Jersey Shore: Bed Toss is the New Table Flip

This week is the conclusion of Twingate 2011 and the much anticipated Mike & Ronnie fight. An earthquake, hurricane and a Jersey Shore fight in the same week = a complete life. I’m anticipating that I’ll end up being on Mike’s side in the fight and end up hating Vinny based on last week’s previews. As I’m typing this, I see that Vinny’s wearing shades in the house. I guess I’m right already.

Shades in the house? Three watches of various sizes? He looks like an out of work Times Square hustler.

If you recall, Vinny ended up with the virgin twin and Mike kept the original skanky one. Mike’s girl, Brittany, assumes the position and crawls into a cab after the deed is done so she can begin her 6 day treatment. She tries to get Erica out of Vinny’s bed but she’s sleeping off the shame of reality TV sex. Mike pops into the room, probably in an effort to help Vinny get the girl out of his bed, and says that her sister just left but she doesn’t care. In fact, Erica offers up this line:

Straight out of Chicken Soup for the Twin Soul

Her therapist has probably been itching for Erica to have this kind of breakthrough. Unfortunately, Erica will now be itching and breaking out as a result of it but freedom isn’t free. A short time later, Erica leaves and Vinny fills Ronnie in on what happened that night. Vinny says that Erica was in his bed “doing it blah, blah, blah”, Deena “got off” and then returned her to Vinny’s bed where Erica “polished” him off. I love the fact that he used technical terms; you don’t hear that too much these days. And what kind of virgin is Erica? That ho broke records. Men, women and Deena all in the same night! Vinny feels that Deena pulled a robbery but I say, Deena had the girl first. Her fatal error was leaving a fame hungry whore unattended. Vinny didn’t even have to coax her into the room with beggin’ strips or cold cuts. Ronnie, who’s become quite the gossip queen this season, tells Sammi and Snooki that Erica “went down” on Deena. He even made sound effects but MTV beeped it out for some reason. It’s really a shame because I would have loved to hear it; it could’ve been the one thing that redeemed his behavior from last season. How can you stay mad at a man who provides the soundtrack to lesbian hookups? I can’t and I won’t. Sam looks horrified at the thought of girl on girl action but ironically doesn’t use her usual stink face and Snooki seems jealous that Deena got this storyline and she’s stuck with the Mike one.

“I rammed my head into a leopard’s crotch last night and you’re still talking about Deena?”

After that, all of the guys go out to breakfast and they discuss the Snooki situation. Mike swears on his sister that he is telling the truth. He tells the same story Snooki did; her friend Ryder was doing his friend Unit (really?) and Snooki was so turned on that she got on her knees and you know the rest. I’m sure you wish you didn’t but you should’ve stopped reading about 18 sentences ago, so there! I’ve always felt that Mike wasn’t a liar but there is one major flaw in his story. Snooki got on her knees although she’s like 2’7″. If that’s the case, she’d be sucking his knee caps. Si?

“It didn’t take long either. I’m only this big.”

Mike feels that it’s his job to bring the truth to the people. WTF? Now this guy is Judge Wapner! Pauly wonders aloud what Sunday dinner will be like. Meanwhile, the girls go out to eat and Snooki wants all of the girls to give Mike the silent treatment. I. Freaking. Swear. This feels like an episode of The Hills. For real! Each group goes out seperately, they discuss the event of the day and JWoww uses words like repairable. Yeah f*%king right. I want to believe that this is real but it’s wearing thin. Especially when Snooki says that she doesn’t want to eat Sunday dinner with them. Gee, I wonder if Sunday dinner will be a pivotal point of the episode.

JWoww is dressed like a Steel Magnolia lest her frozen face be mistaken for Mt. Rushmore (which is only one town over from their house). 

They start talking about Deena having a lesbian moment and she denies doing anything more than making out with the girl. They think it’s kinda funny that Vinny got her sloppy seconds, Snooki says she licked a nipple once and then it abruptly cuts away. MTV has become very prudish these days! The girls do a little shopping and sightseeing. They even see the Statue of Liberty!

Back at the house, Vinny and Pauly start making fun of Deena for hooking up with a girl. She gets really offended and storms out of the kitchen with the guys anticipating making fun of her even more at dinner. Snooki called Jionni and tells him that a bitter Mike has been spreading rumors about them having sex. She denies it, he believes her and they are still in love. Booor-ing! I can’t wait until Jionni gets to Italy and it gets good.

At dinner, no one’s really talking because they mostly hate each other. The girls all dress up like “40 year olds from Yonkers” and put on these fake acents but these dolts don’t realize that they already appear to be about 47 and have horrendous accents. The guys get on Deena about commiting a robbery. She claims that Mike has done Vinny way worse than that but somehow he weasels his way out of it and she’s reprimanded for being a cockblocker. And then…the conversation just ends. None of the girls defend her, Vinny tells her not to do it again in case he likes the girl and then it’s quiet. All of a sudden, JWoww asks what else is going on and as if on cue, all of the guys start laughing robotically. It’s really weird; it’s like they were all paid to laugh as soon as JWoww remembered her line. Afterwards, Deena starts having a bit of a breakdown because the boys are being so mean to her.

Deena’s got that “battered woman from Lifetime Movies” face down pat.

“I wonder if this is what Pauly would feel like.”

To make matters worse, Pauly and Vinny decide that since Deena was wrong and did not apologize, they are going to put her bed in the living room. I’m not amused. They know the girl is sensitive and slow so why torment her? It really isn’t funny although the producers play lighthearted “silly tiptoe” music as they do it. Deena gets back to the room and is crushed by what happened. JWoww confronts the guys and Pauly says that ever since Vinny grew his beard, he’s changed. OMG, even when I hate this kid I still find him hilarious! JWoww tells them that she doesn’t want Deena to have a nervous breakdown. See? Even JWoww knows that this chick is one brick short of a leaning tower.

Instead of saying anything, Deena gets into her bed while fully cothed. Can we talk about this too? It disgusts me in the worst way to see them get into bed with all of their clothes and makeup. Everything they’ve picked up from the dirty restaurant chairs, taxis and each other are just co-mingling in their beds. The germs in the bed are probably mutating into some kind of supergerm that will be immune to antibiotics and bronzer. God help us all!

Why’d you guys do that? Now I’m gonna be stuck with the crying moron for the next two hours.

Deena is in full on crazy bitch mode and starts having an anxiety attack in the bed. On the plus side, JWoww and Sam both get into her bed so that’s great for a big ol’ lesbian.

Deena: When I get like this, the doctor suggested a homeopathic
solution.
Sammi: What’s that?
Deena: Put your face in my cooka.

I wouldn’t call this an anxiety attack so much as being a big freakin’ baby. JWoww tries to explain that throwing her bed out was wrong but Vinny defends it by saying that he did it as retaliation for what she did. Oh! Well now that you put it that way Vinny, it makes perfect sense! Jenni brings Deena into the room so they can talk out the incident and Deena says that Pauly is different when they’re in the house. He claims that she was never this emotional and she’s the one that changed; she can’t take a joke, she cries too much and she’s a cockblocker. Vinny doesn’t even care at this point.

“Mmmm…I wonder if this could fit into my mouth.

Pauly then starts saying that Deena doesn’t hook up with girls and then scrunches up his face to get ready to go into a homophobic rant but catches himself and starts talking a mile a minute to correct his potentially offensive statements. You’re not a carpet munching, scumbag, disgrace to your whole family, dyke loving muff diver!!

 

 

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Maybe I am though. Look how good I am with my tongue.

Unless you wanna go straight to hell, you betta cut out all that lesbian talk!

Not that you homos are causin’ all the world’s problems or nothin’.

Deena suddenly claims that she’ s not being herself and that she doesnt know what’s going on with her. She feels alone, is a mild alcoholic and does stupid things while drunk. Then she apologizes. Bizarre. Somehow this all became Deena’s fault and the boys suddenly claim that they have no problems with her and all is forgiven. I think I just witnessed the first ever lesbian exorcism.

The next day, Deena, Snooki and Pauly work at the pizzeria. Pauly’s job is to hand out flyers and talk to girls while Snooki and Deena actually cook and clean. They do take a few minutes to squeeze themselves into a garbage bag because that’s where they’ll be headed as soon as they’re 30 and find out that bronzer and lesbian misadventures will only get you so far. Eventually Snooki ends up giving a customer money to buy wine for them. She and Deena sneak into the bathroom to drink it and Snooki haughtily informs the girl to keep the change. Snooki, be smart and take the change! You may need it sooner than you think. Oh, and they don’t really sneak off to drink the wine. They skip off to the bathroom with a chorus of “woo hoos” and fist pumps because that’s always the best way to discreetly drink on the job. Marco is wondering where the girls are because in Italy fist pumping woo hoos actually do go unnoticed. He knocks on the bathroom door and Deena explains that she had her “perioso”.

My coochino’s leaking marinara sauce.

I’m surprised that Marco doesn’t kick them out after hearing that Deena had her period. Won’t that ruin the sauce and attract bats? Back at the house, Ronnie is still stringing his friend Hannah along with promises of an Italian visit. Jenni doesn’t want Ronnie to bring this girl to the house and start trouble while they are in Italy so she confronts him about it. Ronnie just hangs his head in shame and says that he’s going to see if things work out with Sam. Anyone notice how weird Jenni seemed during the conversation? Her voice was extra raspy, she was slurring a little and making weird movements. It was like an audition for Sober House…something’s off there. Also, Jeni should be encouraging the Hannah visit. We need drama! I understand that in the real world all of this crap is annoying but on a top rated cable show, it’s necessary. Plus, I keep picturing some girl with blond hair, cutoff shorts and bad teeth so I want to see if I am right.

Ronnie and Jenni go shopping which surprises me. Sammi was home, doing nothing, or at least it seemed so I thought it was interesting that she stayed behind while he hung out with JWoww. Maybe she’s truly changed and really knows who she is. I know who she is. A girl who’s in love with Ronnie because he bought her street wares. Sam is thrilled with the dress and purse he purchased her. How’d Ronnie know that she’d appreciate a short, tight dress? It’s like their connected at the brain cell.

That night, Sam and Ron go out for a nice dinner and the brilliant Ronnie let’s out a grand slam “Winning!” Too bad this show was filmed so many months ago; he could’ve landed the spinoff Two and a Half Sentences. Snooki and Jenni go out for dinner too and for girls who are so into their bodies now, they sure do eat like truckers. Jenni’s not sure if she should tell Sammi about Hannah but they ultimately agree to keep their mouths shut so they don’t have a repeat of Miami.

Now we’re at the club where all disasters begin a’brewin’. Ronnie is dancing on some kind of elevated platform and Sam somehow gets it into her mind that he’s dancing with a girl when he clearly is not.

Ronnie: Woo hoo! I’m popping bottles with Diddy.
Guy in Club: I’m not Diddy.

I will NOT drink to that!

Sam gets pissed off at Ronnie and they have yet another confrontation in the club.

“I can’t argue right now Sam. My shirt is decorated like a black & white version of “The Max” and it’s giving me a seizure.”

Oh man! Ronnie was my hero when he started mocking her. I get where she’s coming from because Sam has been paranoid ever since she was humiliated in Miami. Ron did all of that stuff right under her nose (and his allegedly). She’s also heard other tales of Ronnies wild ways. Remember when JWoww relayed a tale of a possibly protection-less Ronnie banging some chick in a club bathroom a couple of seasons ago? I think it was between Season 1 and 2. That kind of stuff stays in one’s mind forever and that’s why no matter how much better things seem to be, both parties need to cut their losses and move on to other people. They’ll ruin those other people’s lives too but at least it’ll be fresh and exciting. This is just tiresome and scary. We’ll get to the scary in a bit.

Ron is back at the house after leaving Sam at the club. The rest of the group heads home and Pauly and Mike have girls with them. Deena says to Sam that she doesn’t understand what went wrong because Sam and Ronnie were having such a good day. First of all, if a relationship’s health is measured in days, it’s not good. Secondly, the “good” day ended when Deena asked Sam where Ronnie was at the club. I nominate Deena for the most obnoxious roommate of the episode for not standing up for herself and for being the spark that eventually set off WW III. Pauly, the official hero of this show and my life, takes his girl on a tour of the house. He shows her the steps and what happens when you take steroids:

LL. O. Freaking. L

By the way, we’re all clear on the fact that Pauly only said that because he knew that Ronnie couldn’t talk on the phone and listen at the same time. Right? These guys don’t want any part of a pissed off Ronnie and they’ve made that clear. Ronnie is in the midst of a very deep conversation with a male friend who’d probably rather lick Deena’s stomach than have yet another Ron and Sam conversation. Ronnie says that he never puts vagina on a pedestal. It belongs on the couch and/or floor. Well! That’s not very sanitary of Ronnie; and it’s quite limited. Ronnie gets off the phone, goes into his room and Sam, of course, goes in for the kill. They go through the “we need to talk” routine followed by the “I’m gonna check you” with a side of “get out.”

Pauly is ready to smush but his girl caught a a case of the “morals” and wants to hang out. He dismisses her and she gets her friend from Mike’s room. Aww, it’s like Season 1 all over again. Mike calls Brittany to come over for an hour or two and as he awaits his blushing brick, he stops in to tell Ron and Sammi that they love each other and that’s all that matters. As soon as he walks out, Sam recounts how Mike told her that Ronnie was going to have five girls come to the house. She tells the story to a)deflect attention from her stupidity and b) to show how good she is at brushing things off a.k.a. being a doormat. First of all, Ronnie was single and was running his mouth. Secondly, what’s the point of this?! They both say stupid things just to get at each other but it never actually happened!! Why oh why am I trying to apply logic to a Ron and Sammi fight?

I just think this looks funny.

Put yourself in Mike’s shoes: it’s 4AM, you’re drunk, or at least tipsy, and a hulking figure starts coming at you in an alcohol and possibly substance fueled rage while you’re waiting for your trollop. Awkward. Ron doesn’t explain himself he just keeps saying words and stringing them together into random sentences. Mike has no idea what Ron is talking about and he brings Sam out to repeat the five girl story. Haha! Ron does the angry argument clap. Not so haha is when he pushes Sam into the room.

“He didn’t push me, I was doing the lean from the Smooth Criminal video.”

More disturbing is the way Sam turns around and puts up her hand as if to tell Ronnie to stop. It wasn’t like, stop don’t touch me. It was more like, stop don’t touch me when cameras/people are around. Maybe it’s just me, but that silent exchange was disturbing. Sammi gets in on the imitation action and repeats the story the way Mike told it.

I’d say this is a marked improvment over her usual stink face.

Mike denies this. I did defend Mike a couple of weeks ago as not being a liar so much as an instigator, but he did lie here. Although, it was late, he was drunk and maybe he forgot since he runs his mouth so much. Also, none of the guys in the house want a piece of angry Ronnie. We all saw “one shot, one shot!” in season 1 and Mike doesnt want to be the next one to earn a memorable phrase courtesy of Ronnie.

“Yo no speako English. Me no talk bad about Ronnie.”

Ronnie’s pissed either way so he throws Mike’s bed out of their bedroom. Why do they always go for the bed? This is like the fourth bed tossing incident on the show! Mike tries to speak calmly and tell Ron that he doesn’t get involved in their issues but after he walks in the room and realizes that Ronnie has tossed his makeup around, Mike starts to flip out too! Sam unwisely puts herself between the two of them and she just gets tossed around like a rag doll.

“He didn’t push me. I was actually doing an interpretive dance to “I Believe I Can Fly”.”

And all hell breaks loose.

“This is horrible. I’ve got to hurry up and contort my face into some kind of emotion before the fight is over.”

“Hmmm, maybe Ronnie will kill Mike and we can edit out that whole cheating on Jionni thing.”

“Ronnie, where the hell is my Axe body spray? Where is it?!”

Ronnie: Hey Mike, what’d the 12 ribs say to the bed frame?
Mike: Ron, everyone knows that we have 12 pairs of ribs so I actually have 24 and I’m not sure what they would say.
Sammi: Oh my Gad! Ronnie’s not paying any attention to me.
JWoww: Hold up guys! I’ve almost got it. I’m going for confused and upset. Just gotta lift this left nostril.

And it ends. It pretty much stops there and we’ve all seen the previews so we know the ambulance comes. Jenni also pleads with the mother of all idiots, Sam, to leave her alone with Ron so she can bang some sense back into his head and keep the house intact. You know what’s scary about this? This involved a bed frame that I am assuming is metal, maybe wood. And it’s Italian so you know it’s expertly handcrafted and durable. What if Mike had hit it at the wrong angle and been paralyzed or something? I’m not gonna lie, this was my favorite episode this season but it’s because it was the least scripted towards the end. Im torn. Actually, I’m not. I loved it and I’m glad Mike isn’t seriously injured. So what’s up with the lesbian harassment? Should Deena have apologized? Is there anything off about Jenni? And did Brittany ever show up to the house? I imagine she did and humped Mike all the way to the hospital. Don’t forget about the very special pre-VMA episode! I’ll be working OT on that, can’t wait!