- but then what will Xian put on her burritos and chicken wings, hmm? This modeling thing is difficult. She’s cute, though, for a piglet. Fetal Alcohol is the apple of Janice’s eye, and alien Russian porno star has questionable hair extensions. According to Janice, “everyone needs work in the boo-tay.” I agree. I don’t want to see any model-asses until I can eat off of them. Get to work, you poor things! Xian, especially, needed to work out and shit, so Janice suggests she run with fetal alcohol. Xian proceeds to awkwardly affirm her attraction to fetal alcohol (what? Come on. You live in a house with beautiful models. Why pick a damaged one?). Xian noticed Chandler at the open casting agency, because “she likes tattoos.” yeah, me too. But I don’t believe it. Did Chandler just remind Xian of a chicken wing, or something? One who was damaged in the womb by an alcoholic mother? And the best part is that fetal alcohol digs Xian, too, for her “energy” and “flow.” yeah, I get it . I’d have a lot of energy, too, if I finished off a bag of pork rinds and a six pack of red bull before the cameras got to the model house. To each his own, Chandler.

Before bed in the model house, Janice reminds the girls to not go to bed with a wet bathing suit, or they could get yeast infections. Awesome. They’re all excited to live in the house, and that’s…good? Yeah, I guess I’d be dying to live in a house where a crazy sociopathic lip-blubbered amazon monitored my vagina. How do I sign up?

Before bed, Xian tries desperately to find adequate footwear for running in the morning. Dude, I believe she’s never run before. She pulls out leather military boots and looks at Chandler, questioningly. He looks back at her, blankly. This show is like the blind leading the blind, if the first blind person has fetal alcohol syndrome and the second blind person is fat. Goodnight models! And goodnight, Janice, who looks even more horrifying without the seven pounds of makeup she usually wears (for bed, she restricts herself to one or two pounds, and I know cause I’m a makeup-ologist). But before she seals herself into her coffin, Janice “surveills” the models in the house.

Janice, Survaylerringllering.

Yes, Janice. Make sure the models don’t “get out of line.” You’re great, because get out of line in Janice Dickenson crazy-ville means, I dunno, eating too much cottage cheese. And, not humping poles.

The next morning, Xian, Hazuki and Fetal Alcohol wake up for a run. Fetal’s all enthused, but Xian’s pissed they can’t stop at Cinnabon anywhere along the route. And still, Fetal finds her attractive? That’s love. Hazuki just giggles, tiredly, and thinks about rainbows and sushi.

8:30 AM is the Nicolita photo shoot, where the girl-models will be photographed with Chandler to see who will become the face of Nicolita. Nicolita, the character, is described as “jet-setting around the world and falling in love along the way.” these models are perfect, if Jet setting means bumming around a house and “falling in love along the way” means combing their extensions. But what? CC is late? she’s probably jet setting. And…falling in love along the way? Okay, okay, she stopped at Carls Jr. No? She’s stuck in traffic? Sure. Traci, the one model with half a brain, tries to explain CC’s tardiness to Nicolitz Sainz, the CEO of Nicolita and who seems to be bored, always. Or at least, her mono-tonal drone puts me to sleep every time I try to listen for a half a second. Still the shoot presses on. Chandler is apprehensive about working with the “old models.” Wow, not only is he dumb-looking, but he’s also a drama queen. Two hours later CC arrives, who looks like she just came off of a C grade porno shoot in her lame velour jumpsuit and fuck me hair extensions. Dude, her nipples are also erect! Sorry, changing the Carl’s Junior theory. Now I’m positive she was sucking cock in the valley before her swim wear shoot. Oh, these hollywood types!

Just call me CC hard nipples.

Unbelievably, CC nabs the role of Nicolita, even after being late and moonlighting as a low-end porn star. That’s cool, if that’s what the company is looking for. Personally, I liked the Russian. She looked freakin’ asian! Asian! Hazuki, watch out! Of course, CC is thrilled, stating that she’d “never won anything before.” Are you sure, CC? Scratch offs and Cake Walks aside, I’m sure you’ve solicited and won many sophisticated men off very major highways. That’s right, jet setting around the world and falling in love along the way!

Back in the model house, a party’s a-brewin.’ Janice doesn’t miss an opportunity to backhand CC for being late in front of everyone, because, apparently, she had her period. DUH! I should’ve known! I’m totally late to shit when I’m menstruating… and Traci’s manager shows up at the shoot, we hear, and Traci is given an ultimatum by Janice: model or act. Traci chooses modeling and to keep pluggin’ away in Janice’s world. Wow, Traci, for being the smart one you sure seem to be making some dumb moves: dating Janice Dickenson’s son? Really? Dude, you know that Janice’s son is like, half of Janice’s genetic makeup? If you procreate, your children will probably be rabid, hound dog-lookalikes with the perchance for being a bitch. but we all want different things out of life, I suppose. LIke me, I’m hoping to marry a Keebler elf and have E.L.Fudge babies! Keep your fingers crossed!

Janice has one-on-ones with Paulina (also known as Russian, Alien-panther, and asian-ish) and CC, the former she thinks will be a star (HA!) and the latter she hope’s won’t be a porn star. Janice also asks CC about menstruation, a woman’s gift. “Do you not know that every 28 days you have a blood bath?” Wow, way to glorify the cycle of life, Janice. But you’re just jealous, I bet your crotch is more like a dried-up mine shaft. Gross. God, I just totally grossed myself out. And after all that, poor dumb CC was still hoping that Janice was going to invite her to move into the house! Awww, they’re like puppies. Puppies with six-pack abs that I want to run my tounge along. Wha?

Oh, and Janice has another “Shocking” announcement. Janice, you can’t play mind games with these models. They get confused, and then they eat too much cottage cheese. In any case, Janice announces that Crystal Trueheart will be moving into the house to be a mentor to the models. By mentor, I can only think she means teaching the girls how to wear frosted eyeliner and bleaching their hair. Maurice also gets to move in, because he wants to have sexual intercourse with Paulina. Yeah, stalking makes for great T.V.

Maurice, are you ready to rub your “Manly-Manly-Manly” all over the place?

Brian-Kehoe-date-rapist asks Janice to move into the house, too, because he’s been living in his car. Really? Why don’t they make a show about that? It can be called Kehoe’s Keyhole. Or, like, Rev up your Kehoe: the wild ride. I should be a T.V. executive. Janice agrees, despite Kehoe’s perchance for drunken assholishness. Meanwhile, Maurice starts his sexual harassment blitzkrieg on poor, weird-lookin’ Paulina. Aww, she kissed a black guy once. Cute! I didn’t know they had black people on Mars. After constant harassment, however, Paulina still finds Maurice attractive. What gives? Every time I try to harass a guy into diggin’ me, all I get is a restraining order and some cuts from scaling their hedge.

Nathan, Janice’s son (gag) takes over management while Janice Dickenson has an orbit gum photo shoot for maxim Will she play an actor, or double as the chewing gum? Do maxim readers really wanna see Janice Dickenson gracing any page of the magazine? I thought you had to be under 100 years old to be featured in Maxim. Emily Shur, a hipster overseeing the shoot, seems to be impressed by Janice “saddlebag” Dickenson. Janice mentions that she’s been training arduously to get her body in peak form for the zombie apocalypse…ahem, I mean, the Maxim photo shoot. Gross. Janice goes topless and her fake, sun-bleached ta tas are all over the place. I almost lost my lunch right there.

Back at the house, Liat Tala goes model-diggin (model grabbin’?) for her company, Kentucky Denim Jeans. Sounds classy. The males strip down and have to wear a ridiculous pink cowboy hat. They also have to sing a song about jeans. I mean, come on, these poor people are models, they aren’t miracle workers. Chandler and deaf guy make it- maybe that’s what’s hip right now in the fashion world? Far placed eyes and lack of hearing? Two girls- Dominique and Paulina- get to be supporting inbreds at the shoot. For, um, a reward, Janice unleashes some crazy on the models living in the house: the girls dress up as guys and the guys dress up as girls. Yeah, I’ve played this game, but it always ends with someone getting laid. The models just seem to bicker as a result, specifically date-rape Kehoe and Fetal alcohol, who abstain from the game.

um, Fun?

Chandler finally gets his bikini on and shows Xian that he can, in fact, be pointlessly ridiculous like the rest of the models. Fetal “despises people who want to be the center of attention,” but hey, isn’t that why you’re modeling, Fetal? Come on, let’s be real. Kehoe gets jealous, though, and both flirt with Xian. If I wanted to flirt with Xian, I’d make a trail of donuts leading to my bedroom. That’d work, for sure. At the end of the day, Janice spies on her models and, I presume, gets into some sort of time capsule to sleep. A leaky time capsule, made of botox and bad dreams.

Until next week, crazies.