Jersey Shore: Blinded by Bling

“Who’s talking? Who is that?”

Tonight on Jersey Shore we dive right back in!  It’s like no time passed at all since we partied on the shores of Seaside Heights.  I didn’t realize how much I missed our clueless guidos.

We pick up right after Ronnie had his “two-fer” kiss – two grenades for the price of one – at appropriately named club “b.e.d.” The boys and Angelina are all climbing into a cab home.  Ronnie seems to be adamant that “I did nothing.  I did nothing.”  So the others are like, “You were NOT dancing with those girls,” etc.  Once home Ronnie is still completely bombed so he continues to babble about the evening, informing the other guys, “I feel like I did mad work tonight,” and finishing with, “Now I’ll go sleep with my girl in the bed.”  And he high fives the Sitch.  Then Pauly D, then Vinny.

“That’s how we do it in Jersey. What up?”

Wow, he is very impressed with himself – in a totally drunk way.  A code of silence is invoked, then he goes off to find Sammi.  The Situation tells the camera about all of this in a way that makes it seem like he’s totally scandalized, but in reality we all know he wishes it was him racking up all these girls.  Ronnie stumbles over to Sammi’s bed and falls into it with her.  She wants to know if he did anything at the clubs (stupid question, Sammi) and he, of course, tells her no, he loves her.  Then he passes out.  The other guys speculate about the h-bomb that Sammi will morph into when she finds out what really happened tonight.

“If by ‘anything’ you mean ‘orgy,’ then uh… no. No neva.”

The next morning the camera takes stock of each roommate, making sure everyone made it through the night, and we see the Sitch waking up briefly to sip the beer that’s on his nightstand.  Excellent way to stave off that hangover, Sitch.  Then we get to Ronnie, who is stealing out of Sammi’s bed totally baffled as to his whereabouts.  He wanders confusedly through the house grabbing his crotch, which must be just as hungover as the rest of him, and he tells the camera that he has no idea how he got into that bed last night.  He says he had a “Snook” night, like the time last season when Snooki made a complete drunk ass of herself and woke up hurting and without memory… that’s how Ronnie feels now.  Pauly D is on the phone and highly amused watching Ronnie flopping around holding his head.  Pauly D tells whoever is on the other end that Ronnie was creepin then went to bed with Sammi, which is “gangsta.”  Oh, and something Pauly D himself would do.  Sure you would, Pauly D – if you could get anyone to comply.  He also says that Ronnie is now F-ed because when Sammi puts two and two together, there will be hell to pay.  Then we flash to one of Pauly D’s giddy confessional interviews where he explains something to us like a three-year-old on his birthday.

“This is mad funny, yo.”

He says that Ronnie is now in the IFF, which stands for the “I’m F-ed Foundation.”  Ronnie is the client and the president, Pauly D happily explains.

Ronnie vaguely remembers his three-way kiss and Pauly D giggles some more.  Uh oh, here comes a sleepy-eyed Sammi, thinking everything is back to happy times.  Ronnie looks like he’s about to be taken to his own execution.

“Aw cripes she recognizes me.”

Sammi sits on the couch with Pauly D and starts recalling how obnoxious Ronnie was all night.  Ronnie joins them, claiming not to remember calling Sammi the c-word (or anything else).  He vows never to drink that much again.  Ha ha… until tonight.

Later the guys – except Ronnie – are in the kitchen discussing Ronnie’s behavior and unluckily Sammi is right there listening, so they try to cover for him, saying they were talking about all of them, not just Ronnie.  Then Vinny puts on his best game face, meaning he breaks into nervous giggles, and Sammi wants to know what’s up.  All they will say is that Ronnie was really drunk.

Still later the guys are all driving together, wearing what looks to be their Jersey Shore uniforms, which are black wife beaters and sweat pants.  Okay, so they WANT to go around dressed alike?

“So’s we can find each otha if we gets lost.”

Ronnie’s concocting a very complicated plan about his behavior last night, which is to deny, deny, deny.  At least until Angelina blows the whistle, then it’s every man for himself.

J-Woww, Snooki and Sammi are in another car looking for what Sammi tells us is a tranny shop so that they can buy more ho gear to wear out to the clubs.  A tranny shop?  Oh boy.  J-Woww is delighted to find some extremely offensive clothing – she informs us that this is her scene.

“It’s made special for fake boobs!!”

I hope she realizes that she’ll never be a tranny, no matter how many absurd outfits she struts around in.  Snooki finds herself some sunglasses that are covered in crystals, lenses and all, and tells us that she can hardly see in them, but she’s willing, nonetheless to buy them for herself.  She knowingly tells us she doesn’t think you can drive with them because you’ll get a ticket.  Good guess, Snooks.

“Can someone help me cross the street?”

The glasses cost an appalling $395, but luckily the guy at the counter senses that he is in the midst of celebrities and offers them a discount.  He must be hoping the sunglasses will show up on TV.  Wait, the discount is two dollars. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!  Sorry Snooki, you still have to pay for your own idiocy.

The guys return from what looks like the grocery store and the Sitch starts to dump barbecue sauce on a bunch of meat for dinner later.  Angelina has finally arisen and plays along with Ronnie’s denial of the previous evening, but advises him “as his friend” that he should just be single right now.  Ronnie agrees, or pretends to, and the Sitch puts the meat in the refrigerator, warning those within earshot that the meat is precariously balanced, so to open the fridge with caution.  I sense disaster looming.  Sure enough, in walks Snooki in her blinders, yelling about pickles, goes right for the fridge and is attacked by a tray of barbecue sauce covered chicken.

“What WAS that? A rat??”

Vinny runs over to help her, but they are both somehow stymied as to what they should do next, so they go out to the hot tub to consult the Sitch.  It’s pretty funny.  They’re like, “The chicken fell, what do we do?”   Sitch is like, “Hello? Pick it up.”  It WAS pretty stupid of the Sitch to leave it like that in the fridge, but it cracks me up that Snooki and Vinny are totally helpless in the face of spilled chicken.  Snooki gets paper towels and smears the barbecue sauce all around the floor.  Vinny, who has watched his mother clean up his spills many times, advises her to use a rag.

A bit later, we learn that each roommate has a “phone book” next to the not-duck phone.  I guess this is what happens when a reality production crew confiscates cell phones.  They each got a little spiral notebook in which to keep lists of phone numbers.  Sammi is very innocently sitting by the phone and very innocently decides to search through Ronnie’s phone book.  Oh geez.

“R-O-N… yeah I think this one’s Ronnie’s.”

She sees the name Caroline, who is apparently an ex-girlfriend of Ronnies, so she goes storming into Ronnie’s room demanding to know why Caroline is in his book.  Ronnie’s like, “Why are you going through my phone book?” Oh Ronnie, that’s neither here nor there.  Have you forgotten who you’re dealing with?  Sure enough, Sammi works herself into a crying frenzy, telling him to f off and have a nice life!  Wow, I’m so excited for when she hears about the two-fer.  She’s going to need a straight jacket and very powerful sedatives.  Sammi hides in the bathroom to pout, screaming through the door that she’s over it.  OVER IT!  Right.

There is a caucus in the kitchen to decide whether or not to eat the fallen chicken.  It’s going to be cooked, so technically, they could give it a good rinse, put new barbecue sauce on it and be fine, but no one knows how safe that would be.  Outside J-Woww is warning Ronnie that Sammi is going to ruin everything – Ronnie thinks she already has.  He confides to J-Woww about the two-fer and says he WAS going to tell Sammi about it himself, but not anymore.  What?  What happened to deny, deny, deny?  Schizo.

The Sitch has finally decided that dinner is totally ruined so he calls a restaurant to order food.  Here is the conversation with the poor guy who answers the phone:
Guy:  Delivery
Sitch:  Yeah, I’d like to place an order for pick-up please.
Guy:  What’s your name?
Sitch:  Situation
Guy:  (pause) The name!?
Sitch:  Yes, that is Situation.  Capital S-I-T-U-A-T-I-O-N, like see -
Guy:  Whatever man.  What’s the order?

Aw, someone’s not a big fan of our show!  And not at all amused or interested in Mike’s pet names for himself.  I bet they’re all wondering when all their media whoring is going to pay off, because so far this season no one cares.  LOL.

Later while everyone eats, J-Woww decides to take a shower and we all learn that the bathroom door is completely see through.  It’s made of foggy glass that only serves to mildly blur the perfect image of J-Woww’s naked body.  Quickly all the roommates gather to gawk and giggle.  Just lovely.

“J-Woww has boobies! And they look all fuzzy!”

Now we get a montage of the phone ringing day in and day out and every single call is for Angelina.  This makes no one happy – except Angelina.  How does she have all these friends?  She seems so awful.  Are there a bunch of people in Staten Island hoping to get on TV?  J-Woww and Snooki again discuss all the crap Angelina has said about them since last season.  J-Woww reveals that Angelina told someone who knows someone that both J-Woww and Snooki’s boyfriends are too good for them.  Oh also that she called Emilio (Snooki’s boy toy) a f**** m****.  I honestly have no idea what that is.  Anyone?  Snooki says she doesn’t care if Angelina talks crap about her (lie), but when she talks about her girls, her boyfriend or her family, then it’s on.  And out she marches to the patio for a confrontation.  The boys who are out there all perk up, hoping to witness a catfight.  Snooki lays into her, wanting to know where she thinks she gets off saying things about Emilio.  Angelina uses Ronnie’s defense:  denial.

“I would never do that! I’m CLASSY. CLASSY, bitch!”

Pretty soon J-Woww walks out, saying that Angelina ran her mouth to J-Woww’s best friends.  When Angelina asks who, J-Woww says, “J-420, Joey Angst, Bill.”  Aw, poor Bill.  Doesn’t he get a fun name like everyone else?  Oh my gosh, these people.  Angelina continues to deny.  J-Woww assures Angelina that she will get her ass beat.  Ronnie delightfully offers to bring the boys pretzels as entertainment refreshments.  Ha!

The Sitch tells us he’s seen J-Woww in the gym “throwing out combos” and that he himself has gotten a taste of what she is capable of.  Remember the awesome night in Atlantic City when she belted him in the mouth?  I sure do!  Angelina yells to J-Woww, “I’m not gonna downgrade myself!”  Meaning that she won’t stoop to fight J-Woww, who says, “Downgrade?  You’re gonna get your ass beat!”  Hee!  I’ve forgotten how enjoyable this show is.  Just now the phone rings and it’s of course for Angelina.  Snooki answers and when the person asks to speak to Angelina, Snooki goes, “No, she died.”  And hangs up.  The phone immediately rings again and this time Angelina picks it up.  A panicked voice goes, “Angelina died!?”  Ha ha ha ha ha!  I love this show’s editors.  BTW, through all of this Sammi has been pouting on her bed.  She’s such a barrel of laughs.

“Has Ronnie noticed that I’m mad? Has he?”

With Angelina safely on the phone, the conversation outside turns back to Ronnie’s escapades the night before.  The Sitch totally wants to tell the girls about Ronnie’s comment about getting with ho’s then sleeping with Sammi.  He’s just as bad as a girl with the blabbing.

The next morning brings yet another shocker:  Sammi is feeling remorseful about her tantrum last night.  And Ronnie has now gone into the whimpering fetal position on his bed.  This again.  When Sammi apologizes Ronnie admits that he did talk to his ex but it was only to get advice on what to do about Sammi.  And apparently the ex told him to give Sammi another chance.  Happy now, Sammi?  Ronnie says his weakness is that he loves Sammi so f-ing much!  Oh, so this is what love looks like?  I’ve wondered.  They decide to work on their problems and grow from it.  We all know how THAT works with these two.  Ronnie tells us that it’s awkward because they’re exes.  And it’s not like Zack and Kelly from Saved By The Bell – meaning I guess that they can’t just go back to being friends.  He’s right.  He and Sammi are nowhere near the maturity level of Saved By The Bell.

It’s time to find out about the working requirements of Jersey Shore:  The Miami Beach edition!  The gang heads to a gelato shop where they meet a legitimate Italian, like with an accent and everything.  His name is Enzo, like the baker from The Godfather.  Hi Enzo!

“Nooooooo puking in the gelato, please.”

It looks like the gang will be serving gelato this summer and that means that they have to learn how to handle food.  Enzo informs them that they will all need to wear hats.  He looks at Pauly D and says he doesn’t know how that will work for him, but he has to.  Pauly D takes a moment with the camera to tell us that Enzo is afraid his hair is going to fall out into the gelato, which is crazy because he can be going 150 miles an hour on the highway on a street bike and his hair doesn’t move.  What makes Enzo think it’s going to move in a gelato shop?  I hate to say it, but good point, Pauly D.  Still, no one wants flakes of hair gel as a gelato topper, either, so maybe cover that crap up.  Snooki is watching everything in her ludicrous sunglasses so who knows what she actually learned today?

After gelato orientation, Ronnie has a brainstorm that he needs to get a tattoo, so off he goes and asks Sammi to go with him.  She considers this on par with a marriage proposal, so she is deeply honored to go with him and hold his hand while he gets a pair of hands in a praying position holding rosary beads tattooed on the side of his torso. There’s no explanation for any of this, it’s just supposed to be a tender moment between Ronnie and Sammi as they talk about this like he’s going through chemo or something.  Sammi promises solemnly that she’ll always be there for him.  Aw, renewed love, how very sweet.  Not for long, I’m sure.

Aw, look. Just like Zack and Kelly!

What’s next?  Ah, we’re going to sushi with Angelina, Sitchy D (HOLLA msjacqmills!) and Vinny.  Angelina tells us she gets along better with guys then girls for whatever reason.  I’d say the reason is that you’re a huge bi-otch who girls won’t tolerate, but who tags along – wanted or not – with the guys.  As her dear friends, the guys tell her that she’s part of the IFF since she’s pissed off everyone in the house and refuses to make amends.  She doesn’t seem too bothered by this.

Later the guys are getting ready to go out and we learn about yet another grooming habit of the Jersey Shore guido.  This is the “shirt before the shirt.”  You see first they take a shower.  Pauly D demonstrates this by spraying his entire body down with some sort of deodorant or body spray that I’m sure smells totally fresh.  Then they put on either a white or black wife beater in which to sit around the house before “t-shirt time” which is when  they change into the shirts that will be worn to the clubs.

Moment of silence for guido traditions.

If they spent this much time thinking about finding a legitimate job or even speaking properly, their whole lives could be different.  But no, all of the brain power is used up on such epiphanies as “the shirt before the shirt,” “fresh to death,” and “GTL.”

At the club a young lady with some nasty looking blonde extensions introduces herself to Angelina and offers her shots.  This leads to some female on female grinding on the dance floor, which Pauly D tells us is not surprising, but interesting.

But it’s really not interesting either.

They’re pretty wasted because the dancing shortly becomes tumbling to the ground.  The Sitch has found some skank to make out with on a couch while he wears his sunglasses, but it’s cut short when she bites him.

“I live for Twilight.”

Aw, too bad.  As she rolls off of him in her micro mini skirt, her crotch is blurred out like 17 different times.  See how close you got, Mike?

Angelina sees Pauly D dancing with a “married girl.”  How she knows this I’m not sure.  The girl doesn’t have a ring on the wedding ring finger.  The girl writes down her number for Pauly D’s phone book and Angelina comes over and tells him that her new friend said that girl is getting engaged.  Okay “getting engaged” is on a different planet than “married girl” first of all.  Secondly, who even knows if this is accurate?  And thirdly, who cares?  Give it five seconds, he’ll be onto the next ho.  Of course, Pauly D doesn’t give a flip what that girl’s status is, he just wants to be left alone.  Angelina says she’s Pauly D’s true friend and she loves him.  Have another one, Angelina.  I remember from last season that she was a total cockblock.  I don’t get why she cares.  I have never once commented on any girl that my guy friends have found while out and about.  I wouldn’t want them commenting on my choices either, so everyone just leaves it alone.  Am I right?

When the gang gets back home Angelina is so wasted that she’s starting to get all teary about this.  Oh please. Eat some french fries and go to bed.  You’ll be so embarrassed tomorrow.  Pauly D announces that he got like 15 phone numbers.  See?  The girl in question was just a passing blip.  The Sitch wants to start up the grill and Angelina wants to start up an argument.  Pauly D reminds us all that Angelina’s boyfriend from last season was married.  Another good point, you little hypocrite!  Back the f off, Angelina. You seriously suck.  Pauly D starts to lose his patience and the Sitch tries to insert himself, supposedly to diffuse things, but it just escalates.

See how mature Angelina is?

Angelina is telling Pauly D that she loves him and wants to marry him.  Pauly D tells her to mind her business and leave him alone.  She starts bawling (behind her sunglasses) and then slaps Pauly D, telling him he just doesn’t care.  The Sitch begs her to go to bed.  Seriously, Angelina.  Sitch reminds her that they are the only two in the house that are even cool with her so she’d better pipe down and not blow that too.  She doesn’t.  She follows them out to the grill and when she tries to grab Pauly’s arm he loses it and screams, “You touching me?  Stop touching me!”  Then he tells her that she’s on her own.  Sitchy D no longer has her back.

Next week!  Snooki tries to help Angelina by telling her to admit what she’s done to people, but Angelina refuses.  Ronnie and Sammi fight again (no!), so Ronnie goes back to creepin.  The Sitch somehow ends up in the hot tub with a whole bunch of grenades, and Snooki and Vinny sleep together… possibly more.  Should be good!

How are you guys liking this?  Anyone even remotely interested in the Sammi/Ronnie storyline anymore?  What are you loving to laugh at this season?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta