Recap: Jericho: Well Slap My Ass and Call Me Mayor

Alright folks, this is it. The Big Jericho Fall Finale Spectacular. Disconnect the phones, unplug the internet, bolt the doors, and lock the children back in their cages, because nothing should disturb you on this, the most wonderful night of the year.

Last week, Emily stole a generator, Gracie got stabbed real good, and Stanley finally got some ass. It’s hard to tell who’s really coming out on top here. But none of that matters now because it’s election day! Who will take the top prize, our favorite incumbent Mayor McCheese? Or his scrappy nemesis, Grimace the Gray? The suspense is mildly engaging me! Actually, I lied. It’s one day before the election, according to the pre-title screen, and it’s been 8 weeks “after the bombs”. Weird phrasing. Looks like the writers’ ten-year-old kids have been editing the script. Again. Hawkins is in his lair, receiving a message via the tubes in the interweb that the traitor has been identified and that he (Hawkins) is to make contact ASAP. But he’s interrupted by little Sam. Hawkins demands to know what his kid has in his hand, and when Sam replies, “a football”, Hawkins angrily snickers and growls “I KNOW that. What’s it FOR?” Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed…of LIES. Sam wants Dad to teach him how to play football, which pisses Hawkins off even further. Father of the year, this one.

Jake, having successfully downed his dosage of crazy pills for the day, is now digging up “Jericho’s First Well”, according to a tablet on the ground. I love when plotlines are clearly outlined on festive little plaques. Emily shows up and they talk about the damn well. Emily says she can remember another first that happened right over there, pointing to what I’m thinking is the town square. This just leads me to believe that Emily and Jake once bumped uglies atop a giant float during the 46th Annual Jericho St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Jake points out another first behind the alley of Bailey’s Bar, and at this point it’s all I can do to keep my Cheetos down. But apparently he’s talking about Emily throwing up while singing a Sinead O’Connor song. Clearly. Emily asks about the deal with Heather, and Jake says he has no intention of hurting her. Emotionally, at least.

Dale discovers Gracie’s bloody, crumpled body on the floor of her store. And she’s not only merely dead. She’s really most sincerely dead. Finally, Jericho grows a pair and offs a main-ish character. Will anyone miss her? Only time will tell. My guess is hell no. Mayor McCheese, Eric, and Gray discuss this new development. No witnesses, and, according to the Mayor, Dale isn’t capable of doing this. Hey, just because Dale has yet to experience the joys of puberty doesn’t mean he can’t wield a knife.

Dale, fondling the breasts of a middle-aged dead woman. A proud moment.

Mitchell breaks up this little box social with the news that Jonah in fact killed Gracie, in order to prove to the rest of his peons that he’s still, uh, solid. Everyone buys this for some reason and they agree to let Mitchell help them track down Jonah. Everyone but Gray. He still thinks Mitchell is a filthy Other and he doesn’t trust him. He then rails on the Mayor, screaming that Jericho is not the same happy little town it has been for the past thirty years. Gray is about as likable as an Old Navy commercial.

Hurley’s long lost Asian twin lives in Jericho!

Jake walks Emily home, needling her about the name of “their song”. He compliments her house, which she says was the first one she and Roger looked at. “When you know what you want, why keep looking?” Jake croons, a line that is FRAUGHT WITH MEANING. Emily flits inside the house, while Jake makes a weird “I so want to hit that” face and leaves. But lo! Upon entering the house Emily is not greeted by a fresh Glade plug-in scent but by an armed and very bloody-armed Jonah. He orders her not to say a word. I like Jonah.

Focus, Jake.

Jake, having just learned about Gracie’s slicing and dicing from, I don’t know, the voices in his head, shows up at the town hall to see what’s shakin’. The fam fills him in, and a general decision to hunt down Jonah is made, but not actually said out loud. I think they may have dropped a line or two. Or fourteen. No matter. Dale wants to come along on My First Manhunt, but Mama creepily says he can’t go because she has to “talk” to him about something. Ew.

Officer Dave Coulier and Officer Jimmy chat about how Gray’s probably going to kill Jonah. He wants to “make an example” out of him, and Officer Dave thinks he has the right idea, which means he’ll probably be voting for Gray. You hear that, Republicans? All you needed was to string up a few alleged criminals from rural Kansas and you would have gotten all the votes you needed. It couldn’t have been more obvious!

Bonnie, back from her three-episode hiatus, brings some eggs into the kitchen and is shocked to find the house in total disarray. And by disarray I mean littered with clothing. Putting two and two and ew together, she barges into Stanley’s bedroom to find…Stanley and Mimi getting it on! There’s an image I want seared into my brain forever. Bonnie storms out of the house and Stanley follows her, having gotten dressed in approximately two milliseconds. What follows is the most intense sign-language fight I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised no one lost an eye. I reproduce it here so that it may live on in our hearts forever. Print it out and decorate your house with its goodness.

Bonnie gets into her truck and drives off, perhaps never to be seen again, at least for a few episodes.

Hawkins and son are throwing the ball around, and Daddy is SO EXASPERATED. Hawkins HATES fatherhood! Why is the whole family pissed that he used to be gone all the time? They’re clearly more miserable now that he’s back. Mommy shows up and teaches Sam how to throw the ball. I think Mommy is a man. Not because I think that only men are good at sports or anything, but because she really looks like a dude. I predict a Crying Game moment in the near future.

Jake shows up and kidnaps Hawkins for JonahHunt ’06. Jake’s heading towards the compound, but Hawkins seems to think that Jonah is more likely to turn to family. You can actually see the gears whirling around in Jake’s head, and after it all connects he says “Hold on!” and makes the slowest and least exciting U-turn in television history. Heck, I’ve even seen THREE-point turns more riveting than this.

Mama has now locked Dale in her dungeon of secrets. Dale is whining and bitching, but Mama is ready to set him straight. Sadly not with a blunt object of some kind. She tells him that after his parents died, Gracie changed her will and left the store to Dale. This just reaffirms my suspicion that Gracie was, in fact, an escaped mental patient. Dale feels bad because he fought with her before she died, and had actually quit his job at the store. Mama explains these things happen in “families”, and that Gracie loved him. But not as much as she loved seafood blowout bargains, am I right people?

Team Jake&Hawkins (Jawkins? Jakeins?) and Team Gray arrive at Emily’s house. At the same time. Oh, shit’s going down. Jake tries to stop Gray by explaining that we can’t just have a bunch of armed vigilantes running around town. Oh but we’re safer with the Greens? Does Jake ever listen to himself talk? Emily saunters outside and Gray demands that he be able to look around. Emily says no, but Gray doesn’t care. Then, and this is hilarious, Officer Dave Coulier says Jonah’s not in the backyard. So everyone leaves. Because, besides a backyard, where else can one hide at a house? THE FRONT YARD?! Don’t be ridiculous. Hawkins agrees to patrol with Gray and they all drive off. Jake, watching them go, asks “Where is he?”, and with the way he says it and the face he makes it just seems like he should be putting his hands on his hips and wagging a finger. He barges into the house to find Jonah pointing a gun at him. Fantastic.

(By the way, I think the St. Jude Children’s Hospital ads with Jennifer Aniston are hilarious. It’s like she’s saying “Look! I care about the less fortunate too! I’m hugging a cancer-ridden child without recoiling in horror! Take THAT, Brangelina!” And the way she says “IT WAS A BRAIN TUMOR” causes me to collapse into giggles each and every time. But seriously, give generously to the kids. Okay, that is all.)

Jonah claims to be innocent. His story is as follows: Mitchell showed up at the compound, told Jonah that he (Mitchell) was framing him (Jonah) for the murder of Gracie (Gracie), and then sliced up his arm. But Jonah introduced Mitchell to his friend Mr. Crowbar and thusly escaped. Now Jake and Emily don’t know what to do with him, but they do know that he needs a doctor or he’ll bleed to death. Too bad he doesn’t have Audrey Raines’ outrageous clotting abilities.

“I’ll blow this pottery into kingdom come, so help me GOD I will.”

Bonnie sees all the flowers in front of Gracie’s store and asks Dale what happened. He gives her the unhappy news. She starts to give him her condolences but is interrupted by that hussy Schuyler, who has also been absent for a few weeks. Maybe there’s a Jericho chapter of the Sulky Teenage Girls Club and these two have been hiding in their secret tree house for the past month. Just then, the rival Teenage Hooligan Boys Club shows up to loot the store, but since Dale is now the owner of said store, he’s not so much a fan of that. Sean the greasy-coiffed leader makes a snide remark and Dale punches him in the face. Aw, Dale. Your testicles just may descend yet.

Hawkins goes home and gets chewed out by the wife. She doesn’t want anything to happen to him, because she and the kids are getting used to having him around. How romantic. Hawkins awkwardly attempts a human connection, but once again fails miserably.

“I’m a man!”

Jake not-so-subtly grabs Dr. Kenchy out of the bar and drags him off to Jonah. Seconds later, he’s done stitching him up. Terrific. Jake decides that Father knows best, so the plan is to bring Jonah over to the town hall, where the mayor can protect him. Emily shows Kenchy to the bathroom so he can wash his bloodied hands, and Jake runs off to play in some dead leaf piles, leaving Jonah to easily sneak out of the house. Great work, everyone.

Hawkins opens up his laptop to find the message: “Response is critical. Send your coordinates ASAP.” Well, this totally flabbergasts the poor guy, and he spends about a minute licking his lips and scratching his nose before he finally types back: “Compromised. Proceed without me.” I wonder if he ever uses that line in bed.

Gray is up on his soapbox at the makeshift Gracie memorial. I find it amusing that Gracie was such a witch they couldn’t find a decent picture of her smiling like a human being. Gray campaigns a little more by promising to serve Jonah’s head on a platter NOW, and not waiting around for that silly little thing called due process.

I sure will miss Gracie’s contempt for everything living.

We see a lovely sun-drenched scene with a tire swing, so my Stanley-senses are tingling. Sure enough, he walks over to Mimi with a big bucket of water and pours it more or less all over the place, causing her to say “Oh, shit!” (At least that’s really what it sounded like. After reviewing the tape, I see that it was in fact “Watch it!” Too bad, I was just about to give Mimi a mental high-five.) Stanley then slaps her ass. Huh? A charming little conversation follows, as Mimi insists that their little romp in the hay was a just a mistake and that they can’t do it anymore. She says she gets almost no second dates, and Stanley correctly guesses that’s because she’s “obnoxious, demanding, and totally self-absorbed”. Mimi agrees and counters that Stanley is totally the opposite and the whole thing will never work. Stanley whips out his secret weapon: “That’s what they said about Brangelina.” DAMN, Stanley! He even goes one step further and starts coming up with couple names for the lovebirds, which include: Stimili, Mimelly, and the clear winner…Stimi. She calls him an idiot and they make out. I love this scene!

My temporary high is destroyed by Eric’s ugly mug. He and Papa yell at Jake for harboring a criminal and loudly decide to get him and bring him back, which Jake even more loudly insists is exactly what he came here for. I think this family just likes to yell. Emily takes this opportunity to deliver the news that Jonah is now on the loose again, and they all scamper off like the sheep that they are. (Do sheep scamper? Eh, whatever.)

HOURS later, the moon high in the sky, Gray apprehends Jonah and brings him back to city hall amongst a bloodthirsty crowd. The Green family jealously watches this little circus. Well boys, you should have started looking for him when Emily told you about it, back at like three o’clock in the afternoon. Idiots.

Back from commercials, Officer Dave Coulier is swearing in…Gray! As mayor! WAIT. We missed the whole election? What in the gosh darn HECK?! In his victory speech, Gray announces that the Chinese food be distributed immediately (like that’ll help, everyone will just be hungry again in a couple hours) and that Jonah will get his comeuppance as soon as possible. The Greens glower.

The ravaged faces of Jericho’s mutated citizenry

Jake tries to comfort Jonah, but probably makes him feel worse just by being there. Emily drops by to tell Jake she’s sorry about his dad losing the election. As am I, because now I don’t know what to call the former Mayor McCheese. Plain old McCheese just won’t do. Maybe I’ll just keep the McWhatever thing going, since for some reason my mom thought it was a Grey’s Anatomy reference anyway.

Mitchell drops by Dale’s new store and kicks Schuyler out so he can talk to Dale, man to “man”. He offers Dale his protection, which Dale doesn’t think he needs since Jonah is now in jail. Mitchell, in a move that clearly shocks the nation, puts a knife to Dale’s throat, demands a large cut of everything he sells, and more or less confesses to Gracie’s murder. Dale just looks kind of bored.

Stop trying to bring back flannel, Dale. It’s not gonna happen.

Tire swing! Mimi is knitting something, which both Stanley and I find to be oddly funny. She said she learned in “the dorm at Vassar”. Because she went to college, people. Mimi is a MODERN, INTELLIGENT WOMAN, and the rest of Jericho folk are IGNORAMI. Stanley points out that whatever she’s knitting belonged to his mother, and she freaks out a little and says she’ll put it back. But Stanley wants her to finish it, because he thinks his mother would have liked her. “Really?” asks Mimi. “No, not at all”, twitters Stanley. They make out again and Stanley busts out with Manley as another possible nickname. (Of note, I would really love for Stanley to follow me around and zing one-liners at me all day. Think of how much more entertaining my life would be. The incessant fiddle music would also be playing.) They decide that Stimi really is the best choice, but before they can get Entertainment Tonight on the phone they are interrupted by Bonnie, who is loudly slamming things around to demonstrate her disapproval.

McDisgraced is staring at the ginormous eagle statue in front of the town hall. Symbolism! Jake arrives to say he’s sorry, when Dale comes flailing over (seriously, he runs like a girl) to tell them that Mitchell is the real killer. Jake gets that crazy look in his eye. YES. Break out the Doritos, the fun is about to begin.

“So this is to be a battle of wits, is it!”

Jake and McConcerned head into the jail, where Gray is about to “move Jonah to a secure location”, or more specifically, that big industrial compound in the sky. Gray says he formed a tribunal and they found him guilty. How Battlestar of you, Gray. Jake tells him about Mitchell’s mini-confession, which Gray dismisses because no one else heard it and they have no proof. Exactly like the situation we have here with Jonah. Fabulous.

(Jonah Fabulous is a great name for a band.)

Jake calls him out and correctly predicts that Gray is just planning on killing Jonah in cold blood. But who’s going to pull the trigger? Officer Dave Coulier? Officer Jimmy? No, it’s all up to Gray. Jake forces Jonah down on his knees and dares Gray to kill him in front of everyone. Take the gun, he says, blow his brains out. Better make sure he’s guilty though, or else you’ll become a murderer yourself. Gray cocks the gun, aims, and then pussies out. Aw, come on. Just throw him out the airlock, I say.

After commercials, McSadness is packing up his office, plot-pointing that Jonah has agreed to leave town and never come back. But we all know he’ll be back in ten years with an If I Did It book and TV special. Because by then Fox will be run by cyborgs and they won’t care about “morality issues”. The disgraced mayor warns Gray not to let democracy fail in the face of anger or fear, and Gray promises to watch out for that. McSnideRemark leaves, sneering, “Oh, I think we’ll all be watching”.

Hawkins, just about fed up with his boring plot this week, is still attempting to play football with his son. Why does every one of Hawkins lines sound like a threat, even when talking to a small boy? “My father was an EXCELLENT ATHLETE. He won lots of AWARDS when he was in SCHOOL. Tell me where the BOMB is” and so forth. He apologizes for sucking at football and not having time to teach him. The kid is still pissed, but Hawkins acts as if he patched everyone up real nice. Mom shows up and the two boys pretend to be enjoying themselves. Hawkins then slaps his wife’s ass. What is it with the Jericho men tonight?! Perhaps there was one really horny writer who kidnapped the thesaurus, and wouldn’t give it back to the rest of the team until they agreed to throw in some ass-slappery.

Jonah apologizes to Emily for screwing up her life. He tells her not to blame Jake for her brother Chris’s death. He admits to pushing Chris to do that job (we still don’t know the details of this) and that he wasn’t ready. The two share a hug, and Jonah points out that Jake still loves her. No shit, Sherlock. Jonah leaves. Finally.

Back on Main Street, there’s a really creepy scene where Sean the Emo Kid approaches Bonnie in her truck to say “Don’t you have a curfew or something?” She looks back confusedly and says no. They share a weird look, and then he gets into the car and they drive off. So Bonnie and Sean are an item? Or is he kidnapping her? Does he have a thing for riding around in deaf strangers’ trucks? I’m hornswaggled.

At the wrap party in the bar, Eric and MaryBailey (by now it’s impossible to use only her first name) dance and flirt. Emily tells Jake that Jonah’s gone, and they proceed to order some paint thinner drink specials. Suddenly, the lovebirds’ Sinead O’Connor drivel pops up on the jukebox, and Emily is really touched by Jake finally remembering the name of their song. They dance. I roll my eyes. Then I laugh, because the CBS ad for whodroppedthebomb.com flashes across the bottom of the screen and it just seems like a really awkward time for that. Emily says that they should be adults about this, which in Jericho language means that should start sucking face immediately.

Jake makes the weirdest faces.

But Eric interrupts this little slice of heaven by demanding that Jake come outside, right now. The sequence of Fall Finale Oh Shit Moments are about to begin! They all exit the bar to find a legion of the undead wandering through the streets. They’re survivors who have been “walking for weeks” and have “been through hell” and “don’t own toothbrushes”. Emily looks into the crowd to find…a bearded and bedraggled Roger! Awkward love triangle here we come!

Mitchell is hiding out somewhere, smoking a cigarette and reveling in his greasiness. A flashlight temporarily blinds him and us, then pulls back to reveal Dale. He shoots Mitchell right in the chest. Gracie, smiling up from hell, approves.

And he died as he lived: with his mouth wide open.

On the Computer of Mystery and Intrigue, Hawkins receives the message “We need to discuss why you are lying to us.” Creepy. Then a satellite image of the world appears and proceeds to zoom in further and further until there is a very clear image of Hawkins and his son failing at their football endeavors. It’s amazing what Google Earth can do these days. “See you soon” flashes across the screen, and the episode ends.

Not bad. It contained all the necessary elements of the increasingly popular fall finale: exciting chases, smoldering love scenes, some cliffhanger endings, and ass-slappery galore. What did you think? Who does Hawkins keep talking to? What sort of stories will the nuclear zombies have to tell? And how are we going to get through the next two months without all this ridiculous tomfoolery?