Recap: Jericho: Anyone Order Chinese?

If bombs were to start dropping tomorrow, I’m sure there would be a lot of chaos and confusion. So I suppose it’s good that I become confused and disoriented every time I watch Jericho. It brings a level of reality to the situation and really makes it a more enjoyable viewing experience. I think it also causes me to lose brain cells. After several weeks of watching, I’ve now forgotten math!

We begin this week with an exciting chase through the Jericho Forest. Jake is running from something (presumably a believable plotline), and is carrying a shotgun, which guarantees that I’m going to be laughing soon. He and one of his cronies hunker down and aim at something. What? WHAT?! The suspense is killing me! Ah, I see. It’s not Jonah, or Ravenwood, or a Chinaman. It’s a turkey. Misdirection, you foul temptress!If bombs were to start dropping tomorrow, I’m sure there would be a lot of chaos and confusion. So I suppose it’s good that I become confused and disoriented every time I watch Jericho. It brings a level of reality to the situation and really makes it a more enjoyable viewing experience. I think it also causes me to lose brain cells. After several weeks of watching, I’ve now forgotten math!

We begin this week with an exciting chase through the Jericho Forest. Jake is running from something (presumably a believable plotline), and is carrying a shotgun, which guarantees that I’m going to be laughing soon. He and one of his cronies hunker down and aim at something. What? WHAT?! The suspense is killing me! Ah, I see. It’s not Jonah, or Ravenwood, or a Chinaman. It’s a turkey. Misdirection, you foul temptress!

Hawkins didn’t want to go turkey hunting because he wants to be home with his family for Thanksgiving. He apologizes to Allison for not bringing home a bird, but she sasses back that she’s a vegetarian. Hawkins dies a little inside. Waaaaaalllt Hawkins asks some more questions about Daddy’s Past, but Daddy deftly evades them and distracts the family with some shiny objects.

I think I saw this in a Norman Rockwell calendar.

Mama McCheese is running a Thanksgiving food drive. I’m just going to do away with my usual fake incredulity and yell now. IF EVERYONE IN TOWN IS STARVING, A CANNED FOOD DRIVE IS POINTLESS. Who is this food going to? Hungry orphans in Africa? Mama invites Emily to Thanksgiving dinner and the annual Green Family Football Tournament. I pray that we get to see this. They both eye Gray, who is carrying a large box plastered with an American flag and the word “VOTE”. Apparently not everyone is thrilled with the delicious decisions of the current mayorburger.

Suddenly, the sky fills up with plot points. Everyone in town looks up to see…planes! Hawkins orders the fam down into the basement, while he runs off to investigate. The townsfolk stare at the heavens, with lots of swooping arm gestures. The planes drop what appear to be giant jellyfish. Jake and Stanley also run off to investigate. And then we get the opening credits, which means that the excitement has officially come to a close. See you next week!

“Why look. There appears to be something in the sky. I am acting.”

Jake and Stanley find one of the jellyfish. Jake starts to open it, but Stanley stops him and asks if that’s such a good idea. Jake, honing his inner teenager, says in a great voice “Well, you wanna do it?” Oh, little Jake. I can just picture you with acne and an air of emo superiority. He opens it anyway to find a bag of Chinese food. I mean, of course, a bag of something with Chinese written all over it. Not a box of lo mein from Mr. Stirfry. Now that’s good shit.

The townies marvel over the other boxes of supplies, which have all conveniently fallen directly onto Main Street. Those Chinese sure do have magnificent aim. Mama McCheese asks why the Chinese would send aid, why not the U.S. government or the Red Cross? Hey. The Red Cross TRIED to help, they just went by the name of Ravenwood. And you shot them up real good. So no more complaints from you.

Mary Bailey and Eric are getting dirty in the back room of the bar. Wait, did she just say that the last batch of alcohol she served was made from paint thinner? It’s unclear whether she’s joking or not, but it would at least be an acceptable excuse for the way everyone acts around here. Their passionate, adulterous kiss is interrupted by Officer Fat. Eric explains that he was just helping Mary out in the back. Heh. So THAT explains why he left April.

Jake grills Hawkins about the Chinese, since he had previously claimed to know Mandarin. Now he’s denying it. We get it, he’s shady. Jake somehow knows that the planes were Russian. Since no one can figure out which communist regime sent the food, Jake decides that it’s probably poisoned. Now no one may have it! Jake has decreed it to be so! Mama, throwing in her bid for best line of the night, shouts “Do you really think the Chinese are trying to poison us?” The town council (aka the Green family) decides to hold off on giving out the food until they know for sure that it’s safe.

Outside, people are semi-rioting. Officer Dave Coulier moronically shoots his gun into the air. IT’S PURE CHAOS! Well, no. Mayor McCheese calms everyone down. Gray, ever the instigator, dramatically pulls a cookie out of the supplies and eats it. Everyone stares in horror. Geez, just imagine what would happen if Cookie Monster dropped by. The town would fall apart!

Gray yells at the Mayor some more, proving that he has unfortunately not yet expired. If he’s still alive tomorrow, then maybe they will distribute the food. Jake marvels over the flyers that were included in every box, which say “Do not fight. China is your friend.” Aw. China either thinks that Jericho is populated by kindergarteners or…well let’s just say they know their audience. Eric takes us on a brief tour of the twelve pallets. Five are filled with food, and the others have medical supplies, water, grain, blankets, and fuel. Two are still missing. I suspect they’re full of Tickle Me Elmos.

Well, I’m sold.

Back at Gracie’s store, Jonah and Mitchell paw through her wares while she howls like a screech monkey. Apparently they have some sort of an arrangement, but after all this audacity she is no longer a fan. Jonah the slimeball steals some stuff and makes some more idle threats, but luckily the Mayor shows up to save the day. He wants Gracie to store all the new food, but only if she stops doing business with Jonah. She agrees to it after some heavy pouting. So Mayor McCheese once again triumphs over those dirty Hamburglers. But he also makes Gracie promise to stop gouging prices, and she reluctantly caves. (By the way, I just reread the first sentence of this paragraph, and ew. But also, hehe!)

Mimi finds one of the missing pallets in Stanley’s cornfield, and it just so happens to be filled with chocolate. Good, because I was just thinking that Mimi needs to be a little more high-strung. Literally five feet away is the final pallet, which contains…a generator! Stanley orders Mimi to take the truck into town and tell Jake. She gets all huffy because she doesn’t want to share the chocolate. Stanley insists that the food is for the whole town. Stanley really is quite the saint. Mimi storms off, and I giggle as a random corn stalk smacks her in the face.

Mama agrees to bring the medical supplies over to April, because if Eric were to go things could get AWKWARD. Papa tries to invite Eric over for Thanksgiving and the big football game, but he declines, because he’s spending the day with Mary. He doesn’t want to put the family in a weird position or anything. Mama steals the words right out of my mouth, zinging with “You could have thought about that before you moved in with your mistress and left your wife with us.” ICE BURN! I love this woman.

Mama berates Papa for not making a bigger deal out of the Eric-Mary-April love triangle. He’s trying not to be a hypocrite, because apparently there had been some drama in the past between him and Another Woman. But wait! It would appear that Mama was in fact the Other Woman! However, according to her, it doesn’t count because they were young and he wasn’t married. And she wasn’t pregnant, like April is. Gwhaaa? This is news to the mayor. However, if you’ll recall, April already told him she was pregnant. He just happened to be unconscious at the time. Men. Always with the excuses.

Stanley, oblivious to reality amongst his precious corn, wakes up to see a giant truck heading towards the generator. He runs over to stop the men who are stealing it, but there are ten of them and they easily take him down. This makes me think of Flat Stanley. Anyone ever read that book as a kid? It’s about a kid that gets flattened. Ah, critically injured children. Good times.

The mayor is moving all the food into Gracie’s store, and Gray is STILL complaining. Officer Dave Coulier, our little vox populi, whines “My family’s hungry nooow, not when you decide it’s okay for them to be hungry”. Jake counter-whines with a surly, teenagerish “We’re hungry too, BILL.” Gray insists that people other than the Greens can also think for themselves. I heartily disagree, Gray. Mimi swoops in to announce the arrival of the generator, and Jake takes off once again.

Alas, he is too late. The generator is gone, and so is Mimi’s credibility. Maybe she caught a whiff of the Brain Disease that’s been ravaging Heather and Emily lately. Ah, but there’s Stanley, bleeding amongst the corn. Guess this generator business checks out after all. Jake looks off into the distance, falls to his knees, and curses the heavens. Well, not really, but that would have been a nice touch.

Can Stanley get any goofier-looking? Vote now!

Back at city hall, Mayor McCheese is once again attempting to keep weapons out of the hands of his inept minions. It just wouldn’t be an episode of Jericho without this futile little circus. Eric and Jake want to go confront Jonah. Daddy is on board, but only if he’s the one calling the shots. Oh, and Gray has to sit this one out. So, no Gray and a strict limitation on firearms. This plan is so crazy it just might work!

Emily sees Jake leaving and tries to stop him. She knows her father (Jonah) and knows that he can only be pushed so far. Jake blows her off YET AGAIN and proceeds on to the compound. Emily looks after him wistfully. This love story is so fascinating I just may fall right off the edge of my seat.

The boys arrive at the compound and slink around. There is a very 24-ish scene wherein SOMEONE cuts through a fence and hides quickly right before an anonymous henchmen catches them. Ooh, who could it be?! The Mayor meets Jonah at the front gate and tries to talk his way in, but Jonah is all Talk To The Hand. Things could be different, says he, if the deal with Gracie were to start up again. Plus, he saved the town from the mercenaries, so he should be allowed to keep the generator. It’s only fair. Is it just me, or is Jonah starting to make some sense? The people of Jericho haven’t exactly proven themselves worthy of owning a complicated device like a generator.

McCheese walks back towards his men, who prepare to launch a big attack. However, the mysterious SOMEONE has knocked out another anonymous henchmen and stolen his truck. Just as the Jericho posse starts to carefully unscrew their can of whoop-ass, the MYSTERIOUS STRANGER drives the truck through the gate! Mitchell almost shoots, but Jonah stops him. But why?! Because it’s Emily, of course!

Back at The Bar, Emily is shooting some pool. Because that’s what one does after stealing a generator. I myself like to play a quick game of bingo after a good old-fashioned engine robbery. Jake yells at her for this and that, clearly not meaning any of it. Because Jake wants a slice of the Emily pie. She knows this, and asks why he can’t just say that she did a good job, because that’s what he’s thinking. Jake retorts with a resounding “Wha? No!”, further cementing his regression into adolescence. Wow, you could cut this sexual tension with a knife. But I wouldn’t recommend it.

“No, YOU shut up!”

Mayor McDad sits down to have a heart-to-heart with his very own source of constant disappointment, Eric. He gets right to the point and tells him that April is pregnant. This flabbergasts Eric, who is both upset that he had to hear it from his father, and upset that his seed has been planted without his knowledge. Bravo to his father, I say. McDad doesn’t beat around the bush. Whereas it seems that Eric has been beating around many a bush these days. In a moment of temporary wisdom, Eric says that bringing a child into a bad marriage isn’t going to save it. McDad finally says what needs to be said: that Eric has to stop being so selfish, now that he has procreated (shudder). Eric confesses that he never really loved April. Well, Eric, you should have kept your penis informed.

Mimi dresses Stanley’s wounds with his old friend, iodine. Stanley is embarrassed to take his shirt off in front of her, and she chastises him for blushing. He blames the iodine and starts to button up, but she demands that the shirt come off. I don’t know what’s sexier, Stanley’s jello-ish physique or the sensuousness that comes with iodine caressing. He asks about what she usually does on Thanksgiving, and she replies that she and her mother go to a resort in Mexico and get wasted on mango margaritas. You know, I get the fact that Mimi is supposed to be all cosmopolitan and out of touch with the real American people, but this is a bit much. She strokes him a little more while he winces. If this isn’t romance, I don’t know what is.

God smiles upon the StanleyLove.

Back in Jonah-land, pressure is mounting. Mitchell isn’t happy. He thinks Jonah is getting soft because he wouldn’t kill his daughter and he lets Mayor McCheese walk all over him. This scene pretty much just serves as foreshadowing for a future mutiny. Mark my words. Mark them well!

Jake finds a microchip in one of the parachutes. Hawkins identifies it as being from the U.S. Air Force. Mayor McCheese, God bless him, sums up everything the audience is feeling in one awesome line: “Let me get this straight. We’re talking about Vietnam-era planes flying through Kansas airspace doing a Chinese drop and they’re using U.S. Air Force equipment to do it.” This further solidifies my theory that the writers are using the dartboard approach, and that they’ve now enhanced it with a map of the world. Also, they’re drunk. Very, very drunk.

Adorable Stanley has made some Tang-o margaritas for his little strumpet. Mimi is touched, and the two proceed to suck face as violins sing in the background. Aww.

Nice to see that the Jericho Tanning Salon is still fully operational.

Eric drops by the Greenhouse, but not for the Green Football Tournament of Champions. He wants to talk to April. They have a very strained conversation about the marriage and the baby and the future. He says he’ll help with the baby. She doesn’t believe him. He yells. She yells. Gah, their wooden acting makes for wooden recapping.

Hawkins hooks up the generator. He runs to get his family so that they can see what he’s been doing all day while they’ve been choking down tofurkey. They follow him out to Main Street, and Officer Dave Coulier throws the switch. The lights spring to life, and so does the soundtrack. That’s right, it’s time for the Adult Contemporary Montage of Happiness. This week’s installment is set to Five for Fighting’s “World”. Let’s watch, shall we? Townspeople revel in the light. Gray broods. Emily shows up at the Greenhouse, mooching as usual. They all share a touching dinner. Eric and Mary Bailey kiss. Gracie gets stabbed. Wait, what? As Gracie bleeds out, the song warns us to “be careful what you wish for”. I don’t think Gracie wished to be stabbed. Or maybe she did. She’s quite the cantankerous old coot.

There’s a sale on Twinkies!

And there you have it. Next week is the big fall finale. Some more people show up, Jake yells a lot, and Stanley and Mimi get caught in bed together! I just may watch this episode all the way through!