Jersey Shore: Meatball Mashup

Last week, we observed Jionni being a jerk to Snooki, Vinny trying to convince Sam and Ronnie to take a Romeo & Juliet style dirt nap and Mike being miraculously healed by Ronnie Luther King. This week, we pick up at the end of the Snooki-vention that started last week. Ronnie, Jenni and Snooki are finishing up their conversation on the way to work and I notice that this is the third time Snooki has gone to work and none of the other ones have or at least we don’t see it.

Ronnie and Jenni are still talking to Snooki about her relationship with Jionni but she doesn’t want to hear it and wishes they’d leave her alone. The three of them head to work, eat pizza instead of working and then go shopping for a half hour. This ”go to your job and work” theory only works on The Real World kids who unlike these guys, aren’t millionaires. When they get home after work, Nicole says that she’s scared to cal Jionni but does so anyway. Yeah, Jenni and Ronnie are totally wrong about this guy. Also, Deena would make a great nuclear physicist.

When she gets on the phone with him, Jionni denies saying F*** you to Ron and claims that Ronnie was talking crap. He says that he’s not going to visit her and hangs up on her. Snooki immediately runs and tells the girls what he said although she repeatedly claims that she wants them to mind their own business.

“The first rule of Snooki and Jionni’s Fight Club is you don’t talk about Snooki and Jionni’s Fight Club.”

The next day, everyone packs to go to Riccione beach. Of course they all pack like they are going to Alaska for 6 weeks. All except for Ronnie.

“Look! All of my pills fit into one bag.”

Pauly D: That takes care of the gel and bronzer; let’s start packing our clothes.

They drive to Riccione in Fiats that have seventeen stories of luggage piled on top of them. Once they get to the hotel, the guys start exploring the area. The girls get oiled up and Snooki one again complains about her boobs being lopsided. She brought this up a few times. I think this is what the Italians call foreshadowing because I’m sure that will figure into a plot in the next season or two. I would have been prepared for this season had I listened when Jenni complained about her eyes, cheeks, lips, boobs and body last year. She actually is looking better this episode so I think she had probably reupped on botox right before she left and that’s why she looked so crazy to me the first few episodes. I still don’t get why these young women freeze their faces and end up looking 2 years older. The girls end up getting drunk at a bar, Deena seriously thinks that she is on a Caribbean island in Italy and they offend everyone within a 5 mile radius. They’re speaking loudly about vaginas and eventually a Russian spy comes over to give them the business.

“All of this vagina talk is making my sideburns curl.”

The girls end up doing some drunk shopping. Deena and Snooki are being obnoxious and the other two get annoyed and start to put distance between the groups.

“I’ve never seen two people be so annoying, loud and obnoxious in froont of others with no respect for their space and personal possessions. By the way, these are the glasses Rahn bought me after he demolished our house in Jersey last summer during an otherwise peaceful night at home.”

Jenni and Sam walk ahead of Deena and Snooki and ignore them. To be fair, the meatball midgets are being really rude. They are walking down the street and literally yelling out anything that comes to mind such as the debt crisis, climate change and how to get avoid coochie sweat  when you forget to put on “underwears”. Jenni is standing on the corner like her pimp punched her in the stomach and threatened to take away her supply and whines that she wants to go home. Sam says that she “actually wanted to have fun in Riccione.” Okay, so when princess Sammi says she wants to have fun that’s when it begins. When the whole house was subjected to the consequences of her shit stirring and insecurities that was fine but NOW she wants to have fun?

Sam and Jenni’s idea of fun.

FUN.

I’m not really clear on why the girls have to drink so early in the day though. They’re in Italy; it’s not like they’re in some boring  place with doing to do or see but maybe I would’ve done the same a few years ago.

Actually, I wouldn’t.

I like to get silly but dancing out of my bikini bottom, not underwear as the boys misidentified it, would never happen. That’s mostly because I’d rather be Deena’s mustache than wear a bikini in public but you get what I’m saying. These girls are naked wasted! Okay, my boobs did pop out at my aunts 50th birthday party and I flashed a kid in 7th grade computer class but that’s still better than losing bottoms. Snooki and Deena are dancing at some outdoor cafe/club and Snooki starts doing these crouching tiger, hidden dragon moves. First she’s a lioness and then she gets on the floor and claws at the air like a cat. Is it wrong that I thought this was cute? Assuming that they were allowed to drink there, I prefer silly drunkeness to the violent kind. At some point she propels herself towards Deena and for reasons unbeknownst to man, she doesn’t stop and instead hurtles herself into the bushes.

Based on the previews, this won’t be Snooki’s only foray into the bush tonight.

The girls are out of control according to Mike and they all agree that the meatballs will not make it to dinner that night. Back at the hotel, Jenni and Sam congratulate themselves on going back to the hotel like grown ups and taking showers. Yeah, that and keeping your clothes on will get you a first class ticket back home so you two bores can be recast. Interestingly enough, Sam hasn’t been with Ron all day. I almost wonder if the producers have required this separation lest they make a scene in Riccione and get kicked out of the country when Ron flips over a fruit stand.

The group enjoys dinner minus the meatballs but the scene was only like 12 seconds long. It just shows how uninteresting things are without them. Snooki and Deena eventually show up and the entire group has to sit and wait for them to eat dinner which definitely sucks. All is forgiven when they finally get to their natural habitat: the club.

Ronnie: I found Deena’s underwear!

Out of nowhere, some girl starts making out with Mike, Deena flashes her kuka/cuka and Jenni casually observes that she needs a wax. Based on what I know about Deena, I’d always assumed that her crotch looks like she has Gary Coleman in leg lock so it’s not surprising at all. Deena gets annoyed that Jenni is lecturing her and moves away with Snooki to another part of th club. Ok, so I kinda get how Jenni feels. If something happens to the girls i.e. a fight with a guy or girl, she’ll be expected to jump in and have their backs so it’s best to just avoid doing stupid things. On the other hand, people aren’t tuning in to see women sip drinks and hold up the wall. Jenni and Sam are past their expiration dates. Actually, Sam started off spoiled and stink faced so it’s really just Jenni now.

Snooki and Deena go meatballs to the wall and start making out with each other. Everyone is freaking out and Jenni literally says that she is disgusted. Why? I really don’t get it. It’s okay to make out with random guys but not your roommate?  I’m almost surprised at how this group seems so anti-homo. Maybe they’d enjoy it more if the girls involved were hotter but I’m not even sure of that. The guys aren’t turned on by it and the girls are out right nauseated.  The group eventually leaves and Snooki and Deena make out in the cab. Then they go to the hotel and make out some more. Then they get into bed and presumably make out some more before vomiting into each other’s mouths and sealing the deal.

The next morning, Pauly D starts getting annoyed that Ronnie is swacking his style. That’s a combination of the words swagger jacking I think. Ronnie’s waking everyone up, using Pauly’s sayings and just being sad at it. He probably does envy Pauly to an extent and his way of showing it is to imitate him. They say that he’s just trying to find himself and decide to cut him some slack. Plus, Ronnie could do something really terrible like make them ram their head into a wall. They don’t want to cross him.

When Nicole and Deena finally wake up, the house fills them in on everything they did that night. The two of them claim that they have no recollection of what they did but that’s just something drunk people say to justify doing things that they really wanted to do. Jenni shows them what they looked like under the covers and it suggests that they did more than just make out all night. The two of them play dumb and they wonder what Jionni will think of all this. So what does he think about all of this?  When Nicole calls him, she asks Jionni if she is still mad and he says that he wasn’t mad at her. Ummm, whaaaa??? Their last conversation ended with him saying he wouldn’t visit her and hanging up on her. Sociopathic behaviors aside, Jionni is fine with everything that happened. That next morning, Snooki has to work the morning shift which aligns with my observation that we always see when she goes to work but not too much of the others. Mike is back at work with his brand new neck and is helping out a lot which Deena and Snooki appreciate. They use their time wisely by getting into garbage cans and hide.

They won’t be found until someone notices the smell of White Rain Shampoo and Funyuns.

After work, the girls head to the gym and since Snooki drives stick, she’s at the wheel. Apparently, driving in Italy is the worst cuz you gotta like stop and stuff and look out for those people that walk places or whatever. It’s soooo hard. America’s Next Top Prisoner, Snooki, hits a police car wich is scary because other countries take stuff like killing police officers seriously. Deena calls the house and the boys have to rush to take Snooki her license. Oh, and who caught the cameraman in the back of their Fiat? I did! Anyway, the boys are a little too late because Snooki has already been taken into the cop car. The icing on the cake is Nicole yelling out ”I don’t want to get in the back of a police car…ever again!”  That happens to rank number one on the short list of sayings parents do not want to hear ever.

Next week, we find out if Snooki will become the Italian Martha Stewart and we see her annoy Jionni. I had to blow through this one since I’m in Vegas for the weekend. My brother and were born n September 18th but three years aart from each other so it’s a tradition that we spend it together in Vegas where he lives now. My life is so hard. I’m off to suffer at the pool for the next few hours before I have to go to my second party in 24 hours and have more free alcohol literally poured down my throat. And yes, I fist pumped like a true Jerseyan last night whilst rocking my mini poof and a ridiculously short dress. In other words, it was freakin’ awesome. So what’d you think about Snooki and Deena? Sam and Jenni?