Jersey Couture: As Fun as Watching Snow Melt

Okay kids, round three.    I can hear my braincells picketing inside my skull, demanding that I cease slaughtering their bretheren with weapons of mass booty pop pop poppin.  Don’t worry though.  I Tivo’d Stephen Hawkings The Universe and am going to watch the whole damn thing in one sitting to make up for all the intelligence I’ve fettered away in the whole three episodes of this trash that I’ve made it through.  I’m also shooting vodka throughout this entire episode, so the braincells tough enough to survive the alcohol attack will be appeased momentarily.   On with the stupid!

The last vestige of hope when your braincells say, “We just can’t take anymore!”

If you’re just now joining us you should know that this show takes place in a family owned dress shop, and you should also know that you want to stay as far away from the Garden State as humanly possible.  I can smell the stench of Axe Body Spray through my televion.  This week we’re joining the family for a trip to Aspen.  Buckle up kids.  I think we’re in for a real treat.

I see this…

And I pray for this

It’s daytime in the dress shop, and Ma! is berrating some poor girl about a boy she’s going out it.  Just then the phone rings and it’s some chick with way too much expendable cash who wants the ladies to come “Fluff” her on location for her Aspen wedding.  The sisters are excited, but they’re nervous about whether Ma! will be down for a fluffing vacation during prom season.  Ma! expresses some concern, but in the end she aquieces.  This results in some “We’re going to Aspen” singing and dancing.  I’m gonna start singing impromptu songs about every exciting thing that happens to me.  The tests came back negative. That girl’s big biker husband doesn’t know my name or where I live.

I’ve never seen this sign in person. Woot woot. Booty pop.

So other best friend Alex (not to be confused with original best friend Sam) helps the girls plan their awesome fluffing vacation.  Meanwhile, DJ Douchebag is planning out slogans for the T-Shirt company he’s just decided to start.  We get treated to such gems as, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and “If you got cash you’re a smash, if you’re broke you’re a joke.”  Wow, sign me up for one in every color so that everyone can know how I translate my gold-digging into clever rhyming couplets.

Too bad this one’s already taken

Responsible tells us that the store doesn’t stock wedding gowns, but they have dresses that are approprate for weddings.  Crazy says to the bride, “I can’t wait to fluff you that day.”  If memory serves me correctly, I think it’s the groom that generally needs fluffing.  A lifetime commitment is enough to make anyone’s testicles crawl back up into their stomach and refuse to come out.

Always watching always judging look at the baby look at the baby

Back at Responsible’s house, Crazy is trying to raid her wardrobe for skank clothes, while responsinble explains that skank clothes are less than practical in Colorado.  Crazy thinks this will be a vacation, but Responsible is trying to convince her it’s a business trip and they have to focus on business.  Hell of a character arc these two are embarking on.  Can’t wait to see what’s next.

“You’re too responsible!”  “You’re too crazy!”

There’s some awesome family guilt about Crazy not being married, and then there’s shopping.  Woot.

Back at the shop there’s some quick talk about back-fat and chicken arms and love handles and saggy butts.  DJ Douchbag just asked Crazy what state Aspen is in.  Wow, that’s just horrible,  Then he prints out a US map and and asks Crazy to point to Aspen.  First she points to North Dakota, and then to Utah.  This is why we need to pour all our nation’s wealth into the education system.  Clearly these girls grew up in counties such as Jersey City and such as and they didn’t have access to maps.

DJ Douchebag gives the “It’s on this half of the map” clue.  Which doesn’t help.

The sisters take off in the middle of the prom frenzy to head to Aspen, which may or may not be a city in Colorado, and Ma! freaks out.  She doesn’t yell “Booty pop pop pop” at any point in the freakout though, so I’d say it’s a success.  The girls arrive at a sports store to shop to blend in on the slopes.  Responsible is strutting around in a shiny gold down coat, while Crazy gives serious consideration to a leopard print ski outfit.

No one will ever guess you’re from Jersey in that outfit

Fortunately for the people of Aspen, but unfortunately for those of us who enjoy watching trainwrecks occur, they settle on some non-offensive solid colors while the shop owner looks on in horror.

As normal looking as Jersey girls get

The sisters get to Aspen and fight over rooms, because they’re sisters and they bicker.  I think that’s actually the entire plot of this show.  Sisters bicker, moms are loud and embarrassing, and DJ’s are useless pieces of human excrement.  Back in the store we get two rounds of “Booty pop pop pop” within sixty seconds, and I drink a lot to make up for it.  Did I mention I’m a little tanked while I’m doing this cappage.   Jumping back to Aspen, Crazy is pouring champagne and Responsible is judging her for not working, but she’s also drinking the champagne, so I have a hard time taking her seriously.  Crazy wants to ski, but Responsible wants to plan the wedding that they’re in the damn town for in the first place.  Crazy is excited to be out looking at, “Mountains on top of snow on top of skiiers.”  Yeah, I think that’s called a tragic avalanche hun.  Otherwise the “On top ofs” are the other way around.

This would be mountains on top of snow on top of skiiers

Commercial break!   Let’s do another shot.  The commercial for Dance Your Ass Off serves as a subtle reminder that my recapping responsibilities could be much much worse.

Yeah… Jersey is suddenly not so bad

Back in Jersey, some hapless assistant is dressing a girl who wants a long poofy number.  The client calls her dress choices ugly and cheap looking, and the assistant seems to be taking it personally.  I think she’s about to choke this little high-schooler out.  Ma! steps in to help out and pulls out a heinous green Little Mermaid meets a head of lettuce number, and prom-girl LOVES it.

Really?

Okay, Ma! annoys the living crap out of me, but I’ve gotta give her props for being able to sell the shit out of hideous dresses.  You go Ma!  But I swear to god if you to booty pop to celebrate my accolades I will hang you from the rafters with a noose made of pink leopard print chiffaun.

I can sell a dress to anyone. Fuggettaboutit.

In Aspen, the sisters are not actually skiiing, but rather riding the gondola and looking at other people skiing.  Riveting shit here folks.

DJ Douchebag is showing Ma! the designs for his heinous Ma! phrases t-shirt biz.  The only reality TV created t-shirt that was ever any sort of awesome was the original Top Chef, “I’m not your bitch, bitch” shirt.  I would’ve sported one of those.  An “I do the booty pop” tee doesn’t really inspire me to open my wallet.

Anyone else out trying to find where they can order one right away?

**crickets**

So the sisters are taking the pussy way down the mountain on show shoes.  That’s actually kinda fun to do, but these girls are about as exciting as watching paint dry.  Slow-dry paint. The kind that doesn’t change colors from wet to dry.  They’re checking out the wedding sight, which looks gorgeous.  Responsible gets a call from Ma! to check on the location of some stupid gown, which according to Crazy is just a total mood killer.  Yeah, sorry to interrupt your intensive WALKING extreme sport experience.

Dammit Ma!  You’re interruptions have thrown off my groove. Now I gotta get back in the zone.  Okay, left foot, right foot, left foot…

They take their snow-shoeing guide out for dinner, and he looks pretty terrified the whole time.  Crazy thinks he’s cute, so he has every right to tremble in fear.  Guide boy talks about doing what you love for a living, while Crazy gives him googly eyes.  He mentions not making much money but being really happy, and her little Jersey brain short-wires between thinking he’s dreamy and hearing that whole, “If you’re broke you’re a joke” crap her Ma! screams (not available on t-shirts through oxygen.com and wherever trite ugly clothing is sold).

Yay! Another commercial break.  Commercial for Bad Girls Club, immediately followed by a commercial for Mirena birth control.  Just dropping a hint there “Bad Girls.”  Reproducing puts a serious damper on your tequila slamming and passing out in bus stations.

Unless you’re this mom

We’re back in Aspen, and the sisters are getting fitted for cowboy hats for reasons I’m not all together clear on. I grew up in a house without maps (such as) though, so maybe Aspen is actually in Texas and I just wasn’t paying attention.

Do you think we could see The Alamo while we’re here?

At the dress store, DJ Douchebag is sporting some of his awesome new shirts.  His says “I’m a boobolgist” which is a blatant misspelling.  I’d give him more shit, but misspelling words that aren’t actually words is somehow less offensive in my book than real spelling errors.

Back in aspen, the bride on skis is ready to go.  She was supposed to ski down the mountain, but she’s decided to puss out and take the gondola, which means they’ll only have 30 minutes to “Fluff” her.  C’mon ladies, she’s having a honeymoon tonight.  Let her husband do the fluffing at least this once before he loses interest in her when the new Call of Duty game comes out for Xbox Live.  Responsible does some quicky fluffing (hehehe) at the top of the mountain, and then the lovebirds take their vows in wedding ski gear.  They’re actually pretty cute with each other, and while my initial instinct was to hate them based solely on their choice of wedding planners, I’m kinda hoping their wedding goes really well.  But hey, if it’s a disaster it’s still funny, even if I don’t despise the victims completely.

I now pronounce you less annoying than anyone else we’ve seen on this show

There’s some insanely boring montage of photo-taking during which I make it through another shot of Smirnoff, and then it’s reception time.  The sisters are done with their job, so after throwing a bouquet around like a football they head back to their hotel.  They bicker and look a little creepily like they’re gonna make out, and then sing obnoxious songs about their meaningless accomplishments.

Basic geography is not one of those accomplishments

They show up back in Jersey with their awesome cowboy hats stil on.  Ma! puts one on and starts demanding to know if they got her anything.  This is exactly what I did when my dad went away for a week, back when I was four-years-old.

And with that another episode of Jersey Couture draws to a close.  Can I just say, it’s really hard to recap the events in a show where nothing ever happens.  Umm… This week tacky obnoxious girls sold dresses for too much money while they’re Ma! yelled “booty pop pop pop” and their brother walked around with a false sense of entitlement because he has a p.a. system hooked up to his iTunes.  Join me next week (or tomorrow really, since the new episode was on Tuesday night) and I’ll be drinking heavier and possibly experimenting with using cut-and-paste to turn my first three recaps into a whole seasons worth without having to type anything new out.  Stay classy kids!  And orange.