Jersey Shore: Lust and the Jersey Bores

Holy crap, ‘Gasmii, I am so sorry that it has taken so long for this recap to get out! Life at the BintHaus has been a wee bit insane thanks to a nasty cold virus that has taken up residence and claims squatter’s rights every time I try to kick it out. Hopefully the content herein will make your wait somewhat worthwhile.

Common Cold Virus:

Not nearly as cute as a syphilis bacterium.

Previously on Jersey Shore: The Meatballs dipped out of work; Mike’s “main squeeze” is  Paula; Paul Bunyan and JMomm are having relationship issues.

JMomm is on the phone with Paul Bunyan, and he is reaming her about being insecure and untrusting. He wants her to tell him where they stand, but she feels that her apology should be enough to fix things. “I was prepared for a small apology, I love you, mwah, mwah, mwah… and holy shit, am I in the wrong!” she interviews. He tells her that he loves her and wants to be with her, and she finally says that she wants to be with him too. They agree to put this incident behind them and keep moving forward as a couple. I’ve given Paul Bunyan a lot of grief over the past few episodes because I honestly do believe that he is controlling and selfish, but after sarcasatire linked these accounts of JMomm’s relationship history, I am willing to believe that she is a Stage 5 Clinger with a soupçon of psychosis. Put the two of them together, and you have a recipe for disaster.

After getting off the phone, JMomm catches the rest of the girls up on how the conversation went. After they find out that her freak-out the other day was because he was running late and not because he had actually cancelled their date, they laugh at her for over-reacting. “You’re an idiot,” Deena says (which, consider the source.) “Roger’s like sixty-five years old,” Deena interviews, “so he’s not going to be playing all these stupid baby games.” That’s true. Old people like to play Bridge and Scrabble. They also like to eat dinner at 4pm, watch reruns of Lawrence Welk on PBS, and drink Metamucil. Paul Bunyan was probably just feeling extra cranky because his new dentures don’t sit right and the dentist can’t get him in to adjust them for a few days.

The housemates are hanging out in the living room, and Deena says that she is scheduled to work the next morning. Vinny can’t believe that she and Snooki left work and never came back to finish their shift. “We got drunk, that’s why,” Snooki explains. Deena is worried about Danny yelling at her when she gets to work.

Who could yell at this cute little face? (The queue starts behind me.)

Snooki thinks that they should bring him a bagel to show how sorry they are. Bagels are the next big thing in the emotion-expression industry. Poppy Seed for apologies, Cinnamon Raisin for congratulations, Onion for sympathy, and Everything for just because. I guess you’d have to give a gift certificate for “get well soon” because a lot of illnesses aren’t bagel-compatible.

Deena suggests a cake, and pulls Snooki into the kitchen with her so that they can get to baking. “My mission is to like, bake this cake, and him take it as an apology,” Deena interviews. “We’re putting some meatball love into this cake.” I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. After mixing the batter and pouring it into the cake pan, Snooki and Deena go sit down in the living room. Deena asks how long the cake should bake for. “Sixty-five minutes,” Pauly deadpans. Luckily for the Meatballs, JMomm is there to suggest that they look at the instructions, and when they go back into the kitchen, they realize that they never actually put the cake in the oven. Meatball problems.

The cake finishes baking, and looks edible.

As Snooki covers the cake with plastic wrap she says, “We knew it was wrong and we did it anyway like assholes.” I get so confused when she says things that make her sound like she possesses a moral compass and/or the ability to make responsible decisions. Fortunately Deena jumps in with the excuse-making: “We just lost track of time.” Deena continues that after a while she forgot that they were even at work. Probably because they weren’t at work, they were at a bar. I’ll be honest, I’ve taken the occasional long lunch. I’ve called in sick when I wasn’t sick. I once spent an entire day playing Freecell because the system was down, even though there was plenty of non-computer related stuff I could have been doing. But I have never once left the office and subsequently forgot that I was supposed to go back to work, because my jobs were necessary if I wanted to do things like eat, and pay rent, and keep the electricity on. These dingbats get paid for “forgetting” to go back to “work.” And that, my friends, is beyond ludicrous.

Most of the housemates have gone to bed, but Snooki is foraging for a snack in the kitchen when Mike wanders in, wearing his finest striped hoodie.

Unabomber Chic

Snooki shows off the cake and Mike says it’s cute. Cue the Suspenseful Strings of Impending Mayhem.

The next morning, Ronnie wakes Deena up for work and goes down to the kitchen. Someone has taken a piece out of the Apology Cake. “I think there’s a mouse in this house,” he says, and Deena flips out. “Who eats a piece of frickin’ cake when you know it’s an ‘I’m sorry’ cake?!” she interviews. In the kitchen with Ronnie and Sammi, Deena accuses Mike. And then Pauly. And then Ron. In an interview, Deena tells us that she’s decided that Mike was the culprit since he was the last one up the night before. Ronnie thinks it was Pauly, and even pops his head into the Bromance Bedroom to ask Pauly how he liked the cake. Sleepy Pauly says he had nothing to do with it. “It was Mike,” Sammi says as they leave for work. It’s a shame that they don’t have 24 hour video surveillance in every room in that house so that they could find out for sure who the cake thief is. Oh well.

Ronnie, Sammi, and Deena arrive at the Shore Store, and Deena presents the cake to Danny. “Frickin’ Mike ate it,” she explains. She interviews that she was disappointed to give Danny a partially eaten cake. Should’ve gone with bagels, Deena.

Snooki is using the duck phone to schedule a doctor’s appointment for her UTI. Didn’t her dad just take her to the doctor about this? The person on the other end of the line tells her that they accept walk-ins as long as you get there before 4pm. “That was awkward,” Snooki says as she gets off the phone. She collects JMomm and they leave for the doctor’s office. JMomm interviews that Snooki is going to find out what’s wrong with her. That is going to be one long appointment!

At the Store Shore, Danny shoos Ronnie, Sammi, and Deena out for break. Deena decides to get an airbrushed sleeve tattoo. She interviews that the tattoo makes her feel tough.

That facial expression is either “I’m itching for a fight” or “I’m trying to fart.”

Back at work, Danny has distributed slices of cake to the employees. Ronnie tells Deena that it has a weird smell and taste. I’m guessing that’s from the Meatball love. Danny smashes his piece of cake into Deena’s face, and now they’re even. Deena is very good-natured about the whole thing.

At the clinic, Snooki is filling out some paperwork. On the page where she’s asked to describe her symptoms, JMomm points out rectal bleeding, and Snooki’s “No, I don’t have rectal bleeding” seems to be missing a “this time.” Snooki goes back to see the doctor, and tells him that she thinks she has a UTI. “I’ve gotten them before, probably like ten times in the past year.” Wow. Just — Wow. I haven’t had 10 UTIs in my life. The doctor says he’s going to prescribe an antibiotic, and Snooki says, “So, I shouldn’t drink on that, right?” The doctor tells her that she should take it easy on drinking, but one drink here and there won’t hurt her. Wrong answer, Dr. Dude. He obviously has no idea who he’s dealing with. “I’ll just make it a nice, big, strong one,” she says.

Technically, a yard-long margarita is only one drink.

Mike is headed out to work all by himself. Snooki and JMomm were supposed to work with him, but they’re still at the clinic. Danny asks where the girls are, and Mike milks the martyred, responsible adult role for all its worth. “I wasn’t totally running them over with the bus,” Mike interviews. It’s true. He’s not the bus driver, he’s the mysterious man in a trench coat who pushes people off of the curb and then vanishes into the crowd. And just wait, in five minutes he’ll be complaining about how nobody likes him or trusts him.

Danny calls the house to find out where Snooki and JMomm are, and Vinny answers the phone. Vinny explains about the trip to the doctor and that he thought the girls would be back by now. Walk-in appointments take for-freaking-ever. They were lucky to even be seen before sunset. Danny’s annoyed that the girls didn’t call to say they’d be late. Not surprised, just annoyed.

JMomm and Snooki drive back to the house, and as they’re walking to work Snooki says, “Maybe we should have called Danny.” What a completely random, coincidental, and not at all producer-fed thing to say! They meander into the Shore Store and Danny greets them with, “You have some nerve!” The girls both have notes from the doctor, which is a good thing because I’m sure if they didn’t, he would have fired them both on the spot! Instead he “punishes” them by making them move boxes from the sales floor into storage and clean the glass display counter. “This is frickin’ retail abuse!” Snooki interviews. No. Retail abuse is opening the store by yourself when you have bronchitis and a 103˚ fever because your manager was too strung out when you tried to call in sick to come in and cover your shift, hallucinating that your customers are french fries, and finally closing the store to go home because you’ve passed out in the middle of a transaction. What Danny has Snooki and JMomm doing is nothing more than the routine tasks that any regular employee would be expected to do, probably without even being told.

“I’m too pretty for this shit,” says Snooki.

Now that the girls are at work and Mike is no longer the center of attention, he brings the focus back to himself by making a growly-sighing-purring noise. He sounds like my cat when our dog is starting to get a little too frisky. “What’s the matter with you?” JMomm asks. Poor widdle Mikey is tired, and he has a headache. JMomm asks him if he knows what happened to the cake, and he says that it wasn’t him, he doesn’t eat cake. I believe that, actually. Mike may be the King of the Douches, but he is obviously capable of major self-discipline when trying to achieve a specific goal. “Did I eat the cake?” Mike asks in an interview. “Holy shit, did I eat the cake?” Danny advises Mike to just be honest, and Mike insists that he had nothing to do with it, but of course it’s a unanimous decision to blame him. “I’m actually guilty in this house until proven innocent,” Mike tells us. I think it’s time for a little something I like to call:

The End.

JMomm interviews that Mike is always the instigator and always the one doing sneaky shit, so that makes him the number one suspect. That and the fact that he was the only one up after everybody else had gone to bed… well, this is why defense attorneys try so desperately to keep prior bad acts suppressed when a client is on trial.

It’s evening back at the house, and Pauly calls Deena over to sit with him on the sofa. He wraps his arms around her, and we all know that she’s got a thing for him, so he could tell her that he just murdered her entire family and she’d probably be all, “That’s cool.” What he does tell her is that after she went to bed, the cake smelled so good that he couldn’t help himself and he’s the one who stole the piece of cake. She pretends to be mad, but she’s laughing and not trying terribly hard to get out of his embrace. Oh, Deena.

So gleeful.

Deena interviews that she feels kind of bad for blaming Mike all day when it was really Pauly who ate the cake. “The kid really does get blamed for everything,” she laughs. We’ve already established that it’s his own damn fault, so keep laughing, Deena.

Mike gets home from work, and Deena tells him about her assumptions and Pauly’s confession, and Mike is naturally very affronted that anyone could possibly blame him for such a thing when he’s on a diet. He interviews that he’s pissed off and that people only notice him when he’s bad. “I feel like the mean Mike’s about to come out,” he says, “and you’re not going to like him.” I’ll probably like him better than the so-called nice Mike, because at least Mean Mike will be upfront about his malevolence.

Since Mike is feeling butt-hurt, he decides to call a friend. This time it’s someone named Bobby — apparently One Inch is still in Florida. Bobby is going to come out and party with Mike that night, but Mike is bumming that One Inch won’t be back in NJ until the next day. “I guess the master plan was derailed for another night,” Mike interviews. Can he really be so not self-aware that he doesn’t realize that doing stuff like this is exactly why he’s the prime suspect whenever something underhanded and sneaky goes down in the house?

The night club du jour is Karma, and as the roommates get ready, we’re treated to Snooki saying, “I look like a Jersey skank… and I love it!” It is a satisfying feeling when the look you’re going for comes together.

At Karma, Mike finds his friend Bobby and the girls see Paula, who tells them that it’s going to be her birthday in about five minutes. JMomm orders celebratory shots, and Snooki interviews “This is where it starts.”

“My doctor said that I can’t really drink a lot,” she explains, “but I knew it was gonna be so hard not to drink, so you know what, I just gave in and I drank. And I drank. And I drank.”

I don’t need to take no breather, I just want to get more liquor, a little more alchy in my system, so I got to double fist ‘em

“Honestly, I drank so much that my frickin’ UTI was drunk. So I know he’s happy, I’m happy, everybody’s happy.” This is how epidemics are born, folks. If any of the bacteria in her bladder enter the public water supply… well, you remember The Stand? Pretty much that.

Paula finds Mike and asks him, “What’s today?” “Your birthday,” he replies, because that is always the safest answer to give a woman when she asks you that question. (Unless that woman is me, in which case the answer I’m looking for could be “Thursday,” “The 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic,” or “Canadian Thanksgiving.”)

“For her birthday, we’re definitely smashing,” Mike interviews. I shudder involuntarily. Here’s hoping Paula keeps her present wrapped, if you know what I mean.

Two things: My husband assures me that most people don’t have the words “birthday condom” in their search history, and also, the sheer number of pictures of Snooki that come up when you do a Google image search for “birthday condom” is mind-boggling.

The roommates are walking back to the house and Mike has Paula slung over one shoulder. “Tell me if I have cameltoe!” she hollers, and Pauly assures her that on your birthday it is not only acceptable to have cameltoe, but if you do have it, you should rock it with pride. “If it was my birthday, I would have cameltoe too!” Pauly yells. They walk in the house and everybody joins in on the conversation about Paula’s birthday sex. MisterBint points out that they sound like a bunch of ten-year-olds who have heard their older siblings talking about sex but don’t really know anything about it themselves.

Mike takes Pauly up to the Patio O’Doom to look at the waves, because that’s romantic. He interviews that he can’t find anything wrong with Paula and that it all seems too good to be true. He tells Paula that after three years of hooking up, they’ve finally had their first real date. “I don’t know what that says,” Paula replies. “I always pick you over everybody,” he humblebrags. Instead of stomping on his instep, elbowing him in the gut, and then kneeing him in the junk, Paula tells him that she knows he always picks her, and that makes her feel special. Here’s the thing, Paula: I always order #42 (Chicken Noodles) at my local Thai carry-out place, because I know it will be good. Every single time we order Thai food, I spend like 15 minutes looking over the menu, because there are so many things that sound delicious — and then I order #42. Not because I’m not adventurous or willing to take risks, but because I know #42 will live up to my expectations, and I would be really annoyed to go pick dinner up, bring it back home, and then find out that I think Red Curry Rice or whatever is gross. And it doesn’t mean that #42 is the best thing on the menu, or even that it’s the thing that I would enjoy the most were I to finally try all of the entrees. But for me, #42 is a sure thing. You are Mike’s #42.

In the morning, Sammi wakes Snooki up for work and then goes downstairs to chat with Paula. Paula claims to have had a good birthday thus far, proving that her standards are far lower than mine. Paula actually gets to walk out of the house with Mike (and Sammi and Snooki) which is a huge step up from the normal curb-sit of shame.

Pauly and Vinny are out GTL’ing. “We have now completed the trifecta,” Pauly says. “Take me to lunch, bitch!” Vinny interviews, “I’m definitely not breaking up with Pauly. Me and Pauly are in a committed relationship and we are taking this thing to the next level — forever!” Is same sex marriage legal in New Jersey? If not, I guess they can go live with Vinny’s mom in New York for a while. “Vinny’s my dude,” Pauly interviews. “We’re like the Meatballs. Except we’re not meatballs.” Thankfully, no further discussion of balls of any sort ensues.

They go to eat at The Muscle Maker Grill, and Vinny pays for lunch. “It is definitely a date,” Pauly tells us. Vinny tells the cashier that hopefully buying lunch means he gets to get it in later. “You’re gonna smush?” she asks. This show is destroying civilization. They walk out to the parking lot, and Vinny realizes that he has lost his keys. Every relationship has one person who is crap at keeping track of their keys. There’s a reason why I have to put mine on a hook the minute I walk through the door when I get home. “You only have one job, hold on to the keys when you’re driving. He couldn’t even do that,” Pauly faux-bitches in an interview. They find the keys on the floor by the cash register and drive off into the sunset. I sure hope those crazy kids make it.

Vinny + Pauly 4ever!

It’s night, and it looks like the roommates are resting before a demanding night of drinking and dancing. Deena is squawking via duck phone to her friend Joey, who you may remember from an earlier episode. He’s the one who had a twin that Deena made out with once upon a time, and she attempted to seduce him by explaining that she really isn’t crazy. Deena invites Joey to meet them at Jenks later that evening, and he says he’ll be there. Deena interviews that she’s very excited to go to Jenks and see Joey. “To have him come to the house would just be… phenomenal.”

Snooki is snacking in the kitchen and tells Pauly that she’s going to stay home tonight. He ask what she’s going to do. “I’ll just entertain myself,” she says. “Maybe I’ll clean the house… PFFT! That was a joke.” JMomm and Mike are already in bed asleep, so the rest of the housemates go to have fun without them. Snooki is talking to Gionni on the phone, and as Ron walks out the door, he hands her his drink. “Cool! I just got a party drink!” she tells Gionni. Because we all know how much he loves it when she drinks.

Ronnie has had a few drinks and is dancing like a mad fool. “I hear the music, and I just start going. I got Gumby ankles,” he interviews. OMG, a Ronnie interview! It’s been a while since we’ve heard anything from him. Hi, Ronnie! He falls on his ass, and bounces right back up and keeps on dancing. Sammi is loving every minute of it. Drunk dancing Ronnie is way better than yelling and throwing things Ronnie.

‘Member when I used to get all roid-ragey? That was hilarious!

Back at the house, Mike is sitting on the Sofaed Balcony of Solitude, and Snooki comes outside carrying the head from her rabbit costume. “Let’s go to Jimbo’s!” she says. “Where’s your drink?” Mike slurs, as Snooki sets the rabbit head down on a chair and introduces it as Lola. “She’s a prostitute from Vegas and she’ll do anything.” Mike tells Snooki that he has an idea. “Did you ever see Varsity Blues?” he asks. Snooki has, and he wants to re-enact the whipped cream scene.

I almost photoshopped Snooki’s face over Ali Larter’s, but this show already haunts my nightmares.

Snooki stares at him for a moment before yelling, “Mike, I want to go out!” Not, “Mike, you’re disgusting,” not “Mike, I have a boyfriend,” not “Mike, I would never in a million years allow you to touch me in a sexual manner.” Mike would rather just put whipped cream on. He is either very, very drunk or he is on something, because his speech is extremely slow and deliberate, and the man has the single-mindedness of that prehistoric squirrel in the Ice Age movies trying to get that acorn. “I’m flirting with her right now,” Mike interviews. “I’m just going to keep pushing the envelope until she bends. Or until she fucks me, one way or the other.”

“It’s like twelve to ten, we should go somewhere!” Snooki insists. Then she asks, “What’s ‘twelve to ten’ mean?” Mike tells her that he thinks it’s actually ten minutes ‘til twelve. “Oh, so I said it right!” Snooki exclaims. Mike just shakes his head. “I have no idea how to speak clock-language,” Snooki interviews. “So when I say, ‘Hi, what time is it?’ and somebody says ‘It’s a quarter past two,’ just fucking say, ‘It’s two-thirty.” Oh, Snooki. It’s not really that hard.

She really wants to go out, but Mike just wants to get drunk. “And then I can get my furry handcuffs out,” he suggests. Snooki interviews that she doesn’t understand why Mike has to be such a creep. “I’m really horny right now,” Mike tells her. I think we all picked up on that, but thanks for clarifying. Snooki grabs Lola and goes back inside where it’s safe. Well, safer.

“She’s just playing around.“

At Jenks, the cast does shots. Deena interviews that she is really excited to be there. “Joey’s here,” she says, “and I’m like… yum!” She asks Joey, “Did you miss me?” “The whole week I haven’t seen you?” he replies, “Yeah.” Joey tells her that he likes her because she’s high on life, and she tells him the same thing. “Joey definitely seems like he’s into me,” Deena tells us, plus he’s got that personality where he’s a nice guy and a dick at the same time, and she’s into that. Let me guess, he’s a nice guy when you’re in the same place and haven’t had sex yet, but then he’s a dick because he doesn’t call you or make any effort to see you on his own initiative? You’re not into that, Deena, that’s just the only type of guy that you’ve ever had a “relationship” with. You all know what comes next, everybody say it with me: Deena makes me sad.

The cast plus Joey go back to the house. Deena and Joey go out back to smoke, and Pauly decides to sabotage Deena’s smush by putting dirty dishes, small kitchen appliances, and a huge bottle of protein powder on her bed. He then goes to bed. Deena comes inside and tells Joey that she’s going to go change clothes. She stands over her bed for a while getting her new outfit together, and only as she starts to walk away does she realize that her bed is covered with kitchen detritus. She carries the dirty dishes to Pauly’s bed, saying that she knows he did it, but he talks his way out of it. I bet he drove his mom nuts when he was a kid. “I flipped the script on her, and now she’s trying to apologize to me and ask why I’m mad at her,” he interviews. “Deena is super-gullible. And I love it.”

Joey is hanging out in the living room waiting for Deena to come back, and Snooki and JMomm are sitting on the huge red beanbag chair together. “Oh, people to fuck with” is the thought going through JMomm’s mind right now. “Are you gonna do sex?” she asks Joey. “Who? Can I watch?” Snooki asks, before sitting up and registering Joey’s presence in the room.

“Who is this character?”

JMomm tells her that Joey is there with Deena. “Oh,” Snooki says. “The one she likes,” JMomm continues. “OH! You’re here! Wooo!” Snooki says. “I have no idea what I’m talking about,” Snooki interviews. “I’m not thinking, I’m just talking.” Now why can’t Mike have that level of self-awareness? Snooki tells Joey that if he hurts Deena, she and JMomm will kill him, and then asks if he has a condom. Joey answers in the negative. “Pauly!” Snooki and JMomm shout in chorus. “What’s wrong with you?!” Snooki asks, as she stalks off to the Bromance Bedroom to get a condom from Pauly. I am so relieved to know that they are this emphatic about condom use. So, so relieved. Snooki comes back with a condom, and she and JMomm give Joey some crap about the noises Deena makes during sex until Deena comes to collect him.

In Deena’s bed: the night-vision cameras show us Joey, tenderly asking, “Did you hook up with any other guys that I know?” “I don’t do sex with randoms,” Deena replies. It’s like listening to a job interview at an escort agency. Joey’s not a random because Deena really likes him, so that’s why she did sex with him the first time she brought him home. Back in the living room, Snooki wants to go watch. “Give it five minutes, because it just got awkward,” JMomm tells her. Snooki does go upstairs and watches for a second before making a retching noise. Joey looks up, and Snooki chirps, “Just kidding! Love you!” and climbs into her own bed.

It’s morning, and Joey keeps checking his watch while in bed beside a sleeping Deena.

Time drags when you are trapped underneath a hairy, inquisitive, sex octopus.

Deena interviews that she woke up with a great feeling that she hasn’t had in a while. I don’t think it’s going to last, sorry kiddo. She calls a cab for Joey, who honestly looks like he cannot wait to get out of there. Deena, on the other hand, was sad to see him go.  “I actually think Deena loves Joey,” Sammi tells us. “You can fall in love at the Jersey Shore.” I would think that was the sweetest thing ever, if we were still in season one.

Deena’s back is hurting and she doesn’t know if it’s from “giving up [her] golden ticket or Jersey Turnpiking too much.”  Pauly thinks it would be hilarious if Deena threw her back out Jersey Turnpiking. I don’t care how she did it, I think she should give up both activities for a while and see how things go. Vinny offers to help stretch her out, but it’s really just an excuse to make a joke about how her nether regions smell. Go back to Staten Island, Vinny.

One Inch is back in the Garden State, and Mike is using the duck phone to help facilitate the long awaited destruction of Snooki and Gionni’s relationship. Mike’s side of the conversation is very shifty and vague, and he keeps darting his eyes around the room, constantly on the lookout for secret listeners. “I will not be made out to be a liar!” Mike interviews. Honestly, I am just so tired of this whole story line. I’m about ready to track Gionni down and tell him myself, just so that we can all move on with our lives. “In a way, I do feel bad,” Mike tells us. “Every time Gionni’s kissing his girl, he’s kissing my…” gestures downward. I guess that’s one (horrific) way to think about it.

JMomm is getting ready for the evening. Paul Bunyan is going out with them tonight, so JMomm wants to wear an outfit that reminds him that there are two “big reasons” why he is still with her.

I think it’s going to work.

Snooki interviews that JMomm’s outfit “doesn’t show… well, it does show everything, but I feel like it doesn’t cover anything.” I’m pretty sure she’s talking without thinking again, and what she is trying to communicate is that the dress is about as close as one can get to being completely naked in public without actually violating any of the local ordinances regarding public nudity.

Paul Bunyan arrives, and JMomm hurries to be sure that she’s the one who answers the door. “Holy Crap,” he says when he sees her. “I like your outfit, or lack thereof,” he says, with many smoochies. “Is this really you, or the psycho who called me the other day?” is his question as they go to the bedroom. Dude, quit while you’re ahead. JMomm interviews that she knows Paul Bunyan loves her outfit, but that he’s probably also concerned about the attention that she’ll be getting when they go out. JMomm’s kind of hoping that he’ll get in a fight over her. They sit in the living room and bicker for a while, waiting for the taxi van to arrive.

They arrive at Karma, and JMomm has to hold her boobs in place while she climbs out of the van. Pauly interviews that Karma is “crazy, crazy, crazy. It’s insane.” We see several shots of security breaking up fights and throwing people out of the club. The roommates and Paul Bunyan rehash a girl fight that just got broken up, and JMomm wants to go get a shirt so that if she gets into a fight, she won’t be falling out of her dress. With as much silicone as she has in her boobs, I would think that they would be more of an asset if they were free in a fight — I’m sure she could use them as a weapon. Paul Bunyan apparently agrees with me, because he shakes his head and says, “Jenni…” Oh, he doesn’t want her to fight at all. JMomm interviews that she’s uncomfortable because Karma is a zoo and she’s worried that her dress is going to snap and her breasts will pop out. Paul Bunyan doesn’t want to dance to Bon Jovi (facist!), and is leading JMomm off the dance floor when a blurry-faced stranger starts getting handsy. Paul Bunyan pushes him out of the way, and the BFS lets a punch fly. Black screen!

Next time: You don’t mess with Roger’s girl; Snooki and Deena encounter a shark; Snooki and Gionni fight, leading to Vinny flirting with Snooki.

And that’s all she wrote until the minicap for the next episode. Again, thanks for your patience in waiting for this recap! And, as always, let the comments fly!

<3, SuburBint