Show Me Your Package

Jericho is kind of like that smelly kid in the corner. We don’t know how he got there, and yeah, he stinks, but you have to admit he is kind of interesting. Who is he? What is he doing there? Why is he covered in pudding? And what’s with the stiletto heels? So many questions, so few answers.

What was I talking about? Oh right. We begin this week with Papa Green yelling at some guy named Ridley, who has decided to pack up and leave Jericho. Finally, people are coming to their senses. Papa tries to talk him out of it, and some real taut dialogue ensues: “It’s suicide if you leave!” “It’s suicide if we stay.” Brrr, goosebumps!In the town hall, Mayor Grey is going over the statistics once again – they’re out of everything, and with the added strain of the new refugees they’re all really screwed. Papa comes in and informs them that a bunch of people are leaving. Um, I’m not a math genius or anything, but wouldn’t that actually solve a whole lot of problems? Grey says that most of them will die, but if they want to leave, that’s their choice. Maybe I like Grey. He goes on to say that without some sort of X Factor, they won’t make it through the winter. Well why didn’t you say so? Get Simon Cowell on the line! He then ominously announces that the last ones to arrive should be the first ones to go. Smell ya later, Roger!

Jake wakes up at home, where he’s currently recuperating. You know, from his nonexistent injuries. The ground seems to be shaking, so he gets up and looks out the window. Aaand there’s the patented Jake Look of Confusion we’ve all come to know and love. Meanwhile, out on Main Street, Eric and his cowboy buddies are on horseback, shooing people out of the street. And in rolls a tank. Yep, a tank. Grey introduces himself as Mayor to one of the soldiers, who identifies himself as Gunnery Sergeant Hill, of the United States Marine Corps. And they’re here to help! The Marines should really use this scene as a recruiting commercial, instead of the one with the fire monster. Although I do love me some fire monster.

Terrifying.

After the commercials, a large crowd has gathered around the tank. The marine tells them that now that they’ve won the war, it’s time to start rebuilding. Mayor and everyone is like bwaaa? Hill explains that they “nuked the hell out of North Korea and Iran”, since apparently they supplied the bombs or something like that. Now there’s a massive nationwide reconstruction effort, the former Secretary of HHS is now in charge, and there is a new government being set up in Columbus, Ohio, which for some reason seems to infuriate Grey. Grey HATES Ohio! Hill says that they are restoring power and infrastructure to Kansas, one town at a time, by the end of the year. The whole town erupts into a celebration, with cheering and hugging and shouts of “It’s over!” Wanna bet a meteor strikes that tank within the next twenty minutes?

Things are not as happy over at the Hawkins House of Lies. The family is packing up to leave, and Allison asks how many more times they’re going to have to move. Hawkins says this is the last time. He also says that unicorns are real and Sanjaya is a great singer. Can’t trust that guy.

Papa, a former Marine himself, is shooting the shit with Hill. Hill says that while they’re waiting for supplies to arrive, they should make a wish list that he can forward on to his superiors in Dodge City. Better not put Jake in charge of that, you’ll end up with fifteen pallets of Hungry Hungry Hippos. Grey offers up the Sheriff’s office as a command post and Mary Bailey offers her bar as a place for the soldiers to stay. Enjoy the paint thinner, boys! Nothing but the finest for our troops. Hill summons up a girl named Maggie, who needs to find some electronic parts. Jake volunteers to help her, as he is the resident expert at everything/nothing. She’s kinda cute, so I suppose he’ll be in her pants by the end of the episode.

Sara is in the basement, texting to someone that she is “close to the package.” Hehe. Hawkins arrives, appropriately enough. Now she’s even closer! He tells her that he’s rethinking the whole thing, that he should stay with his family in case anyone tries to get to them. This greatly displeases Sara, who is able to convince him that he’s doing the right thing. They’re going to drop off the fam at the safe house, and keep moving. Then they kiss. I’m so confused about this plotline. Does he still love her? Is she a good guy or a bad guy? Is she aware that her long lost sister inherited 8.7 million dollars and is currently working as a doctor in Seattle?

Mary Bailey’s bar is hopping again! Seriously, didn’t they run out of alcohol several weeks ago? What are they drinking, lighter fluid? Mimi yapping away to Stanley, saying that if a government still exists, then there is still a need for accountants, so she’s ready to pack her bags for New York City. Because she’s so metropolitan, remember. Stanley doesn’t like this, so he yells at the kid that’s been hanging out with his sister. I don’t remember his name, because that particular plotline was dropped about 5 MONTHS AGO. I forgot Stanley even HAD a sister. Anyway, he whines some more about Mimi leaving, and she says that wanting to leave Jericho and wanting to leave him are not the same thing. Stanley says it is. What the HELL is it about Jericho that makes everyone want to stay there so badly? Free orgasms every hour on the hour?

Wow, Hawkins and Sara are still making out. Impressive. This must mean he’s onto her. Sure enough, she goes upstairs and he lingers in the basement. He pulls out her pager thingy that he stole during their (shudder) groping session and starts rifling though the messages. I see Farabee as a random word. Important? Maybe. Interesting? Meh. Fun to say? Hell yes. Farabeeeee!

Back at the bar, Emily and Jake share an awkward moment. She says she’s glad he’s okay, and then Roger shakes his hand, and then they leave. Riveting. Jake moves on to his next victim, Maggie. She tells him and Mary Bailey about the contamination zones, where the buildings are gone and the neighbors are fighting each other and up is down and left is right and it’s total madness!! Jake asks Mary Bailey if he can take the transistor out of the jukebox, but she totally denies him. Music is her LIFE! Maggie jokes that there are three Spin Doctors albums on there, that they would be doing a public service by destroying it. How DARE you, wench! If Two Princes isn’t the pinnacle of human achievement, I don’t know what is.

Sara helps Sam with some boxes, then in the process of checking her backpack she realizes that her thingy is missing. (What is that called? Someone help me out here, I don’t know technology. I use smoke signals to communicate.) She pulls out a gun, and after a small moment of reflection, approaches Sam. Who happens to be holding a stuffed puppy in an adorable manner, of course. Meanwhile, Hawkins is downstairs reading through her text messages, and arrives at the one that refers to using his family as leverage. He runs upstairs, gun drawn, to see Sara (still holding the gun) clutching Sam (still holding the puppy). She says he has something of hers. Ooh! It’s a gun-gun-puppy standoff! Who will triumph?!

“I look forward to killing you!”

Sara sits Sam down on the couch, and Hawkins forcefully tells him to color. The two lovebirds have an intense (read: really long) staredown behind Sam’s back, and Hawkins empties his gun and puts it down. He goes to give Sara her thingy, but then she asks him when he fell back in love with his wife. Sam looks up all surprised, probably thinking “How many years of therapy will this little incident require?”

Hill is with Grey and Papa Green, saying that he’s impressed with how well they’ve been doing. They’ve been surviving so well, in fact, that they might not make The List. Since there are towns in need all over Kansas, the military is only giving help to the ones who need it the most. Papa sort of brushes it off, saying that the town can easily go on a little longer if they have to. But Grey pitches a little hissy fit, because he’s the one that’s going to be held accountable, if, or more likely when, the town collapses in on itself.

Jake and Maggie are in the Sheriff’s office, where he finds a transistor in a ham radio for her. She asks what the hell happened to him. I imagine Jake got sick of fielding that question long before he got in that car crash. Then he asks if the Marine Corps is all she hoped it would be. She waxes poetic on how horrible it all was, how she never thought she’d have to fight Americans, blah blah blah. It’s terrible out there, we get it. We don’t need a faraway look in the eyes and a cryptic line of regret every single week. They trade some more boring stories of no consequence, except when Maggie tells him that he has the “brooding bad boy thing down to an art.” Hmm, maybe this girl’s not so bad. She’s got your number, Jake!

Hawkins and Sara are still hashing it out while young Samuel colors in his little coloring book. Poor kid. He keeps looking up, and his father assures him they’re just telling a story. Yeah, that’s right. A story about a girl named Sara and a man named Hawkins and his son named Samuel, who likes coloring books and stuffed puppy dogs. But it’s just a story, honest! Sara says that she used to work for the people in that staged video, but now she’s in it for herself. So he can either give her the package and she’ll go away, or she’ll convince Samuel it’s not a story after all. You know, by putting a bullet in his head.

“Take my wife. Please! But seriously folks…”

Jake and Maggie banter back and forth about what they’re going to do with their lives when this all settles down. It’s supposed to be charming and all, but it’s actually just boring so we’re just going to move on. She tries to call Dodge City on her phone, but all she gets is static. Could it be that they…got the hell out of Dodge? Nah, they finally pick up and tell Maggie that the whole team is being ordered back. Jake asks her what that means, and she says that it means the whole team is being ordered back. Jake is a little slow.

Hawkins asks Sara what she’s going to do with his package if he gives it to her. Down boy! This is network television! She says she’s going to sell it and get as far away as possible. Hmm, this porno has taken an odd turn. She goes on to say that everybody has a price and everybody lies. Way to steal your lines from, oh I don’t know, EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE. Then Darcy walks in and Sara calmly explains the situation. I bet they’ll be able to sort this whole thing out over a nice spot of tea.

“I just miss Denny so much!”

The Marines are packing up their tank and leaving, much to the chagrin of Grey, who’s whining all over the place. Hill says he don’t know when they’ll be coming back, but they’ll get there eventually. Hey douche, maybe you shouldn’t throw a friggin’ ticker tape parade upon your arrival like the Music Man and make all sorts of promises you can’t keep. Hey, is your first name…Harold?! Because we’ve got some trouble. Right here in River City. Resisting urge to break into song with jazz hands…and…okay. I’m good now. Some random Marine tells Harold Hill that they might not have enough fuel to make it back. Grey sees his opportunity and offers fuel and supplies. Hill says the Red Cross is making a supply drop, and that he’ll put Jericho at the top of the list. Also, they’ll be getting a monorail!

Maggie tells Jake that she probably won’t be coming back with the relief effort, so he’ll have to find someone new to flirt with. Heh. It’s like she’s stealing words out of my mind. He tells her to come back and settle down in Jericho after she’s all done with that saving the world nonsense, but she says that won’t be happening. They’re just about to kiss when Hill barges in and barks some orders at her, yelling that she’ll be staying behind while the rest of the team gathers at the Sheriff’s office for a big thank you bash the mayor is throwing. She and Jake share an awkward laugh. It fails to charm me.

Sara is still hashing it out with Hawkins. She demands the package once more, then grabs Samuel and puts the gun to his head. Hawkins agrees to retrieve the package, and Sara demands that Allison join in on the fun as well. Oh boy. We’re gonna get to see the package and settle that myth once and for all.

They grow up so fast.

Jake is putzing around the Sheriff’s office when Maggie’s radio starts crackling. He answers it, and the Marine yells at him for being on an official Marine frequency. Jake ignores him and asks if they’re under fire, when he notices everyone gathered outside, watching fireworks. Jake, easily distracted by colorful things, joins them. Grey is being all mayoral and offering the troops some food before they leave. Jake finds Stanley and tells him to grab some guns and do a sweep of the area, because something doesn’t feel right. Stanley’s totally confused, but only slightly more so than us, the audience.

Cut to an elaborate candlelight dinner for the troops. A clearly inebriated Grey makes a toast and asks Papa Green to say a few words. Papa talks for a while about the Marines and the meaning of “Semper Fi”, these colors don’t run, now more than ever. etc. They all cheer and oorah and hooah as he sits down rather ominously, and ominous music plays in the background. Hmm. He pulls his wife out into the hall, where Jake just happens to be as well. They caucus in a nearby room, where Jake tells them that he heard the fireworks over the radio of someone who was supposed to be in Dodge City. Papa shares that Marines would never call an NCO “Sir”, and never say hoo-ah, which is an Army thing. So they’re not really Marines. And neither am I, as it’s pretty clear I don’t have the first clue how to spell any of these expressions, so take it up with Wikipedia if I’m wrong.

Papa points out that a tank could take out everyone on Main Street. They can’t pull Grey away without arousing suspicion, so Papa plans to get his attention more subtly, while Jake will wait around for Stanley. Because he’ll know what to do?

Back at the House of Lies, the happy Hawkins family is sitting in the living room with Sara, who still has her arm and gun around poor Samuel. KEEP COLORING, SAMUEL! Hawkins is down in the basement, smashing up the walls. Allison looks Sara right in the eye and smirks, causing Sara to point the gun right at her face. Hawkins keeps smashing away, looking for his package. Hehe.

Jake sidles up to Maggie, who is still hanging out in Gracie’s store. He puts on his Accusing Face, and tells her the jig is up. She feigns innocence, but then the radio crackles to life and it happens to be Stanley. Jake wrestles it away from Maggie, and Stanley tells him that he found a “Marine” stationed out in the woods, and that he’s bringing him in. Maggie then pulls a gun on Jake. He is disgusted at how they move on from city to city, stealing their resources. For some reason this makes me think of that part in Independence Day, where the alien explains their master plan to the president via ESP. Well, this scene is JUST LIKE that.

She explains that a small group of Marines were stationed at her refugee camp, and during a food riot they were no match for 10,000 starving people. So the folks ran the troops out of town and kept what they left behind, then used it to get food from the next town. She threatens to kill Jake, but he calls her bluff, that is until he’s hit from behind by Hill.

Hawkins emerges from the basement with a large barrel of some sort. His package is huge! The rumors are true! It’s clearly a bomb, and when Darcy panics Hawkins reassures her that it’s not armed. Oh, well okay then.

The fake marines are now all gathered in the store, trying to figure out what to do about Jake. Hill says that if they just pack up and leave, it’ll be like Greenville all over again, to which Maggie replies that they’re not killers. Hill and Maggie bicker a little more, when Papa, Grey, and Eric emerge from the shadows, guns drawn. Papa says he doubts the bad guys’ guns are even loaded, what with the ammunition shortage, so Team Good Guy easily overtakes them. Hill confesses to making up the stuff about North Korea and pretty much everything else. Grey declares that he’s going to tell everyone and let the town decide what to do with them all. Papa says that that’s not going to work. He counter-declares that the X factor that they need to get through the winter is this – faith. They’re going to give them a heroic goodbye and never speak of this episode again. Papa’s kind of a badass.

“I am Distraught!”

Hawkins promises not to follow Sara, which she will make sure of by taking Samuel with her. Well, this does NOT sit well Darcy, who decides to try and wrassle the gun away from Sara. Predictably, this doesn’t work out too well, as Sara kicks her in the CHEST and she goes flying. This in turn does not sit well with Hawkins, who tackles Sara and throws her on the glass coffee table, which shatters. First Friday Night Lights, then this – broken glass coffee tables have been getting a lot of buzz lately. Anyway, Hawkins starts to choke her, as the kids tend to their mom. So all in all, another typical day at the Hawkins House. Of Lies.

Yoga is so good for the soul.

Sara somehow manages to overpower Hawkins and then punches him in the JUNK. That’s gotta hurt. They begin an elaborately choreographed fight that involves Sara being thrown onto every other table in the house. Equal opportunity, I guess. She somehow finds a knife and stabs him in the JUNK. Well, no, the leg, but that would have been really cool. She lunge-stabs at him a few more times, then just as she’s about to finish him off, she gets shot from behind by – I’m guessing – Allison? Yes, it is Allison. Yeah, I’m pretty awesome.

Hawkins, pretty happy with himself for having taught his daughter how to use a gun, is now rounding up the family and asking if they’re okay. They are, except that there’s a dead body that SOMEONE is going to have to clean up. Looks like they’ll have to take some time out of their relentless dishwashing chores. Darcy actually says no, they’re not fine, and they’ll never be safe with him. She grabs the kids and starts to leave, but Allison lingers long enough to tell her father she loves him. He says he loves her too, and as usual looks totally pissed off when he says it.

The townspeople have gathered on Main Street to send off the “troops”. They even chant U-S-A. I pity them. Jake runs up next to Maggie, and implores her to break off from them, since she’s a smart girl with a hot ass. Well, not that last part, but he was thinking it. She says she can’t, not with all the whoppers she just told everyone. Good point.

“Bye, liars! See you in hell!”

Mimi finds Stanley, who’s managed to evade her for the entire episode until now. She tells him that he drives her crazy (in a bad way) but that she can’t live without him (in a good way). Stanley puts on an enormous grin and kisses her. Aw. These crazy kids just might make it!

Sara’s pager thingy is beeping. Hawkins picks it up to find the message “What is your status?” He texts back, “Hawkins is dead. I have the package. Where can we meet?” Their answer: “Pizzeria Uno. Their giant peanut butter cup desert is to die for.” Orrr they just say Location TBD. You decide.

The “troops” are leaving. Jake tells Hill that they’re sending them off with some food that should last a few days. But no water. HA. Papa makes them leave their weapons and their tank, and they all walk off into the night in disgrace. Papa decides that the tank shall go into Stanley’s barn. “Never know when you might need a tank,” he says. Yeah, Papa IS a badass.

The Full Monty has really gone downhill these days.

Every once in a while, I’ll watch this show and think that it’s not so bad. For example, this episode. It was very dark, as dark as I think a series like this should be all the time. It is getting better as time goes on, I have to admit. I liked the Marine plotline, I’ll admit it had me going for a while (though not as long as it did Jake), and I like that the final showdown with Sara was extremely bloody and kinda fun. Thoughts? Comments? Are you still coloring?