Here we go with another week in the House of Crap.
“Bird excrement is really good for acne.”
We start off with Vinny and Pauly D taking a mini road trip together to Staten Island to visit Vinny’s family. Pauly D has never been to Staten Island and is surprised to learn that it is an actual island, and not just a clever name for a neighborhood. I guess he’s from Rhode Island, which isn’t an island, right? At the shore house Ronnie is tagging along with the girls to get their nails done. Apparently he figures that becoming Sammi’s puppy is the best way to win back her trust. Of course, he’s right.
And speaking of puppies, Mike wakes up and finds himself alone in the house with the dogs, so he lets them out, feeds them all kinds of crap, like peanut butter, pizza from the garbage, chips and marshmallow fluff. All of this causes the dogs to befoul the house multiple times over. What a prick. This isn’t even kind of funny or amusing – it’s just disgusting and mean-spirited. Mike has completely lost my goodwill.
Vinny and Pauly D arrive at Vinny’s mom’s house, where an army of Vinny’s extended family members are waiting to greet them. Vinny’s uncles give Pauly D crap about his hair and then of course, everyone sits down to eat.
“Don’t pick that up yourself, Pauly. My mom will feed you.”
Except for Vinny’s mom, who is hovering nearby, serving everyone and watching for a chance to jump in and literally spoon feed Vinny. Vinny’s mom is adorable, but all of this coddling has raised her a little Peter Pan. Vinny’s freaking useless. And apparently the guys only stopped off to eat because as soon as dinner is over, they hug everyone goodbye and pack back into the car.
When the girls (including Ronnie) get home from their manicures they realize that the house smells like dog poop – I guess more than usual. Jwoww goes around picking up what she can, but these dogs peed all over various rugs as well. Deena smells one of the dogs and realizes it smells like Mike’s cologne, so Mike must be the one responsible for this mess. When confronted, Mike lies and says he was asleep the whole time. That’s lovely. I am SO over the poop scenes. I really can’t tune in week after week just to stare at poop.
Later the whole gang heads to – where else? – Karma. Don’t you kind of feel like these episodes are interchangeable? Snooki corners some loser who she says looks just like Pauly D. He has the same hairdo, but that’s it. Well, Snooki is delighted to discover that Not-Pauly meets her extremely high standards of reproduction. His last name ends in a vowel. Discerning, this one. And you know that only counts when she feels like it.
Ugh, to the chagrin of the entire planet earth, Ronnie and Sammi are making out.
Beware the herp.
Sammi accuses him of being drunk (so?) and tells him to kiss her when she’s sober (cause that’ll be so different?). Then on the walk home after Snooki falls and scrapes her knee, Ronnie and Sammi embark on one of their notorious “define the relationship” talks. Sammi’s like, “What did I do to you?” Ronnie says she walked out on him. Yeah, after you DESTROYED HER PROPERTY! Is that what Sammi reminds him? No, instead she says, “Why didn’t you come after me?” Um, because he was busy throwing your mattress over the balcony? She has classic battered woman syndrome. How can you feel bad for someone who keeps running back for more? At home Not-Pauly puts a bandaid on Snooki’s knee so she rewards him with a boink. Stellar. At least Sammi has the sense to sleep downstairs without Ronnie.
“What’s taking so long? Let’s get it in!”
Well, hold onto your hats because the huge breaking news of the next day is that Vinny is getting a spray tan. Whoop-de-doo. He’s such a goofball – he poses and flexes while some poor girl sprays him down.
Unveiling the guido beneath.
On the way home from tanning Jwoww sees Roger’s car and honks at him. He doesn’t notice. She pulls up alongside him and looks over, but the windows are tinted nearly black, so no one can see anything. Instead of rolling down a window and waving hello, Roger zig zags through traffic and speeds away from them. The guidos call this “doing the dip.” The guys all say Roger must have a girl in the car with him and Jwoww laughs, but you can tell she’s pissed.
“It’s hilarious when guys try desperately to escape from me!”
Sammi ever-so-helpfully says that what Roger did is totally suspicious. Thank you, Queen of Dysfunction. Jwoww says she has a call to make when they get home so as soon as they pull in the driveway Sammi is all up her butt saying, “Do it now! Don’t wait until he’s in the shower or something!” OMG, Sammi, SHUT UP. You give more advice than Ann Landers yet you can barely clip in your own hair extensions. Deal with your own disaster of a life, would you? Never to fear, however because Jwoww marches right to the phone, calls Roger, gets his voicemail, but tells him she saw him “do the dip,” and that her roommate said he had a girl in the car. So she’s done for now and he can call if he wants to explain himself. Click. Sammi? That is how it’s done. The roommates look on in horror, thinking Jwoww may have gone overboard, but it looks like she doesn’t like having the dip did to her, mkay?
Vinny and Pauly D have grilled some meat for everyone and over dinner various theories are put forth as to why Roger may have done the dip. Suddenly Sammi seems all reasonable, saying she doesn’t think there was a girl in the car, but she can’t understand why Roger was in such a hurry. Suddenly Jwoww remembers that Roger had a barber appointment at 6 or 7, then Ronnie pipes up that he probably didn’t answer the phone because he was getting a haircut. Here is the aha moment.
Vinny goes, “Roger if you don’t call me back you’ll get your ass beat, if you don’t call me back you’ll get your ass beat, if you don’t call me back you’ll get your ass beat!” HA! Remember when Jwoww said that to Angelina?
Later the girls decide to launch a water balloon attack on the guys, then the guys retaliate. The only parts of this worth mentioning are that Deena, while wearing protective plastic, slips and falls on her butt in the kitchen. Also? Vinny doesn’t want to get wet because of his new spray tan.
The battle is interrupted by a call from Roger wanting to know what the hell Jwoww’s message was all about. She’s really embarrassed and tries to explain that her roommates thought they saw a girl in his car and then he sped away so she didn’t know what to think. He asks if she’s trying to start up crap where there is none and she says she’s really sorry.
“We’ll look back at this and laugh, right?”
He tells her to give him some room to breathe and that’s that. Jwoww tells us she’s really developing feelings for “the kid.”
The next day Rammi has yet another “define the relationship” talk and of course Ronnie thinks they should get back together because they love each other so much.
“Are you going to pay for my new glasses? No? Okay let’s get married.”
Sammi really likes the person Ronnie has been this week (it’s nice to have a puppy), but she’s scared to get all into a relationship again. They decide to define it as “working things out.” That’s just GREAT.
Snooki and Jwoww pull Sammi outside and want to know wtf she’s thinking. She’s like, oh he’s changed and I really love him, but I’m still gonna be fun and sleep in your room. Jwoww shares her doubts with us. “Same sh*t, different toilet with Ron and Sam.” Truer words were never spoken. And at least it’s not the clogged toilet, so that’s something.
Today the whole gang is going to Jenkinson’s, or Jenk’s, which is like Seaside Heights #2. A carnival atmosphere boardwalk. The boys go to the batting cages while the girls get their drink on and flirt with the local assortment of gorilla juiceheads. Much to the girls’ dismay, however, the Jenk’s gorillas only look good from afar, but as seen up close are in fact “jacked hideous.” Basically they’re all butterfaces.
Rammi visits the Jenk’s aquarium, where one of the staff brings an ADORABLE penguin out to visit the crowd.
“Who are those orange idiots?”
The crowd must be mostly small children because the lady asks, “boys and girls, what kind of an animal is a penguin?” Rammi put their heads together and come up with their best guess: a mammal. HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Even the preschoolers know that the penguin is a bird.
Back home, Snooki’s cheek has broken out in zits, so Mike yanks out his cosmetics kit and gives her a mask. Somehow Snooki has never had a facial mask before and is mystified by this new experience. Vinny and Pauly D are just amused and give her commands to mime things like pulling a rope, being in a glass box, and jerking them off, hardy har.
Trapped in Snooki’s box. A common condition in Seaside.
Later that night, you guessed it, it’s back to Karma. Mike runs into a friend of his named Arvin, who asks him right away where Sammi is. Ever intrigued, and ever the instigator, Mike wants to know what’s up with Arvin and Sammi. The story is that Sammi has been texting Arvin and told him to meet up with her tonight here at Karma. And Arvin has the tell-tale texts to prove it. AND Sammi has been texting him since the moment she left the house for her break. Mike acts like it’s Christmas morning with this new information he is going to use to be important in the house. My question is: so the f what? Sammi told Ronnie they were through, so can’t she text anyone she wants? To the camera Mike says, “Sammi, I caught you, you sneaky bitch.” Ew he is pathetic and revolting. I’m no fan of Sammi, heaven knows, but this seems like such a non-issue and Mike is just so desperate to have his ugly nose in the middle of something. He grabs Jwoww as a witness and stands there while she goes over all of the texts in Arvin’s phone. Jwoww sees it and they both decide to tell ALL the other roommates immediately.
“So Sammi’s a whore!”
Mike does a dance of glee while each person reacts. Okay, so when Rammi were TOGETHER and Ronnie was shoving his tongue down girls’ throats willy nilly, it was a huge hush-hush secret and no one could tell Sammi because that would be upsetting and violate some sort of code. But when they’re BROKEN UP and Sammi has sent text messages to a guy, THIS is a cause for an international emergency? What an effed up double standard. By every last one of them. Mike is coming out of his skin, he’s so anxious to tell Ronnie about the texts. Snooki volunteers to go talk to Sammi about it. Sammi denies it, which may be dumb of her since the physical evidence is right there. Why doesn’t she just own it and tell everyone to screw themselves? She does, however, admit that Arvin is her friend from home. Okay, then why didn’t she just say as much in the first place? Yes, Arvin’s my friend and I told him to come say hi tonight. Big whoop. She marches up to Arvin and tells him they’re just friends and he’s like, “So?”
“Does that mean we’re not going to bang then?”
And by now Ronnie is all worked up into his usual bout of roid rage and wanting to lock himself in the Karma bathroom. He screams at Sammi that they’re done and that he could have brought home the hottest girl in the club the other night (likely story), but he didn’t because he’s so loyal to Sam. Sammi rejoins the girls and Mike walks up with a huge grin on his face. Sammi yells “Goodbye!” at him and, while still beaming, he shrugs and says, “you got caught.” He is SUCH a dick.
At home, Ronnie face plants onto his bed to pout and Mike defends himself at the top of his lungs to Vinny and Pauly D about how he was just trying to be a good citizen. The guys discuss how they always thought Ronnie was in the wrong, but come to find out Sammi is just as bad. The girls haven’t arrived home yet and the funniest part of the whole episode is that Pauly D LITERALLY pops himself some popcorn and settles in on the couch to watch everything unfold. Vinny joins him in their front row seats and they wait.
“3… 2… 1… popcorn!”
The first showdown is between Sammi and Mike over who is the shadiest and why. Eventually Ronnie jumps in to take Mike’s side and accuse Sammi of being a shady whore. Pretty soon Ronnie is screaming about how he sat home crying while Sammi was texting some other guy and Sammi gets up and goes into the girls’ room. All the roommates reinforce Mike, saying he’s not wrong. Where was this attitude when Ronnie was whoring himself all over Miami? Also, Ron has followed Sammi into the bedroom and cornered her so she has to stand there and listen to all the bad things he wants to say to her. Pauly D vows to kill himself if Rammi gets back together. Sammi’s bawling hysterically and Ronnie won’t let her get past him. It’s bad.
Here we go again.
Next week! Snooki denies Vinny’s drunken advances in an interesting role reversal. Well, “interesting” might be stretching it. Seriously, two more episodes?
Who’s ready to join Pauly D in a suicide pact?
Thanks for reading!