Jersey Couture: Ta-ta’s and Tiaras

Okay kids, we’re back for more punishment.  I’m late again, but seriously, does anyone care?  Is anyone keeping track of this show?  Could I have skipped this episode and gone straight to next week’s without anyone saying a word?  Probably, but clearly I’m a glutton for punishment. Two hours straight of Jersey.  I’ve got a bottle of vodka, a sixer of hard cider (shut up, I drink wussy girly drinks), some super strong coffee, and 20mg of Adderall.  I’m so ready.  Bring it bitches.

You guys need recaps more than I need my liver anyway.

So it’s a busy day in the dress store.  Crazy tells us that everyone is working 80 hour weeks and there are lines out the door.  This is due to the start of pageant season.  There’s a season for pageants?  Really?  Is that anything like rabbit season?  Because if so, I’d really like to know where I can pick up a permit.

If you’re not in an orange vest I’m allowed to shoot you in the face. Or is that just in Texas?

The sisters are arguing over which ugly dresses are the least ugly.  It’s getting rather heated when up pulls Jennifer, a skanky big haired ho in a giant yellow Hummer.  She’s wearing so much make-up that it looks like she slapped on a latex pageant girl mask.  Not a pretty one either.  Oh, and she has a chihuahua in her purse!  Oh ugly fake boob pageant girl, so many reasons to hate you.

It’s not easy being the Kardashian sister that got tossed back

Pageant girl likes the dress that Crazy picked out, which leads to a song and dance number, of course.  Responsible shows Jennifer how to walk, by singing, “and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk.”  This show hurts my soul.  Not just my brain and my eyes, but my actual soul is in pain right now.  It’s crying out for a reprieve. or a shot.

There’s a fine line between pageant wave and heiling Hitler…

Jennifer puts on Responsible’s choice and like’s it even better than Crazy’s and holyfuckingshit that dress costs almost four grand.  Oh, and Ma! sings the booty pop song.  Yay.  Never ever get tired of that.  Is it too early in the episode to start smashing my face into my laptop?  Too late… I’m already smashing.

Look what you bitches made me do

Crazy is cooking risotto with some chef guy and talking about how she doesn’t want to work in the dress shop because it’s not her dream.  I guess she wants to be a cook or something.  I don’t really care.  I’m just happy there’s no singing and dancing going on in the kitchen.

You have to keep the annoying levels to a minimum when everyone around you has a blade

Crazy and Responsible fight over how much they have to work in the shop.  Crazy wants a day off or something.  I wonder if the customers mind that all the employees are constantly screaming at each other in the back room.  Apparently Crazy loses all her boyfriends during prom season because they can’t handle how busy she gets.  Yeah, the life of a retail clerk is tough.  It’s not easy to date someone in boutique sales.  Those wives of musicians and army officers don’t know how easy they have it.

Could you just sit around at home while your girlfriend sold dresses?  Could you?????

Oh, uh… I wasn’t paying attention and now some young girl is in a pornge dress (pornge is that color that’s not quite pink and not quite orange).  It looks like she’s buying three dresses for two proms and a wedding or something.  God forbid she wear the same five thousand dollar dress twice.  That’s just crazy talk.  Okay, so they show the price tags and the dresses are all under a thousand dollars each, but they still each cost more than my entire wardrobe.  Screw you, Jersey bitches.

What the bloody hell is going on here?  Anyone?

So the family is out eating Pho and Ma! is being annoying.  Crazy tells the family that she wants to be a chef or a caterer and doesn’t want to sell dresses for the rest of her life.  Her parents discourage her dreams, because that’s just what parents do, right?  Do people out there have parents that encourage them to succeed?  I’ve never seen evidence of that on my television.  Cause those people have high enough self-esteem not to wind up on a reality show.

Parents, take time out to encourage your children to not have sex with Brett Michaels.

The next day I’ll give you three guesses what’s going on… Did you guess loud people yell/talk over each other and girls try on dresses?  Cause you must be psychic.  Responsible tells her dad that she wants to drive a car on a racetrack and her dad says he has a friend that can make that happen.  Ma! is not happy about this, not because she’s worried about her daughter’s well-being, but because she’ll be down a sales clerk if she breaks a limb.  Parenting: You’re doing it wrong.

Someday I wanna sit in a car while it goes around in circles…

Pageant girl is back.  I still want to punch her in the face.  Her Louis Vuitton purse is still holding her shaky little rat dog, and she’s still wearing enough make-up to make the girls at the MAC counter look au naturale.

Wrong show honey.  Drag Race is down the street at Logo. Follow the sound of people actually tuning in

There’s another pageant girl coming in with a $400 budget and a mom in tow.  This is apparently some sort of doomsday sign of the apocalypse if you work in a dress stop, but I’m on my sixth shot of vodka and I checked out somewhere around Crazy’s cooking class, so I’m not paying enough attention to figure out why.  The sisters give her a dress that’s way out of her price range and of course pageant girl #2 loves it but can’t buy it.  Crazy yells at Responsible and damn is this riveting television.  Will they find her a dress?  Will they not?  Will she have to compete in the pageant completely naked because the sisters failed at their job, thus causing many Southern Baptist children to look at boobies and immediately begin smokin the reefer and worshipping Satan?  These are the pressures you feel as a retail clerk.

All because they couldn’t find that girl a dress…

So it’s the next day and I was too busy typing out that rant to notice if they found that girl a dress, but I assume they did because I didn’t hear any screeching about their failure.  Now Responsible is hopping in a race-car to take a high-speed circle around the track.  She’s not even actually driving.  Some professional is driving, and DJ Douchebag is making a big deal out of them going a hundred miles an hour.  I got a ticket doing 100 in Wendover, Utah, and I was in a Chevy Metro.  Any speed that can be reached by a 4-cylinder American car is not exhilerating.  Unless it’s getting you farther and farther away from Wendover, Utah.

Drive faster

Crazy is shopping with her dad for ingredients so she can make the family a dinner and show them what she’s passionate about.  Jersey isn’t far from DC… Could we just send her over to Top Chef?  Cause as annoying as she is, at least she’s not boring like the entire TC cast this year.  Maybe someone would stab her with a paring knife after she did a song and dance about dicing a tomato properly.  The possibilties are endless.

Make Jersey proud!

Back at the shop some girls are shopping for their sweet sixteen dresses.  Okay, so I know I’ve expressed that I grew up in a state of severe poverty and neglect, in which my mother frequently didn’t even remember my birthday, or even how old I was.  Still, for all you Gasmii that had normal childhoods, did any of you get a sweet sixteen party?  Is this normal?  I thought only spoiled illigitimate children of touring rock musicians got to have parties like that.  Are all these girls the bastard children of Mick Jagger?  Should I slow down on the booze?  Shut-up.  You don’t have to watch this show, and if you can make it through a whole episode sober then I’ll try and do the same.  For now, you deal with the fact that my ass is sloshed while I’m typing and will go off on tangents that have nothing to do with what’s happening on my TV.  Not that it matters, cause they’re still finding this girl a dress.  Woot.

Screw this show. Let’s look at this instead.  Meee-ow!

Hey, a commercial for a Vagisil screening kit.  Awesome.  I can pee on a stick and pace anxiously around my living room waiting for results after drunken sexual encounters just like the straight girls now.  That’s great, cause I’ve never peed on a stick and I was starting to feel left out.

6.0 on the skank scale, huh?  So that’s what…?  The clap?

And on that appetizing note, we’re back and watching Crazy put together a rather tasty looking dish for her family.  Oh, and on a side-note, could someone please tell Fergie that that is how you spell “Tasty.”  Cause that “T to the A to the S, T, E, Y” shit makes me want to punch speakers.

Die!

Whatever… Meanwhile, Responsible is fluffing (hehehe) pageant girl #1 (AKA everything I hate about humanity) and giving her some sort of pep talk or something.  Be confident, blah blah blah, smile, blah, show the gown, blah.  This shit is way more entertaining when four-year-olds are throwing hissy fits about it.  Grown up pageants are ridiculous.   Okay, all pageants are ridiculous.  Actually, I don’t know which ones are worse.  That’s just sad.

What kind of a retard paints ladders five minutes before a dance routine?

Back over to Crazy, and no one is running on time and she’s freaking out because the food’s ready to go and everyone else is doing other stuff.  What a bunch of pricks.  Who the fuck shows up late for free food?  I’d hang out and listen to the goddamn booty pop song for a four-course meal.  I guess pageants run on their own schedules though, and since Responsible is now a make-shift pageant coach she has to hang out for the whole thing.  Little sister’s dreams be damned!  Someone else’s dreams are hanging in the balance, and that someone needs fluffing.

Yeah… Maybe a little more fluffing

Fuggo the pageant whore wins the crown, much to the dismay of the other, less horrible looking girls at the competition.  More singing, more dancing, more Themiki drinking.

The family finally starts to arrive for the dinner.  DJ Douchebag is first, followed by dad and Ma!  Crazy says she needs help making risotto, so I guess we should actually send her to Hell’s Kitchen since no one on that show can make a damn risotto save their lives.  Crazy pulls it off, the family is impressed, and yay happy blah blah.  The sisters do dishes and responsible tells Crazy that the sauce was horrible.  Supportive bunch this family is.  Overall the dinner is a success, but methinks that the family will continue to harass Crazy anytime she makes mention of leaving the dress shop.

Okay, so that wraps up the first hour of this crapfest.  I’m not gonna have time to finish the second one before I have to go to work, so you’ll all have to just wait on pins and needles for me to get home before you find out what happens next.  I’ll give you a hint:  They sell dresses.