Recap: Jericho: Shady Hawkins Day

Hey, Jericho. I hear you’ve been hanging out with Lost over at Winter-Hiatusville. Well, you’ve had your fun and now it’s time to get back to business. I mean, without your crazy conspiracy theories, your terrible writing, and your endless supply of ridiculous Skeet faces, we’ve been…well actually we’ve been doing just fine without you. But you’re back now and that’s something we’re all going to have to live with.

In case you’ve put all this foolishness out of your head completely, and who could blame you, feel free to catch up with my summary of what’s happened so far. Basically, a shitload of bombs went off. This created a lot of confusion, anger, and despair. And the characters were a little dazed too. We begin with Hawkins acting creepy at his computer. Nice to know some things never change. But as the stolen-from-24 font informs us, we’re now heading off to 8 weeks earlier. Yes, the good old days, a time when we hadn’t yet had the opportunity of beholding Britney Spears’ creepily bumpy skull. Ah, memories. We’re in San Diego, 26 hours before the bombs. Jake is interviewing for a job as a corporate jet pilot. (Is that the right title for that job?) We find out that he has spent 14 months in Afghanistan and 6 in Iraq, not as part of the military, but with an independent contractor. He’s been flagged by the State Department as a “person of interest”, as the result of some sort of mysterious “incident”. Jake “gets” all squirrelly, as he is wont to do, and won’t reveal the whys and hows and whatnots of the situation. So he doesn’t get the job and he’s kicked to the curb like the lazy bum that he is.

We then cut over to Hawkins in Washington, D.C. The TV informs us that the President’s approval ratings have hit rock bottom. So grittily realistic, this show. Hawkins is at his computer, which I’m becoming more and more convinced is actually surgically attached to him, when a girl in a nightshirt approaches him. At first glance she looks to me like Katie Holmes, but at second glance I realize that’s completely wrong and that I should make some sort of eye doctor appointment. We find out her name is Sara, and that they are in looooove. Or something. He tells her he’s been summoned to get into position, but he doesn’t know where yet. Then he gets an Important Phone Call, which he answers with such a powerful “YES?” you’d think he’s speaking to the King of the Cosmos.

Somewhere, trucks exist. They are being loaded with, uh, nuclear bombs I guess. A man’s voice informs us that the bombs are armed and the targets have been secured. Hawkins opens an envelope that has money and a card with “Columbus, OH” written on it. So this group of bumpkins are going to blow up the country? Really? What about the Russians and the Chinese and everything? Jeez, Jericho, I guess you did get a little cozy with Lost. You naughty girl, you. The man tells them that the bombs will go off at 8:05am EST (yep, checks out) and to look around at each other, because “these are the faces of the men who will change the world.” ROCK.

Ooh, happier times in Jericho! Schoolchildren are riding their bikes and romping around in a carefree manner! It’s 33 hours before the bombs. Eric is whining to his father, so I guess that WASN’T a side effect of the nuclear bombs. Sucks to be Eric. He’s trying to convince the Mayor to put Jericho on the map but Daddy doesn’t want corporate America to come in and rape his precious town of its quaintness. Eric insists “there are worse things than vente frappucinos,” to which the Mayor snaps, “Speak English!” Um hello Mayor, it’s called Fritalian. Mama Green appears (yay) with April in tow (boo) to force her husband into getting a physical, what with the colds they’ve both been battling. Plot point! I yell.

Yep, still wooden!

Back in California, Jake arrives at some sort of cabana to complain to his friend, Fernando Sucre’s long lost cousin. NotSucre whistles at some girl, so she approaches to give him some lip but we find out they’re engaged. This is really interesting.

Sara is on Hawkins’ ruggedized laptop, perusing the list of final targets. Hawkins calls to tell her the schedule has changed and that the bombs will now be going off the next day, during the President’s address. Oh, and that he’s running off to rescue his children. Sara is infuriated. Because she hates children. And probably eats babies.

The American Idol audition cities are in for a big surprise next season.

Jake congratulates Anna, NotSucre’s fiancee. NotSucre gets rid of her to tell Jake about a gig that he’s willing to let him in on. He throws a lot of numbers around that I don’t understand, but basically it’s a cargo run with a big payout. Oh, and it’s in Afghanistan. This causes Jake to flip out, because of what they SAW and what they DID and how many innocent PEOPLE died and how many PUPPIES they killed. Well, not that last one, but Jake is still horrified and refuses to go.

Boring alert! Emily and Roger (I had to look up their names, they’re that forgettable) are chatting about this and that, when he asks her to come with him to his meeting in Chicago. He insists that she ditch school and her students so that they can have some wild “Chicago-style sex”. I just vomited a little. In a fit of spontanaeity, Emily says yes! I don’t care!

Anna arrives at Jake’s apartment to say that she’s worried that NotSucre is in over his head with this mysterious gig. She wants Jake to stop him from going, since apparently NotSucre saved his LIFE and he owes him. Jake is all like, can you leave please, I’m watching Grey’s here, but then she tells him she’s pregnant. Offff course.

Back in Washington, Hawkins appears from out of the shadows and into his wife’s face. She freaks out and reminds him that he’s not supposed to be within 500 feet of her or her kids. HA. That never works, lady. I should know. (Call me, Simon Cowell!) She starts for the moving van that contains her children (in the front seat, not in the truck) and starts screaming for them to let her in. He grabs her and informs her that he’s taking the truck and the kids and leaving, and that she should probably come if she wants to, you know, live.

30 hours before the bombs. Jake has folded like a house of cards and decided to take NotSurcre’s mysterious job. But he’s not going anywhere before he knows who he’s working for. Ooh, Jake, you hardass. NotSucre reluctantly tells him it’s an offshoot of Ravenwood, who as we all remember is a band of elves and pixies posing as mercenaries. He hands Jake an envelope of money and reminds him how much they’ll be making. Why do I have the feeling this guy is going to be killed in an awesome way by the end of this episode?

Back in Jericho, April sits in her car and looks at the papers she’s had drawn up for the big divorce. She cries a little. NO ONE CARES.

Stanley scene! Finally, some loveable scamp screentime. He’s watching a baseball game on TV at Mary Bailey’s bar, when who should walk in but the ripest tomato in town, Mimi the IRS agent. While Stanley hoots with joy over the five bucks he just won over the game, Mimi asks for some wine but all she gets is beer. Take that, successful Washington D.C. bitch. After Stanely lists for her all of the fine products you can make out of corn like he’s Bubba from Forest Gump, she wisely demands that he not talk to her anymore. Meanwhile, Mary Bailey takes a call from Eric, who happens to be standing right behind her, and then they run off for some hot adulterous SEX.

Back at Casa Green, Mama is putting Papa on a diet. Every since April took his blood pressure, which is way up, she’s realized that he needs to start taking care of himself or he might just drop dead. He blames it on the stress of the job and election time, but she reminds him of his promise to never let the job come before the family. And look how much good that’s done – one son is a lying cheat, the other is a mysterious mercenary. Nice job, DAD.

“Two. Two people watch this show and actually enjoy it.”

Moving on to more successful families, Hawkins has kidnapped his wife and children and they are all now sitting in the moving van. He tells them that he’s taking them away so that they’ll be safe, but Allison, his daughter, says she doesn’t want to move. He grabs her hard by the shoulders and says he’d never do anything to hurt her, like grabbing her hard by the shoulders. He locks them in and runs off to take care of something. Darcy asks Allison if she has her cell phone, and when she says she doesn’t, little Samuel pipes up to say he has his. What on earth does a six-year-old need a cell phone for? To call Barney or whoever it is that the kids like these days? Darcy calls 911, probably to report her son as a phone thief.

Jake returns to his apartment to find a bunch of shadowy suits waiting for him. One, Agent Hicks, informs Jake that he found his name on an international passenger manifest, and this makes him angry. He shows Jake some pictures of a bunch of dead people, and Jake becomes Agitated. Those people had been killed by Ravenwood, and Hicks wants to nail them once and for all. He needs Jake to help him. Dude, you’re barking up the wrong tree. The only thing Jake can do is perform emergency tracheotomies in the backs of school buses.

Hawkins returns to rescue his lover, Sara, only to find that her apartment has been ransacked and that she’s not there. He tries her cell phone, but it’s still in the apartment, so he grabs the laptop and runs. Outside, a police car has pulled up next to the moving van. The officers nab Hawkins and tell him to open the back of the truck. He does, to reveal…a giant nuclear bomb. Huh? I guess Jericho doesn’t have the technology for suitcase nukes yet. Keep trying, kiddo. They try to arrest him but he knocks out the cops, amid lots of screaming from his wife and kids. Wait until this goes into the scrapbook!

“Painting is askew, I repeat, ASKEW!”

24 hours before the bombs, Papa Green and Eric are having a little chat. It is revealed that the first time Papa ever left was when Eric was in third grade. Fascinating. He asks Eric if he would consider running for Mayor in his place, if he decided to drop out. Eric is dumbfounded (emphasis on the dumb). Papa says he might as well do something with that law degree, and it is at this moment that this show loses all credibility. Eric has a law degree? I’m more willing to believe that Jake is an international assassin than this.

Jake tells NotSucre that Ravenwood has been selling weapons to the insurgents. NotSucre looks mildly Annoyed. Jake tells him of the plot to work with the feds and take down Ravenwood, which causes NotSurce to look Conflicted. They plan to meet in an hour and run away. Meanwhile, I become Hungry.

Roger is still trying to convince Emily that Chicago is a happenin’ place, because the aforementioned meeting is actually an interview and he wants them both to move there. Emily calls him a jerk, says no, says he’s selfish, and reminds him that when he proposed, she said she didn’t want to move. She loves Jericho, it’s where she grew and and where she wants to raise her kids. So she won’t be coming with him, and if he takes the job then he shouldn’t bother coming back. Ah, young love.

Hawkins has apparently driven his family from San Diego to Jericho in a couple hours or so, and he is now giving them the grand tour of their new House of LIES. She promises him that tomorrow she is going to have him arrested. But tomorrow, Hawkins says, things will be a whole lot different. Like his ability to take away cell phone privilages.

Jake is packing for his little joyride when NotSucre stumbles in with a bullet hole to the gut. He tells him to grab Anna and the kids and run, since they’ll be coming for Jake. Jake calls for an ambulance, but rather than tell them where he is, he throws the phone down to focus on the man who’s dying on his linoleum floor. Could it be emergency tracheotomy time?!

12 hours before the bombs. Alburquerque, New Mexico. Jake is telling Anna that NotSucre is deader than a doornail. He gives her the envelope of money and sends her off on a bus to Houston. She begs him to come with her, but he refuses. She asks where he’s going to go, and he gets a far away look in his eyes, with echos in the wind faintly whispering “Jerichoooo, Jerichoooo….”

Mama is online, looking at pictures of Paris. She wants to go there, but snidely remarks that they don’t take reservations six years in advance. Zing! Oh, but Papa’s got something even better. The phone rings, and Mama picks up the line but just lets it sit there. Who does that? Papa tells her that they can go in a month, and before she can give him the “thanks” that he is so desperately looking for, Jake’s whiny voice pipes up over the phone. Nothing like a bratty child to ruin a lovely moment.

Emily steps out of a shower and listens to her voicemail. It’s Roger, saying that he didn’t go on the interview and that if she wants to stay in Jericho, then he will too. Because they’re in LOVE or some such nonsense. Anyway, he’s coming back tonight and can’t wait to see her. What could possibly go wrong?!

Jake returns to Kansas amongst a strain of somber fiddle music. Yay?

Just shoot me now.

Mimi is looking for a cab so she asks someone how to find one. Unfortunately for her, that someone is Stanley, who suggests that she just nicely ask someone for a ride. She groans that all she’s looking for is the Richmond farm, which…hey-o! Stanley just happens to own. These wacky kids and their wacky hijinks. She finally tells him who she is and that he owes the govenment $180,000 in back taxes. WAHP WAHP.

Ooh, a montage. Hawkins is furtively typing away to whoever it is he answers to. Emily is hanging a “Welcome Home Roger” sign. Is there a big market for those in Jericho? Everyone’s televsions are tuned into the the State of the Union address. Oh, I guess it’s not really a montage, because now Hawkins is video chatting with Sara, who from the looks of it has seen better days. She tells him to deliver the bomb, or else…well, then a handful of terrorists apprehend her and tell him to do it or she dies. Then the connection is lost, leaving Hawkins to stew in his moral quandary.

He hears some glass breaking upstairs and goes to investigate. Oh, it’s just Darcy, pointing a gun at his head. That silly woman! She demands the keys, but just then the kids yell from outside. She becomes distracted, so Hawkins grabs the gun away from her. But there are more pressing matters at hand. They all run outside to marvel at the mushroom cloud that has sprung up in the sky.

Which brings us back to today. Jack is still trapped on the island. Wait, wrong show. Hawkins is still typing away on his computer. It says “We need to discuss why you are lying to us” and zooms in on the satellite image of he and his son. Then it says “See you soon.” Wait, we’ve already seen this part.

Cut to Jake and Emily dancing in the bar to some Sinead O’Connor, then running outside to find Roger and the other zombies. Wait, we’ve seen this too! Did they run out of tape for this episode? Emily runs up to Roger and takes him under her motherly wing. If only she had her “Welcome Back Roger” sign! She looks so foolish without it!

The zombies are being housed in Mary Bailey’s bar. She insists to Eric that they need a doctor. But since there apparently are no doctors in Jericho, that probably means he’s going to have to go find April. Emily tends to Roger and asks what happened to him out there. He tells her that after the plane went down, they waited in a field for two days, and when help didn’t come he ended up having to walk to a refugee camp, which is where most of his merry band of the undead are from. Then he zones out and stops listening to Emily, which I don’t think is necessarily a result of trauma.

Hawkins tells Darcy to keep the kids inside while he goes off to sort something out. Sam brings him a picture that he drew of them playing football. Hawkins does the awkward dad thing and tells him it’s refrigerator material. Sweet! Darcy asks Hawkins if they’re in danger, but of course he avoids the question, so she just says that she trusts him. Huh?

April and Papa Green arrive at the bar. Mary Bailey hands April a list of the injuries, which April coldly grabs and walks away. Emily and Jake share an awkward moment that ends in Jake telling her to go to Roger, because he needs her right now. Cut to April treating a patient who has minor frostbite. The shot pans around to reveal the girls face…and it’s Sara! Does she know anyone in Jericho, April asks? “Actually, I do.” Commence the Hawkins Family War Countdown!

I’m happy to see that this show is just as ridiculous as when we last left off. Although the whole Hawkins backstory is actually really helpful, I was getting pretty sick of not knowing what the hell his deal is. I still don’t understand what went on with Jake, except that he had a loser friend who died. I could have guessed that myself. Thoughts? Comments? Any first-graders with cell phones out there?