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Welcome back to Jericho. Population: You! And a dozen others who are dumber than a box of hair. The Previously On Jericho scenes inform us that NUCLEAR BOMBS HAVE DESTROYED HALF THE COUNTRY! Um, haven’t we picked up on that by now? I mean, no one is tuning in to Jericho expecting to see a Biblical-themed sitcom. (What is the deal with Moses?!) Anyway, last week everyone became suspicious of the Shady Black Family that suddenly moved to town, Jake and Heather shared a powerfully bland kiss, Mayor McCheese went into shock, and Jake and Eric ran off to find him some drugs that would save his life and, presumably, his delicious sesame seed toppings.The 24-font titles say it’s been one month since the bombs went off, as Jake and Eric continue on their Drive of Life. Wait, have they been driving for a week? Last week it said – oh never mind, my brain hurts. They rocket past a dead girl on the side of the road, where it is revealed to us that Eric has a Conscience, whereas Jake probably waved bye-bye to most essential brain functions years ago. The Hawkinses are baking, which is I guess all you can do when you have no gas or electricity or credibility anymore. Mama Hawkins informs her husband that Gray is here, and not just for a friendly house call. Which is a real shame, because Gray bursting through the door with a basket full of pasta and cookies would be just adorable. Jake and Eric continue to bicker in the car, and Jake insists that they take the back roads because he “spent most of his teenage years” driving them. Really, Jake? No school, girls, movies, afternoons at the local soda shop? Just driving around the back roads for kicks? I guess this explains how he came to develop the only facial expression in his arsenal other than bewilderment: the Driving Face, which is also used to convey anger, sadness, and constipation. Eric and Jake agree to do whatever it takes to get the medicine, then cock their guns and hitch up their pants and spit. Because they’re MEN.
Five weeks later, the boys are still on the road. Eric asks some questions about Jake’s Past, which for those of you just joining us is very Shifty and Mysterious and Uninteresting. Eric berates Jake for leaving his family, but oh ho! Jake turns it right around and scolds Eric for cheating on his wife! The battle of wits has begun!
Gray is now interrogating Hawkins, who tries to weasel his way out by saying that his family was just about to eat dinner. Yeah. With the imaginary food they just cooked in their imaginary working oven. Gray asks Hawkins if he had anything to do with the attacks. Of course he did, Gray! He’s black, isn’t he? In Kansas! He may as well be wearing his ‘I’m a terrorist’ sandwich board and ringing his bell! Despite Hawkins’ meager protests, Gray muscles his way into the rest of his house.
Back at the ole Mayor’s Deathbed, April reassures Mama McCheese that her husband only has twelve hours to live. Well, Mazel Tov! Heather arrives with some useless supplies, and Emily is also there, for some unexplained reason. I guess half the town is showing up to watch the Mayor kick the bucket. They should just start selling popcorn. Heather comes up with the ridiculous plan of making ice without a freezer, using just water and fertilizer. Now I’m no scientician, so I don’t know how possible this is (I googled ‘how to make ice’, but got mostly links on how to make meth. Five days later, here I am, but I don’t know where my pants are). I think the least believable thing here is that Heather thinks she can do this. I’m pretty sure Heather is one of those people who forgets that socks come before shoes. I don’t think that amateur chemistry is something she should really be taking a crack at. Mama correctly looks at her as if she has just declared that Pepsi and Coke are the same thing, but goes along with this little scheme anyway because, hey, they’ve all got twelve hours to kill.
Two months later, Jake and Eric arrive in Rogue River, which has been deserted. (Also, Rogue River? Why not just name it Sketchytown?) However, the town clock says 9:02, which is when the EMP was detonated, thus turning this scene into an actual demonstration of continuity! You’re learning, Jericho! Jake deciphers some cryptic markings painted on the houses of the neighborhood, explaining that FEMA came by on October 25, and that they found some righteous corpses within. Jake drives up to the hospital and parks in the deliveries area, which is just stupid because the white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. Everyone knows that. Eric finds a flier from FEMA and reads it out load, saying that the water is contaminated. Then they are both shot at, which earns a slow clap from me because these two just won’t shut up. They both run into the hospital, which is presumably where the shots are coming from, and, come to find out, littered with corpses. Smart. Eric finds some bullet casings, and Sherlock Jake is able to deduce that they came from a group of mercenaries called Ravenwood. Gee, are they from LOTHLORIEN?
Back at the Hawkins Household of Awkward Accusations, Gray is now in the kitchen, bothering even more members of the family. Come on Gray, grow a pair. Pop out their eyeballs! Electrocute them with a floor lamp! (I can’t help but think that if Jack Bauer were around, all of Jericho’s problems would be solved in roughly 15 minutes. The people would be fed, there would be gas and electricity, and all the bad guys would be dead or at least bleeding from every orifice.) Hawkins explains that they’re lucky they had gas for the stove. Okay, Hawkins. So the whole town can get by without working cars but goddammit if you can’t have your precious bundt cakes. Allison mouths off to Gray and storms off, but Hawkins grabs her and asks her to do something for him. She sneaks into his secret lair and cracks a glow stick. Allison, this is no time for a rave. Back at the House That Crazy Built, Heather has set up a ton of bowls of water around the kitchen table and has commenced her little science experiment. She is also wearing goggles and a cape and is cackling loudly towards the heavens.
At the abandoned hospital, someone throws a grenade at our boys and Eric screams like a little girl. I’m starting to like this enemy. That’s all from the hospital for now. Allison quizzes her brother on the fake story of their life, but he is hungry. Gray comes in and tries to talk to him, but he is HUNGRY. Well, pack it up men, no story here. The boy is hungry. The word hungry is then bandied about five or six more times, and then the scene ends. Really. Perhaps this is a cry for help from the writers, locked away in the CBS dungeons with no food or plot outlines.
Damn, Jake and Eric are fine. It wasn’t a grenade, it was a flashbang, Jake explains. (Although I thought he said flashback, and concluded that your standard Lost plot device would also make a pretty good weapon). It was just loud and bright to scare them, not kill them. Whatever, it wasn’t lethal, so it’s dead to me. Someone calls out to them, and they cautiously make their way up the stairs to find a handsome young man pointing a gun at them. Charming!
Mayor McCheese calls out for the special sauce to his grilled patty, but only gets April, the gross dark meat McNugget. She assures him that there’s nothing she can do. Thanks, CHIRPY OFFICER OF DEATH. She also confesses that she’s pregnant, and then launches into some sort of monologue that’s supposed to be touching but, like her, just ends up being annoying. The mayor tries to pull his own plug but oh no! Mama heard the whole thing! The two redheads embrace, and I vomit neatly into a nearby ficus plant.
Jake talks to the Ravenwood elf. We learn that the other guy had been in Iraq, and oh snap – Jake was too. But that may or may not be true. Who knows? Who cares? They all make nice and the guy, whose name is Randy, explains about how they were hired by Homeland Security to protect the governor of Nebraska (who’s probably dead) and to help FEMA, which set up a tent city in a Wal-Mart parking lot. So bomb or no bomb, the good people of Kansas will not go without their fantastic savings. All the dead folks in the hospital couldn’t be moved and were thus killed by Ravenwood, which Randy did not approve of. He takes them to the doctor, who is up to his elbows in someone’s liver. Jake fails to grasp that the man is performing a major surgery and just demands some Cipro, the medicine that his father needs. Ooh, Jake, you’re contaminating the operating room. Bailey is going to rip you a new one. Then Ravenwood returns, hopefully with enough weapons to kill this merry band of nitwits.
Gray continues to interrogate Allison, and she blows up at him, accusing him of being a racist. She says she hates this stupid town, and runs off, teenagering all over the place. Back at the hospital, Jake is yelling “CIPRO!” repeatedly, as if he says it loud enough it’s going to jump off the shelves and into his waiting arms. Whoever the doctor was working on is now dead (thanks a lot, JAKE), and he runs off with them. There are a lot of people running around with guns for awhile, and somehow this is all really boring. The doctor informs Jake that he is wrong about the Cipro, and he really needs a different medicine instead.
Back at the house of INSANITY, Heather the Water Wench is freaking out because her crazy plan isn’t working. Just as she’s about to yell “NO WIRE HANGERS!” and slit Emily’s throat to feast upon the blood within, she discovers that the water in the aluminum bowl is freezing. She orders Emily to find anything made of metal, then happily screams “We’ve got ice!!” Yes, Heather. You have ice. Now put the bazooka down.
Eric the Wimp poses as a doctor to bamboozle the Ravenwood sprites. He better hope they don’t ask too many questions, lest they discover the only thing Eric has a degree in is pussyology. He pretends to help one of the bad guys, but instead steals the medicine he needs. Oh, Eric, you crafty fellow. But somehow the villain was able to see past this rock-solid wall of deceit and started shooting at him. There is yet another boring firefight. Jake and Eric use their combined IQ of 17 to somehow get away and speed off with the doctor, while noble Ravenfairy Randy takes the heat, because, he confesses, he killed a bunch of people too. Well, that’s nice, I guess.
Jimmy, Gray’s fat henchman, snoops around Hawkins’ basement and finds…an FBI badge! The horror! But Hawkins schools Gray for a little while, and says he lied because he doesn’t know who he can trust. He says he came to Jericho because there have been suspected terrorist activities around this area of Kansas and he is supposed to be conducting an undercover investigation. After agreeing to keep an “open line” between himself and Gray, Hawkins says it’s been a long day and kicks Gray out. Long day? Didn’t you just sit on your ass while other people rummaged through your house?
Jake and Eric rush home with the doctor in tow, and run into the Room Of Deathbed Confessions But Not From The One Who Is Dying. April asks if they got the Cipro, and when the doctor says the name of the better medicine he brought, she nods approvingly. April?! Did you know about this more effective medicine?! You’re so EVIL! The doctor gives him the injection, which by the way consisted of a glowing green toxic-looking substance. So, by “medicine” you really meant “plutonium”.
Allison’s emotional explosion, which was clearly a ploy, resulted in her acquiring Gray’s keys. Aw, she’s growing up to be a Shady Black Stereotype just like her father! Jake thanks Heather for saving his father’s life. Ha. You should have seen her in action, waving disembodied puppy heads all over the place while dancing the Lindy Hop and singing “You’re a Grand Old Flag”. Eric confesses to Jake that he’s in love with Mary Bailey, and Jake more or less doesn’t care and for once I feel for him. But that passes soon. Eric realizes that he left his jacket back at the hospital, along with his wallet and therefore his address. Cut to the Ravenpixies discovering his license, and I’m surprised to learn that the Kansas DMV must double as a Glamour Shots studio, because Eric just looks absolutely fabulous. The episode ends with Jake keeping guard over the house with a gun, protecting his family from the mercenaries or, even worse, Crazier-Than-A-Shithouse-Rat-Heather.
Next week: Jake straps himself to some explosives! Wonder how that’ll turn out?