Recap: Jericho: Finalist Submission I

By Cristina

Ok so since we are a couple of weeks behind I figured I should first give a quick recap of what happened on the last episodes, since it was all, you know, “important stuff.”

Previously on Jericho: the city celebrates Halloween almost as though nothing has happened. It appears that although their food supply is dwindling there is an over-abundance of candy corns! Hoorah! We meet Jonah who is Mitchell’s boss, Emily’s estranged dad, and father to Chris, the guy who got shot because of Skeet’s flakiness. Can this whole plot just get swallowed by a whale and die already. Anderson, one of the apocalyptic horseman, returns to inform everyone that New York City did not get hit but DC definitely did. This sends Mimi into a wicked shame spiral but in the end she and Stanley have a moment and eat wheat thins, the panacea for all heartache. Rod’s story begins to piece together a bit more as we find out that he and Darcy had actually been separated because, no surprise, he’s a workaholic. Since he seemed to know about the impending bombs he went and yanked his family from DC and took Darcy with him. Gracie continues to be a heartless bitch. Jonah’s henchmen break Mitchell out of jail. Papa Smurf stops breathing, dies, and then comes back to life minus working organs. He has 12 hours to live unless the boys can find some special meds that they ran out of in Jericho. Skeet and Eric head out to some place called “Rogue River” which is all very Oregon Trail to me, and the pianos of hope play strong as Skeet and Eric embark on their journey. But before they leave Heather takes this opportunity to lay a hot steamy one of Skeet. The tension builds, as does my tolerance for alcohol! Will the boys be able to forge the Rogue River!?!Scene opens on an empty highway and the timeline tells us that it is 1 month after the bomb. Bomb? What bomb? I thought this show was all about emotions and love and foo foo la la? The Brothers Green are driving hella fast through Kansas but instead of corn there are just a lot of dead bodies. Eric decides that right now is the perfect time to have a little heart to heart or H2H if you will. He wants to know where Skeet has been all of these years, but Skeet is a man of many secrets. Skeet lashes out and basically tells Eric that he needs to stop using the past as an excuse for not moving on in the future, i.e. get out of your loveless marriage you loser. Eric gets really defensive but Skeet reminds him that “life is short” and we should carpe diem and shit. Skeet, you are so wise.

Back in town Anderson is suspicious and wants to do a background check on all of the families who moved into town right before the explosion, and by all of the families he means Rod’s. Anderson needs to stop drinking the Haterade for reals.

At The House of Lies Darcy is busy baking a pie in their makeshift oven that Rod has rigged. It’s moment’s like this when I really wonder what the writers are thinking. Would I be baking a pie in the face of nuclear holocaust? I think not! RAGE! Darcy reminds the kids that under that web of deceit their dad is a pretty cool guy. For a moment there you believe that she might even still have some feelings for him. Hot spy sex?! This tender moment is interrupted by a surprise visit from Anderson and Fat Jimmy. Rod invites them into his living room for a chat, but Fat Jimmy stays behind to have some pie. Seriously Jimmy, put down the fork!

Anderson tells Rod about his apocalyptic journey to hell, aka Topeka where people feared that the bombs were the beginning of a foreign invasion. Turns out the bombs were not dropped on us but rather detonated from within the country. He knows this because in New York someone suspicious was caught with a truck full of whatever it is that makes up a nuclear bomb. So riddle me this, Rod, how did they get this stuff into the country without some help from inside? That IS a very good question, but I kind of think that Anderson is too dumb to have thought of it. Rod being the bad ass manipulator that he is responds, “Do you really think that I was the mastermind behind the largest terrorist attack in the history of the world?!” and Anderson replies, “Were you?” Oh snap! They both awkwardly laugh it off but you can tell that neither of them trusts each other. Rod’s stares at him as if to say, I know you think you know what you know but you don’t know what you think you know because I know what you want to know. At least that’s what I’m hearing in the subtext.

Back at PapaSmurf’s mushroom mansion April tells Gail that PapaSmurf can only last for another 12 hours based on his condition. What is his condition you ask? He has the flu. My vote is to keep the man in a coma so that we don’t have to hear his judgmental tones. Emily appears to be kicking it with the Greens since her only living relative is blackmailing the town for food. Heather shows up with a brown bag of food that she has magically pulled from her ass. Seriously, wasn’t there a food shortage! Come on writers! Small talk ensues and Heather waxes on about the joys of processed cheese. Apparently it doesn’t need to be refrigerated. Another useless fact! Also no electricity means no ice to bring down PapaSmurf’s fever. Let’s just take a moment to process this. Their country is under attack and these 2 women are chit chatting about processed cheese and ice. SERIOUSLY! Cue the hail storms and locust already! Heather seems to remember a science fair project that a student did where they made ice. Who knew those old science projects would ever come in handy! Imagine if someone was like “If only I had a model volcano, I could save my dad’s life.” Then I could be like…wait, get me some clay, baking soda, and food coloring! I can do this! The women unite to make ice!

It appears that the Brothers Green have arrived in Rogue River which has been totally abandoned. The houses are also empty and it’s very Twilight Zone. See, THIS is what nuclear holocaust looks like. I bet Rogue River didn’t celebrate Halloween. Anyways all of the houses have neon orange X’s on them that says the date FEMA came (10/25, for anyone keeping a timeline) the number of people found alive, and the number of people found dead. This clearly means that FEMA evacuated these houses so there is still some sort of government in control. Skeet gets really pissed as he realizes that FEMA did not evacuate until a month after the bomb dropped, which would account for all the 0’s for the number of people alive. Shed a tear, light a candle.

They finally roll up to the hospital to get their much needed meds when they see tons of neon colored papers strewn about the parking lot letting them know that the water in Rogue River is contaminated. I recognize that color paper! Something tells me FEMA made a quick stop at their local FedEx/Kinko’s! My mind begins to stray from the plot as I reminisce about the time I made counterfeit high school graduation tickets at Kinko’s and sold them to my fellow class mates. Let’s all have a little “le sigh” moment for the good old days. Suddenly someone starts shooting at the Brother’s Green from above, and they run into the hospital. The hospital is totally jacked up with dead bodies everywhere.

Ok now warning readers, here is where the story gets needlessly complicated and even more unbelievable than usual. So I’m just gonna lay it out there. Skeet finds a bullet on the ground that he deduces is from a semi automatic weapon, which he believes came from the gun of a government contracted mercenary company called Ravenwood, which is a company that the government used in Iraq. “What what???” you say? It’s at this moment that this show reaches new levels of crapdome. Skeet, you are a good actor! What did you agree to this? You moved me so in “The Craft” and “Scream” and now this? Why, Skeet, why?!

Back at the house of lies it’s time for PIE! It looks really good but Anderson is not eating it cuz he’s too busy scoping out things like, Rod’s falsified family photos and pondering where Rod’s other child is. Allison lets it be known that she is not feeling this Anderson character and to be honest I’m not either. Rod pulls her aside, gives her a key, and asks her to do something for him. The next thing you know there’s Allison with a glow stick heading into Rod’s bunker within a bunker! I really do love this family.

Back at the hospital of useless and complicated revelations Skeet and Eric are in a stairwell being shot at by some unknown man at the top of the stairs. Turns out this dude is a mercenary and turns out Skeet was also a mercenary for a while driving a truck up and down the Iraqi coast. This is why he knows what Ravenwood is. Seriously what hasn’t Skeet done? They hug it out and I take this opportunity to find the nearest bottle of alcohol because DEAR GOD WILL THIS STORY LINE PLEASE END!

One glass of 2-Buck-Chuck later, the gunman Peyton, tells us that he is in the hospital because there were not enough National Guard so homeland security started hiring contractors to help evacuate the town and all of the evacuees are living in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Let it be known that living in a tent city in a Wal-Mart parking has now been added to my list of worst nightmares. There are all kinds of dead bodies strewn about the hospital floor. There was some type of altercation with the mercenaries shooting at the patients in the hospital, blah blah moving on. Finally they find the meds they need along with a random Indian doctor. The doctor’s name sounds like Kenchi Diwalia but I will call him Mohinder Lite, because Kenchi is a dork’s name.

Suddenly a truck and Hummer full of Ravenwood soldiers pulls up outside of the hospital and wants to kill all of the people left inside, which consists of Skeet and co. Peyton shoots one of the mercenaries from the window. This whole plot makes no sense to me, but I’ll try to suspend my disbelief for a little while longer and go with it.

Next thing you know we are in the Hawkins living room and Allison is giving her brother a quick Lying 101 lesson. Sam is not having it because boy just wants his pie! She tells him to just forget the lies and go with the whole pie thing. This works out splendidly as Anderson starts to interrogate the kid about his life before Jericho. Instead of answering Samuel throws a pity party and asks for pie. These Hawkins kids are natural liars, and the only redeeming quality about this show, I might add. Anderson gives up on Samuel and decides to give Allison another go. She goes into her spiel about their fake life and how their “grandma died” and left them an “inheritance” which they used to buy their house in cash. As Anderson keeps pressing her for more information Rod give Allison a look. Then suddenly Allison blurts out, “Are you harassing everyone in town or just the BLACK PEOPLE?!” Oh man it is at this moment that officially LOVE Allison. Well played, Rod and Allison, well played. Anderson tries to redeem himself by just asking to search the house, and Rod tells him that if they can overlook the mess, he can overlook the violation of his civil rights. Hawkins family 2, Anderson 0.

At the mushroom mansion. April continues to commit major fashion crimes with her pink tuxedo shirt and maroon vest. Seriously April, you are a cute women. Let’s spice up your wardrobe a bit. Like Andy in “Pretty in Pink” she needs to realize that these color palettes are not working for her. April decides to have a little H2H with her unconscious father in law asking him to hold on for the sake of his unborn grandchild. Great, she’s knocked up! Gail overhears this and the women hug as the pianos of hope play strong.

Back at the hospital the Rosewood people have infiltrated the hospital and are looking for Skeet and co. Let’s not bother with silly questions like “Why?”. The boys think they have gotten the right meds but according to Mohinder Lite, what they really need is some other drug. Skeet tries to concoct some ridiculous plan to get the new drugs and escape the hospital from hell. There is so much useless information in the episode! The Shiraz is kicking in so I laugh as to keep from crying. The plan is that Eric will dress up as a doctor, convince the Rosewood guys that he can help their wounded friend and create a diversion. Meanwhile Skeet and Peyton will come from behind and attack. And then they will all run. Again, people, let’s just go with it. The Ravenwood guys fall for Eric’s lies and suddenly we see that the leader of the Ravenwood soldiers is none other than actor D.B. SWEENEY!! Seriously if I were Eric I would not fuck with this guy. I mean he is the only man in the world who has mastered the Pamchenco! As Eric pretends to help the wounded mercenary he manages to snatch the meds. Suddenly from behind comes Skeet yelling. “TOE PICK!!” and lots of shooting ensues.

At the mushroom mansion Emily and Heather continue their frantically attempt to make ice but they are failing miserably, because they are idiots. I notice that Heather is using a plastic bowl. Hello! Does she not realize that plastic is an insulator and that’s why her ice won’t freeze. Clearly she never watched Bill Nye the Science Guy, Bill Bill Bill! Heather starts to freak out and have a Jesse Spano on caffeine withdrawal moment. “Time, time, there’s never any time!” Before she has a complete meltdown she accidentally uses a metal bowl and voila, ICE! All I have to say is, science rules!

Fat Jimmy returns from searching the bunker of deceit with an FBI badge that has Rod’s name on it. Rod realizes the jig is up and decides to have a little H2H with Anderson. He gets this really badass look on his face and I am genuinely frightened. He asks Anderson if he knows how to spot a real FBI badge from a fake one. Fakes ones are made of aluminum because it’s cheap. If it’s heavy that means it’s real. Good to know, Rod. I’ll add that to my list of useless information I have learned while watching Jericho. Then he drops the badge and, yup, it’s real. Rod finally reveals a bit of information which I suppose is meant to keep us watching this train wreck of a show. The FBI was tracking some suspicious contact between unknown people in the Jericho area and terrorist groups were believed to be involved. They were communicating via payphones and money transfers so Rod was relocated to be an undercover brother. Rod lies to Anderson and tells him that now they are BFF’s and there are no secrets between BFF’s. Lies! Lies!

Back at the hospital Skeet and co are shooting at D.B. Sweeney and his crew of nefarious ice hockey thugs. Peyton decides to cover the men as they run, and sacrifices himself for the team as he surely is going to die judging from the sound of bullets flying right at him. But Skeet, Eric, and Mohinder Lite all manage to escape. By the time they make it back to Jericho PapaSmurf is barely alive but Mohinder Lite saves the day. I would so take Mohinder Lite as my doctor over stupid April any day.

In the Basement of lies Rod congratulates a very haughty looking Allison on her ability to flawlessly lie to the cops and plant his FBI badge for Fat Jimmy to find. In a tender but fucked up moment Allison tells him that she now knows that Rod is one of the good guys. Nothing like a little deceit to really bond a family!

At the Green house Emily lets Skeet know that it’s not the medicine that cured his father but rather the copious amounts of ice that Heather made. Ice for everyone! Then she passes him a note and says “Do you want to be Heathers boif? Check Yes or No.” She starts to ask him what he saw in Rogue River, but Skeet just looks like he’s going to cry. The power of Skeet Ulrich’s acting abilities never ceases to amaze me! Emily leaves and the Brothers Green have an H2H in the stairwell. Skeet confesses that Eric is a much better person than him, and Eric says that it is quite the contrary. In a moment of brotherly bonding Eric confesses his “secret” affair to his brother, who responds with a simple, duh. I think the whole damn town knows about your stupid affair, Eric! Eric tells Skeet that life is short and from this day forward he will seize the day. It’s all very sweet and tender as most tails of infidelity tends to be. Wait until he finds out that April is pregnant. Talk about a cock block. Suddenly Eric realizes that he left his jacket at the hospital with his wallet inside. He’s really scared that D.B. Sweeny is gonna come and find him. I’d be scared too because D.B. is kind of a bad ass. Two words: TOE PICK. .

The final scene shows D.B. Sweeney at the hospital where, what do you know, he finds Eric’s jacket and wallet! This seems to imply that he is going to find Eric’s house and do something to him, but I really don’t understand why D.B. is on a killing rampage. Also wouldn’t the address he finds be the address of Eric’s old house that burnt down a few weeks ago and not his parents address? Clearly these are all rational questions, and we all know there is no room for rational though in Jericho. The show ends with Skeet peeking out the window in the dark with a gun waiting for D.B.

Well it looks like another week of ignoring the big hydrogen elephant in the room. This show baffles me with its ability to suck more and more each week. Seriously let’s stop with the heart to heart talks! It’s kind of like the “Glitter” of TV shows, so bad I can’t even mock it. Is anyone out there still watching or have you all given up? What about this whole bomb thing? Anyone, anyone?