Jersey Couture: The Tedium Triathalon

Okay okay, I’m really really late on the cappage.  Even for me.  My apologies.  Between my car being in the shop for the past week, my mad-ditch efforts to scrape together enough cash to get it out, and having to walk to and from work in 100 degree heat, my ass has been seriously lacking in the motivational department as of late.  I have also been kinda distracted by a girl, and I trust that my fellow Gasmii understand that pretty girls occasionally takes presidence over ones duties and responsibilities.  If you’re thinking I should be punished, don’t worry.  I’m way ahead of you.  As I type this out I am about to subject myself to three hours of boring bitches dealing dresses.  If this marathon of tedium doesn’t serve as penance then I don’t think anything ever will.  Oh, and I’m staying sober for as much of this recap as possible.  I can’t guarantee I’ll make it all the way through without some Jagermeister, but I’m gonna make it as far as I can.  Shall we get on with the torture then?  Yay!

Does the winner get to have this show erased from their memory all Eternal Sunshine style?  Please?

Previously on Jersey Couture… Does anyone care?  Has a single interesting thing happened at any point in the evil reign of this crapfest?  No.  So previously on Jersey Couture TheMiki suffered severe liver and brain damage as a result of this show’s stupidity and the resulting need to consume mass quantities of booze to get through it.  This week, we’re watching girls pick out prom dresses, which is totally different from last week when we watched girls pick out prom dresses or the week before when we watched girls pick out prom dresses.  Seriously, Oxygen?  Seriously?  My good female friends can’t drag me to the store to watch them try on dresses, and I actually care about them.  Watching girls try on clothes is NOT INTERESTING!  Not unless you’re secretly watching them through a security camera you’ve hidden in the ladies fitting rooms or something.

Speaking of terrible TV shows…

There’s some sweepstakes going on at the store.  I wasn’t paying attention and there’s no way in shit I’m extending this torture out any further by rewinding my Tivo.  The sales girls are all trying on prom dresses, and at this point I’m pretty sure I could design a computer program to write these recaps for me.  It’d be like Mad Libs.  *blank* girls try on dresses while annoying girls sing a song about *blank* and a piece of my soul dies so I knock back another shot of *blank*.  Done!  Print it! Call me when Scream Queens starts.

See this right here is quality television
Okay, so some charity called Operation Fairy Dust wants the shop to donate 30 dresses to girls that can’t afford prom dresses.  I want to smack the shit out of this entire family, but this is kinda sweet.  They’re throwing in a bunch of jewelry and bags and stuff, so I will save my snark for a moment and say that I support any charity that helps broke ass kids not feel like total broke ass kids, even if just for one night.

Actual TheMiki family photo. This is the “House” I grew up in. We slept on the floor
Crazy is picking out dresses for some girl. For prom. So this is new and exciting uncharted territory for us.  Holy god is the first dress ugly.  The prom girl fortunately has the good sense to turn down the pink rose/tutu monstrosity and keep trying stuff on.  The next dress makes her look like a mermaid disco ball stripper.  There’s a not horrible green one and a pretty fucking horrible pornge one.  Crazy trots out a red one she thinks is awesome (psst: it’s hideous) but prom girl says no.  Finally they put her in a sequined top/aquarium dress and she likes it.  I wish I were exaggerating, but the dress literally has an aquarium scene going all over the fabric.  Seriously.  And the price is:  $549.  I think that’s about how much a real aquarium would cost, and you don’t have to call a friend to have them feed your prom dress while you’re out of town.  So… Win?

The aquarium dress.  I have no words.

Crazy and Responsible are getting their nails done, which is interesting…why?  I mean, if someone wants to take me to get a pedicure I wouldn’t argue, but why the fuck would I want to watch someone else get one done.  You know what the worst part of all this is?  Some hapless team of editors is digging through hundreds of hours of footage and THIS is the keeper footage.  This.  Right here.  Bickering while stereotypically Asian women file their toenails.  The sisters are fighting over something. I don’t know what. I don’t care. Does anyone care?  Seriously, pipe up if you care.  I’ll go back to this episode and check for you.  My guess is it’s either about their work ethic or Crazy’s lack of a husband.  The only thing more boring than listening to sisters bicker is listening to them bicker over the same two topics for an hour every single week.
Blah blah work ethic blah blah husband!

Back at the store we learn that Ma! didn’t get to go to prom cause she couldn’t afford it.  That sucks and all, but the tears in her eyes are a bit much.  There were times in my childhood where I couldn’t take a shower because we couldn’t afford to pay the water bill.  I don’t cry when I talk about it.  I wish that missing prom were the most traumatic of my childhood memories.  That sounds amazing.

Crazy is talking to new mancandy Mike about how much she’ll be working for the next few weeks.  He’s kinda sweet.  Says he’ll switch his days off so he can still see her because he knows a good thing when he sees it.  Awwwww.

See?  They’re kinda cute.  This is still boring as hell, but they’re kinda cute.

Back at the store again, and the sales girls are arguing over who’s going to win the contest still.  And I still have no idea what the contest is.  Montage of picking out dresses and accessories for the charity.  Responsible wants to give them a bag that Crazy says is too nice to give away and fisticuffs ensue.  Okay, not really.  I’m just making up shit that sounds mildly interesting so I can pretend there’s a single thing worth recapping here.  Guess what’s really happening?  If you guessed that girls are trying on dresses for prom, then you get a gold star.

And after prom you and Ken can jump in your pink convertible and drive back to your dream mansion.

Oh hey, the producers realize that no one’s paying attention and have Crazy tell us all what the sales girl contest is about.  It’s just to see who sells the most dresses for the week.  So glad I didn’t rewind my Tivo for that information.  There’s a commercial break and I go out to smoke, which I actually quit doing last month, so this show is now destroying my lungs along with my liver and my will to live.  Thanks Oxygen Network!  Anyway, I miss a little bit of the show, but my guess is that while I was away, girls were trying on prom dresses.

Some girl is currently trying on dresses (shocker) because she decided the dress she picked out six months ago wasn’t what she wanted anymore.  She’s wearing something made out of sequinned scales and I just realized she works in the store.  Not that I care, but I realized it and there’s nothing else happening so now you know too.  The ladies are all packing up dresses to take to the charity and leave dad and dj douchebag in charge of the store.  There’s bickering and prom dresses and bickering and prom dresses and someone yells “Boobologist” really loud and then there’s more bickering and more prom dresses and holy god I want a drink right now.  Gotta make it through at least one show sober, because I should suffer more than usual as punishment for getting so far behind.  Oh hey, right on cue they start playing that horrible Kei$ha song in the background.  That certainly added to my suffering.  I can always count on you, ill-conceived reality series.

I wanna look like fish… But like a really flamboyant gay fish on his way to a Cher concert

The sisters are at the charity putting the low-income girls in pretty sparkly dresses.  I’m gonna have to call shenanigans because one of those girls is carrying a Tokidoki bag.  I know because Tokidoki is the only expensive designer I’ve ever given a shit about, and I own a very similar bag that set my ex-girlfriend back $200.  If you can afford a $200 purse then you’re not that low income.  That’s crap.  Some poor girl gets a dress that looks like it was crafted from tinfoil and duct tape.  I mean, I’d rock the hell outta that dress, but only if it actually was made out of tinfoil and duct tape, ya know?

This is how you rock the duct tape dress

There’s one girl that’s too much of a fatty for any of the dresses they brought.  Ma! does something super sweet and calls their supplier so they can run and pick up a few bigger dresses.  Awww.  That’s nice.  I mean, getting the girl on a healthy diet so she’s not diabetic at twenty-five would be nicer, but that’s coming from someone who’s in-between cigarettes and eyeballing the liquor cabinet, so I should maybe shut the fuck up about health issues.  If she puts on like a hundred more pounds maybe Bravo will give her a TV show.  That’s right kids, if you wanna be famous you either have to be super fat or have a totally irresponsible number of children.  Write that down.

Marrying a douche-bag doesn’t hurt either.

Flash to vignette of the shop.  Old ladies are trying on dresses while getting hammered on wine.  I love those ladies and hope to be one someday.  Then, and only then, will I shop for prom dresses.  And I will then wear them to the grocery store and out on porch while I yell at neighborhood children to get off my lawn while shaking my recently emptied bottle of reisling at them.  It’s important to have long-term goals for life, and this is mine.

Can I please be you when I grow up?

Back at the charity place, Ma! is working her tail off to get fatty in a dress.  To her credit, fatty looks super happy and grateful through it all, and I kinda don’t wanna make fun of her cause she just looks so damn sweet and her smile is so genuine.  You go, fatty!  I like you.

And we’re back at the shop to announce the winner of the contest.  There are three winners.  Third place goes to Jamie (who?) and she wins some spa crap.  2nd place is Marena (once again, who?)  She gets some designer hangover shades.

No one will ever guess you were out all night drinking

1st place goes to the girl that won last year, and she gets some shoes by a designer I’m sure I would have heard of if I weren’t such a stereotypical lesbian.  I can tell you what year a mustang is by looking at it, but don’t ask me who made shoes.  Unless they’re Converse or something super obvious like that, they all just look like they were made by sadistic asshole podiatrists to me.

Like this guy…

Crazy is fluffing one of the employees for prom and telling her not to go to college and stay at the dress shop.  Don’t do it!!!!  If you have a chance to get out of Jersey, you take it!  You hear me???? Do you????  Run!!!!!!!

There’s more fluffing and some crying cause their little dress peddlers are all grown up and going off to college.  Mostly though, it’s just more girls putting on prom dresses.  Something needs to be done to make this show more interesting, and it needs to be done FAST!  Like, before I hit hour two of this torture-fest.  Maybe we could have American Gladiator style Q-Tip battles to determine who wins the salesgirl sweepstakes next year?  Maybe we could light dj douchebag on fire?  Maybe we could cancel this dreck and play repeats of Mad About You instead?  These are just my suggestions, Oxygen.  Feel free to use them anytime.  The average attention span of an American watching girls try on prom dresses is about five minutes.

Unless you’re this guy

There’s a scene of all the girls with their boyfriends and their parents taking pictures.  Crazy sneaks out and calls Responsible and they all decide to surprise Ma! at the store before they head off to lose their virginity under the bleachers while Justin Beiber sings songs about pretending to like girls in the background.  Prom is a magical time.   Ma! is super excited to see all her salesgirls in their prom attire and gets a little teary eyed because no one’s ever come to the store to see her before prom before.  Oh, and the girl in the scaly dress totally won Prom Queen.

All the other gay fish will be sooooo jealous.

Okay, one episode down!  Two more to go!  Guess what I’m gonna do?  If you guessed pour myself a shot then you get your second gold star of the recap.  Yayz!

Okay, episode two!  Are you guys excited?  Do you think anyone will be trying on prom dresses?  How about bickering?  Ooh!  I’m on the edge of my seat.  Better have another shot to calm my nerves.

Couldn’t have said it better myself

Hey, wouldja look at that? Girls are trying on dresses.  Didn’t see that coming.  Some gigantic former WNBA amazonian man-woman is looking for a dress for a gala.

I would so not make fun of this woman to her face

Umm… Look, hon.  You’re not a dress girl.  Seriously.  I look silly in dresses too.  I’m a big lesbian and I’ll throw on a dress if I have to, but I know I look weird and uncomfortable in them, so I avoid that whole ordeal whenever possible.  You’re six foot two and your shoulders are broader than my dad’s.  You do not belong in sequinned ruffles.  She fortunately is self-aware and says that at six two she attracts enough attention and doesn’t need a dress that attracts more.

Like, for example, this little number

She settles on a totally nice chocolate brown number, which rings in at $799.  Jeebus.  I mean, it looks good on her and it’s a totally decent dress, but it looks a whole lot like the dresses they sell for $50 at Sears.  I will never EVER understand the need to spend more than I make in a pay period on one outfit.

NOT two car payments worth of pretty

DJ Douchebag gets a call from the Today Show.  He passes it off to Responsible, who has a conversation with a producer about going on the show to talk about prom trends.

This year’s hot trend: Judy Jetson, the stripping her way through college years.

Wow. Those girls plus Kathy Lee could signal the end of times.  Thank god no one has to recap The Today Show.  Responsible tells everyone in the shop that they’re going on The Today Show, and Ma! gets super excited about telling the early morning viewers about boobology.  Oh and there’s a song about it.  Because they sing a song about everything.

I’m on the phone I’m on the phone, I hung it up I hung it up

Oooh!  Guess what everyone?  Some girl is looking for a prom dress!  I know… It’s like Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one!  Barely legal girl puts on some very very skanky dress, and camera man helpfully pans in for the extreme cleavage close-up.  She wisely nixes the hooker dress and settles on a Roman looking number for $599.  It’s cute enough.  Meh.

A “Meh” face if ever I saw one

Ma! is on the phone with The Today Show and now they want to see dresses that are under $250.  Ma! says they don’t carry dresses in that price range, but they’re gonna find some cause they really want to be on with Kathy Lee.  End times.  I’m just sayin’.

The four horsemen are drawing nigh…

Another girl, another prom dress.  Crazy talks about it like it’s interesting, but we all know it’s not.  You’ve gotta give her points for trying though.  Crazy tells the girl that her boyfriend dumped her at senior prom. haha.  The girl’s dress isn’t fitting quite right.  Oh no!  Dress crisis!  That’s almost interesting, only it’s not interesting at all.  God I hate this show.

Any crisis that can be solved with pins (and doesn’t involve grenades) is not worth showing on television.

Ma! is running around like a madwoman trying to find acceptable dresses under $250.  Responsible is veto-ing a lot of her choices, and there’s bickering and prom dresses and bickering and prom dresses and blah blah blah someone hit me in the face with a shovel, please.  Crazy is trying to get Ma! to go away so she can do it herself.

Meanwhile, somewhere else, Responsible is fluffing the giant amazon man-woman.

I have nothing witty to say. This picture is just hilarious.

She  has a boyfriend.  Really?  Okay, maybe my gaydar is off today, but that’s a tough one to buy.  Responsible does a nice job on her hair and make-up, and by the end she looks like a totally normal woman only blown up to twice the size.  Actually kinda pretty.  Mad props on your fluffing skills, Responsible.  At some point a strap breaks and Responsible sews it back on in the car on the way to the event.  We get an awesome shot of one of the show’s camera guys… Aren’t they supposed to be paying attention to that stuff?  Oh well.

These sort of photos can disqualify you from a career in politics forever.

Back at the store, guess what’s happening?  Guess!!!!  Yep.  Bickering over prom dresses.  That should really be the name of this show.  Blah blah Today Show blah blah.  Seriously, I can’t understand a word that they’re shouting at each other.  They’re speaking some weird foreign language.  Is Annoyinga a country?  Does it have it’s own language?  All signs point to yes.   After entirely too much time is devoted to this unintelligible fighting we see a groom’s mother come in to get a dress for her son’s wedding.  She loves the top of one dress but hates the bottom so Responsible sketches her up a frankenstein dress that Groommom looooooves.  Good job Responsible.  You annoy the crap out of me but you’re good at your job.

Okay, so we’ll take that one dress and then glue… pubic hair?… all over the sides…

Responsible is off to fluff one of our prom girls from earlier.  Prom girl’s dress isn’t back from alterations yet, but Responsible is just avoiding telling her that.  Pffft!  Pretty sure she’s gonna notice that she doesn’t have a prom dress, hon.

The third girl in this shot is there to serve as a visual reminder that we are, in fact, in Jersey

But, just in the nick of time, DJ Douchebag arrives like an overgrown manchild superhero to drop off the dress.  The dress is actually really pretty.  Not a month’s rent worth of pretty, mind you, but pretty anyway.  We get a She’s All That stair walk moment, and TheMiki is still bored as hell.  Makeovers on people that were already pretty to begin with aren’t all that interesting.  It would be like if my skinny ass went on Biggest Loser or something.

Citizen! You are saved!  To the Douchemobile!

It’s the night before the Today Show appearance, and Responsible just realized that they didn’t pick out any accessories to go with their cheapo dresses.  Ma! is talking about a bra and there just are not words for how horrifying it is to listen to.  Words like ‘Boobylicious’ and phrases like “It holds your mooper and your pooper and your bad boys.”  Uh… What?  I’m pretty sure, based on Ma!’s dance moves that the ‘pooper’ is the belly and the ‘bad boys’ are the boobies, but what in the clear blue fuck is a mooper?  Anyone?  Anyone?

Bueller?

They rush out of the shop and they’re off to meet Kathy Lee.  Okay, at this point my urge to throw things at my TV (which is actually my roommate’s super expensive HDTV) was getting out of hand, so I paused the Tivo and went for a three cigarette and a mixed drink chain-smoke break.  Not that you guys need to know that, but I think my chain smoking and drinking is at least as interesting (if not more so) than what’s going on in Jersey, so you get updates.  Yay, updates!  Shut up.  Back to the reality dreck.

The ladies are in a limo pulling up to The Today Show.  Ma! calls Hota (one of the hosts) Hoota, which with a Jersey accent kinda sounds like she’s calling her “Hooter.”  Awesome.  They’re wandering around the studio, and it’s pretty bad when the most exciting thing that’s happened on an entire season of your TV show is your appearance on some other TV show.  They’re in the green room going through all the dresses and their matching accessories picked out and ready to go.  Responsible is slapping and fondling and talking about her sister’s boobies so much that it’s creeping me out.  A lot.  Oh, and the models aren’t there.  Woot!  Freak-out meltdown time.  Crazy gets them on the phone and they’re like an hour away and stuck in lots of traffic and oh noes!  Whatever will happen if the models don’t show up?  All seventeen people who actually tune into the fourth hour of the Today Show will think they’re unprofessional or something!  Cause Ma!’s insistence on singing the booty pop song will totally make them look like respectable business owners.

More cleavage equal more credibility

The producer tells Responsible to just go outside and pull three random girls out of the crowd.  She’s certain her models will be there on time, but it’s not looking good.  Oh, and now Responsible is singing the booty pop song.  Yay.  That really doesn’t ever get old. You know what?  Your missing models is God’s way of punishing you for putting me through this atrocity of a TV show every single week.  Die!!!

Oh hey, the models are finally there but it’s time to go on and no one’s ready.  Excitement!  They’re throwing on some Spanx but Ma! overshares that she can’t wear them cause of the menopause and they give her horrible hot flashes.  Thanks Ma!  Now I’m thinking about your reproductive organs.  **shudder**

I am kinda loving this creepy Asian dude though

Moment of truth: It’s time to sit down with Kathy Lee and Hooter.  Eep!  Ohmigod you guys are gonna be on TV.  Only you’re already on TV.  You have your own show.  I mean, it’s a terrible show, but so is The Today Show.  Why all the nerves and excitement?  I’m confused.  And bored.  And getting buzzed.  Ooh!  Commercial.  I’m gonna go get drunker.

A commercial for Debt Relief USA informs me that I DESERVE a fresh start.  Okay, yeah, I have terrible credit and more debt than I would like.  Would I ENJOY a fresh start?  Absolutely.  If someone offered to wipe out all my debt and raise my credit score into the 700 range would I take them up on it?  Fuck yes.  But do I DESERVE that?  Really?  No.  I deserve to pay off my bills that I myself incurred and to suffer the ramifications of the really late ones.  Knock it off Debt Relief USA.  Americans have enough entitlement issues without you telling us that it’s our god-given right to not suffer the consequences we create for ourselves.  Yeah.  I’m just gonna get down off this soapbox now…

We just can’t afford anymore decorative plates! Won’t someone save us please?

Back in Jersey the boys left at the shop are tuning in to watch their ladies’ Today Show appearance.  And on the set the girls are meeting Kathy Lee and Hooter and are very excited.  If you meet Kathy Lee and don’t seize the opportunity to put a pencil through her larynx and spare us the possibility of another album then you’re dead to me.

If this happens again, it’s on you.  Can you live with that?

Kathy Lee comments on the sisters’ cleavage, cause she’s super duper classy.  Kathy Lee asks them if they get along and they say that they fight like any other sisters.  Umm… I have four sisters and we never EVER fight like that.  We occasionally fight over major stuff, but that’s incredibly rare.  Mostly we love and support each other without any shouting or creepy boob grabbing.  The models come out and Responsible wheels out a torso with the magic bra on it.  Ma! nods in approval.  Yay for boobies!  That’s the first excited sentence I’ve typed in this whole recap that wasn’t dripping with sarcasm.

No really… Boobs are wonderful

And just like that the segment is over and Ma! is doing a song/cheer/dance combo, because every minor accomplishment on this god-forsaken show gets a song/cheer/dance combo.  Responsible says that she and Ma! and Crazy all share a brain.  I wonder who has it now…  They’re all proud of their performance, but Crazy says she’s exhausted and starving.  Yeah, those ten minute guest spots will really wipe you out.  I feel for ya.  Jackass.

Episode two is done!!!  Holy crap I can see the finish line off in the distance.  It’s time for another cigarette and another drink, and then it’s on to the third and final hour of pain!  Pain!!!!!!  Okay, back in a tick.

Let’s take a moment and look at something worth looking at, shall we?

God I would do so many unspeakable things to you if given half a chance…

Okay, I feel so much better.  On with the show!

Can I just say, right now, that hearing this annoying theme song three times in one day is just too much.  Way way too much.  It’s another exciting day of girls picking out prom dresses.  Today Ma! is on the phone with some dress manufacturer named Mac.  He’s invited the ladies to Chicago to see the new line of dresses and they’re gonna go.  Well, they’re trying to go, but they don’t know who will run the shop and scream in that Annoyinga language for a while, but Ma! figures it out by having them fly out Sunday night and return Tuesday morning.

Adorable fat baby is getting her picture taken in adorable baby prom dresses.  Aaaawwww.  It’s hard to snark on anything this cute.  And good lord is that child cute.  Also, I am taking a quick break from the snark to make the observation that Responsible seems like a really good mom.  She’s great with that adorable little fat baby.  It’s kinda precious.

No snarking.  Just aaawwww.

Okay, back in the shop to return to the exciting world of girls trying on prom dresses.  And there’s a girl.  And she trying on prom dresses.  She wants red, mermaid style.  I have no idea what that means… Does she want scuba gear?  A fin?  That scale dress from the last episode?  I don’t even care. This girl screams Horrible Spoiled Pretentious Bitchface, and she screams it loud.  Like, over a P.A. system.

And then my daddy said I could only have three BMW’s so I refused to eat until he gave in.  Thank god for coke, right?

I want her to suffer some sort of horrible tragedy that involves having to actually work for a living. Rich Bitch’s mom has total man voice.  Like creepy creepy man voice.  Responsible is gonna customize a dress with a trumpet silhouette.  Once again I say huh?  The fuck does that mean?

Like this… Only a dress

Off to Chicago.  We see a sign that says Michigan, which I’m assuming is just the name of some street in Chicago, but Oxygen should consider the average intelligence level of its viewers cause you know half of the West Coast now think Chicago is in Michigan.  The ladies land and immediately start drinking.  I’m with them on that front. Booze makes their lives much more bearable to watch, so I imagine it might make them more bearable to live as well.  Hey, sisters bickering about work ethics.  That’s only slightly less surprising than girls trying on dresses.  I guess I’m supposed to find this interesting because now they’re bickering in Chicago…?

Blah blah work ethic blah blah husband.  Shoot me.

They show up at Mac’s shop and he gives them flowers and takes them back to talk about the new line.  There’s a cocktail dress that for some reason makes me think of something that would walk down the runway on Project Runway.  And the designer would be safe and could leave the runway, but wouldn’t get a judge’s critique.  There’s a pageant dress that looks like one of those things that spins around and cleans your vehicle at the car wash.  I think the sequins might fuck up your paint job though.

After the show they go check out Mac’s enormous dress warehouse.  Ma!’s about to have some sort of tacky dressgasm.

I already had to think about your reproductive organs! I don’t need to see your O-face!

Responsible says they need a warehouse, or at the very least an organizational system similar to Mac’s.  She takes photos and sends them to DJ Douchebag in the hopes that he can emulate the system to make all their lives easier.  Dad asks Douche to help out the next day, but Douche mouths off about how it’s his day off.  Shut up DJ! I already don’t like you.

I totally have a big raid planned on World of Warcraft and if I’m not there then — Oh, I mean I have a bunch of hot sluts to bang.  Yeah… Girl sluts.

Dad is hard at work organizing the back room, and Douchnozzle strolls in late in some sort of official giant douchenozzle uniform complete with giant gold cross.

Please get the fuck off my television.  Thanks.

Back in Chicago the ladies are taking a tour and driving around and stuff, and then they show up at some party Mac is throwing in their honor.  Wow!  This guy’s house is epic.  Damn.  The Jersey girls are all gonna wear traditional Indian Saris for the party, which I think will be a huge improvement.  That’s not even a dig on their usual fashion choices (which aren’t good).  I just think most girls look gorgeous in traditional Indian clothing.  It’s flattering.  I could live without the “Go You” song and dance number though.  Urgh!

Officially a huge improvement over the indeterminate animal prints.

So there’s some drumming and some dancing and some partying.  I’m willing to believe that this party would be fun to attend, but watching it is just as boring as everything else that happens on this show.  Meh.

So the ladies are back in Jersey and Ma! wants to check out the newly organized back room.  She immediately starts screaming at Dad because it’s not done.  Damn. How about “Thank You” Ma!?  Since they did all this work based on some crazy whim you had while in Chicago.  The sisters yell at DJ Douchebag and while the same theory of saying thank you should apply, I’m always behind anyone yelling at that little twat.  I don’t care if he deserves it, because he always deserves it.  For being a twat.  And thinking that facial hair is okay.

Dear clipboard diary, today my sister yelled at me…

Just to break up the prom dress monotony we get to see someone pick out a pageant dress.  Yay!  Crazy talks some more about wanting to be a chef while they put the pageant girl in a bunch of dresses.  Ummm… Pageant girl is not attractive.  She’s not hideous or anything, but something went horribly awry with her nose at some point in her development.  She picks out a dress and just like that we’re back to song/cheers.  SHUT UP WITH THE SONG CHEERS!  Oh my god.  It hurts my brains!!!!

Okay, Responsible is sketching out what she wants the backroom to look like, and DJ Douchebag is being a douchebag.  Responsible has big plans for the backroom.  Big big boring ass plans.

Spoiled pretentious girl is back to check out her custom dress.  She tries the dress on and it looks really nice and holycrapyouhavetobeshittingme That dress is $2,699.  For serious?  That’s only $800 less than my car cost.  And it’s a CAR.  That’s a fucking dress!  And you’re going to wear it ONCE.  God I hate you people.  I’m seething.  Spoiled bitch girl brags about how no one else will have the same dress at her prom.  Shut up.  I want you to choke on your $2,000 a spoonful Beluca caviar.

This is where your life is headed.  Skank.

Meanwhile at some park bench Crazy is opining to some chick about how she doesn’t wanna work in the store anymore and random chick is telling her she needs to have a plan if she doesn’t wanna work in the store.  Responsible texts Crazy to get back to the store right away and Crazy says she can’t take it anymore so her friend says if she’s so unhappy she should find a different job.  Umm… Why would you wanna change your life when you could whine ineffectually about it instead?  That’s just crazy talk.

So Responsible is with DJ Douchebag at the site of their first dress shop.  She’s waxing intellectual about how this is where they came from but where do they wanna go and dammit!  I put out my smoke cause I heard the show come back on and it was the “We’re back! Psyche! No we’re not!” moment for the episode.  Fuck you, Oxygen.  That’s Bravo’s trick and even they are on thin ice with it.

It’s weird how we haven’t taken the sign down after all these years…

Okay, we’re back for reals.  Responsible is showing Ma! a bunch of dress sketches because she wants to expand or something?  Yeah, I don’t know.  Nor do I care.  She’s telling Ma! that it’s bad that they don’t do appointments, but Ma! is against appointments in general.  Responsible wants to make the shop bigger and better!  Ma! thinks it’s fine the way it is.  And she’s crying…?  Uh… Why is she crying?  I so don’t get it.  What about wanting to grow brings about tears?  I’m done trying to understand these bitches.  I’ve moved on to trying to make their heads explode with the power of my mind.

Where’s Phoenix when you need her?

Some girl named Jenny is there to get a dress for a bachelorette party and she starts flirting really obviously with DJ Douchebag. He gets a big shit-eating grin on his face and I throw up in my mouth a little.  Oh, and damn!  It’s her wedding!  What a skank.  She tries on a dress and says that it’s itchy, but I would take a wild guess and say that the itching might be a result of the crabs she picked up from whatever dude that wasn’t her fiance she was banging in the bathroom of the Denny’s by the 55 Turnpike.  Whorebag.

Responsible has the family over for dinner.  Responsible starts talking about how they need to grow again.  She wants to take the shop online and expand and do stuff and things.  Crazy doesn’t want any more work to do.  She says her, “Mental brain can only take so much of this.”  Haha.  Really?  REALLY????  That’s awesome.  I hate when my mental brain gets all overworked.  Crazy drops the bombshell that she doesn’t think she wants to work in the store much longer.  And then there’s more arguing but my roommate just came home and was talking to me and I missed it and can’t bring myself to rewind this crap.  It’s painful.  Whatever. Crazy storms out and says she’s done and the moon goes by and the sun rises and Oxygen thinks we need cheesy shots of both of those things.

My oral mouth is screaming while my visual eyes look around me

The next day (signified by cheesy shot of sunrise I guess?) Crazy is working in the store, but she’s still whining about how she wants to do something different.  Shut up and do it then, bitchface.  Jeebus!  It’s fat baby’s birthday and she’s opening presents in the store.  Damn is that child cute.  Holy crap, that kid got a Louis Vuitton bag for her second birthday. Those things cost like a thousand bucks.  That’s just ridiculous.

AAAAAWWWW

That’s way better than a college fund

And with that (and one more annoying song/cheer) we bring to a close this marathon of boredom.  Was it good for you?  Because I’m in pain.  Lots and lots of pain.  See ya all next week.  Is this season over yet?