Jersey Couture: Future is the Way of the Future

Hey kids, I know you’re dying to know what happened on Jersey Couture this week.  I mean, not so much so that you’d actually turn your television to the Oxygen Network and view this drivel, but I’m sure you’re on pins and needles nontheless. If you’ve missed the first three episodes, well, you’ve missed basically nothing.  Seriously. Nothing ever happens on this show. At least the Jersey Shore kids get punched in the face from time-to-time.  Sheesh!  Oh well, on with the cappage.

Is this too much to ask for?

This week, the Jersey skanks go to Fashion Week, Responsible tries to find Crazy a man, and there’s an awkward double-date.  Oh, and there’s still a super-annoying theme song.

We open with Crazy setting up the window display and explaining to us all how important window displays are.  Apparantly Ma! doesn’t agree, cause she starts screamng at Crazy to get her orange ass back out on the floor to help customers.

Now everyone walking by will know where to get their casino carpeting

Crazy steps down from the window to help out a regular who’s going to a wedding.  Good lord, these bitches spend more time and money picking out dresses for weddings they’re guests at than my sister spent on her actual wedding dress.  And my sister has money. And class.  She just sees the sheer stupidity in blowing through a few grand on a single outfit.  I’m curous about timelines in this show, cause we see the wedding guest try on the same Little Mermaid/head of lettuce dress that prom girl picked out last week.  Maybe they stock multiples.  Anyway, wedding guest tries on tons of stuff, but doesn’t like any of them and leaves empty-handed.  This leads Responsible to propose to Ma! that they need to go to fashion week.  So see, the wedding guest saying nothing was new or trendy enough?  That’s what we call a “Plot Device.”  In reality television, we call it bullshit.

The script says to look pensive. Can someone get me a dictionary please?

Meanwhile, Responsible is dressing a girl for a “Las Vegas Themed Date.”  Umm… Dates have themes now?  Unless you’re actually going to Vegas I don’t see how it could be the theme of your date.  I guess hookers do theme dates though, right?  Naughty schoolteacher?  Horny cop?  Maybe this chick is a working girl.

Oh Vegas?  Oh yeah, I can do Vegas. Fifty bucks.

The potential hooker is having a rough time finding anything she likes too.   More plot device.  Oh, and I hear Responsible say something about how it’s a fraternity party and all the parents and legacies are gonna be there, so I guess the whole theme thing makes a bit more sense.  It also supports my hooker hypothesis though.  Then potential hooker puts on a skimpy red number, and Responsible tells her she looks like a hooker in it.  Well, glad it’s not just me thinking that.

You have to dress to impress when going to a function this classy

Potential Hooker finally settles on a black dress, which is the first dress Responsible put her in when she got there, and there is of course an annoying song/cheer/dance about how they sold a dress.  Immediately after, Ma! gets a phone call, and we learn via song/cheer/dance that they’re all going to fashion week.  Enough with the singing already!  Jeebus.

You guys can keep singing.  Everyone else on TV please STFU!

That night at Responsible’s house, Crazy, Responsible, and Mr. Responsible are sitting around chatting about the events of the day.  Mr. Responsible offers to hook Crazy up with “A Suit” because Responsible doesn’t approve of her choices.  I’m so glad my family isn’t this overbearing.

I know what you’re thinking, Jersey fans, but it turns out they do make suits without sleeves.

Next morning at the dress shop, it’s time to leave for fashion week.  They shout out unintelligible instructions for the staff of the shop to follow while they’re gone, and Ma! makes sure to pack her extra boobs.  Classy group this.  There’s a loud shouty thingy about who’s gonna drive, and Crazy wins the role of driver.  I don’t get people who always wanna drive.  You wanna drive my ass around?  Go for it. No argument here.  I always wanted a chauffer.

I know how you feel, dad whom I keep forgetting is on this show

The girls arrive, and some random dude named Larenzo, who looks like the love child of Kevin Spacey and Joseph Gordon Levitt gives them their tickets to Fashion Week.  Ma! and Responsible want Crazy to date him, but she says she can’t do it.  Clearly brotha has cash and hook-ups, so I have a teensy bit of respect for Crazy not being a total gold-digging whore.  Slut, yes.  Gold-digger, no.  And dammit!  I cant find a pic of Lorenzo anywhere. You’ll have to trust me on the lovechild thing.

The fashion trots out and Crazy hates everything.  She says it’s hideous and she could design better.  Pretty sure you’re not a designer, hon.  You just sell other people’s dresses.  You design clothing in the same sense that your douchebag DJ brother makes music.

The current trend is the ‘Sock static clinged to the back of your dress’ look

Responsible explains to Crazy that they’re just there to see what the basic new trends are.  During the second show they see lots of pieces they like.  I continue to feel like high-fashion is some sort of joke that I’m not in on.  Like that whole Emperor’s New Clothes thing… Where everyone’s scared to say they don’t see how awesome it is because it would mean they’re not part of of the in-crowd.  Only on a global level, and with actual clothes.  I’d be much more willing to drink the Kool-Aid if all these models were running around naked in pretend clothes.

You’re getting closer…

Crazy and Responsible decide to go hit the town after the show, while Ma! stays at the hotel and denies the New York night-scene of her awesome booty pop pop poppin.  The sisters sit and chat about the dresses they need to buy, and then the conversation turns to cute guys and how Crazy needs one.  The thing is, Crazy doesn’t want a husband.  Crazy is playing the field and having fun.  If she met Mr. Right tomorrow she’d just toss him aside after two weeks because she’s not interested in anything serious.  I’m gonna stick up for her crazy ass and say that the family needs to back the fuck off.  Not everyone gets married in their twenties.  Not everyone wants to.  The world doesn’t end if you hit thirty without a ring on your finger.

Alls I’m sayins is that if I’m stuck in a loveless marriage you should be too

The girls hail a cab and head back in the direction of Jersey. They decide that the future of fashion is futuristic style, and they need to get more of it in their shop.  I can’t wait for them to put an orange girl in a dress made out of tinfoil.  She’ll look like a baked yam.

Mmmmm… Fashion.

The sisters hit up their supplier and pick out dreses that I think are hideous, which means they’re probably at the very height of fashion.  Ma! decides to have a competition to see who can sell their ‘Chosen’ dress first, with the prize being a paid day off.  Responsible makes the least heinous choice, which means she’s probably gonna lose.  At dinner there’s more hint-hint-nudge-nudge about Crazy going out with Lorenzo.  Ma! wants him in the family, and since Responsible is already married that duty falls back on Crazy.  Crazy says no, she’s gonna date whoever she wants, and who she wants isn’t that old dude with the fashion tickets. Crazy says the second she gets married she’s getting the fuck out of Jersey so her family can’t be up her ass every second of the day.  I support that decision.  Responsible talks her into going on a double-date, and Ma! looks pleased.

Cheers to never being allowed to make your own decisions even though you’re almost thirty.

Back at the dress store, Responsible is telling some girl looking for a prom dress that they couldn’t get the dress she wanted.  She ordered some new dresses for her to try, and holy crap Prom Girl is a fucking amazon giant.  They put her in a skanky roman number that makes her look like a showgirl at Cesar’s Palace, and with that they have another satisfied customer.

My daddy is Zeus, so you probably wanna get me home on time

Back in the store, Oxygen has decided to hop on the Bravo ‘We’re back, no we’re not. Psyche!’ train.  Ma! is making some young strippers-to-be “Boobylicious” by taking them from (I swear this is exactly what Ma! said) “They have little bitty M&M’s and we make them look like they have M&M’s with peanuts.”  It’s worth noting that both girls in question have enormous knockers.  I’m so scared for humanity right now.  Someone hold me.

The tiny M&M’s in question

My television then tells me I need to ask my doctor about Nuvaring.  My doctor is a lesbian.  She knows I’m a lesbian.  If I ask her about Nuvaring she’s gonna wanna up my crazy meds.  Damn you power of television!

And we’re really back now, and the sisters are discussing the whole double-date thing. Crazy is hesitant, and who wouldn’t be?  In the shop, the dresses for the competition come in.  DJ Douchebag calls them to the back so they can all head out and try and push their dresses on people who don’t really want them so they can have a paid day off.  Crazy’s wedding guest is coming back in to check out the new stock, and all the Jersey girls hone in on her like a pack of wolves trying to get her to buy their dress.  She tries on Crazy’s first and LOVES it.

I feel just like a princess! Or a red velvet cake…

She puts on Ma!’s, and it’s a little skanky for a wedding.  Responsible points out that it’s more a dress you wear if you hate the bride and want to steal her groom.

Only appropriate wedding attire if you’ll be jumping out of the cake

Responsible’s dress is last, and she gropes wedding guest’s booty a lot.

The shoulder thing!!! What’s with the shoulder thing????

It’s down to the sisters, and in the end the wedding guest chooses (drumroll please) Responsible’s dress!  There’s a dance and a song/cheer (of course).

STOPTHATRIGHTNOW!!!!

Holy crap that dress cost a thousand bucks.  A thousand bucks??????  You’re a fucking GUEST!  That’s a semester worth of textbooks and lab fees, you asshole trampskank.  Grrrrr.

Commercials!  Did you guys see the new Volvo ad campaign?  It’s all Twilight, and how if your boyfriend is a vampire and your other suitor turns into a wolf, you’ll be ready if you drive a Volvo.  I’m boycotting Volvo for the rest of my life based soley on this one commercial.  I don’t care if they make a car that runs on sunshine and farts, I will not give them my money.  Who’s with me?

Kinda hard to look bad-ass when you’re leaning on a Volvo

(P.S. totally stole that photo quote from Rifftrax.  Look em up. They rule)

Responsible is spending her paid day off with her adorable fat baby.  Ma! calls and tries to get the kid to say “Booty pop” into the phone.  That right there is child abuse.

If you say booty pop so help me god I’m sending you off to live with Snookie

It’s finally double-date time.  The sisters walk in to meet Mr. Responsible’s friend Mike.  He’s a decent looking dude, and quiet, which is important.  If you’re gonna date a loud bitch, you have to be quiet.  Two loud people in a relationship is a recipe for disaster.  Mike lives in Queens, which deters Crazy a bit.  Then she picks on him for not liking cream cheese frosting.  I agree that cream cheese frosting is delicious and that’s just crazy talk, but stop yelling at the poor little quiet dude.  The sisters excuse themselves to the bathroom to gossip about the new guy.  Crazy is on the fence because of the whole living in Queens thing.  Responsible says Ma! would like him, but Crazy says she needs to like the guy. Responsible actually tells her that it doesn’t matter if she likes him.  That all that matters is that the family likes him.  Yeah, that’s healthy.

This doesn’t look uncomfortable at all

Back in the store again, the sisters are giving the wedding guest an in-store fluffing.  They pick out jewelry, sing annoying songs about said jewelry, and send her on her way after DJ Douchebag creepily leers at her and leans over the counter to check out her ass.

Yeah, it’s over!!!  Next week there’s some pageant shit, so we may get some Jersey/Toddlers and Tiaras crossover.  At least that might be slightly interesting.  But probably it won’t.  Peace out kids.  Let’s do this again soon.  Don’t call me, I’ll call you.