Jersey Shore: Mind Your P’s & K’s

Hey, hey, ‘Gasmii! I have to say, I freaking LOVED this episode of Jersey Shore. As Buffy said in the minicap comments, “one scene made all the DTF’s, all the UTI’s, all the releasing of bodily fluids in entirely inappropriate places, all of the unwashed meatballs, and all of the (unspoken)STD’s of this season worthwhile.”

God bless the Meatballs and the 6 1/2 brain cells that they share.

Previously, on Jersey Shore: Mike was horny and tried to “seduce” Snooki; Pauly has a new stalker; JMomm and Paul Bunyan had a falling out and then made up.

We rejoin the cast at Karma, where a blurry-faced drunken stranger is getting a little too up close and personal with JMomm. Paul Bunyan pushes him out of the way, and the guy comes back swinging. Paul Bunyan’s retaliatory punch knocks Mr. Pushy on his ass, and Mr. Pushy gets bounced. Ronnie and Pauly each interview that messing with Paul Bunyan’s girl is a bad idea. “Karma’s a bitch,” Ronnie laughs. The fight having put a damper on their evening out, the roommates pile into a taxi van and go back home.

As Jionni and Snooki walk up the stairs to the front door, Jionni says that he needs to eat something. Snooki tells him that they’re going to bed. “I want to get it in tonight,” Snooki tells the confessional camera. “I’m really excited to touch his wiener and make out with him and get it in.” They bleeped wiener, so that might not have been exactly what she said, but my lip-reading skills are pretty good. Jionni says that he needs to throw up before they go to bed.

Can’t ask for much more than that.

Mike is digging around in the refrigerator for something to eat. He finds carrots, celery, and is hoping that there is some mother fucking mayo. What did mayonnaise ever do to him? Geez.

Snooki and Jionni are going upstairs, and Jionni reiterates that he really needs to throw up. He is in the bathroom puking, and Snooki stands outside the bathroom door. “Jionni, I’m waiting!” she squeaks. “Jionni’s sick, whatever, I feel bad. But I want to fucking get it in with my boyfriend!” she interviews. “Why the fuck are you puking right now? Let’s have sex!” I’m guessing she hasn’t yet arrived at the logical conclusion that if he doesn’t puke now, odds are pretty good that he will puke on her while they’re having sex. Which she might be okay with, but I don’t really want to think about that.

Downstairs, JMomm is collecting blankets to take up to the smush room. Ronnie interviews that every time JMomm brings Paul Bunyan home, she drags him straight up to the smush room and he never gets to hang out with the rest of them. Tonight, however, JMomm is apparently occupied in the bathroom, so Ronnie collects Paul Bunyan to come hang out on the pee-io and have a drink. Paul Bunyan says he has to ask permission or else he won’t get talked to for three days. Ha! He tells JMomm that he’s going to hang out with “Half-Pint” for a bit.

So if Ronnie is Laura, and Paul Bunyan and JMomm are Pa and Ma, does that make Snooki and Deena Mary and Baby Carrie?

Sammi, Deena, Ronnie and Paul Bunyan are hanging out at the picnic table, and Mike sticks his head out to ask if Paul Bunyan wants a chicken salad sandwich. Inside, JMomm walks up the stairs muttering, “You’re fucking kidding me.” She interviews that all she wants to do is spoon Paul Bunyan in the smush room, and he’s hanging out with her roommates. The nerve! The last thing you want is for the guy you’re dating to get along with the people you live with. JMomm’s cool with him hanging out for five minutes or so, but if she doesn’t get some action before she passes out, she is going to be pissed.

Mike brings Paul Bunyan a minuscule sandwich, which he devours in like three bites. Mike offers to make him another one. Meanwhile, JMomm is lying on the naked mattress in the smush room, ineffectually yelling, “Babe!” Why do they never put sheets on that mattress? Don’t they know what’s living in there?

These little guys, for one thing.

JMomm marches out onto the Sofaed Balcony of Solitude to nag Paul Bunyan about coming to bed. He wants her to come down and hang out while he eats. She gives him an annoyed look and stalks back inside. “I’m in deep shit,” Paul Bunyan says. “I need to eat this sandwich and then I need to go.”

Ronnie interviews that JMomm needs to give Paul Bunyan a break. “Viagra takes at least three hours to kick in, so he’s not going to be able to smush as soon as he gets home.” I’m not sure if that was a burn on Paul Bunyan or JMomm. Paul Bunyan is worried that JMomm is going to start throwing stuff off the balcony if he doesn’t hurry up. “I’m actually in love,” he says. “With your sandwich,” Ronnie ripostes. Paul Bunyan says it’s been a rough three days, and Ronnie laughs that if his girlfriend complained as much as JMomm does, he’d probably “lose” his phone too.

Sammi is not amused.

While Ronnie is still laughing, JMomm reappears and drops some resistance bands over the balcony — the metal kind that can actually hurt somebody, not the giant rubber band kind. Paul Bunyan’s parting words to Ronnie are “She thought I was going to call and kiss her ass, that ain’t gonna happen.” So glad he cleared that little issue up, he’s only mentioned it twenty times in the past three episodes, and I really wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

Jionni seems to be done vomiting, and Snooki drags him into the bedroom. “Jionni’s wasted right now,” Snooki tells us, “but I feel like, ‘I never see you, let’s just bang it out.’” Jionni, on the other hand, is nearly comatose, curled up with a stuffed animal and his back towards Snooki. “Turn around,” she says. “What are you going to do? Fucking stay here and snore in my ear all night?” She gives him a hard time about throwing up instead of kissing her, and they haven’t seen each other in so long, and he’s not doing anything to her. “A boyfriend’s job is to come over, have sex, and make your girlfriend feel good,” she interviews. He can throw up and pass out at his own house. “You’re a sucky boyfriend,” she pouts as she finally lies down beside him, resigned to a smushless night.

It’s morning, and JMomm and Snooki see their boyfriends out the front door. Sammi tells Deena that they should do something different today, and I am so excited because I know what happens next! “We could go to a dock and fish,” Deena says. Sammi isn’t sure she heard correctly. “We can go to a dock, and, like, crab,” Deena says. Sammi remains slightly incredulous. “Can you imagine if we caught a fish, or went crabbing. We could cook the crab later.” Well, the boys could, I have yet to see the girls on this show make anything more complicated than cake from a mix. “Do you really need talent to fish?” Deena asks. I’ve watched this episode three times now, and every time I hear her say that it hurts my heart.

Deena and Sammi agree that eight Guidos trying to catch fish would definitely be a memorable experience, so they have to talk everybody into going down to the dock. They seem to be able to get the rest of the house on board with the idea very easily, and after packing some adult beverages, the gang is ready to go.

“I never thought I’d be excited about catching crabs,” Mike interviews. You’ll notice that he didn’t say that he’s never caught crabs before, just that he’s never been excited about it before.

I’m pretty sure that this South Park episode spoke to him on a very personal level.

They walk into the boat/equipment rental shop on the dock, and receive a quick tutorial in baiting and setting crab traps. While the guys inquire about actual fishing equipment, JMomm is hoping to get a cappuccino or espresso. Even Deena realizes that this is an unrealistic expectation, but I think JMomm has found a niche market that Starbucks has not yet exploited.

The roommates drop their traps and cast their lines, and Vinny interviews that they’re hoping to catch tonight’s dinner with their bare hands. Snooki tells everyone that there is a fish called the Snook.

Someone snags the back of Ronnie’s shirt with their fishing hook, narrowly missing his kidney. “This is insane,” JMomm chuckles. Vinny catches a tiny little fish, which falls off his hook and flops around on the dock. JMomm pulls up her crab trap, and there are three crabs in it. “Crabs are heah!” Pauly announces. The problem is, everyone is too afraid of the pincers to pick the crabs up, so they end up walking off the dock and back into the ocean. “I don’t even want to say it,” JMomm tells Snooki. “I caught crabs.” I’m sure each of them made that joke at least once while at the dock, but I’m tired of it already.

Mike is having no success with either fishing or crabbing, so he decides to work on his tan. “Mike is spread eagle in one of his feminine poses, and he’s just asking for some trouble right now,” Vinny tells us, and we see him pick up a tiny crab and drop it on Mike’s bare chest. Mike screams like a little girl. “Not cool, bro,” he scolds. “Not cool.”

Deena and Snooki are sitting together fishing, and Deena complains about not catching anything. “I feel like this is like my relationships,” she says, “not one person wants to grab my bait.” Since fishing isn’t working out, they decide to take the inflatable boat that they rented out on the water.

Quick time out: I know that some of you only read the recaps and don’t watch the episodes. Please, please do yourself a favor and find the scene that is about to follow online, because it is so very much worth watching. It starts at about 11 minutes, 30 seconds into the episode. I promise, you will not be sorry. Back to the recap!

Deena goes to collect the boat, which is one of those two-person inflatable raft types. It is very windy at the dock, and instead of turning the boat sideways in order to reduce surface area, she tries carrying it behind her, creating a Deena kite. A particularly strong gust of wind wrenches the boat from her grasp and in trying to catch it she almost falls off of the dock.

She’ll fly away, oh glory, she’ll fly away. On the dock, hallelujah it will rock! She’ll fly away.

Mike and Ronnie come to the rescue, and push the Meatballs away from shore. Sammi interviews that it is so windy out, she’s not sure they’ll be able to make it through the waves. Neither Snooki nor Deena have any idea how to row, and their uncoordinated efforts result in the boat going in circles. Deena interviews that the wind is so strong that she’s concerned about the current carrying them away. They decide to row to the dock for safety’s sake, and actually manage not only to make it to the dock, but to get underneath the dock.

If this were a scripted show, this is when they would find a body.

“The Meatballs have no idea what they’re doing right now,” Mike tells us. “Me and Ron, we gotta be the responsible ones and pull the plug on this.” He means that literally, as the girls emerge from the other side of the dock and Mike and Ronnie grab hold of the boat in order to release the valve that lets the air out. Snooki takes it into her head that they boys are trying to flip them, and the girls try to fend them off. “We’re trying to have a good time here!” Deena yells.

Ronnie does manage to allow the air to start escaping from the boat, and Snooki, who has seen Titanic, knows that this is not going to end well.

But we know that our hearts will go on.

The Meatballs paddle their way over to a row boat that is docked nearby, and one of the boys tells them to be careful, because the edge of the boat is sharp. “Sharks?!” Deena screams. “Sharp! Sharp!” the guys keep yelling, but Deena keeps hearing “Shark! Shark!” and becomes determined to pull herself out of the slowly deflating raft into the row boat. Mike is yelling for Deena to stop what she’s doing because the row boat is sharp. “Shar-PUH” Sammi enunciates, but Deena still doesn’t get it. Finally becoming convinced that her own boat is the safest place to be, Deena stops trying to climb out, and almost immediately capsizes the rapidly sinking raft.

Meatballs overboard!

Snooki stands up in water that comes up maybe to her waist, but Deena scrambles back into the boat. Snooki fishes her “water” bottle out of the drink and wades to shore, but they have to send someone in to rescue Deena from the 2 1/2 feet of imaginary-shark infested water. “Deena’s literally trying to get out of three feet of water because there’s sharks in it, and Nicole is just worried about her alcoholic beverage floating away,” Sammi summarizes. I can’t think of a situation that could more perfectly encapsulate their two personalities.

Deena is flailing incompetently and Snooki only cares about having a drink in hand. That’s our girls!

After the two soggy Meatballs are safe on dry land, Deena notices that one of her eyelashes fell off. “Your eyelash is floating in the Pacific as we speak,” Snooki tells her. I don’t… I mean… is she serious? This is one of those times where I have to believe that she is playing dumb for the cameras because the alternative is too depressing to think about.

“Luckily, sharks seem to not like meatballs,” Deena interviews, “but unfortunately none of us were really capable of catching fish or crabs. So we’re getting Chinese food.” The roommates pile into the car and JMomm complains that the car smells like the smush room. Honestly, they are going to have to burn that house down and salt the earth after they clear the ashes.

We are now treated to a scene involving Ronnie, a toilet, Axe body spray, and the need for a plunger.

Deena, Pauly, and Vinny are working at the Shore Store. Danny tells Pauly, “Oh, your stalker came in yesterday!” “What did she say?” Pauly asks. Danny says that he was too scared to talk to her, cos that girl is creepy. Pauly and a memory montage catch us back up on Stalkerella, and her habit of mysteriously appearing wherever Pauly happens to be, wearing a “Pauly D” trucker hat and “Cabs are Here!” T-shirt. Pauly interviews that she’ll sit outside the Shore Store for his entire shift, just giving him a “death stare,” and it’s beginning to burn a hole in his blowout.

This shit is getting really serious, really fast.

Back at the store, Danny wonders what Stalkerella carries in the enormous tote bag that she always has with her. Deena hypothesizes that one day Pauly will end up in the bag. Vinny, meanwhile is trying to sell some shirts. “Who wants a ‘DTF’? ‘MVP?’” he hollers like a carnival barker. A female customer asks what “DTF” stands for, and he says, “Oh, er, um, ‘Down To Fish.’” Laughter erupts around the customer, who looks bewildered and doesn’t understand what the joke is.

At the house, Mike and Snooki are smoking on the Pee-io, talking about their plans for the evening. The roommates are going to Karma, but when Mike asks if Jionni will be there (hoping to finally implement Operation Ruin Snooki’s Relationship,) Snooki says that Jionni won’t be able to go out with them until Saturday. Since ORSR is going to have to wait a while longer, Mike reverts into concerned friend mode, asking how things are going with Jionni. “Are they good, is everything cool?” he asks, and Snooki plays with her extensions and nods her head like the world’s sluttiest bobble-head doll.

Speaking of….

“He’s not treating you like shit anymore?” Mike continues, and Snooki shakes her head “no.” “He’s perfect,” she tells Mike. “I want to marry that kid.” Mike tells her that saying she wants to marry Jionni is a big statement, and asks what she’ll do if, during the wedding when the officiant asks if there are any objections, he runs in and says something. “I’ll shoot you with a pistol in the fucking eyeball,” Snooki threatens. But she doesn’t think Mike would really do that. “Maybe, if I thought he wasn’t right for you,” Mike says. Snooki asks why he would think that. Snooki, there are single-celled life forms at the bottom of the Ganges river who know how dysfunctional your relationship with Jionni is. Your roommates have even more grounds to worry about it, even if some of them are meddlesome jerkwads who have nothing better to do than interfere and play mind games. (*cough*Mike*cough*)

“I think he’s a nice kid, I just don’t think he’s established enough as a man yet, you know what I mean? To take care of you, that’s all.” Mike says.

Translation: You’re clearly the only one of us who is going to be able to transition this whole Jersey Shore gig into a money-making enterprise for the next several years, since all you have to do is show up places, get drunk, and get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars. So I would like to hitch my wagon to your star, because God knows I’ve outlived my entertainment potential. And also I love your money you.

In an interview, Snooki tells us, “Me and Jionni’s relationship is definitely not healthy. Me and Jionni do fucked up shit. But, you know, I don’t like questioning our relationship.” You know what is the best way to handle problems in a relationship? Pretend they don’t exist and never, ever talk about them until they magically disappear. If that doesn’t work, having a baby always fixes things. (Also, how messed up is it that Snooki is actually pregnant? I have an awesome friend who has been trying for over two years, with absolutely no success. Talk about life being unfair!)

Mike tells Snooki that he is definitely over-protective of her. “Why?” she asks, and he tells her that it is because they’re friends and he cares about her and doesn’t want to see anyone taking advantage of her. He wants to do all of the taking advantage his own self. Snooki assures him that Jionni is not taking advantage, and Mike does that loose-armed “I’ma punch a bitch” posturing as he says, “He better not.” Are we sure he’s not bipolar? Actually, he meets a lot of the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. Get help, Mike!

Pauly, Vinny, and Deena leave the Store Shore to go home. At 19 minutes, 29 seconds into the show, we get a beautiful shot of the full moon. and at 19 minutes, 36 seconds, we get a shot of a crescent moon. That’s just laziness.

Meanwhile, Mike and Snooki have move from the Pee-io to the living room, where they have set up a ladder toss game. Mike makes an obligatory “blue balls” joke (because the balls at the end of the strings are blue), and Snooki tells him not to be gross. She then says that she knows how to work her balls after two successful throws. Don’t be gross, Snooki.

Impressed with her tossing prowess (there is no way to say that without sounding dirty; trust me, I’ve tried) Snooki suggests a bet. Mike says that whoever loses the game has to wear the bunny suit somewhere public. “She’s called Lola,” Snooki reminds him. “Lola is the biggest Vegas prostitute,” she tells us, “with fake boobs, fake ass, fake vagina,” (wait, what?) “and she’s my bunny.” Mike clarifies that whoever loses has to wear the bunny suit to Karma that night, and has to keep the suit on for fifteen minutes while at the club. Snooki agrees.

I would never fall asleep if I knew that something like this was in my house.

Once they’ve agreed to the terms of the bet, Snooki’s game is way off. She tries to then sabatoge Mike by waving fabric in front of his ladder, which causes him to miss the first throw, but he does make the second one. Mike starts hopping up and down, doing a gloating winner’s dance. How surprised am I that he’s an ungracious winner? Not surprised at all. Snooki protests that she thought they were doing a whole game, not just one turn, but Mike is too busy gloating and telling Pauly and Vinny about the bet to listen. “Even though I lost the bet and I have to wear Lola to Karma,” Snooki interviews, “It’s not that big a deal cos she’s like my best friend, so I’m kind of like hanging out with my best friend and we’re going to Karma together.” In other words, Snooki has absolutely no problem wearing her “best friend” out in public like Lady Gaga’s meat dress.

It’s like that scene in Silence of the Lambs…

The roommates get ready to go to Karma, and Vinny is thinking that Lola looks pretty hot. “If I wanted to bang bunnies, I’d bang Lola,” he interviews. This whole bunny suit thing has gotten completely out of control, if you ask me. The cast piles into a taxi van and drives to Karma.

They walk in, and Mike shows JMomm his watch so that they can count down the fifteen minutes that Snooki has to stay in the bunny suit. Mike interviews that even though Snooki lost the bet, she is “taking it on the chin,” and I’m not gonna lie, my mind immediately went to other things that have been on Snooki’s chin, and it was not a happy place to be. Snooki interviews that the bunny suit smells like “alcohol, sweat, and shit.” What have they been doing in that thing? “Lola is definitely the most popular girl at Karma tonight,” Deena tells us. “I’m a little jealous. I’m about to bring her home for myself.”

Snooki’s fifteen minutes are up, and the bunny head starts getting passed around. JMomm interviews that it’s a “Lola night at Karma.” I just hope nobody has lice.

And I mean anywhere.

A girl approaches Mike and asks him to show his abs. Then she wants to touch them. Doesn’t she know where those things have been? “I’m a DTF girl,” she tells him.

“I’m down for anything.”

Meanwhile, Vinny senses an imbalance in the Force.

“I’m actually like the hunter and gatherer of the house, when it comes to ladies” Mike interviews, and we see him in a three-way kiss with the DTF girl and some other random chick. “I hunt ‘em, and I gather ‘em, and I hand ‘em out to the boys in the crib.” You know what’s really, really gross about this statement? Everything. Mike introduces some girls to Pauly and Vinny, and tells them who is DTF for sure. “So Mike says here’s this girl, she’s DTF, she’ll even tell you, and here’s both of her friends,” Pauly interviews and we see Mike in a four-way kiss with the DTF girl and two other girls. “I guess you got that out of the way,” Pauly laughs.

JMomm collects Lola’s head and shepherds the roommates into a taxi van, but Snooki and Deena aren’t done having fun. “Let’s go to the beach!” a Lola-headed meatball exclaims, scampering down the street barefoot. Meanwhile, “MVP is in full effect,” Pauly tells us, and we see Mike, Vinny, and Pauly escorting various women down the sidewalk to the house. Why did they have to cast guys with initials that can be turned into something cool? Why not Harold, Issac, and Vinny? Girls would think twice before going home with HIV. At least, I hope they would.

Snooki wants to go play in the ocean, so she and Deena hop the fence to the beach. Actually, Snooki hops the fence, Deena struggles with it for a while before finally making it to the other side. It’s a three-foot high chain link fence.

This is not that complicated.

I would love to watch the Meatballs try to break out of prison.

Snooki interviews that she kinda wants to break a law or two tonight, and she’s accomplished that goal by hopping the fence and playing on the beach after hours. “I feel like a legit criminal, and it’s kind of like… thrilling.” You think that’s fun, cupcake, try knocking over a liquor store. Rush of a lifetime. I’ve, um, heard. From a friend.

Deena interviews that they’re running down the beach, wind blowing their hair, boobs bouncing, and the only difference between them and Baywatch is “the red bathing suits. And David Hasselhoff.”

The girls are cavorting in the surf, when a bald, blurry-faced police officer approaches. I’m married to a bald police officer, but he does not suffer from blurry-face syndrome, for which I am thankful every day. “I do not want to get arrested for this,” Snooki interviews. Entitled much? The sad thing is (spoiler alert) she isn’t going to get arrested. “Nicole!” the police officer shouts, “Your time’s up.” Something is very fishy about this whole situation. My guess is that the cops knew they were jumping the fence, gave them fifteen minutes or whatever to get it out of their systems, and then came to round them up when they didn’t leave when they were supposed to.

After the commercial, we rejoin the Meatballs and the police, who tell the girls that they need to leave the beach or they’ll be arrested. “What did we do?” Deena asks, like she doesn’t know. The police officer tells her that they’re not supposed to be on the beach at 4am. “Will you hold my hand?” she asks him. He declines. “So I think this frickin’ cop’s cute,” Deena interviews, “and I always love a man in uniform.” Because she is Deena, she keeps flirting with the cop. “I bet in real life, you’re a really good time,” she tells him. Honey, this is his real life. Even Snooki has the wherewithal to say, “Deena, shut up.” “I was just trying to bring home a cop,” Deena tell us. She asks him where he’s from, and he stoically replies, “From around here.” On duty police officers are not nearly as susceptible to feminine wiles as scripted TV shows make them out to be. MisterBint won’t even kiss me in public if he’s in his uniform. In fact, one night when MisterBint was on duty, he had to come home and take me to the hospital because I thought I had broken my arm. The entire time we were in the ER, people kept looking at us wondering what I was under arrest for, because MisterBint takes his professional demeanor very seriously.

Another shot of the moon, which is a much fatter crescent than it was in the last crescent moon shot. The editors have just given up, haven’t they?

MVP have finished their random smushing encounters, and Mike coordinates things so that all of the girls get out of the house before the sun rises. “The night ended, and everybody’s happy. The girls are out of the crib, boys get to sleep alone and have a nice sleep.”

I just realized, Fonzie was Italian too,

Deena and Snooki have made it home, presumably without further incident, and crawl into their respective beds. “Holy butt sack, I’m tired,” Snooki says.

Sleeptage. Snooki and Deena are awake, and Snooki asks Deena to go make her an orange juice and vodka. “No, I’m not kidding,” she says. Down in the kitchen, Snooki drinks a red can of soda (I can’t imagine what brand that might be) and belches. She is just gross. “This morning I feel like freaking ass,” Snooki interviews. “I’m still drunk, but it’s the kind of drunk where you want to throw up and you feel disgusting. I’d rather just drink it off.” Ronnie is lying on the love seat in the living room complaining that he’s still drunk. Snooki invites him to go drink more. I have never once tried to stave off a hangover by drinking more, because that seems like a slippery slope. You have to stop drinking eventually, and if it’s not because you died in some ridiculous alcohol fueled accident, the hangover has got to be worse than the one you were going to get anyway. Deena has to go get her nail fixed, and Sammi is working or something, so it’s just Snooki and Ronnie, off to the bars on the boardwalk.

As they’re walking down the boardwalk, Snooki asks a group of kids if they have a lighter. Ronnie points out, “They’re like twelve,” which, A) doesn’t mean they don’t have a lighter, and B) they’re all taller than Snooki, so it was an honest mistake. They go into Jimbo’s Bar and Grill, do a shot, and Snooki tells Ronnie to stay and drink and get un-hungover while she runs a quick errand.

Snooki tells us that Ronnie saw a mini-motorcycle on the boardwalk that he really wanted, and she is going to go buy it for him. That is genuinely sweet. She locates the bike, buys it, and some guys push her back into Jimbo’s astride the bike. Ron interviews, “I look over and see Snooki’s head just floating, and I’m like, ‘What is this girl up to?’” I would like to point out that there is a police officer in the bar, and I’m 98% certain that there was a police officer standing outside the taxi the first time the roommates went out in this episode. Do they have a police escort all the time? I bet the tax payers of New Jersey are thrilled to pieces about that. Anyway, Ronnie was very touched that Snooki bought the mini-bike for him, he didn’t think she was that nice.

Snooki asks Ronnie to push her on it down the boardwalk because, as she tells us, they’ve been drinking and if they actually turn it on, they’ll likely be arrested for DUI.

Actually, in many states this would still be considered a DUI.

They almost run over an elderly gentleman who is wearing nothing but brightly patterned board shorts, and he grumbles about kids these days and something about staying off his lawn. “Sorry, Gramps!” Snooki shouts after him.

“To average people, that’s a mini-bike,” Ronnie interviews. “But to Nicole, that’s like a normal sized motorcycle for her. It’s amazing.” They get to a ramp, and Snooki rolls down it without Ronnie behind her. It’s like watching a kid learn how to ride their bicycle without training wheels for the first time. Except usually the kid learning to ride the bike hasn’t been drinking.

Mike, Pauly, and JMomm are working today. On their way to the Shore Store, they see a girl wearing a “Shore Store Employee” T-shirt, and Mike clarifies that she is, in fact, an employee. Because if there’s one thing that Mike cannot stand, it is a poser. Pauly D interview that since he, Mike, and JMomm are the ones working, he expects to be doing most of the work himself, which appears to be true as he roams the floor yelling, “Who’s next?!” while Mike orders food over the phone.

Suddenly:

“Oh. My. God. She’s so creepy!” JMomm tells Mike. She’s not wrong. “Pauly, your girl is creeping me out right now,” she continues, and Pauly shrugs from the floor, “Me too.”

“This girl is going to kill me!” Pauly interviews. “She is going to kidnap me, lock me in her basement, have me DJ for her, and I’m gonna be M.I.A., you guys are gonna be looking for me.”

JMomm and Danny are discussing the creepiness of Stalkerella and wondering what in the world she has in that giant tote bag. JMomm is so fed up with seeing this girl everywhere, and she is ready to approach her and find out what her deal is. She steps outside the store, and calls Stalkerella over. “We’ve all gotta know: what’s the deal?” JMomm asks, and Stalkerella just stands there smiling. She really is creepy, you guys. And possibly not all there. I’m really hoping that she was hired to stalk Pauly in order to lend some drama to this season, because I don’t want to make fun of her if she has legitimate problems, but DAMN!

“What’s in the bag?” JMomm presses, and Stalkerella says, “Nothing!” Then she opens the bag slightly and says, “Blanket!” JMomm is suspicious because Stalkerella wouldn’t take the blanket out of the bag, and she think that the blanket is wrapped around something heavy. Like a chainsaw. Or Pauly’s hair clippings. Pauly thinks that the blanket is what she’s going to wrap him in after she kills him. “It’s not going to be DJ Pauly D anymore,” he tells us, “It’s going to be DJ Pauly Dead.” If only you had a constant police presence there to ensure your safety and well-being!

JMomm asks Stalkerella, “Am I making you awkward right now? Little bit, huh.” “Have I been making it awkward?” Stalkerella replies. JMomm laughs and then does a Stalkerella impression.

“Honestly, you’ll be like this.”

Stalkerella doesn’t really register any sort of emotion at this impression, other than her constant vacant smile, so JMomm tries another approach. “You have a boyfriend?” she asks. Yes, Stalkerella nods. “Who? Pauly?” Stalkerella laughs, but she doesn’t say no. “All right, you enjoy your day. Go back to… watching,” JMomm says, and Stalkerella vanishes back into the crowd.

Back at the house, Snooki is calling Jionni on the phone. He answers and she squeals with delight, then hollers “Miss you!” and makes fart noises with her mouth. “Are you bombed right now?” he asks. “I’m drunky pants!” she giggles. “Oh boy,” sighs Jionni.

“I’m so horny right now,” Snooki interviews. “Like, I just need to talk to Jionni and just let him know, like, ‘Listen, I really want to suck your dick right now, and I wanna like, touch your butt.’” She’s such a romantic at heart! “I’m fricking horny,” she says to Jionni, “and that’s all I’m going to say.” Except for, “Lola wants to bang you.” Vinny is listening to this conversation from the living room. “If Nicole is breathing, and Nicole is conscious, she’s probably talking about sex,” Vinny tells us. Unless she’s talking about getting drunk.

“I can’t wait to see you and (bleep) your (bleeping) (bleep)!” she hollers into the phone. “You are disgusting,” Jionni says. “What is wrong with you?” Snooki tells him not to worry, nobody’s there listening to her act like a fool, and at that exact moment, Vinny dangles the balls from the ladder toss game over Snooki’s face and rests them on her forehead. She screams and tries to explain to Jionni what happened, but her explanation makes no sense, and he finally tells her that he’s done talking to her. “Hang up on me because I tell you that I want you, all right,” she snits. I think it’s more because you’re a rambling drunken idiot at the moment. Jionni points out that he is trying to have an actual conversation, which she is seemingly incapable of right now, and she gets annoyed, and they both say goodbye and hang up.

Vinny interviews that he cares about Snooki and wants to see her end up with a good guy. “Any guy who fights with Nicole, tries to change Nicole every day, isn’t the right guy for her. I’m just saying.” He and Snooki decide to go hang out on the boardwalk for a while. And… cop sighting #4! This would make a good drinking game, except then I would never get my recaps finished.

“Me and Vinny have a special, different relationship from anybody in the house,” Snooki tells us, “because of hooking up. So, you know, me and Vinny will always have, like, that special bond.” They go to EJ’s (the FUN bar), and Vinny asks Snooki to dance. “This is kinda questionable, what I’m doing,” he tells us. Snooki wants to pretend that they’re ninety, and they dance in a shuffly, hunched over way. “I remember you on Jersey Shore,” Snooki says in an old-lady voice. “Oh, oh, my hip! My hip!” It is actually quite funny, and makes me wonder what Snooki would have been like if she hadn’t turned into SNOOKI. I think she might be smart and funny and worth knowing, except she has basically created a brand for herself as a drunk party girl, and why ruin a “good” thing?

What might have been.

After dancing and playing some pool, Vinny asks Snooki if she wants to go get some ice cream. “Ice cream?” she asks. “What are we, four?” Omg, Nicole, if a boy wants to buy you ice cream, you always say yes to that! MisterBint’s willingness to buy me ice cream is one of the reasons I married him. Also, cop sighting #5!

Snooki interviews that she feels like a “party ball” right now and wants to get her drink on. She drags Vinny into Aztec and orders them shots. Vinny doesn’t want to drink his, and doesn’t think that she should drink hers either. Snooki interviews that if Jionni wasn’t in the equation, she would obviously hook up with Vinny, and I think Vinny knows that all it would take is a little more bad decision juice for that to happen regardless of Jionni. “Chill, take a sec,” Vinny tells her, and they get into a “No I’m not/Yes you are” argument about drinking the shots. He finally succeeds in getting her to leave without taking the shots, even though she says you never leave a shot behind.

“Me and Snooki are kind of like the Ross and Rachel of the house.” Seriously? A Friends reference?! What is this, 2002? I can’t imagine that half of the people who watch Jersey Shore are even old enough to remember Friends in its heyday. “I’m not gonna lie, I’ve got my finger on the trigger, who knows what’s going to happen when we get home?” he continues. Well, you will say her name in your wedding vows to someone else, and then she’ll accidentally get pregnant, and we will all throw things at our televisions and cuss you up one side and down the other for being so freaking annoying and ridiculous, and then you’ll finally end up together, but by that point we won’t even care any more, we’re only still watching because we enjoy the occasional moments with Phoebe, who is basically us only a little bit ditzier. Except this show doesn’t have a Phoebe, the closest thing to her is Paula, and Paula has waaaay too much knowledge of the H.M.S. Schitzuation for us to even begin to relate to her, and I’m going to stop rambling now. But, Vinny, Friends references are verboten. Don’t do it again.

Cop Sighting #6. How did I never notice this before?

“Can we snuggle tonight?” Snooki asks, and Vinny says yes. “Promise?” she asks, and again he answers in the affirmative. “I’m guessing you want to shower?” he asks her (cop sighting #7, btw), and tells her that he needs to shower. “Should we go together?” Snooki asks, always willing to take that extra step for the environment.

In the three (THREE!!!) remaining episodes of Jersey Shore: The roommates go camping; Deena misuses the word “hermaphrodite”; Vinny keeps trying to “convert” lesbians; Mike supposedly finally puts ORSR into action; Snooki flips out, throws furniture, and tries to saturate Mike with lighter fluid from the barbecue.

Still one more Jersey Shore recap to catch up on since the servers were down. I’ll try to have it up before the next ep airs. Thanks to everyone who has stuck with us through these technical difficulties. You all are awesome, and make the ‘Gasm what it is.

<3, SuburBint