Well, praise the Lord. An episode of Jericho that actually explains itself. Now, whether or not we are to believe this vast web of possible lies is something else altogether, but for now let’s just go with it. And apologies for last week’s missing recap. You’ll never guess what happened to me. I was abducted by a strange group of ruffians and forced to mass produce a field full of windmills! It was terrible! I need a swig of paint thinner!
So let me fill you in on the latest happenings. Last week, the whole refugee situation finally boiled over. Jericho no longer had the resources to support both the refugees and its own people, so Grey decided to run them out of town. Except that Roger, their ringleader and Emily’s boyfriend, didn’t like this plan, so he went ahead and shot Grey and held him hostage until they came up with a solution. But Mama Green saved the day, suggesting that the refugees live in the homes of people who left Jericho and are assumed dead. Huzzah! As a result of shooting the mayor, Roger was run out of town. No, really. In other news, Dale and Skylar decided to take up the hobby of vigilante justice, and Hawkins, under the guise of Sara, followed some shady people and rolled around the ground a lot and took some pictures. At the end of the episode, everyone gathered in Mary Bailey’s bar to listen to the radio, which said to be on the lookout for people with fake FBI badges. Fat Cop realizes that Hawkins has such a badge. Intrigue! In a fanciful flashback, Hawkins and the ole ball and chain Darcy, in a lovely red dress, are out for a night of dancing. He puts her into the car, probably because she’s totally hammered, when he notices a man watching them. Hawkins wakes up in the present day, alone and miserable and possibly up to some sort of personal shenanigans in his own bed. He makes his way down into the kitchen and answers his little Blackberry, which is happily beeping away. He ignores it and finally decides to get out of the house for a bit. As he leaves, he sets a paper clip in the door. Possibly to tell if an intruder has come in, possibly to remind himself to buy office supplies. So many mysteries.
“I miss the way Darcy did nothing but wash dishes all day.”
Jake and Emily are walking down the street, talking. How perfectly sweet. Apparently she’s opening up a school. Hey, that’s a terrific idea. Guess someone is grieving for the loss of their trigger-happy fiance by trying to teach children how to learn again. Fat Cop waddles up and tells Jake the news about the fake FBI badges. To the Wild Accusations Mobile!
So Frick and Frack decide to break into Hawkins’ house. Jake isn’t a fan of this, pointing out the pesky fact that this is technically breaking and entering, but Fat COP says it’s no problem. Listen to the police, Jake! They’re like scientists, but with the law! Jake continues to be snippy while Fat Cop keeps poking around the house. Jake finds the paper clip on the floor in the doorway and has a Thought.
They eventually find the bunker, complete with map and a drawer full of fake IDs and cash. Meanwhile, Hawkins has returned, and notes the fact that the paper clip is still in the door. Oh Jake, you master of deception, you. Hawkins continues downstairs, only to find his bunker door wide open, and Jake pointing a gun at his head. Jake intensely seethes, “Who are you?”, which results in a hearty chuckle from yours truly.
After the commercial (thank GOD they gave us a minute to recover ourselves from the shock), Jake makes Hawkins slide over his gun. He asks, with a straight face, if Hawkins wiped out twenty-three American cities. Oh man. Can someone make Jake president? Think of the wacky antics he’d get this country into! Hawkins correctly balks at this, which only encourages Jake to ask more ridiculous questions.
Over at Emily’s Skool, she is standing in front of a map, “teaching”. She says that no one knows what’s going on in the rest of the country, so the only thing that they can be sure of is – you guessed it – Jericho. She then goes on to ask the eternal question – how do we rebuild? Well, we look to history, and other such clichÃ©s. One kid, who looks a lot like Dale, does us all a favor and asks if she’s taking attendance, and when she answers no he decides it’s not worth it and leaves. Along with four other kids. This leaves only Allison Hawkins, doing her best to surly up the room.
Mimi is out in the yard, arguing with a bunch of chickens. Yes, really. She is apologizing to the one who has laid the fewest eggs and whose head she is planning on chopping off. She says that she doesn’t want to, but she’s damn hungry and is sick of eating sprouts. She has a concern, though. She has heard rumors of what happens in these types of situations, so she gently implores it not to run around after the deed is done. The chicken sits and looks at her. “Sprouts it is,” she sighs. What the hell was this scene all about?
“I’m not that annoying, am I?”
“Please go away.”
Papa Green is out in the woods, hunting. Some guy named Harry, who is apparently Eric’s stand-in while he’s off galavanting in Windmill Country, asks him to come back. Papa says no, then threatens to shoot him. Hehe. Papa is cool.
Hawkins tells Jake that he’s been monitoring the phone calls of suspected terrorists. Jake doesn’t buy it. Hawkins reaches for one of his hidden guns, but alas, it has no bullets. Jake smugly tells him that he’s emptied all of his hidden weaponry, so Jake is the only one who has a loaded gun, so Hawkins better start talking. He handcuffs him to a chair, then continues to press, to no avail. Jake needs some more practice at this. Maybe he should wander over to the Skool to get some lessons on how to rebuild. (Look to history!)
A few moments later, Hawkins has apparently been broken by Jake’s whining. Don’t be ashamed, Hawkins, greater men than you have caved under his Reign of Fussiness. He tells Jake that he works for the CIA as part of an off-the-books team that has been tracking bombs. The U.S. had brought the bombs in from the Soviet Union, and Hawkins’ job was to do what he does best – satellite installation. And here I thought he was going to say something really cool like stealth spy assassin. Guess I forgot the number one rule of Jericho: always expect disappointment.
Another flashback. Hawkins enters some sort of satellite facility. He tells the secretary he has an appointment. She almost shoots him in the face, when they have a little coded exchange, and she grants him access. He enters a boardroom, where he meets Sara for the first time. The Bald Man (not to be confused with dead Bald Guy) in charge explains to the room that there a shipment of nukes went missing. They have been broken down into smaller bombs and dispersed through the U.S. to “domestic militia, anarchists, and religious fanatics” who want to take down the government. Interesting. He doesn’t know who’s in charge, but he’s sure that the person is American. The agents are to be broken into pairs and go undercover with the cells. Oh boy! Project!
Jake asks why he came to Jericho. Hawkins tells him to grab the map behind the desk. Jake does so and opens it. It’s a map of the projected fallout scenarios across the country. Hawkins explains that Jericho is outside of all the fallout zones, and it was the rally point for the teams in case they failed in their missions. In other words, Jericho is Boring City USA, and Hawkins is its mayor.
Let’s take a small break from all this confessional intrigue to harp on the dead chick. Mama is at the cemetery, talking to dead April. It’s nice to see that even in times of crisis, the local monument artisan is still crankin’ out headstones. April sure is lucky.
Mimi goes back inside to find Sean, Bonnie’s man-whore, finishing up all of the sprouts. How DARE he?! Mimi gapes and asks if he slept there. He snarks that he didn’t do much sleeping, complete with bumping gestures of a sexual nature. Mimi is naturally horrified, as Bonnie floats through the room snottily.
Back to Bunker Confessions. Hawkins explains that it took two years to properly infiltrate the terrorist cells. He was able to get fake FBI badges made for them all, and the handoff was to be done with a guy named Darrell. Well, during this the real FBI showed up and Hawkins was arrested. Turns out Darrell was an informant. Luckily for Hawkins, his cover wasn’t blown, and his connections got him out. He recommends to his boss that they take down the cells right now, that way they can at least get a third of the bombs. Sara has a way to speed things up, and she starts whispering to Bald Man.
Mama Green, meanwhile, is traipsing around the woods. She finds her husband, up in his little hunting tower, blissfully ignorant of his wife and dead daughter-in-law and the rest of the world. She asks why he didn’t come see to see April with her (um, that’s kind of self-explanatory) and asks if he’s coming home for dinner. When she gets no answer she reminds him that there are no deer left. He snaps back that he’ll be here for a while, then. She leaves. Looks like this marriage is really heating up!
Mimi is out in the backyard, confiding in her new chicken buddy. Mimi has gone off of what we in the business like to call “the deep end”. She’s complaining about Bonnie when who should appear but the sultry deaf seductress herself, riding by on horseback with her fuck buddy Sean. Mimi approaches them and shouts that Sean is no longer welcome in this house. Bonnie just looks amused and walks away. Because communication is the backbone of family.
Emily asks Allison why she can’t go home. Allison tells her that she did something horrible, and that her mother keeps looking at her in a horrible way. Maybe it’s because you’re not able to keep up with her strict dishwashing schedules, ALLISON.
Back in the flashback, Hawkins is trying to help Darrell escape from the cell, promising that he’ll be put into witness protection. Well, the plan goes sour and the cell leader shows up. Hawkins and Darrell run away down a fire escape, then quickly become trapped in an alley. Darrell pleads for Hawkins to help him, or else he’ll tell the cell leader who he really is. Hawkins does the only sensible thing and puts a bullet in the kid’s head. The cell leader comes out and admires his handiwork. Hawkins explains to Jake that that’s how he gained their trust. And speaking of trust, since Hawkins has now managed to pick the lock on his handcuffs, he quietly sneaks up behind Jake and easily disarms him. Haha. Oh, Jake. You couldn’t even capture a gaggle of sea monkeys without them eventually overtaking you.
“I certainly didn’t see THIS coming!”
Fat Cop, probably well onto his fifth donut of the day, has finally become suspicious. He calls out for Jake, but Hawkins makes it clear that he can’t be involved. They act cool for a moment while Fat Cop drops in to see what’s the haps, and Jake is able to get rid of him. Hawkins makes a big show out of emptying his gun, then says that it’s time the two be able to trust each other. He also informs him that the Tell portion of today’s entertainment has come to a close, and that the Show act will begin in just a few moments, so now would be a good time to grab a refreshment from the lobby.
Darcy picks up her daughter from Skool and more or less asks her why she even bothered. Hehe. Darcy sure knows the value of education. Allison cries that she knows her mother doesn’t want her around the house, and Darcy of course assures her that that’s not the case. She says she loves her and that nothing will change that. Oh really? How about a murder charge?
Hawkins is pulling up the damn floorboards. Jake asks if he made it into the cell, then what happened? Why did the bombs go off? Hawkins explains that the terrorists were somehow tipped off. They decided to strike immediately. Hawkins says that they were able to call in some of the descriptions of the trucks, and that they were able to stop a few, such as the bombs meant for New York City, but they clearly weren’t able to stop them all. Jake’s like, ya think?
Flashback to Darcy in the red dress. Again, Hawkins sees the mysterious guy, who waves him over. The guy mumbles that Hawkins hasn’t been returning his phone calls. They need him back, and his family will be there when this whole thing is over. The team is meeting tomorrow, and he can go and he can walk away if he wants. He returns to the car and Darcy gets plenty mad at her stupid non-dishwashing husband.
Hawkins is now digging through the floor in his basement. Finally he hits something and proudly shows Jake. Jake, eyes bugging clear out of his head, wimps “Is that what I think it is?” No, Jake, it’s a highly advanced toaster oven. Hawkins explains that it was meant for Columbus, Ohio, and that he has made it his job to keep it save, plus it gives Jericho a hefty amount of power. What happens next, he says, is up to Jake. So yeah, the town’s doomed.
Jake and Hawkins exit the house. Jake tells Fat Cop that Hawkins is in fact FBI, and Fat Cop stammers an apology and scuttles away. That’ll teach him not to stick his nose in other people’s business. That’s not what cops are about.
“So, he was an undercover circus clown all along? Man, I was way off.”
Mimi walks back into the house with the dead chicken, ready to do some plucking. Oh man, she killed her only friend. That’s rough. See what this country is coming to?! Bonnie sneers that they usually do that outside. What a little brat, I don’t care how much she can’t hear. Mimi tries to sign to her that Stanley and Bonnie are important to her, and that she wants them to be safe. And that she’s trying. Bonnie signs back that she’ll try too. Aw. Don’t these two try and make up like every single week, then the next week they’re right back to their quarrelsome antics? Mimi should really start befriending more farm animals.
Mama brings some dinner to her lonely hunter husband. Then she leaves. These two are on FIRE!
That night, Hawkins has a fit of nightmares. He hears all sorts of voices in his head. He eventually comes to the realization that the guy in the pictures that he took last week (the man whom Sara had had shady dealings with) is in fact Bald Man, the head of his CIA mission! He writes down on the picture: Valente – DHS. Department of Homeland Security, I believe. Yeah. I figured it out.
So. Who knows what all of this means. I suspect they’ll try to explain it a little more in the upcoming weeks, but even though it was enlightening it was also somewhat confusing. I apologize if I got any of the details wrong, I tend to hit the bottle during this show. Thoughts? Comments? Anyone got a nuclear bomb buried in their basement?