Jersey Shore: Head Games

MTV treated us to two Jersey Shore episodes just a couple of days apart but then they cheated us and showed the same episode on Thursday night. And it’s not the super scary edited version they showed us last week. Instead, we’re treated to the comedy of the year. This episode was better than The Hangover as far as I’m concerned. Let’s do it!! Let’s do it!!!!!!

Last Thursday, we witnessed Sam flip her lid over something dumb. Ron was fed up and tried to avoid her, but at the risk of having Ron not pay attention to her, she snitched on Mike and Ronnie decided to kill him. Ronnie and Mike have had issues since the first season when Ronnie essentially commited a robbery and took Sam for himself. Mike didn’t seem to care that much but Ronnie was pissed when he saw that clip of Mike undermining him, Sam going along with it and kissing him. This tension has been simmering for a long time and Ronnie has been looking for an excuse to hurt Mike. Mike does not want to be hurt so he decided to do the only logical thing. He slams his head into a cement wall.

Ronnie: You’ll have to fight me for this framed doily, Mike.

|Mike: Let’s do it!! Let’s do it!!

Mike: What did I just do?

Mike: Maybe I’ll be invisible behind these pillows.

Everytime I see this clip, I laugh like I saw it for the first time. I know some people were disappointed that we didn’t get to see an epic brawl but this was even better to me. This is legendary. He knocked himself out? You can’t ever live that down! I was actually dreading the fight because if Ronnie had truly put him in the hospital, I would have felt uncomfortable watching him for the remainder of the season or finding this funny. This way is so much more gratifying. While Jenni checks on the injured Mike, Sam does what only an idiot like her would do. She gets in Ronnie’s face, he tells her to leave him alone and she keeps asking what did she do. This girl is unbelievable. She fills the bag of shit, lights it and tosses it onto the porch all by herself. Whatta woman! Mike suddenly bounces back up like a Weeble and starts yelling at Ronnie. This whole thing could’ve been avoided if Mike just continued to lie there like a bloated salmon but his rabies (or scabies) got the best of him and he jumped up slobbering and ready to rumble.

Ronnie: “I’m an angry tiger. Bow to my claws!”
Sam: “Stop-ah! Stop-ah! What did tigers do to you?!”

Jenni: I’m not ducking guys. The doctor added another 800 ccs to my boobs and I’m adjusting porly.”
Mike: It’s okay. I’m practicing for Dancing With the Stars: All Star Edition.

On the bright side, Mike finally got his threesome.

Sam, never one to take a hint or put on a strapless bra, is STILL in Ronnie’s face. Then he pulls out the angry clap. You know the one clap that the dumbest people on every reality show do while talking to drive their points home. Then he pulls out the rarely used angry wave.

I hear he’s making that into a song and dance. Like the Electric Slide for guidos.

Oh yeah, the bra thing. That did NOT escape my radar but it’s Sam, she’s from Jersey. I almost made a comment about it and then I thought “eh, what to do you expect?” Now I know that we expect more from them maybe we can all throw quarters at Sam the next time we see her so she can buy  strapless bra. Yeah I like that plan. Back to the fight, or foreplay as Sam calls it, she refuses to walk away from Ronnie. But then, but then!! He says that he’s been calling girls since he got there. Wow, all Ron had to do was admit that he learned how to use the phone between seasons and she’s gone. Vinny and Pauly, who’ve stayed out of the nonsense, are in the room discussing the fact that neither Mike nor Ronnie really landed any punches. Pauly says that Mike tried to commit suicide because he was sick of dealing with Sam and Ron’s relationship. Oh My Pauly, I think I actually shed a tear from laughing. It’s funny cuz it’s true! I always want to ram at least one of my body parts into a wall by the end of a very special Sam and Ron episode. Of course most weeks I also want to ram all of my body parts into Pauly D. Don’t judge me.

The girls are all shaken up over the fight and Snooki urges Mike to go to the hospital despite their issues. Deena is inconsolable.

“He’s gotta go to the hospital. Mike looks worse than me right now and I look like Peter Weller and Cameron Diaz did sex to each other and shat me out 9 months later on Joe Pesci’s bed.”

Mike goes to the hospital in an ambulance so they can figure out if anything is wrong. JWoww is crying because she doesn’t want him to die which is pretty dramatc but no where near as dramatic as Ronnie and Jenni’s conversation. Ron is still furious and Jenni is trying to figure out what happened. Sam feels that Ronnie should be alone so naturally she goes into his room. This girl needs to be taken out back and put out of her misery. Jenni starts begging her to leave in a manner  not unlike the way one would beg for meth at the rusty door of a shed in Kansas.

“Sam please! Leave us alone. I’ll do anything just leave us alone. Well, anything except move my face cuz this is kind of a done deal.”

Sam finally yells herself into a coma and gets into bed. Ronnie starts to feel bad about what happened to Mike and Ronnie starts crying  over her and her mind games again! There is a serious mental issue here on both parts. Sam has definite self esteem issues and an insatiable need for attention whether negative or positive and Ronnie has abandonment or mommy issues. He also thinks that Sam is intelligent enough to play mind games so he’s worse off than I thought. Being emotional during relationships and after break ups is normal but this is beyond all reason. Thanks to them, no one is getting sleep tonight.

The cast moved their furniture to a New York alley to get some rest.

Ronnie tells Sam that he feels badly about what happened and he tells her to come talk to him when she’s ready. For what?! It’s pretty clear that this needs to end!! Ronnie apologizes, admits to calling a girl and then we go through it all over again. She’s pissed off and walks away but now he’s chasing after her! Ronnie starts packing his stuff because each season at least one person has to go through this routine. His packing is really sad too because it basically consists of him throwing different bottles of pills in his suitcase. I wish I could say I’m making it up but I’m not. Vinny hears the rattling, goes into the room and tries to convince Ronnie not to leave. Ronnie has turned this into Sam playing with his mind for the “last three weeks” when he was actually the one calling another girl. Also, Ronnie? You and Sam have been mind f&%king America for two years now so I don’t feel bad for you and your soon to be deported Xenadrine. Ronnie says that he wants to get away for a few days. Oh Ronnie, do you not realize that you are in Florence? Getting away is not the same as popping over to Belmar instead of Seaside. Going away requires passports, shooting permits and proof of sterilization in these parts. I think the producers slid him a note letting him know that he wasn’t going anywhere because Vinny’s cliche motivational phrases, i.e. Yo bro, we’re in Italy, convinced Ron to stay. Sam waits in her bed for the inevitable post confrontation confrontation.

“I wonder if I can fit more dirty laundry over my bed.”

Ron starts to feel bad about what he did so he puts Mike’s bed back together. Mike gets home from the hospital with a concussion and a neck sprain. He gets into bed and Ron immediately apologizes to him by shaking Mike’s limp, injured body for about 12 minutes whilst Mike cringes in fear. Mike pretends to be asleep like a woman who hopes her husband will just take the hint and roll over. On the brighter side of things, Jenni and Snooki’s boyfriends sent them flowers. Healhy relationships suck, next!

While Mike is at home sleeping, everyone goes out to eat and do laundry. Vinny is relieved that Mike is okay and only received a “blow to the head”. Only in this house is a blow to the head the equivalent of a papercut. Pauly D says that their relationship reminds him of throwing up. I’ll wait while you finish applauding and nodding. When they all go out to eat, they run into Ron who took time away from the house to work out so he can strongarm more doilies. He claims that the relationhip is over becaue Sam said so. In other words, he STILL doesn’t want it to be over. They all start getting on Ron for wanting to be with someone who would start crap just to get his attention. It says a lot about Sam that everyone is still on Ron’s side. Or are they just on his side because they are looking for anyway to drive Ron and Sam apart? Probably a little of both.

At the house, Jionni calls Snooki and we learn how boring Jionni is. She likes to talk about buttholes, DTF and orgasms. Jionni does not. What is he doing with her? Another dysfunctional relationship; she wants to be with a guy who’s name ends in a vowel so bad, that she’ll settle for someone completely different from her. Not only that but Jionni is one of the three guys that she hooked up with last summer who were all related and/or friends. What does he expect besides a piece of her million dollar fortune? Jionni and Roger aren’t idiots. They’re not going to risk their reputations and egos without some kind of potential payoff.

Also at home, Sam passive aggressively puts all of the stuff that Ron gave her on his bed. Sam tries to apologize to Mike but he’s ignoring her. He finally gets up and we are treated to a sad Mike montage reminiscent of those incredibly sad pet adoption commercials. Except I laughed during this one.

Sad Mike cries on couch.

Sad Mike eats really loud chips.

Sad Mike sniffs what one of the twins left behind. 

Maybe I’m a sucker but I felt so bad. And then I laughed really hard. This scene has got to win an Emmy Award! I literally laughed and cried. I actually do believe that Mike would have checked on someone else if it happened to them but he put himself in this position. Plus, his shirt says “Head Rush”. And the music in the background’s lyrics are “I want, what everybody else wants, a cozy place to lay my head.” Oh those editors! They’re never ones to miss an opportunity to literally add insult to injury. When everyone gets home, Jenni remarks that it looks like Mike is doing an insurance claim with his neck brace. Ron, never one to take the higher road, comes home and throws Sam’s returned items into the garbage. Snooki, never one to leave well enough alone, starts loudly asking what he’s doing. Sam, never one to disinfect anything, goes dumpster diving for her precious street purse, dress and earrings that Ron gave her. She tries to engage him in spiteful conversation but he doesn’t give in. Maybe there is hope for us America.

Ron and Mike end up having a conversation about the fight and Mike reveals the real reason he rammed his head into the wall. I assumed his testosterone took over and he went crazy but there was a more sinister meaning behind it: it was a bitch move. Mike was almost in a fight a couple of years ago with a big, muscular dude (read: steroid pumped mongrel) and he rammed his head into a sheetrock wall and broke it. That freaked out the guy so much that they never fought. Mike used the same technique this time but didn’t take into account fine Italian architecture. Mike apologizes, Ronnie “accepts” and the issue is resolved for now.  Again, he forgave Ronnie with no problem but wouldn’t even talk to Sam. The house hates Sam.

That night, the girls hang out seperately from the boys and the girls try to give tips to Sam on how to be a human being. Mike is stuck at home and the rest of the guys go to the club. Pauly starts dancing with a girl when some random dude walks up to him and keeps saying “Che cosa?” All of a sudden, off camera a voice is yelling ”Wassup baby” like a 1994 episode of Martin and then the voice deepend and you realize it’s Pauly D. He gets in the guy’s face and the guy keeps saying to Pauly “You’re in the streets of Florence!” My first reaction was to laugh hysterically at that ‘threat’ but then I remembered there’s no place like Florence.

“I mean no place child!”

Security ends up breaking it up, but the damage is done. I’m naming my daughter CheCosa and no one can stop me! Once the girls are back home, Snooki tells Mike that she was worried about him even though she hates him and Sam is worried about Ron bringing a girl home. It turns out that she has reason to be concerned because Ron almost brings a girl home but at the last minute he changes his mind. Instead, Ron buys Sam roses to show her that she’s an asshole and he’s a good guy. Ehmagawd, so sweet! The guys get home, Sam runs into her room and Ron hands her the roses. She asks if they’re for someone else which is almost a fair question because Ron is known for doing things behind Sam’s back while she’s in the house. Then she asks if he brought home another girl. When I first saw this I thought it was so obnoxious but we musn’t forget that Sam was humiliated in Miami while everyone watched. It wouldn’t be beyond Ronnie to do somthing like that if he got vicious enough. In our defense though, we all know that she should have cut ties to Ron a long time ago once she found out all of that information instead of putting herself in these awkward situations.  Ron gave Sam flowers to expose her shortcomings but he gets mad when she exposes what aren’t so much shortcomings as they are insecurities related to Ron’s bad behavior. Ron questions why he even brought her flowers since she’s accusing him of bringing a girl home. He throws them out and she once again goes into the trash to get them. If everything related to your relationship ends up in the trash…well, yeah.

So what’d you think? I loved the conclusion of the fight; it was hilarious! Is “che cosa” the new smush? And I wish the cast would do what The Real World cast did years ago when they kicked Puck out of the house. If they would band together and refuse to put up with this, we could avoid the Sam and Ron drama. However, without it we would get more scenes of Snooki on the phone with Jionni and JWoww slurring through the episode. I’m torn. See ya next week!