Like Prison Break, Except Not Awesome

Hello, fellow fans of bland Kansas apocalypses. I apologize for the missing recap last week, due to technical difficulties and a random elephant stampede through my living room I was unable to get around to it. But here’s what happened: The guys who had gone to New Bern in exchange for windmill generators returned, all except our dear boy Eric. Jack, the little puppy dog that he is, of course jumps right up and runs off to New Bern to rescue his big brother. He and Hawkins break into the big “windmill generator factory” they have there, only to find out that they’re actually making weapons, and are gearing up for a war on Jericho. I doubt a tiff between two small Kansas towns qualifies as a “war”, but I digress. The New Berners even have an inventory and a nice little map that outlines all of Jericho and marks out how much land everyone will get once they take over. Not surprisingly, Jake gets caught and is thrown in jail. Hawkins is still on the loose, and Eric, who Jake finally finds in the slammer, tells him that Heather is dead. NOW HOW WILL WE MAKE ICE?! Dale and Skylar, both of whom have worn out their welcome about seventeen episodes ago, are also still up to no good. One of their deals with the New Berners has gone sour, and now Officer Dave Coulier and Grey (who seems to have recovered nicely from the BULLET WOUND TO THE STOMACH) run up to the salt mines to find a bunch of angry people beginning to riot.

Meamwhile, Hawkins, still skulking around New Bern, shows up at Ted’s house. Ted is a good guy. He helped out Jake and Hawkins in the last episode, and he also used to be friends with Heather. Maybe he’s the one who taught her how to turn poop into ice.

Constantino, the mayor/sheriff/führer of New Burn, is interrogating Jake. He asks where Hawkins is, but Jake isn’t answering and wants to know what happened to Heather. Jake, do you really care? I know I don’t. Constantino orders Jake back to his cell, and Jake yells some more, which is apparently all he’s good for these days.

Jake tries to talk to Eric, who is beyond depressed and isn’t really in it to win it anymore. He says that he doesn’t want to go back to Jericho, because it’s too painful. Yeah, a world without April is truly one of horror. Such a vibrant personality, wasted. It’s too much to bear! Jake starts blabbing on about how when they were young, there was a meteor shower that he wanted to wake up Eric for, but Eric kept telling him to go away so he ended up missing it. Well, Jake’s not giving up on him this time. I could be wrong, but I think what Jake’s trying to say here is that he wants to be an astronaut when he grows up.

“Man, Idol Gives Back was depressing. Damn those adorable African kids and their infectious spirit! Where’s my wallet?!”

Grey, back at the salt mine, is trying to get rid of the New Berners. It’s not working. Dale and Skylar are whining about something or other, things get heated, shots ring out, and it becomes a full-scale riot. FINALLY.

Later, the hospital is flooded with the injured. Mama is running around like a crazy woman, trying to tend to the patients and provide some semblance of organization. Apparently this place is just falling apart without April’s wimpy guidance. Skylar has twisted her ankle, which serves her right for…I don’t know…being so annoying. She apologizes to a nearby woman whose son was shot, and the woman snaps back at her, saying that her father sure would be proud of her. I mean, his daughter’s antics caused a riot, isn’t that the dream of every parent?

Mary Bailey is pestering Mama about Eric, but she doesn’t have TIME for this. Mama tries to make her help out with, you know, the dozen or so people bleeding to death, but Mary quickly fails at this and is subsequently shooed away. Eric sure can pick the winners.

“I’M A DELIGHT.”

Grey is yelling in his office, which is pretty much all he’s been doing since he became mayor. Papa comes in to inform him that one of the riot victims has died. Papa Green always knows how to brighten up a room. Russell tries to make a deal with Grey, but he just continues yelling. Russell tells Papa that his sons are in New Bern, which prompts Papa to pack his bags and run after them. So I guess some of Jake’s stupidity comes from genetics.

Maggie, the fake Marine who almost got it on with Jake, is also arrested in New Bern and brought to the jail. It’s a Jericho Family Reunion! She tells Jake that she got caught, since the whole Marine charade was kind of hard to pull off without a tank that said “HI WE’RE THE MARINES!!!!11″ Her group split up and she tried to sneak into New Bern, which is what has brought her here today. She tells Jake that she can get them all out if only she could offer Constantino something he wants, such as information. She promises that she can get all three of them out and back to Jericho, but Jake is still skeptical for some reason. However, I’m betting he still wants to get into her pants.

Mama and Papa are at the hospital, saying their goodbyes before Papa runs off to New Bern. She tells him to be careful, she doesn’t want to lose all three of her boys. But two she could handle. He promises to bring them home and they kiss, finally, after a seven-episode dry spell.

Eric has been taken to the interrogation room, so Jake decides it’s time to do some more yelling. The guards bring some sort of bed/stretcher contraption into the room, which is followed by several pained screams from Eric. What are they doing? Forcing him to make his bed? Maggie begs Jake to let her help, and tortured by Eric’s torture, he relents.

After the commercial, Maggie finds herself in the interrogation room. She spills the beans about Hawkins and tells them he’s with Ted. The guards start to leave but she screams that she has to go with them, Constantino said she could. They roll their eyes and pull her out of the room, but warn her that if Hawkins isn’t there, they’re going to shoot her.

Russell and Papa arrive in New Bern, and the guards let them in, for some strange reason I can’t quite figure out. Papa even threatens them menacingly, but still they open the gates. Constantino should really check in on his goons, I think they’ve lost the passion for their work.

Hawkins and Ted are bumming around town, hiding from said goons. Hawkins wants to go back to the factory for some mortar shells. Oh, that Hawkins, always up to something!

Papa and Constantino, now in conference, are engaging in small talk, mostly about Eric and the salt mine riots. By the by, Salt Mint Riot would make a great band name. Constantino is bitter for some reason about the fact that Jericho never warned New Bern about Ravenwood, who ended up charging through and totally ravaging the town. He’s also kinda steamed about the fact that Papa’s sons broke into his factory and found out his terrible secret. He leaves this last part out, so Papa is understandably confused as to why his kids would break into a wind turbine factory, and says that none of this makes any sense. And it’s true! His sons are usually so clear-thinking and competent! Constantino tells him that the boys are in holding, and Papa demands to see them. NOW!

Two faces? Or a vase?

Maggie and a lone officer are sitting outside Ted’s house while the other goons run inside to find them. The guard notices that it’s been a while since they went in, so he handcuffs her to the car and goes off by himself to investigate. Moron. A few seconds go by, then Hawkins of course comes flying out of the house, gun drawn and pointed squarely at Maggie. She yells that she’s with Jake and keeps screaming the word “Columbus” over and over, which is apparently Jake’s little code word. Columbus – the city that Hawkins’ bomb was supposed to hit. Clever, JAKE. He’s probably sitting in his cell right now, chuckling and high-fiving himself for being so witty. Ted exits the house as Hawkins uncuffs Maggie, telling her that the cops have been “dealt with”. Ted looks sick. They all hatch a plan to cause an explosion in town, which will create chaos and give the boys a chance to get out. But why would they want to leave? New Bern has been more exciting in the past hour than Jericho has been in the past six months!

Eric leaves the interrogation room and is quite bloody. Guess he really didn’t want to do his chores. He tells Jake that they wanted to know everything about Jericho’s defenses, and though he didn’t tell them anything, he now realizes that they have to get back home as soon as possible. So Eric has regained the will to live. Great. I’m really looking forward to watching him smear his face all over Mary Bailey again. It’s wicked exciting.

Jake, apparently losing the battle against constipation.

Back at the hospital, Mama thanks Emily for all of her help, and apologizes for being so abrupt earlier. Uh, Mama? You’re a nurse. That’s your job. Anyone ever met a nurse that wasn’t abrupt in one way or another? Didn’t think so. Emily tells her that Mary is really trying, and that she should give her a chance. Mama explains that being in the hospital is constantly reminding her of April, and that she misses her so much. Really? No, seriously, really? What could these people possibly miss about April? Her boring personality? Her screechy voice? HER PASTINESS? Emiliy points out that Mama and Mary have a lot in common: they’re both a couple of tough broads and they’re both hard-headed. This pleases Mama.

Skylar is stacking salt in Dale’s store, feeling all guilty and possibly bloated. She whines to Dale about all of this seemingly random criticism that is coming her way regarding her father. She insists that he was a good man and that he was was liked. Yes, but was he well-liked? Dale explains that people were only nice to him because he had a lot of power. Thanks Dale! You’re so helpful!

Hawkins, Maggie, and Ted are hanging out around the factory. Hawkins gives Ted the gun and tells him to take out the sniper first if need be. Ted looks as if he’s going to pass out. Come on, Ted. Grow a pair. He tells Maggie that five months ago he was customizing his truck. She says that she was getting ready to defend her dissertation on Russian Literature. Fascinating. They ask Hawkins what he was doing, but he says he doesn’t remember, and runs off to go shoot some things. Hawkins doesn’t have time for your questions, you foolish mortals!

“Gun? What is gun?”

Papa is outside city hall, waiting to go in and see his jailbird sons. He tells Russell that he can come to Jericho, but Russell says that if he stays then maybe he can stop all this. Russell appears to be delusional. He tells Papa that if the situation goes sour, he should go to the railroad tracks and head east to the next checkpoint, where he can save his game and not have to play the New Bern Level all over again. Constantino comes out and tells him that they’ll have to do this another time. In fact, if Papa will bring back the shot victims of the SALT MINE RIOT (touring this summer), he will grant him fifteen minutes with his sons. Well, Papa isn’t a fan of this, but Constantino doesn’t really care, and tells him that the police will escort him back to the checkpoint.

Hawkins sneaks around the back of the factory and finds a truck that is being loaded with mortar shells. He deftly shoots the driver in the head and slips into the cab without anyone noticing and drives away. Nice work, Hawkins. Jack Bauer would approve.

Eric is taken away by the guards yet again. They must really hate untidy interrogation rooms.

Hawkins opens up the truck and takes out a couple shells.

Maggie shows up on the front steps of City Hall, screaming for the guards not to shoot because she needs to talk to Constantino. Oh! Then come right in, m’lady!

Hawkins tucks the shells into the engine of the truck.

Maggie tells Constantino that Hawkins is planning to blow up the factory and then the city hall. Constantino doesn’t believe her, so he has the guards throw her back into jail. She resists, and in the scuffle grabs one of the goon’s keys.

Jake is then brought into the interrogation room, where Eric is sitting grumpily. The guards put a knife up to Jake’s throat and scream at Eric to spill everything he knows. Psf. Stupid guards. Don’t you know that the only way to get information out of someone involves the patented Jack Bauer electrocution-by-floor-lamp maneuver?

Funny, I always imagined Jake would die from a freak potato gun accident.

Hawkins drives the truck back to the factory, gets out, and starts wiring it up.

Eric screams for them to let Jake go, Jake screams at Eric not to tell them anything, and I scream at this show for all of the quick cuts that drive a recapper crazy.

Hawkins places a weight on the accelerator and sends the truck into the factory, which causes a massive explosion. In the town, everyone runs away, leaving Papa all alone to steal a truck and drive off. A modern-day pirate, that Johnston Green.

Constantino hears the explosion and demands that the boys be taken to the warehouse. To put them into storage?

Poor Ted is just too wimpy to take out that sniper. Hawkins returns and tells him that everything is going fine, but Ted says he can’t do it and runs away. Fine. Go make your daisy chains and flash your peace signs, you dirty hippy. We don’t want you here.

Hawkins runs over to city hall, where the boys are being led out, and starts shooting like a maniac. He in turn is shot by the sniper, but keeps going until all of the guards are down. Jake and Eric grab some guns and they all shoot back at the sniper. Maggie comes running out the front door and gets shot in the leg, which is exactly what you get for running headfirst into gunfire. Idiot. Papa shows up with the truck and they all pile into it and drive away. Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom!

That bitter woman from earlier stops by Dale’s store to pick up some meat. Yes, someone’s horse died and now there is meat. Whatever. She pays the price in grain but Dale, the little bastard, tells her that the price has gone up. She begs Skylar for the meat (hehe), because the doctor said her son needs protein, what with him recuperating from a bullet shot and all. Skylar caves and gives it to her, which causes the woman to say that her father was a good man. Skylar says that yes, he was. Duck! Delusions are flying everywhere!

A random pair of hands is washing dishes. Darcy? Is that you? Oh, it’s Mary Bailey. Mama stops into the bar, and Mary hands her some more antiseptic, which is what she’s been using her still for these days. They engage in some chitchat, then Mama tells her that if the boys don’t return by dawn, Grey is going to go look for them himself. Which surely won’t end in disaster. Mama leaves for home, and tells Mary that if she hears anything, she’ll let her know. Mary promises the same. Aw. They’re bonding. I don’t care.

The truck has run out of gas. The boys cover it up with some leaves and start walking the rest of the way back to Jericho. Hawkins insists that Maggie isn’t going to make it, but Jake says that she didn’t give up on them so they’re not going to give up on her. Meh, I like what Hawkins said better. Also, didn’t Hawkins get shot? I’ll just assume the bullet was stopped by a nuclear bomb he was hiding in his jacket. The gang shares a bottle of whiskey, Eric thanks Jake for coming to get him, and they all look up at the stars. SYMBOLISM!

To be honest, I enjoyed this episode. I thought the action was pretty compelling and actually furthered the plot for once. I’m glad they’ve stopped making episodes about trading posts and corn supply. Hopefully the next few will be decent as well, because that’s it for the rest of the season. Thoughts? Comments? Ever blow up a factory by using the exact item it produces? META.