Jersey Shore: Chap Pumps, Fist Sticks Etc…

This week Jersey Shore gave us a breather from the fighting and craziness and left us with a mashup of random footage that they tried to piece into a storyline. Mike is still injured and Ronnie has taken enough tranquilizers to stop an elephant in its tracks so he’s playing Ghandi this week. Snooki is in a horrible relationship, she’s still mad at Mike, Deena is still trying to get some and JWoww has yet to prove that she has any value this season.

And Sam dresses like ”Poetic Justice” Janet Jackson.

Mike is still wearing his neck brace and moping around the house feeling sorry for himself. For some reason he keeps dragging his dirty ass blanket with him from room to room like he’s Linus from Peanuts. Since we’re a little light on material this week, let’s see if we can figure out who the rest of the cast would be in a Peanuts world. I’m a little rusty on my Charlie Bown knowledge but here’s my rundown:

Pauly, cool and lovable = Snoopy
Deena, the flighty weirdo = Woodstock
Snooki, her Snooki-ness = Charlie Brown
Mike, blanketed weirdo = Linus
JWoww, advice no one asked for = Lucy
Vinny, who mimics Pauly to no end = Rerun
Sammi, he broke my glasses *tear* = Marcie
Ronnie, the lovable roided out lesbian = Peppermint Patty

Now that that necessary diversion is out of the way, Mike is laying on the couch in some curiously blurred out pants. I’m guessing they’re sold by that company that got free publicity from the MTV hit a few weeks ago when they claimed they didn’t want the cast to wear their clothes. I would type the name of the store but I’m against shameless publicity stunts. I also can not spell it and that makes me sad.

There’s no shortage of disdain for Mike who ran his own head into the wall. In fact, Vinny and Pauly take his neck brace and Pauly does a very convincing impression of Mike while Vinny plays the straight man who is trying to be funny but is glaringly straight. That is not an indication of his sexuality…obviously. And Pauly is really driving the bus at this point. Who knew?

Mike wants to go home but when he calls his sister and gets no sympathy for ramming his head into a wall, he drops the act. Meanwhile, the girls leave Mike to rot and drop off their laundry. I wonder if they leave everything because the idea of anyone washing their leopard print bras and Ed Hardy thongs grosses me out. The girls drop their stuff off at a place that I can only assume is equipped with the finest wash and dry HAZMAT facilities south of the Mississippi and head out to lunch.  Jenni officially has a new voice to go long with her new face and body this season. She always had a little rasp to her voice but now its transformed into this mucus filled growl. I also do not understand why she went through so much ffort to lose weight and botox the living crap out of her face but has left her hair looking so ratty. It’s like this relationship with Roger has made her give up on life. She had a ratty weave the first season, got a better one for seasons 2 and 3 and has just fallen off the good hair wagon. She needs to come over so I can hook her up unless this is the look she’s going for.

JWoww: I haven’t combed my hair in one month. Know that!
Deena: Did I do sex on your hair? Because I’m pretty sure I did sex on your hair.

All of the girls are upset with Mike but it seems like outside of Snooki and Sam, no one has a legitimate reason for it. Actually, Snooki is the only one unless they’re still harboring accumulated grudges from the last two years. It seems more like they’re trying to take Snooki’s side in an effort to blindly stick to ill defined girl code although they all know she hooked up with Mike. Sam proclaims that she still doesn’t like Mike but America doesn’t like her and he made like $6 million last year. I wonder how it feels to be the cast member no one wants. She is one half of the most annoying couple on televison and doesn’t even have the personality to make her likeable on her own. At least Ronnie McMuscles can capitalize on his body before he ends up jumping out of a window in a drug fueled rage in a couple of years.

Back at the house, Ronnie of all people talks to Mike to find out what’s wrong.

Mike: I’m depressed and I can’t do anything for myself.
Ronnie: Hows about I give you a little massage. Is that better?
Mike: Can you make it a little higher and put on a pair of my sweatpants while I watch?
Ronnie: I thought you’d never ask.

Apparently Mike is now paralyzed from the eyeballs down and can not do anything for himself. This really drives home my theory that nothing is worse than a sick man. Remember a few years ago when that little blonde gymnast did a quadruple handspring, pelvic thrust cartwheel monkey flip and landed on one leg with a small Russian child attached to her hip because her other leg was mauled off in an unfortunate whale rescue attempt? Yeah, that’s what women do. NBA players tear one little ACL, get carried out on a stretcher and are out for the entire season! Ronnie has held a grudge for the past two years over something stupid but he claims that he’s not a bad hearted guy and does not want to see anyone in this condition. Ron says that he understands where Mike is coming from because not too long ago, HE packed up all of his drugs and was going to leave. It turns out that all Mike needed was some attention because he whips off his neck brace, tickles Ronnie in his special place and gets ready to go to the gym.

Snooki and the girls are walking home looking like hosed down hookers. Please understand that that is an improvement. JWoww in particular is wearing what looks like an oversized Richard Simmons tank top and nothing else; I wonder if Roger wants to keep her looking like this so no one wants her. While they’re walking by a church a priest yells at Snooki to cover herself when she walks by a church since she’s not an eight year old boy. She responds “shut up” and then murmurs “asshole”. Way to guarantee that spot in hell or heaven. The jury is still out on that one.

Coming Soon: The straight to DVD release of Pretty Woman 4: The Rich Guy Left Me When He Found Out I Wasn’t a Literal Hamster.

Snooki feels that God loves her tits because he made them but JWoww says that He didn’t make hers and then guffaws like it’s the funniest thing she’s said all season. Actually, that’s exactly correct since all she’s done is slur unintelligibly and crush coffee beans with her boobs so far. I didn’t find it particularly funny though. God made the implants and the blind doctor who inserted them so she’s just wrong.

Once inside, Snooki calls Jionni and tells him how much she misses him but then says she wants to suck his butt. He calls her stupid which is actually stupid of him. She’s not stupid – she’s WORKING! This is what your girl does for a living asshole; deal with it. She apologizes profusely and says that she is trying to change. I had to put myself in his shoes and I could see where he could get annoyed but on the other hand, he’s dating a girl named SNOOKI. He says that he’s not sure how his visit to Italy would go and he’ll leave the house, unlike anyone else, if he’s annoyed by her. She tells him not to come if he feels that way and the call ends. I miss the old Snooki that spent her phone calls trying to get out of jail and/or trying to figure who she had sex with the night before so she could find his cousin and bang him too.  Actually, that’s how she started dating Jionni. The problem here is that Jionni knows her history. You might even say that he’s a victim of her history yet he decided to date her anyway. Snooki isn’t the only one not feeling this behavior, Ronnie is mad as hell. He defends Snooki’s right to yell out “shots” and talk about about Jionni’s butt hole all she wants.

Ronnie: Like Buddha once said at the Vatican, you have to fight for your right to, like, party.
Snooki: Hold on, I’m being held up by a roach.

Ron tells her not to be in a relationship in which she has to step on eggshells because he knows how it feels. I’ve heard of some freaky stuff but making someone step on eggshells? Is he dating a baker of some sort? An old chicken? Is he starting a compost heap? That must be some ancient Buddhist practice. Then he tells her to make Jionni get on his knees and suck Nutella off of her toes. Snooki tries to interrupt but Ronnie is going full speed ahead with this Nutella thing. My guess is he and Sam take turns inflicting this Nutella tantric sex act on each other whenever they get back together.

They officially have nothing to do today so Pauly D lets Deena do his hair. Ive got ten bucks that says she’ ll swipe a couple of hairs for her Pauly D voodoo doll. After Deena gives him a faux hawk, he says that he looks like guidos on TV that try too hard. I’m gonna guess that he’s being tongue in cheek because my Pauly would never say something that dumb and mean it. He and Vinny proceed to dress up in track suits, put on headbands and clored glasses and fist pump all over the house. They start a new phrase: Fist Pump, Push Up, Chapstick and it’s kind of cute but Vinny just mimics everything Pauly, the genius, says and does. Ron and Sam have had enough peace and harmony for the day and finally have a talk about their relationship. They’re both mad at each other for sneaking and calling other people. Ron is obsessed with Sam, she’s disgusted by him and Sam takes him back. Everyone is sick of their nonsense and Vinny is the one to stand up to them. He tells them that no one wants to hear this crap and to keep it away from him.

Vinnie: Next time you guys argue, please just put pillows over each other’s faces until the sound stops.

When Vinny leaves, Sam says that she will try to change for the better. Huh? Change what? Don’t get me wrong, she needs to change everything about her existence down to her grating pronunciation of Ron/Rahn,  me /may and love/he doesn’t mean to hurt me, I make him do it. As it pertains to this situation, they both need to change in the following way: never speak to each other again.

Jenni and Ronnie go out for lunch and they’re upset that Jionni is trying to make Snooki into a respectable person. They agree that she shouldn’t have to wear clothing, stop being drunk and sodomizing her boyfriend just to please said boyfriend. That’s what makes her profitable!

Snooki has a talk with Mike about the hook up issue. I’m really over this. I need Jionni to show up so we can see what happens when Snooki’s dirty laundry falls off of Sam’s headboard. Long boring story short, Mike says that regardless of what happened, he will apologize one day. Snooki wants him to admit that he was wrong. Mike apologizes for spiling the beans to Ronnie because he should have told Pauly. In other words, he will not go along with her claim that they did not hook up but he’s sorry that she’s mad. In one of the unaired scenes on MTV.com, Mike actually gives Snooki a blanket that he bought on the street. In other words, he wrestled away a blanket from some homeless Florentine and passed it off as a Linus special.

Next up is church. Haha! Just kidding, they go to the club and it’s packed. Part of the problem with that is there’s less room to put between Sam and Ron. They end up making out on the dance floor between Ronnie’s dancing spasms. Ron is “killing it” on the dance floor because he just can’t stop dancing. Yeah, it’s probably his excitement about being back together with Sam. Or the coke. In fact, Ronnie is dancing so hard that he falls and hurts his knee. That’s not going to stop him though. Ronnie is so amped that he props his broken leg up on a seat and starts pumping the wall like a 2 Live Crew dancer.

Sam: Rahn! You never pop your coochie like that for may. You’re doin’ me dirty Rahn!”

Snooki is getting annoyed because some girl is looking at her like she’s on TV or something. Then Jenni yells at a girl for holding up a milk carton with Jenni’s old nose on it and then a girl spills a drink on Deena’s head  after it starts smoking as she tries to figure out the tip on a 7 lira LIT. Well! There’s nothing angrier than a meatball who gets sauce on it before it’s ready. Deena charges after the girl and Snooki jumps in to help her. Next thing you know, security jumps in and tries to break up the fight. When the mess clears, Snooki appears to have the upper hand but no now Deena does. Actually they both do because they’re fighting each other! And this is why I look forward to Thursdays. At the risk of sounding like a psycho…Deena is kinda hot when she’s angry.

They go home and Snooki decides to call Jionni. Jionni accuses her of being bombed, then he goes crazy asking if she hooked up with someone and asking what she did wrong. Ron is really on a roll with his Frasier Crane routine and he actually gets on the phone to tell Jionni that she loves him and did nothing wrong. He tells Ron to F%$& off and give Nicole the phone. Jionni says that she’s being a bitch to him and rushes her off the phone. All of these girls turn into idiots when they get boyfriends. This is the worst example of everything ever. All relationships have issues but this is ridiculous. Sam has the nerve to say that Jionni is ruining Nicole. Okay genius, and you’re ruining Ronnie’s chances to run for governor of Jersey Shore. You know Ronnie thinks that’s a real thing.

Meanwhile, Ellis shows up at the house after being summoned by Deena at 4AM. Sam says, seriously, that he must really like her since he came over at 4AM. The last guy that came to see me at 4AM wasn’t stopping by to discuss the political ramifications of NATO taking control of Libyan military operations or admire my penchant for pre-war Lionel trains. This is what makes this show so special though. When they are 100% serious and stupid, they are at their funniest. Deena is so excited when Ellis gets there that she throws a vase at him to celebrate. I hear it’s an ancient guido tradition. She gets on the floor to clean it up but fails to make the connetion that broken glass and bare legs are not a good combo. Deena ends up bleeding but the loss of blood and possible cross contamination be damned! Nothing will stop her from smoking and burping with Ellis. She takes Ellis out into that area that looks like the Honeymooners set and probably smells like Ralph Kramden’s polka dot boxers that Alice didn’t wash because he finally popped her one and she was in the hospital for 3 days. While they’re out there, Deena notices that Ellis has what appears to be a hickey. When she mentions it, he says without an ounce of hesitation, “eez like my seester.”  He says he took his sister and she bit him. That sounds wildly inappropriate any way you cut it but who is Deena to judge? She was making out with a trysexual Floridian virgin a couple of episodes ago.

Ellis: Eez not a heekee. Eez how you Americans call a lesion. Eez incurable disease. Eez better for you?
Deena: You’re a good time.

It’s Jenni’s turn to call her boyfriend. How old is Roger? Whenever I call him “boyfriend” I feel awkward because he looks like a divorced father of three. Jenni tells him what’s going on and Roger starts saying that Snooki shouldn’t want to be with Jionni if he’s such a jerk and he shouldn’t be going to visit her. He sounds like a real no nonsense kind of guy. Hate him! Next.

Snooki’s relationship continues to be the topic of conversation the next day among Deena, Jenni, Sammi and Ron. They decide to hold an intervention for her. Snooki is not in the worst relationship here by a long shot. She still has her original nose and lips and she’s not a poster child for domestic violence hotlines like some of her roommates. I think that they all know that Snooki is one of the only things that’s kept them employed and they can’t chance her falling into a relationship coma, quitting alcohol and leaving the show. They all go into Nicole’s room and tell her all of the reasons they do not like Jionni. Jenni’s specific issue is that he told her to not drink or be stupid. Told you! She just wants to make sure they have another season of paychecks. Snooki is in denial about everything. She says that she doesn’t need an intervention as she’s only addicted to his penis and not heroin. Jionni’s penis? Really? She says that he’s a good boyfriend but Jenni says that she’s not going to pretend that everything is cheese and daisies. Now THAT is the funniest thing Jenni’s ever said! She’s funnier when she’s not trying to be. I don’t understand the relationship between cheese and daisies but whatever it is, I need to hear more of it.

Next episode, Deena dances her underwear off just like she did last year when she left her period panties in the bathroom even though she denied it. Also, Snooki and Deena make out and Snooki and Deena get into a car accident. This looks to be a Deena heavy eisode. Or a heavy Deena episode. Anyway you type it, it’s true. So, is Jionni a jerk? I actually understand how annoying it is to be called by a drunk person but he knew this going into this relationship. Do we even care about Sam and Ron? And who is Sam to play interventionist? Am I too hard on Jenni? It’s just distracting to look at her and she’s yet to be interesting this season. And I love your comments. They crack me the heck up but Im scared to respond because I tend to kill threads once I enter the convo. Last thought on Jionni: Why is he trying to change Nicole? Does he see potential in her? Does he see a challenge? Did he really like her but his Italian uncles advised him to “set that broad straight”? Is he just with her to try to get a gig? Spousal support? I need to know!